Ideas for Child Healthy Lifestyle.. Long..

jmucheech21

Hi ladies!!!  I don't post on here often, but I lurk a lot.  I have always struggled with my weight.  over the last 6 or so year I have lost and gained 30 pounds about 3 times.  Its very frustrating, but now that I am out of college and settled in my life, I seem to be doing much better with it.  I am currently down 35 and would like to get down about 34 more to reach my goal weight.  (Currently a size 12, would like to be about an 8 at my wedding.)

Anyway, the real reason I am posting is I am very concerned about my soon to be step daughter.  Since I have known her, she has always had a very bad diet (lots of junk food, spaghettios, easy mac, eats out almost everyday) but lately it has gotten out of control.  Example:  we went to quiznos the other night and when she was told she couldn't order 2 large subs she started crying..

Her portions are out of control and whenever she says she's hungry and I suggest having an apple or banana for a snack he response is "I'm not on a diet, I want McDonalds or something."  I have been talking with my fiance about it (her father) for months, but he has always said "she's young" and "she's thin, its ok."  He nor his ex wife ever had to worry about weight, so they think its no big deal for her to eat that way.  I keep pointing out its not just about weight, but he isn't biting.

Now, over the last 3 weeks she has started gaining weight RAPIDLY.  Like clothes that fit her a week ago won't button now.  She finally is saying she has a problem and wants to lose weight, but she is so clueless about how to go about it.  I want to help her, but the girl is 12, I don't want to give her a messed up body image or have her counting every single calorie.  I just want her to learn about what healthy living entails.  I'm just not sure how to go about that without hurting her self-esteem or making her obsessed.

Also, I want to mention, she spends the vast majority of her time with her mother, and is only with us every other weekend.  So, there's only so much time she's with us to work on this healthy lifestyle initiative with her.

Has anyone else dealt with this and have some suggestions?  I'm sorry this is so long, just wanted to paint an accurate picture of what's going on.  Thanks!!!

ehathewa

Does she do any activities?  Can you get her interested in a sports team or joining a dance team?  Activity may help. 

Push for healthy snacks - apples, bananas grapes, etc.  And when she is at your house prepare healthy meals in good portions.  You mentioned portions and I think that is a good place to start.  You don't have to cut out McDonalds or Pizza Hut completely... but have 1 sandwich and split the fries.  Eat 2 slices of pizza and make a salad to go with it.  Treats are OK... just not all the time. 

I also wouldn't focus on weight - keep using words like "making healthy choices." 

jonchrissy

I think it's hard since you don't see her very often. I would try and make it so when she's with you she doesn't have the opportunity to eat crap. So no going to quiznos micky d's etc. It might also be a good idea to cook with her, I would go grocery shopping before hand so that she doesn't beg for the bad foods, and then show her what a healthy meal is. I would also try being active with her. Since the weather is nice (or too hot) right now, it's the perfect time to go hiking, biking, etc. Being active is so important to maintaining a healthy weight.
Also, if her parents are ok with discussing it with each other, I would see if FI could talk to her mom about just keeping healthy snacks in the house and limit going out for food.

jmucheech21

I will keep working on that.. thanks for the ideas!!  What's difficult is when we cook she says she won't eat what we make, so then she ends up eating junk.  Unfortunately my fiance refuses to do the whole "don't keep unhealthy options in the house" thing because when we don't have junk food they complain and cry a lot.  Since they aren't with us that much he says he would rather not fight with them when they are here.  

Playing the whole step mom role can be so difficult, because I have my own ideas about parenting that don't really get to count, haha.  I really want them to be healthy, but its just not a focus of their parents, so I feel like I am kinda alone on this one!!

Right now she is crying because we won't take her to chili's for lunch.  ::sigh::  

jmucheech21

I guess the best I can do is try to educate her about healthy lifestyle options and hope she makes good choices.  I just don't want her to struggle the way I have.  I want her to make this her lifestyle when she's young so when she's 27 she doesn't have to figure it all out and make changes and lose 70 pounds because she let things get out of control.  =/

jonchrissy

I get that your FI doesn't want to take that roll, because that was 100% how may father was with me and how he still is with my little brother, but I think it's more important he does take on that role because of it. Even though she may not like it and she'll get upset, it's important that her father actually FATHERS her and is not just a friend. Ask him what's more important, is her health or the fact she thinks he's "cool". She's 12 years old and things are only going to get more difficult with her being a teenager, I'm sure we all know she's not going to like any parent during that time. But parenting isn't about getting your kids to like you, it's about getting them to be the best adults they can be, and that includes taking care of themselves.

