FI Makes it Hard to Lose LBs

tychandler

I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life, officially classified as overweight by my doctor.  I am 5'10 so I don't look it, I am now up to a size 10, the thing is nearly all my clothes are 4s or 6s.  I am determined to drop this weight, but my fiance says he loves me more shapely and I think he has been sabotaging my diet efforts.  Every time I try to start a diet he tempts me with sweets, wine and other goodies that I don't need.  When I say I can't eat that, he complains that I'm making him eat or drink alone.  He's out of town now for three weeks.  I started Dr Ian's Fat Smash today and Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred today, but I am worried that I will fall off the bandwagon again when he gets back

amyl2585

Try to explain to him how important it is to you.  FI was like that with me, but then realized how much happier and how much more energy I had when I was eating better. Now he encourages me to go to the gym when I am unmotivated.
Good luck!

MyWedding13

Are you really classified as overweight? A size 10 at 5'10 is what I think would be considered normal.

iamjoesgurl

You can still be healthy and be a size 10 or larger. If your FI likes you better with the curves, why are you feeling like you need to lose weight?  Other than the idea of having to replace your wardrobe, what about your weight makes you want to lose?  I bet you look really good at the size you are now.

RCAFWedding

I'd go to another doctor! There is absolutely nothing wrong with a size 10 - I would kill to be a 12! Aside from your doc telling you that you're "overweight," why does being a 10 bother you?

However, if you're determined to lose the weight, have a serious talk with your FI. I've been through that with my FI where he would sabotage my efforts, and I wasn't just overweight, I was OBESE. I found out that part of the problem was that he didn't want to give up cooking his favorite foods (for even a month, and since we live together it's hard to cook two separate meals; even if we did, I would have been too tempted by his food) so I found a diet that still allowed him to eat his favorites - meat, meat, and more meat - which eliminated the temptation on my part. If he has to have something off-diet, he makes it for lunch at brings it to work. He also didn't realize when I first tried to diet just how much it meant to me to lose weight (how he couldn't figure that out is beyond me) nor did he realize that I wasn't doing it for him, it was for ME!

tychandler

I am 185, so I am about 15lbs overweight for my height.  While a 10 may not sound like much, I put on this weight very quickly and if this isn't nipped in the bud soon I could be over 200.  Instead of losing 40 I may have to lose twice as much.  I have a family history of diabetes and heart disease, I also have PCOS and hypoglycemia which heightens my risk for diabetes.  So keeping my weight under control is not just about appearance.  I love that my fiance finds me sexy even though I have put on some weight, but I have to look and live in this with this body everyday  It doesn't matter to me if he's happy with my extra curves if I'm not.  Men don't seem to think there is ever too much booty, but my butt has gotten too big. 

Again, he is out of town for the next few weeks, I told him on the phone that I am starting my diet and that I needed his support.  I jokingly blame him for the weight gain, but honestly I managed my weight so much better alone.  I didn't drink wine with every meal before we got together, I barely had alcohol at all, its empty calories and not good to consume while you are dieting, but if I pass on a glass of wine, he makes me feel bad.  He wants to go out to eat all the time, I don't eat out when I diet, period.  Don't need the temptation.  He wants dessert with dinner every night, and I have a serious sweet tooth.  He eats like a pig but goes to the gym regularly, that works for him.  He says I should be able to eat what I want as long as I hit the gym, but it doesn't work that way for me. Diet is more crucial for me than exercise since i have always been a pretty active person.  I hope my new plan can become routine before he gets back.  He says he will be supportive, hopefully I will be strong enough by then even if he's not.

veritasatori

It sounds like your FI's "sabotage" is less about your body (after all, he obviously loves it whether you're a size 4 or a size 10) and more about his fear that his life will have to change if you change yours. 

For example, my FI loves ordering take-out, keeping many sweets in the house, going out for drinks together, etc.  When I am focused on losing weight or even just living healthfully, I actively discourage pretty much all of the above -- thus, the tension.  He plays the same "I love your body either way" card with me, but what matters most is how I feel and whether I'm working towards a positive goal in my life.   

