In Law Wedding Contribution???

Hester930

I'm curious as to whether most people went by tradition where the groom's family took care of the rehearsal dinner and honeymoon and the rest was for the bride's family...
Or if there's anyone who has had contribution on both ends, how was it brought up with the in laws?
I'd like to get a budget together, and I don't know how to directly ask the FIL what they will contribute to.
My FMIL asked me the other day if this was going to be a big wedding...since I'd asked her to put together a list for their side...
We do have nearly 250 on our list right now, but we haven't taken much effort to cut down.  The thing is, the people we have listed are near and dear to us...so it will be difficult to cut down.
I don't know how to bring it up to them without sounding like we're expecting anything in particular...and I don't want to be judged on the ceremony ideas we have. 
Any suggestions?

Mariah09202008

....You don't bring it up.  They bring it up to you.  Plan your wedding budget on what you yourself can afford.  And later if your IL's come up to you and say, "hey, we'll pay for x,y,z"  then you'll be in good shape.

Hester930

There's an article here on theknot.com where it suggests to sit down with the parents and FIL...that's where I got the notion...and didn't know how to approach it.

serlace

Hmm.. We are getting a little bit of help from both sides.  His mom paid for my dress, his dad (they're divorced) is paying for all things paper.  My mom gave us money and my stepmom is making our cake.  How to ask, though?  We didn't ask.  They all offered.  So, I can't really help.  I think if you want to ask for help, though each of you should ask your respective parents.  Possibly alone?  I don't know - it might seem weird for you and your FI to ask his parents for help with the wedding costs if you aren't that close to them. Did I help any? 

mseale

Agreed with Mariah.  Never ask them to pay for anything.  IF they offer, decide if you want to accept it.  The more money you accept the more say they get.

Mariah09202008

The Knot is not always right.  Sure it's "traditional" that IL's put money towards the wedding but you shouldn't go by what's "traditional" anymore.  More and more couples today are saving and paying for their weddings themselves.  I never set my IL's down and asked them what they were going to pay for.  I didn't assume they'd pay for anything, either.  Since my parents were paying for our wedding, I planned the budget around them and also knew that there were things that my husband and I would want that we wouldn't dare ask my parents to help pay for.  My IL's came up to us and sat us down and talked to us about what they'd like to contribute to-not the other way around.

Mariah09202008

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_law-wedding-contribution?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:102Discussion:6b8ca2ca-73d2-48fd-ad80-636955f1cf10Post:e720f16d-34c5-4525-855d-011f8ce80b0c">Re: In Law Wedding Contribution???</a>:
[QUOTE]The more money you accept the more say they get.
Posted by mseale[/QUOTE]This is SO true. So, so true.  That's always tricky. 

"Sure, I'd LOVE for you to pay for our rehearsal dinner!  What?  Oh, you want a nice, sit down, steaks and fish meal?  Oh...I was kind of hoping for more laid back and make your own fajitas..."  Seriously.

bsn1752

I didn't ask for anything... I always thought it was in bad taste to assume that anyone would help.  Our whole wedding is being planned on what we can afford... and when my family or his family offers help, then we gladly accept and put our money back into savings.  My advice is, don't ask... you'd hate to ruffle feathers right now.

Mariah09202008

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_law-wedding-contribution?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:102Discussion:6b8ca2ca-73d2-48fd-ad80-636955f1cf10Post:7a927372-5d16-4c5e-bb78-a63d69fc7478">Re: In Law Wedding Contribution???</a>:
[QUOTE] My advice is, don't ask... you'd hate to ruffle feathers right now.
Posted by bsn1752[/QUOTE]Because there will be PLENTY of time to ruffle feathers the further into the wedding planning and closer to the wedding that you get.  I speak from experience on that one. 

bsn1752

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_law-wedding-contribution?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:102Discussion:6b8ca2ca-73d2-48fd-ad80-636955f1cf10Post:f7e2d35c-b67c-4292-bf5c-9e50cd2c54c2">Re: In Law Wedding Contribution???</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: In Law Wedding Contribution??? : Because there will be PLENTY of time to ruffle feathers the further into the wedding planning and closer to the wedding that you get.  I speak from experience on that one. 
Posted by Mariah09202008[/QUOTE]

