Is there a proper way for me to handle this?

Audrey&Austin

So, my FI and I have already picked out our wedding party. We know its early, but we're really close to all of these people. One of my BM has been in a long term relationship with my FI's GM. The GM's daughter is also the flower girl. We see this couple several times a week, we're neighbors, we go to dinner, we babysit, they watch our pets, etc.

Things were going great until out of the blue the BM breaks up with the GM. She decided to go back to a guy that treated her like sh!t. He beat her and controlled her and forced her to do all of the work. The last time they broke up, she told him that she couldn't be with a guy that treated her like that. She also said she needed to be with a guy that had a car, a job, and a phone that she didn't pay for. So she met the GM and things have been going great. Until he gets a hold of her randomly. She goes out to see him, has one conversation with him, and decides to break up with the GM to go back to him!

 My FI and I see the GM and his daughter still, we most likely wont be seeing her at all. When he came over last night, the GM was telling us about everything that happened when she decided to move out. Apparently when he was packing up her car, she said something about the fact that she thinks she is still going to be in the wedding and whatnot. I've tried to get in touch with her to just talk to her about what happened, but I can't get a hold of her. I thought we were close but she wont talk to me about this? It hurts that she did this to him and that she wont talk to me about it.

I know you're not supposed to kick someone out of the wedding party, but I have to. The friendship is over. I feel like she probably already knows this due to her not responding to me at all, but is there a way to say something to her without seeming like a total b!tch about it?

cfibelkorn

Well I would just determine if your good enough friends with her to keep her in the wedding party.

If you are still going to speak with her than keep her in and they can deal with the awkwardness...but if you will never talk to her then i would kick her out.

It is not proper ettiqute(sp?) but sometimes you do have to remove people from your wedding party. My MOH made an extremely rude comment to my aunt about her sexual orientation so I kicked my MOH about a month ago and havent spoken to her since....her husband is my FI's best friend and best man.

Do you want to kick her out??

Audrey&Austin

I don't want to kick her out, but I know that with this guy that she's gone back to, I'll never hear from her. This guy is very controlling and doesn't allow her to really have friends or a life outside of him. I thought we were close, but now I can't get a hold of her. It really hurts that she just left her bf, his daughter, she was getting close to his family, all of her friends and its all for a guy that treats her like dirt.

Tiffany618

What if you just don't do anything?  

Don't call her about events, dresses, or anything.  Just let it play out.  If you never hear from her, no harm done.  You don't even have to kick her out. If you do, then you can judge your friendship based on the new circumstances and decide what to do.

cfibelkorn

I understand....I would try to contact her once more and say something like:

" Hey ______, I have been trying to reach you since your break up with ______. I have left you ___#___ voicemails without any response, so this will be my last attempt to reach you. I would still like to continue our friendship even though you and ____ broke up. Just give me a call back whenever you get this....and I guess if I don't hear back from you I will assume that is answer enough that you no longer wish to be friends. Hope all is well. Bye"


Something kind of like that...stay nice and make sure she knows you still want to be her friend...but dont call too much because then it gets creepy and desperate. Then decide from their based off how much you talk to her from now on if she is still in the WP

HTH!

shortgirltx

I like Tiffany's idea.  You're almost a year out and there is no telling if these two could get back together.

NMac2010

Yikes, that's a tough situation.

You definitely need to get a hold of her and talk to her if you're close with her. But, if she is intentionally avoiding you, I would also take that as a hint that she doesn't want to talk right now.

How far are you from the wedding? Does she have a dress? Can you find someone else to fill her place at this point in the game?

I think she probably realizes she won't be in the wedding anymore. And if she completely stops making contact with you, well, that kind of solves your problem! Hard to have a BM that you never talk to!

Plus, I think that would be hard for your GM to have her in the wedding. It seems that your loyalty would be to him. But, that's just my opinion.

Sounds like she will probably come crawling back to GM anyway, when this ex bf starts treating her like crap again.

Don't let all this drama get in the way of your WP. I would pick another BM to fill her place. If she's a mature adult, she should understand your reasoning.

Audrey&Austin

Thanks for the advice ladies! I've just been at a total loss for what to do about the whole situation. I actually considered posting on E (since it is an etiquette question), but came to my senses and decided to come here for help instead. I never thought that she would just up and leave for the other guy, so its hard for all of us to deal with. I just feel absolutely awful for the GM that she was with, he's been pretty torn up about it.

Jeff and Deepthi

That is a hard situation to deal with. I know a little bit of what you're going through cause I have a friend I just found out she was getting divorced and then a few days later got fired from our job. I was really concerned and called her a couple times but she hasn't called me back at all. I think I will do the same thing Tiffany had said because we were friends for 3 years. I honestly think when someone doesn't return calls and things there is something to be said about that. I know she's avoiding them because other people have said they have talked to her. It can get really frustrating.

BanannaP

I was faced with a similar situation. We got engaged last June, and within a month or two I picked my bridesmaids. I wanted to choose people I knew would be in my life in 10, 20 years, so I chose a very close friend, my sister, FI's sister, and FI's sister-in-law (his brother's wife). Well, in fall, FI's brother and his wife split up. I just never said anything, I figured she really wouldn't want to be there.

Since you still have a while before the wedding, I would just let it play out naturally. You don't need to choose/order dresses for a while, so I would just see what happens between now and then.