Help Please (MIL Vent & Guest Ettiquete Q) Long

lk&dparker

So here is the dilema, My FI and I are paying for the Wedding, we had originally just wanted a smaller Friday Wedding (because it is cheaper and you only have to have like 75 people) where as for a sturday is a minimum of 100 and is more expensive. Anyway my FMIL didnt like that said people wouldnt go and that Friday Weddings arent as nice blah blah so to appease her we just said fine Saturday it is and we will have the minimum of 100 people. Well I previously posted that I had a problem getting my FMIL list of family from her side and I FINALLY did get it from her the weekend before I mailed my invites out, so 2 weeks ago, and she bumped our list to 150!! So needless to say I am freaking out a little, even though she insist not all of them will come. (Sorry for the rambling, but I wanted you to have the background information)

So My first question is, do we have to let everyone bring a +1?? we did not put that on our invite because if all the single people bring a date then we will really be over our budget and go way bigger then what we even wanted.

My second question is (Here is some more background first)my FMIL caught wind of this because I told a male friend of hers (That I cannot stand!!!!) that as of right now he cannot bring a date because we are already over our count and our budget, (he is a flavor of the week guy so it isnt even a long time thing) and I will let him know as we get closer if we will have enough space in our budget to let people bring dates, & I know it is just one person but its someone I cant stand and if I do it for him then everyone else will want to too.His reply was well then I wont come if I cant bring a date. (FINE BY ME JERK!) My FMIL said OH just let him bring a date, I will pay for it, and you can just pay me back, well I told her that I want to wait, this Wedding is already bigger then WE planned and it is OUR WEDDING afterall and I dont want to have to pay her back for all the Extra people SHE added!
Is this wrong of me too?? am I just being a Brat??

Thanks in advance Ladies and sorry for the rambling! I am just frustrated!!

rungirl12

It sounds like no one has stood up to FMIL's demands, so she may think it's ok to continue with more and more demands.  Why not?  She keeps getting her way out of it.  It sounds like you did not try and tell her that 150 was NOT an acceptable number to you, so you allowed her to think it was ok.  In my opinion, this is where your FI needs to step in and have the following conversation with his mom.  His family, he needs to step up to the plate on this one.

Depending on how much you've actually said to her about her demands, she may not even realize she's over-running your wedding.  If these 150 haven't been invited, I would start there and tell her no.  Let's say 75 of these people are her guests, give her a number that you are willing to pay for (40 or so), and let her choose who the 40 are.  Tell her if she wants more invited, she will need to pay $x per person because you only have room in your budget to allot her 40 guests.  In her choosing of her 40 guests, she can decide if JERK gets to bring a guest.  If that guest is worth one of her 40 spots, then so be it.  Same thing, if she's willing to pay to have JERK bring his guest as a +1 not part of her 40, then let her pay for that. 

People over 18 should be invited with a guest (unless it's your single Grandma, or a off-one scenario like that where it would look silly to invite with a guest).  I hope that didn't sound harsh - I dealt with a similar situation with my mom and all the people she wanted invited, but was careful to tell her NO immediately with no alternative.

Lobsters25

Ditto with rungirl.  Tell her to cut down her guest list.  You can NOT send the invites expecting people not to come - that's asking for a huge disaster.  If she wants to pay UP FRONT for additional guests, then it can become a discussion between you and FI, with her.

The biggest thing you need to do is put your foot down and stop explaining yourself.  If you and FI are paying for the wedding, then do what you need to do.

To answer your questions -

Plus ones are not required, at all.  My friend only did plus one's for anyone engaged or living together, and that was it, and everyone was more than fine with it.  We're inviting them because our wedding is so small that it's like three extra people. 
You do not have to explain yourself, just respond with a simple "I'm sorry, but we aren't able to accommodate plus ones." The end. 

To your second question, no, you're not being a brat, but you can't offer to allow people to gradually bring plus one's if room allows.  That's basically creating an unintentional b-list, which is a big no-no.  It needs to be all or none, or whatever other rule you create, but not 'we'll play it by ear.'

lk&dparker

As far as the plus 1 is understand to add one to engaged couple or long time bf/gf but I did not allow room for someone to bring a date just to have a date, like the jerk who wants to bring the flavor of the week.
I see what you mean about the playing it by ear, I mean I just didnt know what to say without offending my FMIL, so I was just kind of winging it.
And I should clarify she did not add 150 she bumped our list TO 150 so 50 people over, she is also still trying to add more people saying she forgot, I did stand up to her about that saying that we are good on our guest list.
But these issues are just IRRITATING the heck out of me!! Also coming from her who has not shown the slightest interest in our Wedding until just now pretty much.
I just dont know what to do..she doesnt listen to anyone she is "head" of the family...

mbatzlaff

We are not giving everyone a plus one because we are very close to our limit of guests (for financial reasons) and if we did that for all of the single people we'd end up with 30 more people. Obviously those in committed relationships will be invited with their partner, but we didn't like the idea of having to cut close friends and family to accomodate guests we had never even met.

PPs have the right idea. Stick to your limit and have FMIL cut down her list if its too many people.

SFlvr83

Speaking from experience...I say it's your wedding, you and your fiance should have everything the way you want it...especially if you are paying. Our guest list is a bit larger than we had originally planned, but on our RSVPs we put "We have reserved ___ seat(s) in your honor" then filled in how many. Our single friends get one seat reserved...I don't want to pay for some random date they decide to bring along.

Maybe you and your fiance should sit down with your MIL and have a serious talk with her about this...better to get this under control before more bigger problems stem from it.

gymbugmj2k

first of all. you and FI should sit down and discuss what is ok and what isnt. then the 2 of you (or maybe just him) should present that to your mom.  she needs a gentle reminder that it is your wedding.  That being said....moms do tend to want to invite more people. it happens in almost every wedding. so at some point you do need to understand her wish to have people there.  is it family/close friends? if so, go with it.  is it random people from her job, or ones she hasnt talked to in awhile and you don't know? then draw the line.

that being said. 50 people over isn't the worst thing.  you WILL get some 'no' responses that will bring the numbers back down.  we originally wanted 200-220 and we invited 249 after making cuts.... i know of at least 8-10 already that can't make it.  the list WAS at 270, but then we agreed that +1's for our friends werent necessary. 

our rule for +1s was this:

Allowable:
committed relationship (over 6 months)
someone who only knows 1 or 2 people at the wedding (so they're more comfortable)
someone who we know would make a fuss about not having a +1 (my one college friend who is the only single one left in our group)

Not allowable:
single friends who know more than 4-5 people at the wedding (they'll have fun anyway)

that alone cut almost 30 people.