Ha, SO true.  I'm only 2 months into planning and I've had enough of the drama to last a lifetime!  :)

Hester930

Well, alrighty then...lol...makes complete sense.
Thank you for the feedback.  That's a relief...I can go ahead and start then.  Thank you.

fallbride1109

I just wanted to add that trimming your list is the best way to trim the budget as venue and food/alcohol will be your biggest costs.  I know it's hard though!  Other Knotties that are having big weddings (Marissa and denisecarmona come to mind) can help with ideas and vendors.

You've been given good advice already on the other issue.  Base your budget solely on what you and your FI (and your parents if they've offered) can afford.

llc2011

Just wanted to throw in my two cents.

We didn't ask FI parents for a contribution (and honestly I wasn't expecting anything because of their financial situation), but they did ask what they could help out with. 

Since my parents, myself and my FI are paying for everything, we just told them that anything they wanted to give would be greatly appreciated.  We took them to Blue Mesa (where we booked our RD), so they could check it out, and see what their financial help would be going to.

Jay+Marissa

DF's parents are paying for about half--but only because they decided from the beginning they wanted to. They are also sending us on a honeymoon as a wedding gift (I have amazing in-laws)

With the guest list...don't expect that many will come, especially if your wedding is at a popular time. I was freaking out when we invited 310 (our hall holds 280 bursting). The final number attending? 170

Granted, I know two other people getting married the same day, so that played a part. But family who swore they would come ended up backing out due to surgeries, money problems, new babies, etc.

We're saving the most money by going with a place that allowed us to bring in a caterer and alcohol. I expect ALL of our food, cake, and bar costs to be under $5k for 170 people. The bar alone is under $1000 for wine, beer, and a few mixed drinks.

Hester930

That's great information!!!
See, his parents are financially great...MY parents are actually going through really troubled times right now, but my mom is determined for me to have the wedding that I want...and of course, the FI and I will contribute.
I figure that not all 250+ will show...I was thinking maybe 70%...would actually be in attendance, and I may be waaay off on that guess...
IDK.  I want a starting point.  Now I feel stressed a bit. 

Mariah09202008

....I HIGHLY suggest that you should expect everyone you're inviting to attend.  If you invite too many people because you're expecting some "no's" from people, you may be in for a rude awakening.  I invited too many people and we were over our "100" guest limit by about 10 people because there were people I thought would say "no" but ended up saying "yes".  Just saying.

Hester930

Good point...I didn't mean that I was going to invite the 250 and only expect and plan for 70%...it would happen like that...I already know.  That would be awful.
*sigh* I'll figure it out this weekend, I guess...or try to!

fallbride1109

My advice?  If you invite 250, plan on 250.  Otherwise, it's too stressful.  I was sweating every RSVP.  Make your list first and then only take off those that you 100% know won't attend (elderly, out of the country, etc.).  Then take that # and go with it.

amberpro

[QUOTE]....I HIGHLY suggest that you should expect everyone you're inviting to attend.  If you invite too many people because you're expecting some "no's" from people, you may be in for a rude awakening.  I invited too many people and we were over our "100" guest limit by about 10 people because there were people I thought would say "no" but ended up saying "yes".  Just saying.
Posted by Mariah09202008[/QUOTE]

<div>YES!  We over invited based on numbers from my 2 siblings weddings.  We're OK, just more than expected.  We invited 280 and have 180 attending.  We were only expecting 150 (and planned as such with vendors).  Now we're having to call and change the cake and pay more for the food, etc.  </div><div>
</div><div>On the money front, we didn't ask.  My mom offered to pay for the wedding and FMIL offered to pay for the rehearsal.  We were planning on paying ourselves until the offers came.  We paid for the honeymoon ourselves.  GL!</div>

mseale

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_law-wedding-contribution?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:102Discussion:6b8ca2ca-73d2-48fd-ad80-636955f1cf10Post:f6d5aecd-8fd0-4b07-b9b8-b34416828695">Re: In Law Wedding Contribution???</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: In Law Wedding Contribution??? : This is SO true. So, so true.  That's always tricky.  "Sure, I'd LOVE for you to pay for our rehearsal dinner!  What?  Oh, you want a nice, sit down, steaks and fish meal?  Oh...I was kind of hoping for more laid back and make your own fajitas..."  Seriously.
Posted by Mariah09202008[/QUOTE]

