Why is this "tacky" but not that?

odustudent22

I keep seeing people say that cash bars are tacky.  If I had an unlimited budget,  I would be thrilled to have an open bar.  That is not the case.  I work two jobs, and my FI works 70 hrs a week....we have full custody of his two teenage chidren, one headed off to college weeks after the wedding and one we're saving up 5k for braces for...we can not afford to liquor up all the friends and family coming to our wedding.  We are buying x amount of beer, and the champagne toast.  If the guests want wine or liquor, they can slip out to the connecting bar and buy it.  It's a noon reception so we're hoping that guests woudn't be out to get sloshed that early anyway.  I am sorry that so many people think it's tacky. 

BUT

Why is "tacky" to ask guests to buy their own optional booze, but not tacky to do a dollar dance?  I'm not out to get anyone's feathers ruffled, but I just don't see it....pay me money to dance with me.....really?  that's not tacky?  
Just wondering what other's opinions are about the matter.   

dawnp917

People will say that dollar dances are just as tacky as having a cash bar.  In some cultures and social circles it is accepted to have a dollar dance in others it isn't.   I am personally not a fan of dollar dances, they tend to go on for way too long.

i2012do

Actually, It hink most people think a dollr dance is tacky.

However, sometimes its a cultural thing. For example, my dad's mom who is a headstrong italian lady made my non-italian mom do a dollar dance at their wedding. My mom said she felt mortified, but all my italian relatives didn't see any issue with it!

mercy4

I think everything is tacky!  I also agree that people don't need to be wasted in the middle of the day.  

ElyseE25

I was told that the dollar dance was tacky but I personally don't think a cash bar is. If people are really that unhappy they have to think about how you are actually offering alcohol, you could just choose to have a dry wedding. My friends did that and let me tell you I think it was a disaster, everyone ended up going to the bar in the resturant upstairs to get drinks and the reception was empty most of the night! 

osuchica85

I have been to a cash bar wedding. My thoughts were....oh thank god at least I can get booze! I was greatful for the option. I did not think it was tacky. I've also been to weddings with no booze...those were a bit of a bummer...just because it wasn't a party vibe that I am use to at weddings. It was more like I was going to a bridal shower. Anyway...I respect that what someone else can afford or wants to do, is not the same as what another can/want to do. I am there for one reason-to celebrate their union.

For the record....I don't like dollar dances but I think they are pretty much the same thing as a card box...and I don't like those either. I won't get into that. I wouldn't say they are tacky....just not for me.

i2012do

also i totally read over the part where you said it was an afternoon wedding. I think a cash bar is ok for that. However, Ithink that you wouldn't invite people for dinner and not give them wine- in the same respect you might invite someone to lunch and only serve lemonade- and that is totally fine!

KellyBrian2013

The reason it is "tacky" is because many people arrive at weddings not expecting to pay for anything OR some people, frankly, can't afford it.

Would you give your guests chicken with the option of filet mignon and lobsters for those who brought their wallets? I'd hope not.

That said, what you are doing sounds fine. You are not having a "cash bar"... you are hosting what you can afford (good) and if guests leave your wedding area, there is a restaurant bar. You have no control there, so what you did is fine.

And dollar dances are terribly tacky.

saraschilling88

In my area cash bars aren't considered tacky, nor are dollar dances..

My parents are going to look at our RSVP list, and purchase a certain number of drink tickets per person (to be handed out upon arrival), and once those tickets are gone it will be a cash bar.  We did this because the place wouldn't let us do an open bar, nor would they let us bring in our own booze (with the exception of wine/champagne).  We will be providing wine and champagne until our supply is gone as well. 

I love dollar dances personally, because it may be the only time that night that you can dance with the bride/groom.  So we will be doing one

libby2483

In my circle/area, both dollar dances and cash bars are common place, and we will be doing both as well.  

We will be providing soda and kegs of beer, and guests have the option to purchase liquor or wine from the bar at our venue.  This is the norm in my area, and none of my friends or family would be offended at the idea of having to pay if they want something other than beer. 

As far as dollar dances go, I mentioned not having one and my family and friends were like, "No, you have to have one!  They are so much fun!"  So again, something that is the norm and not considered tacky in my circle.

Ladies on the etiquette board will tell you both are unacceptable, but I think it is really about knowing your guests and what they will like/consider acceptable.

unicorntrees

Before joining TK, I had no idea that where you lived in the country reflected whether or not a cash bar is acceptable. In recent times, I have been to two weddings, and both had cash bars. I just thought this was the norm, and I thought that an open bar was for rich people, haha. Maybe the cash bar at the weddings I went to reflects the norms of my area. Either way, I know that I am having a cash bar because, well, as I said, I thought that was the norm, and FI and I wouldn't be able to afford an open bar anyway. Plus, FI and I aren't big drinkers ourselves, so paying for other people to booze up on our dime isn't appealing to us.

