• Images
  • Text
  • Find a Couple + Registry
GO
Pre-wedding Parties

Do I get a say in what we do?

My MOH (My sister) is planning a Dual Bridal Shower/ Bachelorette party. I made it clear to my mom that I really want to go out to a local bar. Nothing too fancy- for the Bachelorette Part of the evening. My sister is planning to do the party at the house. My mom is telling me that my sister is hosting so I don't get a say.

I’m extremely disappointed. Am I allowed to be upset? Do I even get a say?

Wedding Countdown Ticker
«1

Re: Do I get a say in what we do?

  • edited December 2011
    I think you have a right to be disappointed.  I think your sister should have tried harder to do something that you wanted to do.

    I don't think you have the right to complain about it though.
    image
    Kate ~ Mommy to Matthew 3/29/07 & Kylie 12/30/08 & Chase 3/31/11
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_say?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:45a11a1e-1a4d-4488-ba38-2e845ca7d256Post:4df7e8ba-3bff-4938-be2e-300da0c319a6">Do I get a say in what we do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]My MOH (My sister) is planning a Dual Bridal Shower/ Bachelorette party. I made it clear to my mom that I really want to go out to a local bar. Nothing too fancy- for the Bachelorette Part of the evening. My sister is planning to do the party at the house. My mom is telling me that my sister is hosting so I don't get a say. I’m extremely disappointed. Am I allowed to be upset? Do I even get a say?
    Posted by Kimi9385[/QUOTE]
    image
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • Melgor78Melgor78 member
    Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I think you should talk with your moh and let her know your feelings. Yes she is nice enough to plan the party but that deosn't mean that your opinions shouldn't be heard. 
    After all this party is for you and if your don't enjoy it what's the point.  I told my moh what I wanted to  do.  If  my moh had her way we'd all sit round watching adult movies and have stripper's.  Luckily my other bm are helping so they won't let that happen.
    <a href="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Trying to Conceive"><img src="http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt11be6d.aspx" alt=" BabyFruit Ticker" border="0" /></a>

    <a href="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Getting Pregnant"><img src="http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt139e12.aspx" alt=" Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker" border="0" /></a>

    [IMG]http://i50.tinypic.com/4fxw9k.jpg[/IMG]
  • edited December 2011
    I think it is really nice of your MOH to plan the parties for you.  However, I do think that because they are hosted in your honor you should get a say if there is something specific that you want!  

    My BM have been very good to me as far as planning and wanting things to be nice and maybe a little bit of a surprise, but they have really taken my opinions and what I wanted into consideration while planning.  That doesn't mean that I get everything I wanted, but they did try to accommodate and add a little of their own flair and opinion along the way.  

    Does your MOH know what you wanted for a B-party?  Maybe if you just tell her what you had in mind she could find a way to work it in to the party she is planning?
    GL!!
    [IMG]http://i55.tinypic.com/eq6ma9.jpg[/IMG]

    <a href="http://pinterest.com/ashap/"><img src="http://d3io1k5o0zdpqr.cloudfront.net/images/follow-on-pinterest-button.png" width="156" height="26" alt="Follow Me on Pinterest" /></a>

    <a href="http://tinyurl.com/726lg8o" target=_new" >Finding Love in a Size 8 Shoe - A blog</a>
  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    YOu can go out with friends to a bar any time you want.  IMO, if someone is nice enough to host a party for you, a completely optional party, then you thank them and enjoy it.

    Take your friends out for a bar crawl another night.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • edited December 2011
    i think you can have somewhat of a say. for example, one of my maids of honor wants to do a girls weekend in vegas, and i told her not even over my dead body will i be caught walking along vegas streets. and the other maid of honor wants to do a joint bach party with the guys and go to a popular bar on south beach and i voted yes for that one :)

    if its something that you realllllly dont want to do ( i.e. for me = vegas) then you can say something. but if its a party at home then i dont think that you should say anything..you can always go bar hopping the day after lol :)
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    If you don't like the kind of party your sister is planning, just tell her you don't want a party. Otherwise, as the hostess, she is in charge. Maybe she is planning the party on a tight budget. You should be thankful for whatever she does for you.
                       
  • edited December 2011
    I only express an opinion about b-party and bridal shower when directly asked by the hostess (my MOH). She asked what I really didn't want at my b-party (strippers...No thank you) and my bridal shower (no stupid games). But aside from that I told her I was just excited that she's putting together these events for me and to do whatever she wanted.

    Be grateful you are getting a b-party. If you are disappointed...keep it to yourself. You only know she's planning a house party but do you know other details? You may end up really enjoying yourself. Go into it with a positive attitude and enjoy an night with your girls.
  • edited December 2011
    OMG I don't even post on these things anymore and it makes me so mad to read some of these people's responces. Most of these people on these chats are so weird. You do not sound "bratty" your asking a freaking questions.

