Getting the fiance motivated!

KatiethePiano

I'm having a hard time getting my fiance motivated to work out. He wants to lose weight, but always finds some way out of exercise. I don't want to nag him about it, because that will just make him angry and I'll end up being frustrated along with him.

For some perspective, he's about 5' 7" and around 240 lbs. He's so cute, I have no qualms with how he looks. But so much of his weight is centered on his belly. His dad also died young from a heart condition.

I also cook a lot, so I try to keep the calories down in our meals. But, if we go out to dinner, he will choose the most decadent thing on the menu.

I've talked to our best man about this. We both think that setting an example will help get him motivated. I work out at least 4x a week. Since school's been out, I've been consistently working out 5x a week. Still, he hasn't made an effort.

What should I do? Any suggestions?

AllAboutTheBenjamin

Maybe instead of going out to eat for a date you could take him on a romantic walk, play frisbee, go rollerblading or biking, hiking, etc.

Unfortunately, if he doesn't want to work out, he just won't.  I know you're concerned for his health but you can't make him go to the gym.  The choice has to be his.

SarahRuthG

I had the same issue with my fiance - sort of.

He has gained a good thirty pounds since we got together. When I first met him he was at the gym 5-6 days a week and watched what he ate and all that. Then he got comfortable, and life got very busy, and he let himself go. I had a talk with him about my concern for his health - not his looks. That at 30 years old he is gaining weight and that life is only going to get more busy and if he keeps it up whats going to happen? And his family doesnt have the greatest health history. He needs to do something about it NOW not in another 10 years and another 30 pounds!

That seemed to help and has gotten him back to being more careful about his food choices and going to the gym when he can.

Good luck. I know it's frusterating!

jabeckner

My fiance and I are doing pre-marital counseling and I actually brought this up in one of our sessions. He is not really over weight, but he is also very lazy and hates to workout, if he does anything more then 20 min a month is too much haha. And the counslor explained it that, some people are just wired to want to go go go, and some are perfectly content not doing anything. Until it is something that he wants to do and he actually see's the benefit in doing so, he wont do it.

jonchrissy

I had some push back from FI when I started talking to him about it. We talked and I explained that when we have our kids and grandkids, I don't want out health/weight to prevent us from running around and playing with them. I know this is something that's REALLY important to him and one of the reasons why he wants kids so young. He's also terrified of death so one day I scared the crap out of him by listing all the things that exercises helps decrease. That got him moving pretty fast.
Now he goes 3-4 days per week and lifts and rides the bike. He does 13 miles on the bike and watches espn and listens to his ipod so it makes it a little more enjoyable.

DZKathryn

My FI also says he wants to work out and get more fit, but he hasn't really been following through with it. I try to make excercise seem less like the gym and more like an active lifestyle. I do most of the cooking so I have been keeping the calories down at meals. I also have been buying stuff at the gorcery store that passes an inspection, it has helped make lunches and breakfasts lighter too. We live close to a beach so we go for walks on the evenings sometimes. FI also likes to be outside so on the weekends we like to go for hikes and picnics. I know it isn't going to give him a six-pack, but every little bit helps and even the smallest results/changes can be motivating.

msange727

i'm in the same situation - heart disease runs in my fiance's family (even took his aunt at a young age, and his dad has already had surgeries for it) but he lets working out go as soon as his schedule gets busy. i love him to death but i want our life together to be as long as possible.

we did have the conversation about this a few months ago, and i when i put it that way (about how i want him to be around as long as possible), it seemed to help. since then he's gotten sidetracked, so i think we need to have another discussion.

good luck! he will get motivated, it just has to be his decision.

tinydancer842

I can relate -- FI also gained lots of weight after we began dating (try 80ibs!) Anyways, I also gained weight (approx 40ibs) & we decided we needed a change together. We both motivated each other to eat better & I in turn lost 24 ibs & he lost 70ibs. It really has to be a joint decision & he has to see there is a problem. FI really saw a problem when he couldn't fit into an XL at a normal store in the mall. He got so discouraged, he didn't notice how much weight he put on & since then we've both been heatlhy & maintaining our weight -- he still wants to lose another 10ibs, but we are taking it slow & enjoying our new bodies.

ashtonjennings

The only thing I have found that works is doing things together like playing tennis or basketball (even if you aren't good at it).. and now that its summer time swimming is great fun, exercise and its sexy!

phut_action

You can try making working out a together thing... or like others mentioned, going on dates that require physical effort like biking, kayaking, hiking, etc. Lots of communities have active clubs, like running or biking or rock climbing clubs. I personally dont like working out with other people but I think I could if it would motivate him to. 

Once we were home watching TV and I wanted to work out but still spend time with my fiancee. We have a treadmill and stationary bike in the basement next to a TV, so we watched a show while we switched off between machines. It was kinda fun, I usually run before he gets home so this doesnt happen often but it was nice. 

KatiethePiano

I took everyone's advice! FI and I walked a mile to the park, went kayaking for over an hour and a half, went swimming, and walked a mile back home. He said it made him feel really good and it wants to do it everyday!

Thank you so much everyone! I appreciate it! :-)

fallingwater

Here are a few ideas:

Ask him to come with you to the gym.  Say you'd like to lift weights and you want a spotter or something. 

If you show how happy you are with your results, sometimes it makes another person want to get up and join you.

Ask him to get up early in the morning with you before work or something and go to the gym.  Tell him it will help start his day, the endorphins will get rolling.  I guarantee that once you start this routine you actually feel better and are more apt to contine working out.

I also agree with the idea of doing active "date" type things: hiking in a local park, walk later in the evening once it gets cooler, kayaking, rock climbing at a place that provides it, etc.

cukimerrydoll

I have the same issue.  Since we started dating, I've lost 90 lbs, and he's gained about 30.  What has been working has been taking him out with me, which will get much easier once he moves into my house.

We do go on some walks and hikes, but I want to do that a little more.  We've been talking about taking the dog out individually before work in the morning (so the dog gets out a bit more) and together in the evening.  I love evening walks, especially with my dog and my FH!  It'll be even better when I can routinely get them together.

And I'll get him added into my weekend hikes with the pooch as well.  It's great exercise, and connected to the dog park.  So, he'd get to see some great off-leash time, and get a great hiking workout as well.

As for talking to him, I talk about my family's health concerns (heart disease being huge - my dad had a heart attack when I was 7), and the family concerns in his family as well.  That way he can see my anxieties as being legitimate: we talk heart disease (my side), colon cancer (his side), diabetes (both sides), and overall stamina.  Just being able to tell him how much better I feel with less weight seems to help him feel like it would make him feel better too.

We talk about how his weight will affect having kids: he wants to be able to throw around a football and be one of those "stroller parents" that we runners hate, but I worry that he won't be able to.  I give him resources other than just me to help him out (his dad and his grandma both boast major weight loss) so he feels like he isn't alone or isolated.

katienguyen

I'm actually having a hard time getting my fiancé to work out as well. I've gained 40lbs since we've met and managed to lose 30lbs. However, he's gained 50lbs and still hasn't managed to lose it. He gets free gym membership through his company but still manages to make excuses. He wants to lose weight and hates that he's overweight but it just seems like all he really wants to do is play games or fiddle with his computer. Spring quarter is over in a week, so he's really not going to have excuses then but I still don't know how I'm going to get him away from his toys. To make it all worse, he hasn't been taken his dog out for as many walks as he used to when he first got her  and she's gotten heavier as well. 

Glad your FI is making progress!! 

Sorry for my long vent! I just had to let it all out... =[