Boiling right now...

lisaandbrandonKS

OK. So apologies in advance, this post is mostly to VENT! I am a second-time bride, own my own business, PhD, grown children, my fiance & I are most definitely hosting our own (out of town) wedding at a venue with limited guests numbers available, and it is a cocktail party/"wedding weekend for adults" receptions. We VERY carefully delineated the guest list thinking about this criteria and being fair/equal with both sides of our families.The decision on "kids" we came up with was inviting only our "nieces and nephews of legal drinking age given the celebration format etc.". We were thankfu to come up with this rule as it then allowed us to invite both first cousins AND our collegues (who we are close to) but wouldn't randomly offend/exclude cousin's children and such.

Tonight, at a family reunion, my cousin remarks that her, her mom, and her 18 yr old daugthter will be coming, instead of her & her husband. Her mom (my mom's sister) was of course already on the guest list, but her daughter was NOT. I LOVE this girl, she is delightful! BUT...we simply can't afford  -- space or costs or feelings --  to include her. If we did, then her older brother & his wife, our other cousins' (numerous) great older kids (including this cousin's own brother's family!), and my siblings younger kids, etc. will be very saliently excluded.

I had already discussed our rubric with my parents months ago, who readily agreed to help "spread thw word".  Tonight, when I mentioned to my mom that I would need help explaining/clarifying, she said she "couldn't get involved" and that I would just have to handle with my cousin directly.  I was SO hurt and livid by her response. When I privately said something to my dad, he was very surprised and knew nothing about it -saying he "thought that issue was clea & settled months ago." He & my fiance encouraged me to "sleep on how to handle it" tonight, and we would reconvene at the family picnic portion of the reunion weekend tomorrow to see how we wanted to handle it.

ANY suggestions out there? I don't want to seem ungenerous, but I can't *fit*, nor afford, the 20 extra people that -- if we were to be fair-- we would need to encompass if I let my cousin's teenage daughter slip through,

Thanks for listening. I hope I don't sound like a huge bitch!!!

Lisa

lisaandbrandonKS

Oops. I am terribly embarrased by my lack of proof-reading in original post. My sincere apologies. I blame it on the 12 hour work day and then several glasses of wine I indulged in at the gathering in order to keep me from yelling at my mother

katiewhompus

Money/space wise...if you were already planning on inviting the mom and husband, then having the 18 year old instead of the husband will not cost you more. You don't have to invite everyone because someone writes an add in and it would cause family drama if you spoke with her about it.
Just tell her that you are sorry for any misunderstanding, but in the name of fairness you and your fi had agreed to not have any guests under the age of 21 at the venue. You could even site venue rules if you needed to, unless she is the type of person to call the venue to check.
I doubt she did this just to piss you off or make you invite 20 more people, so just have an adult conversation with her and go from there.

tidetravel

Do you call mommy to solve all of your problems?

Your mom's right.  She doesn't have to get involved.  You and your FI decided on the no kids rule.  It's your responsibility to call and let cousin know that you cannot accomodate extra guests, not your mother's.

Put on your big girl panties and pick up the phone.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_boiling-right-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:e9cc4bf4-50d2-4f67-a415-292d4d3a2b23Post:6ac4e778-6f62-4312-bcd9-a52daf6e8b16">Boiling right now...</a>:
[QUOTE]OK. So apologies in advance, this post is mostly to VENT! I am a second-time bride, own my own business, PhD, grown children, my fiance & I are most definitely hosting our own (out of town) wedding at a venue with limited guests numbers available, and it is a cocktail party/"wedding weekend for adults" receptions. We VERY carefully delineated the guest list thinking about this criteria and being fair/equal with both sides of our families.The decision on "kids" we came up with was inviting only our "nieces and nephews of legal drinking age given the celebration format etc.". We were thankfu to come up with this rule as it then allowed us to invite both first cousins AND our collegues (who we are close to) but wouldn't randomly offend/exclude cousin's children and such. Tonight, at a family reunion, my cousin remarks that her, her mom, and her 18 yr old daugthter will be coming, instead of her & her husband. Her mom (my mom's sister) was of course already on the guest list, but her daughter was NOT. I LOVE this girl, she is delightful! BUT...we simply can't afford  -- space or costs or feelings --  to include her. If we did, then her older brother & his wife, our other cousins' (numerous) great older kids (including this cousin's own brother's family!), and my siblings younger kids, etc. will be very saliently excluded. I had already discussed our rubric with my parents months ago, who readily agreed to help "spread thw word".  Tonight, when I mentioned to my mom that I would need help explaining/clarifying, she said she "couldn't get involved" and that I would just have to handle with my cousin directly.  I was SO hurt and livid by her response. When I privately said something to my dad, he was very surprised and knew nothing about it -saying he "thought that issue was clea & settled months ago." He & my fiance encouraged me to "sleep on how to handle it" tonight, and we would reconvene at the family picnic portion of the reunion weekend tomorrow to see how we wanted to handle it. ANY suggestions out there? I don't want to seem ungenerous, but I can't *fit*, nor afford, the 20 extra people that -- if we were to be fair-- we would need to encompass if I let my cousin's teenage daughter slip through, Thanks for listening. I hope I don't sound like a huge bitch!!! Lisa
Posted by lisaandbrandonKS[/QUOTE]

