Invited to RD, but not the WEDDING!

ocgirl310

My fmil is insisting that she is going to be inviting friends to the rehearsal dinner that she is not inviting to the wedding. I told her that it isn't right, but she wouldn't listen and told me that her friend planned a rehearsal dinner and that it is fine to invite people to the rd that you can't afford to invite to the wedding. I am so embarrassed thinking that some people may be offended by the invite to the rd and not to the wedding and it may cause some confusion and they may end up showing up at the wedding. What should I do? I have been looking online for articles that explicitly say that it is bad taste and bad etiquette to do so, so I can send her the link. Any thoughts? Am I crazy, is it ok?

kblynne

Wow! This doesn't explicitly say that, but just says it should be an intimate affair and who you SHOULD invite: http://weddings.emilypost.com/etiquette/postings/rehearsal_dinner.htm

amdjelly

It took me a while but I finally found a link for you.  Under the guest list heading is this quote: " Under no circumstances should anyone be invited to the rehearsal dinner who is not invited to the wedding itself; this is not an opportunity to include guests who did not make the wedding guest list."  That should be explicit enough!  If she still insists, I would decline her offer to host the RD, and take it upon yourself if at all possible.  Here is the link: http://weddings.lovetoknow.com/wiki/Rehearsal_Dinner_Etiquette

HTH!

banana468

And if she still insists you and your FI have two options:

1) Decline the offer of the RD because it puts you in such an awkward place.

OR

2) Fake being very surprised when you see those people at the RD.

[Deleted User]

That is wrong. I agree with banana. But I don't think I could do the latter, but maybe that is just me. If they are close enough to you to be invited to the RD, why aren't they invited to the real deal, the wedding? Doesn't make any sense to me.

Whippet8

Personally, I would decline the offer to host the RD, and throw the RD myself.

ocgirl310

Thanks ladies. I'm glad I asked, I was thinking about hosting it myself but of course that would be the last resort since I don't want to insult her by doing so. Thanks for the articles! I will use those next and then go from there:)  
Missysue- Just to clarify the people she wants to invite to the RD and not the wedding are people that neither FI nor I are close to at all and that is why they aren't on the guestlist for the wedding (ie. FMIL's mom's neighbors, FMIL nephew's 18 yr old gf, FMIL friends' adult children she doesnt know etc.) She doesn't want to pay the $$ for them to be at the wedding, but wants to include them somehow...I'm confused too..cuz its gonna look worse than not being invited to anything at all.

ocgirl310

Amdjelly- thank you so much, that is exactly the kind of thing I need:) thanks for your help.

amdjelly

No problem.  Hopefully she'll see why it's a bad idea!

nomidale

We are struggled a little because we both have very large extended families. There are over 100 Cayers (my FI last name)! Anyway, we wanted to "include" everyone though we couldn't afford to have everyone at the wedding. We are throughing a picinc a few weeks later and inviting everyone. Maybe that's an option? A smaller celebration after the wedding?

benmel31

The other thing to keep in mind is that the RD should be your immediate family and your out of town guests.  If your FMIL is inviting friends that are not coming to the wedding, it sounds as though they would not fall under either category.