Texas-Dallas and Ft. Worth

Forgive my rant but I need opinions...

I can't tell you how many boards I have looked at to try and get advice from those, but my FMIL is driving me up a wall and around the corner! Before FI and I got engaged everything was fine...yes every time we came in town they would harp on us for not being engaged yet. In fact they did it so much that when he proposed he didn't even tell his parents he was going to do it because of that. The day after she started calling me almost daily and making all these plans for the wedding and 100% overwhelmed me. At this point I'm about to EXPLODED!!!
Reason #1: FI and I set the guest list at a max of 200 ppl in the beginning and we have had to up that to 300. From day 1 I straight up told my FMIL that I don't want to be meeting anybody new at my wedding unless it was family. That went right over her head! I've already had to give up my dream venue for a bigger one to accommodate 300 ppl. Not to mention she want to do a round 2 for invites after so many decline.
Reason #2: FILs have said they will help pay for some of the wedding esp because of the increase in the guest list but they haven't given me a number, they have just said they'll help. I had left the up to FI to figure out but he hasn't done anything so I'm freaking out about having to sit down and talk to her about money, but as of now we can't afford an extra 100 people and everything else she is telling me we "have to have" at our wedding. How did ya'll handle this?
Reason #3: FI HATES and I mean hates cake. In TK mag I saw that they had something about Marble Slab caters and we both thought that it would be perfect because he loves ice cream with mix ins. FMIL hates it. She hates it so much that she has gone to the point of saying "we're not going to have that at the wedding, it's tacky but I suppose if its that important you can have that at the rehearsal dinner and that it". She seriously tried to put her foot down on that subject!  
Reason#4: Our styles on everything (food,decorating,ideas on everything) are different as far as the wedding goes and I can tell when she starts getting huffy puffy when I say something to that I can tell she doesn't want or when I start to say no to an idea.

I hope this all makes sense. I'm sorry for ranting and I'm sorry this is so long but it's honestly  only the start of everything and if you can't tell i'm stressing out. I've tried so hard to keep it in because I know it would really hurt FI if I told him that his mom is really pissing me off and i'm on the brink of yelling at his mom (and so is my mom). How do I deal with all of this in the correct manor without telling her to back the heck off and let me plan my wedding the way I want it? Am I being selfish?  Thanks

Re: Forgive my rant but I need opinions...

  • MissAngelMissAngel member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_forgive-rant-but-need-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:102Discussion:46a93efe-3fe6-44c6-b272-5325e1cfcc83Post:0894c487-f71c-4db8-aa31-8b81da4baf99">Forgive my rant but I need opinions...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I've tried so hard to keep it in because I know it would really hurt FI if I told him that his mom is really pissing me off and i'm on the brink of yelling at his mom (and so is my mom). How do I deal with all of this in the correct manor without telling her to back the heck off and let me plan my wedding the way I want it?
    Posted by holi108[/QUOTE]

    As being one with a crazy FMIL, I would say that you need to talk to your FI about this.  He needs to stand up to his mom and fight for you!  Maybe you don't have to tell him she is "pissing you off", but go to him and tell him your concerns in an adult manner.  This wedding is for the 2 of you and he should stand up for you.
  • edited December 2011
    I'm sorry you're so stressed out. Take a few deep breaths. 

    First of all, you should be able to talk to your FI about this, whether you think you're going to hurt his feelings or not. If you are going to marry this man, you need to be able to have an open line of communication and be able to address your problems with him.

    It's his mother. He needs to address the problem with her. I had similar problems, and let me tell you that it's not going to be easy. Putting a man in the middle of his mother and his future wife is a very hard spot for him to be in. You may get some backlash from him. 

    My suggestion is that you talk to him first, if he's willing to tell her to back off-awesome! Problem solved!

    If he isn't, then you need to talk to her yourself. Unfortunately, I know you don't want to nicely tell her to "back off", but it's either that, or you do things her way. There are no other options. She is going to be your family-for the rest of your life. You need to be able to stand up to her. If you don't, you're going to get walked all over and you're going to end up with the wedding of her dreams. 
  • fallbride1109fallbride1109 member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    First of all, take a deep breath.  If you are already this stressed and upset at over a year out, you'll never make it.

    Second, your venues are beautiful.  We've all been there as far as increasing the number goes so we can understand.  That being said, you need to have the budget talk ASAP.  If they have said they will contribute, then you need to get that squared away.  Your FI needs to have this talk.  He needs to say, "we have $X for our wedding which will accommodate X# of guests.  We appreciate your offer to help us financially.  You are not obligated in any way to help us, however, please know that if you cannot contribute $X, we will have to cut the guest list by X#."