I've found that it helps to remind my FI about the "payoffs" to him and not just the "costs."  PP mentioned increased energy.  I would include increased sex drive, greater confidence, wearing clothes that show off my shape, going to the pool/beach with FI and not spending the whole time worrying (aloud) about how I look in a swimsuit . . . All of these things benefit him as well as me.  I also give him ideas on junk food that doesn't tempt me -- he gets a free pass to keep these items in the house.  Every couple of weeks, I budget calories carefully and go out to eat with him or order in, trying to make a reasonable choice and watching my portion size.  Same with alcohol . . . a few drinks every once in a while, with a club soda with lime in between drinks (it looks like alcohol, so people don't ask if you're pregnant or a recovering alcoholic). 

It sounds like you've been pointing out to him all of the things he has to change and the things you "can't" do anymore.  I fully agree that you deserve his support and respect in decisions about your body, but maybe try to show him the potential benefits to him, and think about compromise rather than all-or-nothing on things like eating out.

GL!

raynes

I say try and find a happy medium.  I know that, for me, I'd rather take the weight off slowly in a way that keeps me happy, and learn to incorporate the things I love, like wine.

I'd rather lose 0.5 lbs/week while enjoying a glass of wine and a dinner out with my H than lose 2 lbs/week and be miserable. 

Maybe explain to your H that you're not doing this to look skinny, or be a certain weight, but because you want to be healthy so that you can live long, happy, healthy lives together.  Tell him how important it is to you that he support you, and in the way you need support, not in whatever way he thinks he's doing now.  Clearly articulate to him what you need/want from him.

If having some dessert each night is something he likes the two of you to do, find a healthy alternative.  A square of dark chocolate, or a small serving of ice cream.  Or even a frozen banana.

Kate504

maybe instead of drinking wine for every meal only have it for dinner and one glass.

i totally get you on the dessert, try getting him to have healthier desserts. dessert doesn't always have to be sweets, try freezing yoplait yogurt some of thier flavors are pretty sweet and taste good. try freezing things like grapes. If has to have ice cream try sorbet or something like that instead.

instead of looking at what is negative about your body look at the postive. i'm sure you are beautiful. you are about 1 inch shorter than me and i have 40 lbs on you so your butt can't be that big. lol

JenO24

I'd love to be a size 10!!!
I have the same problem w/ my FI though.  He loved a curvy girl and my current size, but I want to be healthier and look better in clothes!  He says he supports me no matter what but then every week its the same thing...I want pizza, lets get Chinese, how about ice cream, and the list goes on.  I fight him on it a lot, but after constant asking I give in on some things.  I've lost 20Ibs so far since mid March, which I'm THRILLED about, but I know if there wasn't so many slip ups due to FI's nagging about bad foods that I would have lost more!

I wish you the best of luck conquering your FI and losing weight!!!

AdeleDazeem

When my fiance moved in, my eating habits changed rapidly.  I'm not even sure what caused the change, but my weight went up (about 10 lbs).  He loves to cook and would make all sorts of yummy dinners.  He would also insist of making a plate for me instead of letting me decide how much I wanted to eat.  We also would commonly split bottles of wine (something I'm rather unwilling to give up).

I was really unhappy for a time, but then decided to change what *I* could.  I always made lunches, so I switched out salty chips and cookies for applesauce and cottage cheese.  I also replaced mayo with mustard.  Breakfast is also easy because he doesn't eat it so I'll have whatever I want - whole wheat waffles, fruit smoothie, cheese, etc...  Yum. 

Dinners are still a sticky point, so I control portion size.  I'm also careful what I eat all day long so I have extra calories available for some wine and dinner at the end of the day.  I figured out how to still have both.  It's been trial and error, but I've made it a point to make decisions I could live with long term instead of short term.

I also have to say that tracking your calories is really eye opening.  Be honest with yourself about how much your eating and you'll see all sorts of ways to cut down.

Good luck!

tychandler

Thanks everyone.  I think Verita is right, he doesn't want to change his lifestyle so he makes it difficult for me to diet.  I will try reminding him of the benefits.  I have a closet full of sexy dresses in 4s and 6s, I would love to wear them again.  I refuse to go dress shopping until I am at least 165.  And I eally want to go dress shopping.  I have a year to the wedding, I just don't want this to still be a problem next year.  The only benefits from this weight gain is I went from a B to C cup, and my boobs have been the same size since junior high.  But my hips have spread like nobody's business and about 30 of that 40 lbs went straight to my booty.  I know many men beleive tehre is never too much booty, but clothing designers sure think so.  I hate shopping now because I can't find bottoms that fit well.  Again, its great that he thinks I look great, but this is not my best and I want this nipped in the bud asap.