    I wouldn't say you should complain about the situation to your MOH since she is trying to do something else, but I don't think there is anything wrong if you tell her you also wanted to go to a bar or what you had in mind. It's a party for you and i'm sure if she knew that she would want to do it to make you happy. You are the guest of the hour.
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_say?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:45a11a1e-1a4d-4488-ba38-2e845ca7d256Post:569ac3fc-1530-4fe9-bcb1-af31da7fa84e">Re: Do I get a say in what we do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]OMG I don't even post on these things anymore and it makes me so mad to read some of these people's responces. Most of these people on these chats are so weird. You do not sound "bratty" your asking a freaking questions. I wouldn't say you should complain about the situation to your MOH since she is trying to do something else, but I don't think there is anything wrong if you tell her you also wanted to go to a bar or what you had in mind. It's a party for you and i'm sure if she knew that she would want to do it to make you happy. You are the guest of the hour.
    Posted by Jeannette_04[/QUOTE]

    FWIW, I don't think anyone is saying she can't be sad.  The issue is that the hostess may have her own reasons for not going out.  It may be cost or other issues - so if she doesn't ask, I wouldn't say, "Hey I hear your'e not planning to go out for the B- party and just wanted to let you know that I dont' like that idea."
  • edited December 2011

    I agree with Jeanette! No way do you sound bratty! It is your shower and your opinions should be heard, even if you have to go in a round about way (in an effort to not offend the MOH), like through your mom, who has already let the cat out the bag.

    My sister (MOH) planned my Bridal shower and it was not what I expected at all. Most disappointing for me was the lack of wine or champagne (any alcoholic beverage for that matter), but I gotta tell you I had an amazing time. It was at our Pastor's home, and they really went above and beyond with both the decorating and the food.  I kinda knew where it was, and almost took my flask (pink and monogramed from the KNOT...lol), but am glad I did not. My point is is that even if you don't get your way, you might be surprised with how much fun you have being surrounded by your family and closest friends! Enjoy that day no matter what. This experience only happens once (we hope) and my advice to any bride is to enjoy the ride:). My Big day is in 70 days and I can not wait!

  • edited December 2011
    Thank you all so much for your input

    STRIPPERS! I Just found out... They are talking about Strippers!!

    To those of you who said I'm not allowed to say anyting... am I allowed to say something NOW??!?!

    STRIPPERS! SERIOUSLY! ?
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    If you know there are strippers, say to the hostess, "Hey, I've heard through the rumor-mill that there may be strippers planned for the event.  I totally appreciate anything you want to do but that idea REALLY makes me uncomfortable to the end that I might not have a good time at all.  I don't want to butt in,however I really wanted ot let you know this."

    Hopefully she respects your statement.
  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Ditto on the strippers.  I think you're well within acceptable bounds to tell people what you DON'T want, rather than what you do.  Do you see the difference?

    Banana gave you great advice on how to word your concern.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • edited December 2011
    ew lol guy strippers are so akward!!!! i would die if my moh got me a stripper!!! i would address your concern like pp said!
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    If you don't like the kind of party your sister is planning, you can tell her you don't want it. It's okay to let her know you object to the strippers.
                       
  • RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 Figment of Your Imagination member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2011
    So the bride has the obligation to sit politely and endure a bunch of stuff that she is very uncomfortable with, very opposed to, or is just downright pissed off by, simply because her friends are being nice enough to do it for her? 

    She may not have the right to make the final decisions, but she does have the right to speak up about what makes her uncomfortable.  She does have the right to enjoy the party... as well as the right to final veto.   I have always given those rights to the girls I have thrown parties for.  Why would I want to throw a party for someone who might not have fun at it? 
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Rebecca, I think just about everyone agrees that the bride has the right to speak up if there's an aspect of the function that makes her uncomfortable. 

    It's one thing if you had your heart set on something that you're just not getting.  It's not appropriate to say, "But I wanted to go out," because that can be a much higher financial commitment for everyone. 

    However if she's uncomfortable with the plans, she can absolutely say, "I heard a rumor about strippers and I just wanted to let you know that I'm really not cool with that idea."
  • edited December 2011

    I don't think the bride should get a say in what is planned but I do think the bride has a say in what she doesn't feel comfy doing.    I am a conservative person and already told my MOH and BM's what I don't feel comfortable with I hope they respect my thoughts. 

  • edited December 2011
    Yes-this is being hosted in your honor. Since this a tradition and less a surprise party, the host should really consult with you when she chose to have the party since it is being hosted on honor of you and your pending wedding.  I think it is kinda presumptuous that she didn't.  
  • superjules916superjules916 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Has everyone overlooked the fact that her MoH is her SISTER? I think depending on the relationship you have with your sister it could be entirely appropriate to let her know you aren't pleased with the plan if you do it in the right way. I think you said it was your mom who told you the plan in the first place. I would say to your sister, "I'm not sure exactly what you have planned for my b-party but I was driving by (such and such a bar) and I was thinking that might be fun for us on my 'last night of freedom' what do you think?" She's your sister and if you have a good relationship with her then at the end of the day you will still be "friends." Remember this is the same girl who put up with your mood swings through puberty. If you made it through that and are still close enough to have her as your MoH then I wouldn't worry about telling her.

