Vegan Menu conflicts....long post!

not2ez2bgreen

FI, DD and I are all vegan, we have a couple of vegetarian relatives,some vegan friends, a vegan cousin, and some muslim family who can't eat meat thats not Halal. Fi's grandmother also has celiac disease, so no gluten. We are planning a simple Hors devours reception, but also for it to be vegan and gluten free.
We plan on serving...

Flavored breadsticks with fresh marinara
Tabouli stuffed cherry tomatoes
Chunky potato soup shooters
Spinach mini "quiche"
Chili "meat"balls
Apple Chips

Vegan chocolate wedding cake
Pumpkin cookies
Whole wheat spice bars with maple cream frosting

Hot apple cider
Coffee
Water

The only problem with this is FI's parents and siblings. They are COMPLETLEY against our veganism, and think that its some kind of trend that we have spread to friends and family (we talked to a few people about our choices and they took our ideas to heart I guess...) Anyway, they think that it is extremley rude of us to not serve meat at our wedding for "everyone else" as FMIL keeps saying.
For FI's birthday I made a vegan chocolate cake, and she made a boxed cake with eggs and milk, so that "everyone else" could eat some too. I find their behavior rude and hurtful, because theres nothing wrong with this food...I'm not talking about serving a cold veggie tray sans dip and some unsalted nuts....I think this a pretty well rounded, hearty hors devours menu....
I just dont want my day to be all about them, and how disapointed they are that theres nothing there for them to eat, and I really dont want to hear it on our special day...but I am just against serving meat to our guests, because its our wedding, and we don't feel that its ethical or healthy to eat animal products. I know that the health of our guests, and FI's family is not my responsibility, but I just dont know why they can't respect us and go with out meat for 6 hours.

pulga131

Why can't you have vegan choices and meat choices?  If I read this correctly its probably about equal amounts of vegan/vegetarian guests to non vegan guests.  And if thats the case then you should offer food choices for both.  Not everyone will want to eat meatless food, but you certainly do need to offer vegan choices. It is ultimatley your wedding, however, I tend to agree with the FMIL.  Its great that you feel so strongly about not eating animals but not everyone feels that way and a host should serve what their guests would want to eat.  It would be like a non vegan not serving vegan dishes because they are not vegan.  

future-mrs

While they are being rude, I must ask: who's paying?  Just you and your FI?  If so, screw them.  Your footing the bill, so you get to pick and choose what you do and don't want.

kaesha

One of my best friends is vegan - we do vegan cooking together every Monday! We were testing out one of her friends' cookbooks: Ripe: From Around Here, and it has some really fantastic recipes in it.

One: are you ILs footing any of the bill? If so, you really should respect their wishes and make a compromise somewhere. If not they aren't footing the bill, you can go ahead and do whatever you want. It sounds to me like they're scared the food won't taste good and that'll be an embarassment. They probably belong to that generation who believes that a good host provides meat to their guests, and that ideology is hard to get over.

Okay, so one of the things that many people have trouble with is the meat substitutes. I love tofu, tempeh, etc, but they doesn't taste like meat, and I don't like it when people pretend they do. I think a lot of people have a knee jerk reaction to these fake meats - and if that's what their experience of veganism is, I don't think it should come as a surprise that they're dreading it. So, yes, I think you'll have guests who will turn up their noses at eggless quiche and the faux meatballs.

If you can, focus on what's fresh and flavourful and in season. Think colour. I think the potato soup shooters (although don't do chunky - if it's a shooter, the chunks tend to get stuck in the glasses) sound delicious, as do the stuffed tomatoes. Remember people eat with their eyes first, and prettying up tofu is a challenge. If they can't indentify what the food is, that's a huge turn-off.

Here are some other suggestions:

Chunky guacamole on tortilla chips
Marinated Grilled Peppers with pesto (omit the parmesan) on crostini
Sweet Potato fries with an apple dipping sauce
Pecan and rosemary stuffed grilled mushroom caps
Olive tapenade on cucumber rounds
Portions of something like sesame noodles (plate it in small take-out boxes) or pad thai (made without the fish sauce)
Spiced olives
Balsamic Roasted Asaragus Spears

_Dagney_

If you are hosting then there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a vegan wedding.  No one would suggest that a family who keeps kosher or hahal serve both kosher and non-kosher foods at their reception.

If you are vegan for dietary concerns and not your moral beliefs then I see nothing wrong with adding a chicken skewer or something, however you are not required to comprimise your beliefs to feed your guests in the way most familiar to them.

I once went to an amazing vegan reception at the Four Seasons and it was delightful.

Lisa8888

I think you should offer a vegan menu and a regular meat menu. No one is trying to change your views but you shouldn't impose your views either. All the venues I have talked to provide primarily a meat menu but they all include a vegan menu also.

Being a good host, I think you should provide both whether you are a vegie lover or a meat lover.

tldh

I've gotta go with FMIL and Lisa on this one.  While I respect your views, I really don't like vegan food.  FI is Greek Orthodox and he went vegan during his lent a couple of years ago.  I made a couple of vegan recipes that people raved about.  After tasting them, I got up and had dinner at the bakery behind my old apartment building.

Posters are reminded all the time to remember to put vegetarian dishes on their menu.  It should work in the opposite direction also.

mysticl

OP,  I noticed that one of reasons for being a vegan is your personal ethics.  I am a HUGE believer in ethics (long personal story) and as long as your ethics are not harmful to anyone no one should ask you to compromise them.  If I was going to a wedding where the bride and groom keep Kosher I wouldn't get angry if they didn't serve shrimp or cheeseburger sliders. 

I think the word "Vegan" freaks people out.  There are lots of things that could be called vegan that people eat all the time. 

How do you do the potato soup without milk?  Do you use like soy or rice milk?

kaesha

I'm sorry to come back to this, but I was talking about it with my friend tonight. I don't think it does work in reverse - especially when doing something would compromise your ethics - although I get why some people think so. The equality/equity debate is a challenging line to work out. Like mysticl, I put veganism in the same category as other religious dietary restrictions and I totally agree - people eat vegan food all the time. They just don't think of it as vegan! Carly answered this question as part of the Knot Live in the first season, and did a post about it too:

http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/wedding-reception-planning/qa/is-a-vegetarian-meal-okay.aspx

Good luck with whatever you decide.

not2ez2bgreen

Okay, So FI and I are footing the brunt of the bill, my Mom is taking care of the dress.

I just feel like no one would question us or complain if we chose to eat halal, or kosher and we didn't serve any pork, or if we didn't have any milk or eggs in anything (dd has allergies), but because theres no meat, and its not something familar they freak out. I wish I could say that we could just serve dishes that a meat free by nature, and not go without the faux meat options (we arent big fans) but then they really wouldn't eat ANYTHING. Fresh fruits and vegetables are a foriegn concept to these people. (FMIL said she didnt think i could feed dd an avacado because she might choke on the skin)
I dont know why its okay for us to pick at the veggie tray at their events and parties, but they can't eat meat free, for just a few hours...they will probably go home and eat afterwards regardless.

@mysticl. we use soy milk!

not2ez2bgreen

Thank-you all for your support! I guess I needed a little bit of validation from someone distantced from the situation!

mysticl

There is one other thing I want to comment on.  One pp made the comment that if meat eaters are expected to provide vegetarian dishes then the vegetarian/vegans should provide meat.  I don't feel that it is the same thing at all.  A meat eater can go without meat for a day, however if a vegetarian/vegan were to eat meat after not having it for years they could get sick.  I can just imagine what would happen to someone who hasn't had cows milk in years and then ate/drank something with it in. 

BTW:  I eat meat but would have no trouble going to a veggie only wedding.  I actually want to try out some of those dishes mentioned. 

antimony

Ethics and picky eaters are two entirely different categories.  (Though, TBQH, I don't think any wedding planning should cater to the needs of picky eaters unless the picky eater is one of the people paying for it.  Other people's pickyness is not the host's problem.)

People will deal.  Sure, they might come, not eat, and whine, but they'll deal.  I'd just stop talking about it with the in-laws.   If you have to talk about it, stick to your guns.  And send me some of those spice bars, mmm.

