I feel like it is my responsibility to give my story, as I know that there are many other women in the same situation I was in.
My posting history was full of desperation/drama/rants...I was in fact very desperate to find answers to my marriage - but I never told anyone the truth about what was truly going on.
I was in an abusive relationship. I somehow lost my voice during my time with him. He made me believe (as all abusers do) that I was the problem. It was always a different excuse and I believed every one of them. I blamed my anxiety, my appearance, my history, my flaws. He was not only cruel beyond anything I could possibly describe, but he subtly manipulated me into believing that I was responsible for his abuse and alcoholism. This is coming from a woman that is described by friends and family as very strong - these things can make the strongest women very weak. The scariest part is that you dont even know it is happening - the blame and manipulation happens very subtly.
I hid the abuse and covered up his alcoholism to the best of my ability. Friends and family had their suspicions all along and were not as clueless as I thought.
Things took a turn for the worse when I ended up in the hospital. It was then that I told my family all of the secrets - exactly what kind of hell I had been in. I don't know what I would have done without the support of my family. What a relief to no longer carry the burden of so many lies.
My H is an extremely respected police officer and well known throughout the community, as his father is also in law enforcement. He has been in law enforcement for a decade and has managed to fool everyone. They believe he is a wonderful officer, full of humor and wit, and extremely intelligent. They dont know that he has been drinking himself to death for nearly a decade. They dont know that he is an abuser. And they probably never will. As afraid as I was to get the truth out because I knew that he would paint a false picture, it was a risk I was willing to take and Im glad I did.
The divorce is already in process and Im with family now. I am broken and will be rebuilding my life from the bottom. But I'm alive and will only become more alive as time goes on. Its frightening to get out and leave behind your dreams, what you hoped would happen, and wonder where you are going next...but its worth it and if I can leave, anybody can.