    This is you and your FI's wedding.  Not your  FMILs, not your mother's.  If you want ice cream cake at your wedding, then have it.  But if you are not firm (politely of course), then she will continue to monopolize and intimidate you.  Pick your battles of course, but on the things that really matter to you, you will have to speak up.  Otherwise, it will end up being your FMIL's vision, not yours.
  • edited December 2011
    I think thats the worst part of all of this is that I'm more than a year out and all ready having this many problems. I keep being told the budget and guest list are the hardest part of all of this so I'm just waiting to get through with that part. But seriously ya'll have no idea how good it feels to finally get this all off my chest and out there! Thank you!
  • edited December 2011
    I am sorry this is happening to you. Weddings are suppossed to be happy times but often it isn't that way.

    I agree with a lot of what has been said. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. This is you and your FH day, not anyone elses and you have to remember that. I would recommend to have FH talk to her first and let her know what you both want. If that can't happen you will have to talk to her firmly but politely. Let her know this is what we want, we would love you to help us but your help doesn't mean that things are all your way. To me another big issue is the guest list. Figure out how much extra those 100 guests costs and let her know. It is costing us $XXX extra for these guests and we can't afford it, so if you would like them to come we would need you to pay for them. This is just my personal feeling on the matter and what I would do :)
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  • juliebug1997juliebug1997 member
    5000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    When she starts going on and on about not having the ice cream, have you or your FI told her that he hates cake?  Can you not do a cake and then have the ice cream?

    My MIL didn't interfere in this way (in other ways, yes).  Have your FI talk to her but, if you are with her by yourself and you feel yourself ready to explode, take a deep breath or two and say:  I understand what you are saying but this is our wedding and we're doing things that your son and I want to do at our wedding.  I appreciate all your advice and I thank you for all your help.  I'll talk to your son again and see if this is something he wants to change.

    BTW, and please don't think me rude, but where does your mother stand in all this?  Are they good enough friends that she could slyly say something to your FMIL about how the wedding is coming together beautifully? 

    Also, I used to go to St. Patrick's a million years ago.  Such fond memories of that church.
  • edited December 2011
    I agree with all of the advice given already...and let me first say that I am SO SORRY your having to deal with this.

    If I were you, I would sit down with your FI and decide what you (as a couple) want for your wedding.  Have you FI get his Mother in check.  If she is not contributing heavily to this wedding then she is WAY out of line.   

    Then maybe have a meeting or dinner with both your Mother and FMIL together (or separately, if you prefer) and make it clear what YOU want as a couple...what the budget is... who is contributing what and by how much,etc. 

    You have tons of time...it is important now to straighted this mess out and get everyone on the same page.
  • edited December 2011
    replied back!
  • edited December 2011
    I know it's hard to deal with someone when they get all huffy and puffy (I'm not really a pleaser, but will do anything for world peace purposes), but it's been my experience that the people who pull this off are the ones that know that doing this will get them exactly what they want, when they want it. They don't usually care all that much about whatever they huff and puff about - they don't mind acting bothered to make someone else cave in.
    Don't cave in every time she acts like that! (easier said than done, but it's well worth it). If anything, she'll probably be really caught off guard when she realizes that you don't care about her huffing and puffing (or seem not to care).
    Pick your battles, if you don't like something say, "nope, don't like that" and let her huff and puff all she wants. Just keep smiling and move on to the next thing.
    And make sure you voice your opinions on how much you dislike or don't want something, she might be completely oblivious that her ideas aren't so brilliant that you don't want them too.
    I'm constantly having to justify to my mother why I don't want or like something bc of A, B, and C.

    about the cake & ice cream: have both!

    And most importantly: talk to your fiance!!!
  • edited December 2011
    I went through some similar stress, and you're not being selfish.

    I'm a people-pleaser so I struggled when people were unhappy with our wedding. But, it came down to finances and what was important to us. Since FI and I were paying, we took the money we had in hand and decided what we could afford based on that. Including how many guests to invite. And, we knew we wanted a small wedding. We compromised a little, invited more than we'd planned (and the max that we could possibly afford) for our family's sakes. Some people aren't happy with our decisions, but we just have to ignore it. We are happy with our decisions, and I think that's the main thing.

    Feel free to PM me if you want any advice.
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