Trishes

My FI and I are also vegan, and offering only vegan food. Ours encompasses veggies in puff pastry with a mushroom reduction, creamy polenta, roasted veggies, and a coconut ratattouille. We're also offering appetizers, a salad, and some desserts. So far we just haven't mentioned to anyone that it's only going to be vegan, though I understand that it's hard to keep it from family members.

Honestly, if they can't go ONE single meal without eating meat, that's their issue. You don't have to provide meat. They can bring a protein bar or something.  And I think as long as you're not plopping a massive slab of tofu or weird fake meat in front of them, they should be okay.

kaesha

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_food-cakes_vegan-menu-conflictslong-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:23Discussion:fd6ebd07-60ae-41a9-9666-e78d9f664d74Post:c27ddb87-d941-43a4-8291-9b975bea9e62">Re: Vegan Menu conflicts....long post!</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Ethics and picky eaters are two entirely different categories.  (Though, TBQH, I don't think any wedding planning should cater to the needs of picky eaters unless the picky eater is one of the people paying for it.  Other people's pickyness is not the host's problem.)</strong> People will deal.  Sure, they might come, not eat, and whine, but they'll deal.  I'd just stop talking about it with the in-laws.   If you have to talk about it, stick to your guns.  And send me some of those spice bars, mmm.
Posted by antimony[/QUOTE]

THANK YOU. I almost want to quote you in my siggy. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" />

dizzinea

so I can't eat dairy period, at all ever, I do not eat any meat but fish and very occasional chicken, and to be honest I will have nothing to eat at our wedding but our vegan cake, and a plain baked potato, we are paying and we are choosing to do standerd food, my fiance eats everything so that's why, so I get my cake, that being said, I am constantly forced to attend events where there is literally no food that I'm allowed to eat on my weird diet, I bet you guys have had simmilar experiences ,so on your day serve what you want, at least at one party you will be able to eat

Lisa8888

Being a good host means providing food that your guests will enjoy. Going all veggie is not being a good host.

mysticl

What I had for dinner last night:  Brown rice, kidney beans, orange bell peppers, yellow onions, garlic, and baby bella mushrooms cooked in olive oil.  Heart healthy, protein rich, and vegan.  Why did I eat this?  Because it tastes really, really, really good.  Food can be enjoyed by meat eaters even if it doesn't have meat.  I bet if someone had an all pasta station reception and didn't have any meat with the pasta, just a variety of pastas and sauces no one would even notice. 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Hi OP! I am having a similar conundrum. I am a lacto-ovo vegetarian and I did not want to serve meat based on my moral beliefs - I do not want to pay for something I'm morally opposed to, especially on a day that's supposed to celebrate the joy of my wedding. My FI is an omnivore, but we keep our home vegetarian (his decision) and he eats meat when we go out to eat or when he orders lunch at work. It's an arrangement we really like.

I was worried that people would think of our wedding as "that weird vegetarian wedding" or complain about the food. I almost decided to do a sustainable fish or free-range chicken option. But FI was actually adamant that we keep it vegetarian. It represents us. And he thinks I would regret NOT doing it. FI's parents are paying for our rehearsal dinner, so we're comfortable offering 3 dinner choices there - 2 meats (pork and either chicken or fish) and one vegetarian option.

That said, we are doing 2 entree choices which I list as a "pasta course." A mushroom ravioli and a pesto and seasonal vegetable penne. We'll also have a soup, salad and wedding cake, in addition to 4 passed hor d'oeuvres during cocktail hour.

I completely agree that this is a moral issue. No one would force a Southern Baptist to serve alcohol or a Muslim to serve pork. We encourage other brides to serve veggie options at their wedding because vegetarians CANNOT eat meat, whereas omnivores CAN eat vegetarian food.

Now, both my father and stepfather have a hard time going without meat at any meal, though I doubt either will say anything directly to me. I have not told them (or anyone, other than my two BMs, who are also vegetarian) about the menu. if they complain, I'll point them towards In-n-Out burger down the street. By not using fake meats/tofu/odd ingredients and not pointing out that things are vegetarian, I'm actually pretty sure that half the guest list won't even notice. I host cocktail parties at my house with all-vegetarian stuff - cookies, brownies, chips and various dips, other finger foods - and no one has ever noticed there's no meat.