    Of course if she's your MoH because your mom made you have her or because it's tradition then that's another story entirely and should be approached differently. I'm not sure exactly how because my sister (MoH) and I are very close.
  • edited December 2011
    Voice your opinion. And do it NOW before anything is booked and confirmed! I specifically told my BP I wanted to know all the details for the bachelorette (I'm not one for surprises, and especially for a night like that I wanted to look my best). They told me the date but no details and by the time I found out what was happening by someone accidentally slipping up, my MOH had already booked everything! I don't have a problem with WHAT they planned (a 3 night 4 day get away), I have a problem with the COST... THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS per person!!!! I have some friends that cannot afford it, and therefore will be missing my bachelorette... whereas if we had just done a night at the bars, everyone would have been able to go. Had I known before I would have veto'd the whole thing. Since you know what's going on, have your say. If your MOH doesn't take your feedback, don't get too upset, remember she's doing all this for you.... and maybe you can just plan a night out at the bar with some close galfriend the week before the wedding or something.

    GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!
  • edited December 2011
    YES YES YES

    As long as you aren't inconsiderate about how much it will cost for people to attend (ie. $100 just to walk in the door to cover limos and strippers) .. you are absolutely in the right to have a say so in your own party.

    My sis and I are each other MOHs and are very open of what we want.  Our parties couldn't be more opposite of each others if we tried.  If we weren't open about what we wanted .. we would both end up with parties we hated.  As far as I am concerned...that would completely defeat the entire purpose of the night.
  • jmucheech21jmucheech21 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Yes, superjules!!  The whole time I was reading these responses all I could think was "its her sister!!!  OF COURSE you can tell her what you want to do!!!"  I think you should not only tell her what you DON'T feel comfortable with, but tell her what you really want to do.  If its a financial thing, I'm sure your sister wouldn't have a problem explaining that to you.. if its a "I want to do it this way because I said so" thing, then that's not very fair..

    Good luck!!
  • edited December 2011
    I believe you get a say in what you do. My MOH has done an amazing job in taking into consideration what I like, what I want, what I don't like, etc. It's super nice of them to throw the party for you, but it is FOR you and should be ABOUT you. Don't go all bridezilla, but keep in mind it is about you!
  • edited December 2011
    Wow! I can't believe this made The Knot newsflash!

    I really appreaciate all of your responses! When I first found out that they were doing it at the house- I had a feeling that strippers may be involved. When It was confirmed that they were going in that direction. I pretty much realized I am going to HAVE to say something. I am just NOT a stipper person- and it makes me a little sad that they think I AM!

    I haven't spoke to my sister yet but I will do so shortly.

    I just wanted to put in some details that most of you assumed but I thought I would confirm.

    It's really not a finiancial thing- The stripper would be more than the Cab ride home from the bar. I think it's a little bit of a laziness thing on my sisters part-  before this happened- I told her that even if she doesn't arrange transportation and lodging for everyone- She has to keep this in mind when she is planning- How are people getting home- Where are they staying. I think this is what caused her to lean towards the party at the house.

    Like some of you pointed out she is not only my SISTER she is also my friend. So I should be able to talk to her about something like this. It's not about complaining or being ungreatful or being a brat. At this point if it's at the house, it's at the house and I'm sure we will have a great time - We always do!

    But strippers- Just No... 


    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • edited December 2011
    Oh you definetly get a say in what you want it is YOUR  party not hers.  She needs to ask what you want to do and where. 
    future mrs. estes Pregnancy Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • edited December 2011
    Perhaps you could propose a compromise? Let your sister host your Bridal Shower and you will take care of the Bachelorette Party. That way she gets to plan something special for you, but you still get to go out with your friends for drinks.

    Good Luck!


  • edited December 2011
    Hey girl, sorry to hear that this party is giving you the blues. I understand where you are coming from. There are things that I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT want at my BP (i.e. male strippers). I think there is always a way to address things so as not to hurt anyone's feelings. I usually put the focus on me and not them by saying something like "I appreciate what you are doing, I think its amazing. I do have concerns though I am a little worried about xyz because I am just not comfortable with that. Thats on me though, its my hangup and I'm sorry if its an inconvenience. I just wanted to voice my concerns and see if I could help in anyway if you choose to go a different route with the party."

    I think once you put the focus on your and not blame your Sis/MOH she might be willing to budge or be understanding of what you want. I don't know your sister but sometimes people surprise you. Good luck and I am sure the party will be great regardless of where it is hosted!!! Congrats on your wedding Wink
  • landra310slandra310s member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Ok so I'm going to stand out from most of the posters here and say you should get exactly what YOU want.  I dont' care if other people are hosting.  As long as it's not a financial burden on others YOU should be spending YOUR bachelorette the way YOU want to.  It's your bachelorette and if you want a spa day have a spa day, if you want to go to a bar, go to a bar.  Your bridesmaids should be planning things that interest you.  And from experience I know a lot of them don't, they do things that they want to do and it shouldn't be that way.  I've seen brides in tears because of how horrible of a night they had. 1/2 of mine would fly to vegas and have a weekend full of strippers, thankfully the other 1/2 of my BM's know that I'm not having any of that, or the drunk bus bar tour.  I want a low key weekend getaway to my parents place in maine. And no one is going to stop that from happening.  Stand up for yourself, and tell them exactly what you want.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards