My shower issue

LisaTyler1984

My mom threw my fiance and I an engagement party a few months ago. At the party a friend of my FMIL mentioned that she wanted to throw me a shower. I thought this was so nice- especially since this is the first time I had even met her. The problem is, my mom is throwing my shower. I'm an only child and my mom has been looking forward to planning this forever. She already started her planning and my shower won't be for another year and a half. I know a lot of people have multiple showers, in different cities. My fiance is from another state so I thought this would be perfect. My family and friends would go to my mom's shower and his family would go to the other. The only prob is, I found out that this lady lives pretty close to me and my family. I can't split up my family and friends to go to each shower- that would be weird. Also, I want my mom's shower to be the main shower. She knows my style and taste and I know it will be everything I want and very special and I don't want to take away some of the guestlist because I know my mom is prob throwing a pretty pricey shower. 

Should I suggest this other lady throw a bridal luncheon or should I encourage my mom to call her and have her help with the planning of her shower (I mentioned this to my mom and she didn't seem too happy about that). Right now, I'm not tooo worried because it's so far away but I don't want to dis this lady who offered something so nice.

duckie1905

I thought your FMIL offered to throw you a shower.  Who is this lady?

In any event, you can have more than one shower and IMO, you are seriously overthinking this.  Your mother's shower won't be any less special for you or for her because of another shower.  Also, there is not such thing as a "main" shower and a "secondary" shower.  They are showers and that is it.

When it comes time for the guestlist, the only people I would invite to both would be the mothers and maybe the BMs (and probably not even them).  If this is a shower for your FMIL's side, then that who would be invited.  

After your FMIL generously offered to throw you a shower it would be inappropriate to ask her to work with your mom on her shower.  If that is what you want to do just decline the shower offer altogether and invite her to your mom's.

ninjette04

I agree with pp... it's ok to have multiple showers.  Also, just a thought, I know that you are your mother's only daughter (as am I)  BUT... it's also considered bad etiquette for your mom to throw you a shower (just something to think about).  She can plan it, but I would have a close female relative "say" that they are hosting it.

LisaTyler1984

It's not the FMIL, it's a friend of the FMIL. 

I live in NY, this friend of the FMIL lives in NJ

The FMIL lives in Atlanta

There is no one but my family that lives in the NJ area and they will all be coming to my mom's shower. There is absolutely no one that would be invited to the NJ shower on my fiance's side. I think she wants all my family to come to her shower and I can't invite them to both- that's rude

LisaTyler1984

Also, showers where I come cost close to 5k, I think it's standard for mothers to host here because who else will shell out that kind of money, but a mother? 

banana468

That's a VERY expensive shower!

I'd just give that woman your mom's #.  Tell her, "I think people are throwing one but I'll give you my mom's # so you can have the details."

duckie1905

Just decline, simple as that.

I still don't understand why your FMIL is handing your shower over to some other person, though.  I would've thought it would be where his family was, but whatever.  Just say thanks, but no thanks and invite your FMIL to the shower your mom is throwing.

And $5,000...holy overkill batman. 

SteveandKris

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_shower-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:4545465a-c380-4320-a89a-90dac14aacb3Post:a2461313-1455-47e7-bbf1-947dd9fda4d7">Re: My shower issue</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, showers where I come cost close to 5k, I think it's standard for mothers to host here because who else will shell out that kind of money, but a mother? 
Posted by LisaTyler1984[/QUOTE]

I've been reading your posts for several days now.  (And I haven't posted because I couldn't think of a single "nice" thing to say)  I grew up on Long Island... "where you come from" and "where the rest of us" come from seem to be two different places.  Showers do not cost 5K.  Yes, weddings on Long Island are expensive, but that doesn't mean that those attending need to <em>cover their plate</em>, or that all wedding related events are equally as expensive (or that <strong>EVERYONE DESERVES A SHOWER</strong>).  I hate to think what you think you "deserve" for your b-party.

SarahPLiz

I think you should decline the offer from FMIL's friend. There is no need for 2 showers in teh same area, and to accept it would seem a bit gift grabby to me.

Also, I know it was bad etiquette for a mother to throw a shower back in teh day when people got married right out of their parents' homes. It was like the mother was asking for gifts for her child because she couldn't or wouldn't provide them. In current times, mothers throw showers often, and women are often getting married at a time in their lives when they are no longer relying on their parents for anything. It is not as big a faux pas as it used to be, but it is true that anyone can throw a shower. You do not have to accept all offers for a shower, though.

 
I am 31, and haven't lived at home since I was 18. I don't think anyone in my circle would say anything if my mom wanted to host my shower.

trix1223

5K for a shower?  That's so completely ridiculous.  Lisa, get over yourself, and get over your ridiculous notions about what is proper and what is not.

I have never, ever, ever been to a shower that cost 5K.  Nor would I accept a shower offer if I even dreamed it would cost someone 5K.

I'm dying to know:  what exactly IS included in a $5,000 shower?  And how is it better than my DD's shower that was personal, moving, and cost less than $250.

duckie1905

OHHHHH you're the one that thinks your guests should base their gifts on how much YOU are paying for your wedding.

Ahhhhh, now your $5000 shower makes sense.

duckie1905

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_shower-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:4545465a-c380-4320-a89a-90dac14aacb3Post:e790b783-6da4-4bb4-8fdd-0aa7bfbe282b">My shower issue</a>:
[QUOTE]My mom threw my fiance and I an engagement party a few months ago. At the party a friend of my FMIL mentioned that she wanted to throw me a shower. I thought this was so nice- especially since this is the first time I had even met her. The problem is, my mom is throwing my shower. I'm an only child and my mom has been looking forward to planning this forever. She already started her planning and my shower won't be for another year and a half. I know a lot of people have multiple showers, in different cities. My fiance is from another state so I thought this would be perfect. My family and friends would go to my mom's shower and his family would go to the other. The only prob is, I found out that this lady lives pretty close to me and my family. I can't split up my family and friends to go to each shower- that would be weird. Also, I want my mom's shower to be the main shower. She knows my style and taste and I know it will be everything I want and very special and I don't want to take away some of the guestlist because I know my mom is prob throwing a pretty pricey shower.  Should I suggest this other lady throw a bridal luncheon or should I encourage my mom to call her and have her help with the planning of her shower (I mentioned this to my mom and she didn't seem too happy about that). Right now, I'm not tooo worried because it's so far away but I don't want to dis this lady who offered something so nice.
Posted by LisaTyler1984[/QUOTE]

MOBinFL2008

I used to live in NJ and still have many friends and family members there.  I don't know of one single bridal shower that ever cost $5,000 and I've been and given many.

AmoroAgain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_shower-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:4545465a-c380-4320-a89a-90dac14aacb3Post:34d10ca7-5374-46a9-b494-de6c99392926">Re: My shower issue</a>:
[QUOTE]OHHHHH you're the one that thinks your guests should base their gifts on how much YOU are paying for your wedding. Ahhhhh, now your $5000 shower makes sense.
Posted by duckie1905[/QUOTE]

She makes me think of MrsE in disguise.  I really think someone's making shits up around here (OP) and, unless you're a platinum bride, I don't see this happening.

dancr214

I would just decline the shower from your FMIL friend, like PP said their is no need to have 2 showers in one area.

Good grief, yes $5,000 is a ridiculous amount of money for a shower, but are ANY of you shelling out the money for it? NO.  If her mother wants to spend $5,000 on a freakin shower for her daughter she can.  I don't understand why everyone is just harassing her about it. 

SteveandKris

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_shower-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:4545465a-c380-4320-a89a-90dac14aacb3Post:a279ab78-b509-4cbf-a390-5af89e09fda9">Re: My shower issue</a>:
[QUOTE]I would just decline the shower from your FMIL friend, like PP said their is no need to have 2 showers in one area. Good grief, yes $5,000 is a ridiculous amount of money for a shower, but are ANY of you shelling out the money for it? NO.  If her mother wants to spend $5,000 on a freakin shower for her daughter she can.  I don't understand why everyone is just harassing her about it. 
Posted by dancr214[/QUOTE]

We're "harassing" her because OP believes she is entitled to a $5000 shower. 

jinxed8605

I'm going to keep my rude comments to myself and simply say decline the other shower or suggest she contact your mom and help plan that shower instead.

ammoore13

this is ridiculous. this website is supposed to be for people to get advice and ideas... y are there so many people on here who just want to be rude? Yall need to find something better to do with ur time than being rude to other brides online.

banana468

ammoore, no one is being rude to the OP.

GIving advice that you don't like doesn't make it rude.  It makes it advice and not validation.