FutureMrsTCT

Ty - I am 5'10, and was 185lbs at my heaviest. My suggestion (and the way I did it) was excerise (mainly cardio - which can be easy to do if you enjoy dancing - take a dance class or an aerobics class - way more fun than running); WATER WATER WATER - and even more water! Obviously get to eating healthier - no crash diets or smoothies/shakes - it's all b.s. and won't help you make the change for life. Granted, I did most of this a few years ago, but my initial loss was back in my junior year of college (this was about 4 years ago) I lost 30 lbs, and since have slowly worked my way down to 145 (with the next 5 to come off in the next year) I've gone about it slowly, but it's also helped me keep it off - which is hard b/c I have a FI would loves breads, wines, beer, etc. If you go about it the right way - cardio exercise, weight lifting, eating right - you'll lose the weight but not your curves! Trust me on that one!

Best of luck to you! You can do it!!

APW2010

Joy2611 has the same approach I took.
First, I looked at the meals I could control which didn't affect FI at all - breakfast, lunch, and some snacks, and I made those as healthy as I could. I swapped juice and pop out for water. Then, I made sure that I had healthy snacks at home equivalent to what FI was eating - if he grabbed a pudding, I grabbed a yogurt. If he had ice cream, I had frozen yogurt or a home-made popsicle. If he grabbed a handful of chips, I took some rice cakes. And we share a lot of popcorn. I just put my snacks right next to his so it was easy for him to get in the habbit of grabbing one of each instead of two of his.

Then, I tackled dinners, which was the hardest. At home, I focused on adding more veggies to my plate - we still ate all the foods he wanted, I just had smaller portions with large healthy side dishes, and my plate still looked full to him. We went out for supper less, but went to his favourite places more, and I planned workouts or low cal options through the rest of the day to compensate. Plus, we focused on eating together and not in front of the TV - I eat slower that way and can better assess when I am full, and the conversations were better for both of us.

He was more supportive when I talked about wanting to eat healthier than when I talked about losing weight, so I took that approach. And he likes how much happier I am with my body - the added confidence more than makes up for the change to him.

tehrin

Here's my suggestion!

When he tempts you with treats and things you "shouldn't" have, take them. But in low portions. Take a small slice of cake or one cookie. Take your time and enjoy it. Be aware of the calories that are in various foods that you eat and make better choices throughout the day, so when you're faced with something high-calorie, you can allow it in your diet. Also make sure you take a bit of time each day to go for a walk or a little jog. Invite your FI out with you and enjoy the time together.

I've lost 25lbs in the last 3 months simply by doing that. No going to a gym (but I plan on it over the winter), no starving myself. I've eaten cake, cookies, ice cream, hamburgers, fries, pizza, God only knows what other horrible things I've consumed. I just watch how much of it I'm eating.  My goal is another 25lbs by my wedding which puts me at 130lbs and hopefully a size 8. Totally do-able!

fortunes_fool_21

I was laid off for almost a year...then I moved in with my Fiance and started working again.

I feel your pain.  I have gained probably 35 lbs in the last year or so.  I couldnt believe how heavy I had gotten.  He never complained though and complimented me all the time.

I too would kill to be your size/ weight, but the point of the matter is its important to do what you think is best for you to be healthy.

Its tough when you live with someone, you start eating like them.  I cook lavish meals to treat him and surprise him, and gave my self leeway, when he wanted 2nds I in the back of my mind gave myself the ok to have 2nds too. (hes gained a bit himself)

What worked for me was explaining to him that I just in general didnt feel good.  Sluggish, sorta down and out, and not myself.  Tell him that you know that losing a little weight would be good for not only you health wise, but attitude wise as well.  LOL I even made it a sex drive thing letting him know that my weight didnt help me want to get down like I used to, whether it be a physical thing or a mental thing.

Just be light about the subject and let him know that your going to start dieting and working out more and that you hope he suports you with it cause its going to make you happy and in turn him happy.  Who knows, he might be like my man and see how happy you are and motivated you are, and want to join you!

Another suggestion, Dont get crazy about it, guys hate seeing women obssess about stuff.  So if he offers you some desert one day or a treat here and there, dont totally cut it out, youll both be a lot happier!