lisaandbrandonKS

Thanks. And, no, of course I am under no impression my cousin did anything wrong at all, tried to piss me off etc. Not the point...I am angry with my *mother* who agreed to help spread the word on the plan, etc., then bails and leaves us in an extremely  ackward position with extended family. My father agreed that a conversation with my aunt would have precluded all this in the first place (which my mother claims to have done, but we are all now sketpical about from her wimpy response. Not the first time, unfortunately). Just not cool and a time I could have used parental support. It is the ONLY help we asked, and my fiance's family has handled it gracefully and properly. We are hosting a large (everyone is welcome!) family picnic next summer to include children,  

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_boiling-right-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:e9cc4bf4-50d2-4f67-a415-292d4d3a2b23Post:214d5811-0d39-4c38-bc8c-8b7ff0950264">Re: Boiling right now...</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow. Nice everyone is so supportive and missing the point. Guess I picked the wrong venue for just some venting and support when feeling down.
Posted by lisaandbrandonKS[/QUOTE]

Jesus fucking christ on a pogo stick. 

Really?  You're pissed off at your mother because she won't call your cousin to enforce a rule for YOUR wedding that YOU put in place?

The I-have-a-PDH-and-own-my-own-business-and-grown-children routine does nothing to help your cause when you act like a child. 

Night_Sprite

You are making a mountain out of a mole hill.  Call your cousin and explain.  Done and done.  Be polite.  Say you don't want to appear biased, space/budget restrictions, whatever.  Either that or suck it up.  Both ways, you can do it all by yourself.

lisaandbrandonKS

Glad your life is perfect, thanks?! Jesus. Again - - my only point is it's inarguably frustrating my mom was a participant (actually thought of it!) in agreeing with this and then bails on the rest of us. Jesus. It's not a sign of immaturity to be annoyed with your mother; I was asking for some feedback from ither who have been there in this process.  I don't really just need your pissiness here.  Get over yourself.

Night_Sprite

You should probably lurk more before you post anymore.

lisaandbrandonKS

Thanks, Night Sprite. I would like it if my family was as reasonable as this, but my aunt's made it a huge deal at the reunion and already caused a lot of hurt feelings. Obviously I will handle, just was trying to mitigate the damage and vent for a bit. Anyway, again, I think I defintiely chose the wrong venue for tonight. I'll just call a friend and bitch for a few minutes then move on per usual!
Goodnight! BTW, I like your photo. -L.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_boiling-right-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:e9cc4bf4-50d2-4f67-a415-292d4d3a2b23Post:353f5ef8-2cf7-458c-bc02-719cece5eaa5">Re: Boiling right now...</a>:
[QUOTE]Glad your life is perfect, thanks?! Jesus. Again - - my only point is it's inarguably frustrating my mom was a participant (actually thought of it!) in agreeing with this and then bails on the rest of us. Jesus. It's not a sign of immaturity to be annoyed with your mother; I was asking for some feedback from ither who have been there in this process.  <strong>I don't really just need your pissiness here.</strong>  Get over yourself.
Posted by lisaandbrandonKS[/QUOTE]

I'm pretty sure the "pissiness" is coming from you.  I mean, you're the one that's SO upset at her mother that she's "boiling."

My guess is that your mother probably doesn't want to have to tell her sister that her granddaughter is not invited.

ootmother2

take a deep breath right now

Tomorrow, make the phone call that  you know you need to make.  Unless you want all cousins and second cousins at the weddng.

[Deleted User]

I had to google 'rubric'. That made me feel dumb.

[Deleted User]

What does having a PhD and owning a business have to do with this? That information isn't relevant at all.