Many people think vegan food is just tofu, bean sprouts and lettuce. You'll prove them wrong! I mean, come on, there are like 4 kinds of meat people routinely eat and over 70 varieties of vegetables!

Trishes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_food-cakes_vegan-menu-conflictslong-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:23Discussion:fd6ebd07-60ae-41a9-9666-e78d9f664d74Post:9f2957eb-3caa-47c0-bb24-1427e82ef8b1">Re: Vegan Menu conflicts....long post!</a>:
[QUOTE]Being a good host means providing food that your guests will enjoy. Going all veggie is not being a good host.
Posted by Lisa8888[/QUOTE]


I find that really hard to believe that if you provide your guests with adequate good food, it's being a bad host. I also find it hard to believe that people can't forego eating meat for just one meal. On one day. Seriously. If they have an issue, they should get a cheeseburger on the way over. It's only appz anyway.

If she were saying "I'm serving Indian food" and it happened to be veg, I doubt anyone would be raising this much hell over it.

[Deleted User]

if you are footing the bill- then you serve what you want.

just because the food doesnt have animal products- doesnt even come close to meaning the food will not be delicious.

i am a vegetarian, and half my wedding party is vegan. however, my dad is contributing a huge chunk of the funds for the reception, and he wants there to be a meat option. so, i am going with mostly vegan with a meat entree. its only fair considering he's paying.

Lisa8888

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_food-cakes_vegan-menu-conflictslong-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:23Discussion:fd6ebd07-60ae-41a9-9666-e78d9f664d74Post:75225f12-4fcc-4dba-a423-474633adb74e">Re: Vegan Menu conflicts....long post!</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi OP! I am having a similar conundrum. I am a lacto-ovo vegetarian and I did not want to serve meat based on my moral beliefs - I do not want to pay for something I'm morally opposed to, especially on a day that's supposed to celebrate the joy of my wedding. My FI is an omnivore, but we keep our home vegetarian (his decision) and he eats meat when we go out to eat or when he orders lunch at work. It's an arrangement we really like. I was worried that people would think of our wedding as "that weird vegetarian wedding" or complain about the food. I almost decided to do a sustainable fish or free-range chicken option. But FI was actually adamant that we keep it vegetarian. It represents us. And he thinks I would regret NOT doing it. FI's parents are paying for our rehearsal dinner, so we're comfortable offering 3 dinner choices there - 2 meats (pork and either chicken or fish) and one vegetarian option. That said, we are doing 2 entree choices which I list as a "pasta course." A mushroom ravioli and a pesto and seasonal vegetable penne. We'll also have a soup, salad and wedding cake, in addition to 4 passed hor d'oeuvres during cocktail hour. I completely agree that this is a moral issue. No one would force a Southern Baptist to serve alcohol or a Muslim to serve pork. We encourage other brides to serve veggie options at their wedding because vegetarians CANNOT eat meat, whereas omnivores CAN eat vegetarian food. Now, both my father and stepfather have a hard time going without meat at any meal, though I doubt either will say anything directly to me. I have not told them (or anyone, other than my two BMs, who are also vegetarian) about the menu. if they complain, I'll point them towards In-n-Out burger down the street. By not using fake meats/tofu/odd ingredients and not pointing out that things are vegetarian, I'm actually pretty sure that half the guest list won't even notice. I host cocktail parties at my house with all-vegetarian stuff - cookies, brownies, chips and various dips, other finger foods - and no one has ever noticed there's no meat. Many people think vegan food is just tofu, bean sprouts and lettuce. You'll prove them wrong! I mean, come on, there are like 4 kinds of meat people routinely eat and over 70 varieties of vegetables!
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

I honestly don't understand how you can be so morally against eating meat when your FI eats meat. None of your guests can eat meat in your presence but your FI can go out and eat meat.

If I had such a firm moral belief I wouldn't pick a guy that eats meat.

Vegetarians can eat meat. They choose not to eat meat.