<div>Wow... it's like you know EXACTLY what happened to me... :)</div>

bridgetlb

my future in-laws offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner and sort of suggested a budget to me (since i was planning), but i came in WAY under that number by at least half. they are also giving us money for the champagne toast at the reception.
my mom is not paying for anything because she has NO money right now and this is my second wedding (she paid 100% for the first one). She is having her second back surgery next week and can't work. she feels really bad because she wanted to aleast do something, but i told her in the beginning i didn't want her to cause she already paid for the first one.
i say all this because his parents are acting a little funny right now. besides the whole blow up i  just had with his mom, she keeps asking why we are having "such a big wedding". OMG... we are having a small 55 people wedding, simple but traditonal catholic church wedding. we aren't even having a limo, etc. and I am paying for the whole thing so it is none of her business. my FI thinks they might be pissy cause they know my mom isn't paying for anything and because for some reason they think we are spending alot.... which we 100% arent', but we could afford it if we did. we just choose not to. yesterday he confronted his mom and said, look, if you don't want to pay for the rehearsal dinner, we have no problem paying for it ourselves.... they said they would and didn't have a problem....we will see!!!
so, to make along story short - wedding are full of drama no matter what happens!!!

tc1016

I'm with mseale and mariah - the more money you accept, the more say those people have. FI's family offered to pay for the RD, and every now and then offers to pay for or chip in towards specific expenses (Save-the-Dates, my dress, OOT bags). Both of my parents offered or implied that they would help, but I had to ask specifically how much they'd contribute in order to get a budget together. I would not have asked about the amount if they had not offered to help first.

lesalyric

For my FI's family, ours will be the first ceremony with reception and rehersal dinner, bridal party etc. wedding they have ever had. His parents were married by the JP and most in their family only did cake and punch at the church after the ceremony with no big fanfare, so we are having an expensive wedding in their eyes. My family is the exact opposite and everyone has full weddings/receptions so we are having what is considered an inexpensive wedding on that side.

That being said, we expected FI's family not to pay for anything, but they have offered to cover the RD and a few specfic things related to groom's costs like tuxes and transportation. I think his mom must have googled groom's parents responsibilities or something...haha. My family is paying for a few specific things as well like cake, favors and flowers while FI and I are covering the rest.

Like PP, I would definetly wait for your FI's parents to offer financial help rather than asking for it. You might be surprised at what they offer...I was.

danac2010

My mom actually suggested that I ask my grandmother, after my mom already planted the seed, if I could get part of my inheritance early.  My parents are divorced and both sides offered to help but I refused to let me mom and step dad pay for anything but the STDs b/c my step dad is battling cancer and they are having a hard time with the bills as it is.  My dad and step mom offered but never gave an amount so finally 2 months into planning I had to sit them down and tell them I needed a figure so I would know how to budget.  FI parents have both died so we are covering what they would have "traditionally" paid for but the bulk of our money came from my inheritance from my grandmother.  My dad still has yet to give me money but called me this week and said that he would pay the rest that I owe on caterering, flowers, and cakes plus get our hotel for our mini stay-cation we are having here after the wedding.  That puts as a lot more at easy because I had to have surgery last month and had to use some of our wedding account to pay for it so we didn't have to rack up interest on credit cards.  We are slowly paying the wedding account back.  The guest list and who is paying for what is by far the most dramatic and sticky situations we have had with the planning part!

Hester930

Thank you for the shared experience with this.  I'm a year + away...and some days it's looking like I may not be "planning" a "wedding" after all...like we may end up at a destination ceremony with just us.  I don't know. We'll see.  I really appreciate the feedback.  So helpful!!!