Just call your aunt and explain the situation. Don't blame your mother, because regardless of what she said she'd do, it's your respondibility to make sure all guests know the "rules." And, it's not up to your mom to explain to your aunt. Yes, it was rude of her to tack on her daughter, but all it takes is a phone call to fix.

goheels05

But Sesh, she has a PhD.  It's totally relevant. 

lisaandbrandonKS

Wow. Can't do anything right on here, and total strangers rip you to death. Weird. My only reason for mentoning my background at all was to start with that I've well-manage an independent life (but still got all those "mommy/baby" comments anyway. Whatever). I ran into something personally difficult it would have been nice to have some support on, that's it. Seriously? No ones else hear ever needs to vent?! It's a fun hobby to be hateful to people on the boards?!  Anyway, I handled the call to my cousin as nicely as I could, it sucked, my mom's being even more of a bitch about it now, I assume they'll get over it, and we have to stick with the plan that was fair to both families whether she is happy or not. Thanks for those of you that weren't totally bitchy about my post and good luck with your weddings.   

MeaghanandMichael

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_boiling-right-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:e9cc4bf4-50d2-4f67-a415-292d4d3a2b23Post:66595713-43f4-4c7a-b059-c7d33faf8539">Re: Boiling right now...</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow. Can't do anything right on here, and total strangers rip you to death. Weird. My only reason for mentoning my background at all was to start with that I've well-manage an independent life (but still got all those "mommy/baby" comments anyway. Whatever). I ran into something personally difficult it would have been nice to have some support on, that's it. Seriously? <strong>No ones else hear ever needs to vent?!</strong> It's a fun hobby to be hateful to people on the boards?!  Anyway, I handled the call to my cousin as nicely as I could, it sucked, my mom's being even more of a bitch about it now, I assume they'll get over it, and we have to stick with the plan that was fair to both families whether she is happy or not. Thanks for those of you that weren't totally bitchy about my post and good luck with your weddings.   
Posted by lisaandbrandonKS[/QUOTE]

PhD? Really?

loritajean

lisaandbrandon - Congrats on your upcoming wedding! Sounds like it's gonna be an awesome weekend.

I don't see why you can't just tell your cousin nicely that you can't invite the 18 year old, and explain why... you're only inviting drinking-age adults. I think it's a perfectly acceptable request on your part, and I doubt your cousin will make a fuss about it. She probably thought it was just adults, and didn't know about the drinking age.

I gotta agree with TideTravel on this one... You don't need your mom to do this for you. You're a grown, successful woman and you can handle your own problems, especially for your own wedding. Just have a polite conversation with your cousin explaining the misunderstanding, and I'm sure it will be fine.

good luck!

Krysti21

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_boiling-right-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:e9cc4bf4-50d2-4f67-a415-292d4d3a2b23Post:b2c7806b-38ea-4b66-a866-3170ff7faf36">Re: Boiling right now...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Boiling right now... : PhD? Really?
Posted by MeaghanandMichael[/QUOTE]

WIN.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_boiling-right-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:e9cc4bf4-50d2-4f67-a415-292d4d3a2b23Post:d7508024-5bf5-4a8b-b357-04e5bda926c4">Re: Boiling right now...</a>:
[QUOTE]But Sesh, she has a PhD.  It's totally relevant. 
Posted by goheels05[/QUOTE]

Silly me.

missy68

Too.Many.Big.Words. 

Just make the call. If you're that much of an independent woman, you shouldn't have any problem with telling someone "I'm sorry, but no."

But, I would suggest fewer words. The point gets lost amongst word vomit.


PS - Actually, I understood all of them, they were just unnecessary and showy. Especially with the continual misspellings of everyday words.

asalustro

Wow!  So what if she added that she is a PHD or owns her own business, does that give you the right to be completely rude and ugly?? Who monitors this forum? First time on here and definitely my last after reading this. Not sure why it makes people feel so good about themselves to make others feel bad.

allisong23

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_boiling-right-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:e9cc4bf4-50d2-4f67-a415-292d4d3a2b23Post:c8c5b1d8-853a-479d-9418-e3b304523b18">Re: Boiling right now...</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow!  So what if she added that she is a PHD or owns her own business, does that give you the right to be completely rude and ugly?? Who monitors this forum? First time on here and definitely my last after reading this. Not sure why it makes people feel so good about themselves to make others feel bad.
Posted by asalustro[/QUOTE]

So sad. You will be missed.

goheels05

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_boiling-right-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:e9cc4bf4-50d2-4f67-a415-292d4d3a2b23Post:c8c5b1d8-853a-479d-9418-e3b304523b18">Re: Boiling right now...</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow!  So what if she added that she is a PHD or owns her own business, does that give you the right to be completely rude and ugly?? Who monitors this forum? First time on here and definitely my last after reading this. Not sure why it makes people feel so good about themselves to make others feel bad.
Posted by asalustro[/QUOTE]


Don't let the door hit ya!

tldh

I have a  JD.  Does this give me a get out of bad bride jail for free card?

rachel_elizabeth1124

I'm a lurker, I'll admit it. This is hilarious.

I'm taking notes, I promise. 

luckyme502

I bet she makes everyone call her doctor too.