[Deleted User]

In Response to Re: Vegan Menu conflicts....long post!:
"Vegetarians can eat meat. They choose not to eat meat."



ahem. if you dont eat meat for years- no you physically cannot eat meat. at least not without becoming quite ill. just like lactose intolerant people cannot eat cheese.

abbyful

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_food-cakes_vegan-menu-conflictslong-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:23Discussion:fd6ebd07-60ae-41a9-9666-e78d9f664d74Post:75e0b82d-ea02-4623-afce-c3d4d2c7ffd4">Re: Vegan Menu conflicts....long post!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vegan Menu conflicts....long post! : "Vegetarians can eat meat. They choose not to eat meat." ahem. if you dont eat meat for years- no you physically cannot eat meat. at least not without becoming quite ill. just like lactose intolerant people cannot eat cheese.
Posted by elahenara[/QUOTE]

It's not the same as lactose intolerant people. The reason you have digestive upset if you eat meat after not eating for a while is because the digestive enzymes and bacteria to break it down have all died out in your system. It's just like switching a dog's food, you do it gradually over a couple weeks to let the enzymes/bacteria repopulate. Not the same as lactose intolerance.



That being said, remember the meal is more for the guests, not so much for the couple.For example, I absolutely LOVE ethiopian cuisine, but no way would I serve it at my wedding because 90% of my guests would go home hungry because they'd think it's "weird".

I'm not saying that a couple needs to go against their morals, but they should also keep their guests in mind. I'm not a vegetarian/vegan myself, and I personally would have no problem eating vegetarian food as long as it's real food, but I don't eat meat-subsitutes or soy. The "meat eaters" in the crowd probably will not be happy with meat-substitutes; in my opinion, better not to try to disguise veg*n food as something it's not (i.e. fake meat products), it probably won't be eaten. It would be better to go with just veggies/pasta. And I would suggest maybe making it "vegetarian" rather than "vegan" to widen to appeal to guests.

[Deleted User]

if you look at her menu choices none of them use "fake meats" they are all "real food"

also- if i went to a party at a house were the people were vegan, i wouldn't expect a steak. same thing applies. its ONE meal. people can deal with it. and i am quite sure they wont go hungry.


and my point about becomming ill was about going to a wedding and being only served non vegetarian food. why on earth would i prepare eating meat so i can be served at a wedding? thats ridiculous. if that were the case i would eat nothing and say nothing.

kaesha

Don't worry guys, the troll is gone.

abbyful

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_food-cakes_vegan-menu-conflictslong-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:23Discussion:fd6ebd07-60ae-41a9-9666-e78d9f664d74Post:85485527-f100-4e66-94eb-76af82a676fe">Re: Vegan Menu conflicts....long post!</a>:
[QUOTE]if you look at her menu choices none of them use "fake meats" they are all "real food"
Posted by elahenara[/QUOTE]

These are "fake meat" (well, one "fake egg" and one "fake meat").
<em>Spinach mini "quiche"
Chili "meat"balls

</em>I personally would nix those two<em>.
</em>

antimony

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_food-cakes_vegan-menu-conflictslong-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:23Discussion:fd6ebd07-60ae-41a9-9666-e78d9f664d74Post:66355d0d-5d49-4061-9506-3d38b49ade54">Re: Vegan Menu conflicts....long post!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vegan Menu conflicts....long post! : THANK YOU. I almost want to quote you in my siggy.
Posted by kaesha[/QUOTE]

Feel free,  or to repost the quote if it comes up again. 

RebeccaB88

Many vegans are such because it goes against their personal morals to eat meat.  Makes sense.

But... why does that give them the okay to force their morals on their wedding guests who do choose to eat meat?  "It's not right for me, so at least for this meal, it's not right for you either, and I get to decide that because I'm paying for it." 

I don't see the moral issue in vegetarianism, but I am happy to provide an animal-free meal for a friend who prefers it.  Why shouldn't it work the other way too?

mysticl

Here's the thing about the moral/ethical side.  If it is against your ethics to eat animal products then every aspect of the industry is against your ethics so it would be a violation of your personal ethics to purchase animal products for another person to eat. 

hetshup

OP- I think if you simply remove the "vegan" title, no one will care. 

This is what we are serving.... Not, here is the vegan menu. It's some strange mental block that people have, sometimes people are like, "oh this is so tasty, what is it?" "Foie Gras." "Oh gross!"
 

I would remove the foods traditionally served with the ingrediants that you don't eat. How about Patatas Bravas instead of the chili, it's still got that nice kick you want. Or you could just have bean chili. No need for meatballs.