Sorry to go on a bit of a rant, but apparently I'm still a little annoyed with my own dad.

raynes

It sounds to me like she's playing the divorce card to get what she wants.  She knows that her being upset upsets your FI and that is she makes a fuss she'll get what she wants.  Trying to be healthy aside, you FI needs to see that and stop it.

I very much agree with what jonchrissy said, he needs to stop trying to be her friend and start being her father.

I also agree with trying to make the focus on making healthy choices and just not letting the crap be available.  It might also be time for some shock-and-awe tactics.  I honestly wish someone had said something to me about my weight.  Someone I cared about and trusted.

I wish I could provide some more advice, but I'm completely brain dead today!

Oh, and for the sake of internet safety, you may want to consider taking your wedding website link our of you signature.  It's got your fully names and location info and some people are just crazy.  There have been cases in the past of people calling and canceling vendors on others.

jmucheech21

Thanks ladies for the suggestions.  Jonchrissy, that is a really good point to hear from someone who's parents were divorced.  I think its so hard for him, because he says his ex wife REALLY babies them and pretty much does whatever they want whenever they want it.  He really does try to be the limit setter, but it really hurts them when they say "mommy doesn't make us do that" or "mommy would let me."  He doesn't want to always have to play the bad cop.  I don't think its an excuse, but it is the reason he offers.  =/  

Thanks for the heads up about the website.  I actually didn't realize our last names were on it.  I'll update that so they aren't listed and everything is all internet safe friendly.  I definitely don't need people canceling our vendors, that would be insane!!!!

Lilou902

I REALLY wish someone had shown me a healthier lifestyle when I was her age.  As a teen my parents told me I was gaining weight, but there was no solution on how not to or how to eat healthy.  I still struggle everyday on making the good decisions.  And lots of times I don't.  Before I got engaged, I started thinking about my body and working out and it has taken me all of nearly two years to even scratch the surface of what healthy living would look like. 

I think that you really should continue pushing the issue with her father.  At 12 teen girls starts to go through that awkward stage and they gain weight regardless.  An unhealthy diet will definitely be catching up with her soon.  Also, I just wanted to add, I am fairly certain that I didn't get to choose too many of my own foods.  Like if I wanted a snack I had to ask.  Not saying I got something super healthy always, but I do think my foods were somewhat monitored when I lived at home.  That is of course until I made my own money and could buy what I wanted.  And if my daughter didn't like what I made for dinner, she would have two choices. 1. Eat what I prepared, 2. Go hungry.  It's as simple as that.  There would be no choosing junk food instead of a well prepared meal.  Good luck!

khornack

Congrats on your own weight loss! My fiance also has children (although younger that your soon- to- be stepdaughter). There are a lot of things we don't agree with that their mom does, but without bad mouthing her, we emphasize, this is how we do things HERE. I already see the playing the divorce card, kids will do that, heck, I tried to do it with my own parents, and they are still married. You are just going to have to try as best as you can to remain firm. Sit down with your fiance and have a serious discussion as to the roles you should take (how much should you discipline, how does he feel about X).

As to the food. I was lucky, healthy eating was always emphasized growing up. Even so, there were nights we sat at the table for literally hours because we had to try our broccoli or asparagus or whatever it was on our plate. Try getting her to cook with you. If she makes it, she's going to be more likely to eat it. Even making small pizzas (fresh dough from a grocery store) you can control what goes in (Oops! forgot to buy the pepperoni, try putting mushrooms on instead). Talk to her about your favorite sports you played as a kid, horse back riding is always cool--offer to pay for a couple lessons, get her up and moving about.

jmucheech21

Thanks for the ideas, ladies!!!     We'll keep working on it!