Wedding Vows & Ceremony Discussions
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to write or not to write?

ok ladies at the risk of sounding like a total b*tch im going to ask anyway.... my FI suggested writing our own vows, which gives me ANXIETY!!. im super shy and wouldnt have a clue what to write. then he said i have to repeat the minister. which i responded with no i can just say i do after he says the vows. we are having a bit of an argument over this....am i just being unreasonalbe about not wanting to speak that much in front of ppl? even the thought of walking down the aisle and being in front off ppl like that makes me nervouse....HELP!!
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Re: to write or not to write?

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    edited December 2011
    You have a really long time before your wedding.  Maybe take some time to work this through with FI -- have a conversation and figure out if you can compromise.  If it means so much to him, consider doing things over the next 16 months to get more comfortable -- public speaking, crowds, etc.  Then you can make a decision a few months before the wedding which way you'll go.  We wrote our own vows and I just loved hearing DH say exactly what he meant, but it would also have been just as meaningful if he wrote it on a card and handed it to me.  Only you know how far out of your comfort zone this will make you and how that compares to the amount it means to your FI.
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    edited December 2011
    Would it help you if you could read notes off a cheat sheet?

    Alternatively, we liked the idea of our own vows, but are both shy, so the priest offered us this: We are both writing each other a love letter (similar layout to a vow) then he's going to read/incorporate them into his homily. Our words will be expressed but we dont have to worry about the nervousness of reading them ourselves. Then we are doing the 'traditional' repeat after him vows. I know it helps my anxiety not having to read the words aloud, but I know my FI will still hear my words!

    Good luck! :)
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    bstentbstent member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    We're doing something called a "love letter ceremony". We write each other a love letter the day of the wedding, and then during the ceremony we'll put it into a box with a bottle of wine (wine optional!) We'll lock the box and then we've chosen an anniversary where we will open the box, read the love letters, and drink the bottle of wine to celebrate. A friend of mine really wanted to write her own vows but her FI wasn't comfortable sharing that with all of their guests. When I told them my plan they loved it because it allowed her to hear how he is feeling while making sure he's comfortable. Something to think about! And you can always tweak it to fit your style (if you don't want to wait for an anniversary you could plan to have a quiet moment together after the ceremony to share your letters, for example).
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    mandi921vhmandi921vh member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I understand your anxiety over public speaking, and that your anxiety is raised now that your FI suggested writing your own vows. Here is an idea...

    What if you and your FI come up with a script of what you want said, maybe your own version of the traditional vows where all you would say is "I do" after each passage. That way you get to speak as little as possible, and your FI gets to have more personal vows. 

    Also you have plenty of time if you two decide to change your minds on any aspect of this. 
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    jenn&chadjenn&chad member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I was really hesitant at first too when my FI said he wanted us to write our own vows.  I really like the traditional vows, partly because so many people have said them before us.  We are doing both, writing our own and saying the traditional vows at the end of ours.  Is your nervousness something you think you can overcome?  When you think about it that's the point of having a wedding, telling each other how you feel in front of everyone.  Maybe you guys can do shorter vows to each other and then the "I do" after the traditional vows.  Personally repeating those words is important to me, I want to say them, so I understand where your FI is coming from. 
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    kdhmannkdhmann member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    @ bstent: that sounds really interesting. How does it work during the ceremony? Does that mean you don't have any vows at the actual ceremony, but instead the symbolic action of putting the letters and wine in the box? I love that idea...especially because my fiancé is really not keen on traditional wedding stuff. He truly tells me everyday how committed he is to me (I hope that doesn't make anyone barf), and I know he thinks it's kind of pointless (not to judge the rest of you -- I think vows are sweet if it's what you really want) to have to say that in front of others, so this might be a neat alternative.
    @ OP, I think the idea of passing your cards to each other and reading them silently is a great idea. Then, if your fiancé really wants guests to know what you wrote to each other, maybe you can have them printed and displayed in a creative way at the reception. Also keep in mind, however, that your guests are there to support you and celebrate your love. I totally understand shyness, but try to remember that they love you and you can stutter or f*ck up or whatever, and they'll still love you.
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