To me, it's kind of similar to a situation (that I've been in a few times) in which you go out to dinner with some friends, and they all order multiple drinks and you don't. When it comes time to pay the bill, everyone just wants to split the bill evenly instead of paying for what they ordered individually, causing you to pay way more than what you actually consumed (food and drink). 

Regarding the dollar dance, in this thread I just learned that other people know about and do dollar dances, lol. I come from a Mexican family, and the dollar dance is one of our cultural things to do at weddings. Now, I am pretty Americanized and a bit removed from my culture (living far away from my family didn't help, lol). Some of my family mentioned doing the dollar dance, but I don't think I will because, as I said, I'm a bit removed from the Mexican culture, and I don't think I'd feel right because I view it as a cultural thing. Now that I know this is a known thing, if I went to someone else's wedding and they had one, I wouldn't think it was tacky at all. 

msowena

As a PP said, what your doing isn't considered 'tacky', you are hosting beer. Though many would tell you to ONLY host beer and not give anything else as an option to pay for (which as I guest I would personally be PO'ed at... I drink mixed drinks only and would like the options to buy them and wouldn't find it at ALL tacky)

With that said, again as a PP mentioned...  before coming on the knot I thought that open bars were only for rich people as well. I too have only been to cash bar (full cash...not offering *anything* for free)... This is the norm for my family. I may be hosting Sangria during cocktail hour... but that's it. Wine toast and a sangria or two and unlimited water & soda, anything else is on their dime. I think you need to judge weather or not YOUR family & friends (and FI's too obviously) will think this is tacky or not. My family thinks I'm weird for even offering free Sangria for the hour... that's just not normal for our circle and they think the money could be better spent elsewhere because nobody "expects" us to pay for their booze.

My family is not happy that I am not doing the dollar dance. I wouldnt judge somebody else for doing it, I just don't feel comfortable with it. I also don't want to dance with whoever wants to dance with me... I have a personal bubble and I don't want every man at my wedding to invade it. Plus I think it takes up too much precious time of our 4 hour reception

I feel like MOST (not all) "etiquette" rules arn't for everybody. It's too generalized... to me it's like saying all women love shopping. Everybody is different and every region and social circle is different. I think it's ignorant of people to say that YOUR friends & family, whom they have never met, will think your rude for doing this or that.

End rant!

frantastic12

I think both are equally as tacky.  But I think it's fine to offer beer or beer and wine only.  If having a dollar dance or cash bar are common in your circle, then it's your call.  They aren't common in mine though, so for the most part, my family and friends would find it tacky too.  But I know that varies by region.  I've only been to weddings in Ohio, so I can only speak from that experience. 

I've been to 3 weddings that had a dollar dance.  2 of those also had a cash bar.  Of those 2, I was in the WP in one and had to talk the bride out of requesting cash gifts only on the invitation.  At the other, the B&G didn't even send a thank you note (I gave them $50 cash as a gift).  So it isn't necessarily the dollar dance alone that totally bothers me, but the combination of multiple etiquette faux pas. 

The assumption that someone hosting an open bar has an unlimited budget, or that they're rich, or that they have parents who are footing the bill does bother me though.  There was no question that we would have an open bar, as it is very much the norm in our circle, and we knew that the only way we could swing an open bar with the large  guest list we wanted was to find a venue that allowed BYOB (we are most certainly on a budget and paying for it all ourselves).  So we only looked at BYOB venues, as bringing our alcohol was MUCH cheaper than paying a flat rate per person, or paying based on consumption. 

ETA: clarity

CallMeMrsChaos

It is interesting to read everyone's opinions on the issue. But where I am from, unless you are putting on a fancy "Boston" wedding (sorry ladies!) out here in the western part of the state it completely acceptable to have a cash bar, and I fully intend to do so. If feasible as in the venue allows we may purchase white/red wine to be placed at each table. However, other than that, my guests will have to pay for their booze. I second the idea that FI and I aren't big drinkers, and thus it wouldn't be the norm for us to host a full cash bar.

unicorntrees

Can I just say that this thread is another example of why I love this board? Everyone just tactfully stated what they felt without yelling at someone else or telling someone else that they were wrong or anything like that. It's why I'm never afraid to post here.