I need help...(long)

MyWedding13

I know this post doesn't belong here, but this is the board I usually chat on so I am hoping you can help me. My fiance and I got engaged in December and have set a date for 6/5/2011. My parents are paying for the wedding, but haven't been excited about planning and when talking to them about anything wedding related, the subject is usually changed. My younger sister (who is psycho-competitve and is a diagnosed borderline personality) was obsessed with trying to get engaged before us, and since she didn't, her new obsession has been saying she is going to have kids before us (and that they will be smarter, better looking..etc..). Said sister just got engaged and my parents are literally over the moon, and haven't shown this much excitement in the whole time we have been engaged. To make matters worse, my dad started saying how "huge and gorgeous" her ring was and said that my fiance just did what he could. FYI, my ring is a nice Tacori ring, which I don't think is anything to sneeze at. I just don't know how to deal with all of this because I was told that "we just need to get through your wedding". I am no longer excited about getting married because it isn't about us anymore, even though it never was. I am just really sad. Since my sister refuses to seek treatment for her personality disorder, I see the therapist that diagnosed her just to help me deal with her. This therapist said she planned this to steal away any sort of attention that we could be getting. Does anyone have any words of advice? Should we elope?

noelle24

First, you need to need to see a new therapist.  I'm pretty sure she violated patient confidentiality by telling you what she did about your sister's plans.  HUGE problem.  Think about what personal thoughts of yours that she could be passing to your sister.  Do you really want that?  You two are not in couple's therapy, therefore, you need to find your OWN therapist.  A responsible one who knows how to follow the law!.

Second, I'm very sorry your family isn't being supportive like you'd like.  No one will ever be as excited for your wedding as you are, but I know it has to be hard to feel like you're getting the short end of the stick compared to your sister.  Perhaps your parents just don't know how to deal with your sister's disorder, and think that giving her lots of attention will keep her happy.   That doesn't change the situation, but it may make it easier for you to understand where they're coming from.  I'm sure your sister's problems have been equally hard on your parents.

In any case, I think that you need to do what will make you and your FI happy.  You should still be happy that you are marrying the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.  If you want to elope, do it.  But make sure it's what you *actually* want, and is not just a reaction to your sister's situation.  What does your FI think?  How would his family feel if you eloped?

MyWedding13

This therapist didn't tell me about my sister's plans, my sister should be in therapy but isn't. We were in family therapy with her for like 2 sessions and she was diagnosed, but my parent's felt that this diagnosis was an insult and "not real". I continued to see this therapist on my own because I felt like she provided valuble insight into dealing with this personality disorder. I feel like if we did elope, it would just be a reaction to her "stealing the spotlight" so to speak. What we don't really want to do is be involved with my family anymore. They are way too emotionally abusive and we have had enough. We don't want them paying for the wedding because we just don't want to take anything from them (money for a reception) and have it hanging over our heads.

noelle24

Sorry, I was skimming and mis-read that part.  I'm an idiot this morning, apparently.

In this case, I'd plan the wedding I could afford on my own with my FI. If that was eloping, then I'd do it.  Another option would be to push back the wedding until you and your FI can afford the reception you want on your own.  I'm not sure how appealing that would be.  I agree with you that I wouldn't want to be financially entangled with your parents.

Since you are still 10 months out, I'd take some time to think about this.  Discuss it with your FI.  In a week or two, if you still feel like eloping is the better choice, go for it.

GL!