Good luck!

tychandler

Thanks everyone. It's good to know I'm not alone in this challenge. I feel more confident that I can achieve my weight and health goals without making my man miserable.  Today is day 2 of Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred.  My body is getting used to working out again. I think I'm going to sign up for a 5k to really challenge myself.  Maybe I can even get him to do it with me.   Just to keep myself going I think I'm going to register for races every couple of months over the next year. 

tychandler

So I spoke to my fiance today about my plan to run 5ks at least every other month leading to our wedding.  He is actually supportive.  We even talked about doing a triathalon, which is something he's wanted to do for some time.  I am not a strong swimmer, but now we have something to work on together.  Hopefully he will be equally excited when I pass on the junk food from time to time. 

LDYGTR13

You must have a killer shape to be 185 and a size 10! I'm 5'11 and when I'm 185 I'm still at the smallest a 12! Anyhoo - congrats on that lol. FI makes it hard for me to lose weight too. He always gives me grief when I want to work out (only place to do it at home is in the living room and keeping him from his precious flat screen is a crime) and if I leave he always makes an off the cuff (and totally joking) comment about me not spending time with him. Plus he refuses to eat veggies and I HATE making yummy food for him and then healthy and less tasty stuff for me. It's no fun. I'm trying to slide in more healthy options in the food he already likes and when he says it's good I tell him I used whole wheat noodles and turkey in his spaghetti or there wasn't any butter in his mashed potatoes or whatever. I just dont' let him cook anymore lol. I'm not saying it's working, but it's helping!

dianegeiger

my fiance likes to TRY to get me to eat junk food.  

I don't know if this will help you (it works for me, but might not work for everyone), but I NEVER tell him that I "can't eat" something.  Never.

"I can't" seems to give people an "in" to keep "working you" - trying to get you to change your mind.  "I won't" shuts people (and their coercion attempts) down!

So I take the track of "ew, I'm not eating that".  I've had to break my fiance (and others) of the belief that I really WANT to eat unhealthy crap (but am depriving myself).  Instead I go with the "ew, that's gross, I'm not putting that in my body" approach.  And even shame him a little for HIM wanting to eat it (if he's trying to pressure ME).

I know might not sound nice, at first, to suggest "shaming" others over the bad food that they're eating.  But I only advocate it when they are being rude and pressuring us to eat what THEY want us to eat (and when that something is something harmful to us) - to shut down their inappropriate PRESSURE.

As a side note: Overall, I think it's SO utterly rude how it's acceptable in our culture to pressure others to eat UNHEALTHY food.  it's mean - and very uncaring, really.  At a certain point, I began to get really defensive about that pressure.  Realizing that this is MY body, and it's my choice what I put in it  - and anyways, I'm being responsible for eating well.  Meanwhile, sugary, processed, fatty foods - I think it really IS gross and unhealthy to eat that crap - and it's bs (and kinda mean) to pressure loved ones to eat crappy food and pressure then to harm THEIR bodies (and not feel their best, on top of it).

To each their own.  But I think the "pressure" and coercion part is bs!  It's your body and your choice what you put in your mouth and ingest.

So anyway, my initial point was:   I find that people tend to back off a lot more easily when my stance is "Ew gross!".  And "I will NOT eat that".  Versus a stance of "I can't eat that".  

It's a subtle shift in wording - from "I can't" to "I won't".  But really significant, in my opinion.

tychandler

I will give that a shot, because saying "I can't" so far hasn't worked

Albireo

BMI is a crock and I think your doc is brainwashed by it. Keep in mind that when you're tall, you put on something like ten pounds for every inch of weight -- because that's the weight of the bone needed to support your height.

If all your old clothes are tiny, buy new clothes. Simple as that. Don't use fashion as a measurement of whether you're healthy.

lmflaugher

My FI and I have started gaining weight too.  He LOVES to cook and I love it when he does, but the meals are usually not healthy.  Too much meat and carbs, not enough veggies.  And truthfully, I've really noticed that I don't feel healthy or happy like I used to when running cross country for my college.  Working a lot and not eating very well has really impacted my body and health, but thankfully I've noticed it and started making changes towards a healthier life.  And Ty, that's what's really important. Also, your FI seems to be really supportive, which is wonderful.  You're making the effort to change and you know that you can do it!  Set realistic goals for yourself and reach them.  Good luck!!

WolfX

I agree with everyone I doubt you need to loose weight.
I am 5'8" and a size 16 and im just overweight.
But if you really want to maybe you should talk him and tell him its for your health, being overweight is not healthy no matter you height or jeans size.