Pre-wedding Parties
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"step family" at bridal shower?

to make a long story short, my dad has a new wife, and she has a daughter, both of whom i despise and vice versa. they're invited to the wedding, but probably will not show. (if they do, only to spite me and draw attention to themselves, creating drama).

my aunt stepped up to throw my shower and wants a guest list. i made it without including dad's wife and her daughter and my aunt (dad's sister) said it's extremely rude not to invite them and is now considering not hosting it if i don't. my aunt totally knows the situation that i don't get along with any of them (haven't spoken in years, very bad blood) and it would be horribly awkward if these two did come, as everyone whose coming knows all the drama involved. i just really don't her there, especially on 'my' day. no need for two huge pink elephants in the room.

the question is, am i obligated to invite dads wife and daughter given the circumstances?

Re: "step family" at bridal shower?

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    edited December 2011
    Yes you are because it's your dad's wife. Especially since the host is not willing to hold the shower if they're not invited, in which case I'm not really sure how it's even possible to not invite them (it seems to me your aunt already said invite them or no one at all).
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    edited December 2011
    What PP said.  Your aunt has been generous enough to offer to host a shower, and her condition is that you invite this woman who is married to your father, and her daughter?  Of course you should invite them.

    If the tension is so bad, they probably won't come anyway.
    image
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    redheadtmkredheadtmk member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Comiong from someone who had an evil stepmom and sister I say either dont invite them or decline the shower all together ettiqueete be damned. I do not know how old you are and how long they have been in your life, but I can tell you that if my first step mom and step sister were still in  my life, I would most certainly not invite them. As a child you have to put up with that sort of stuff but as an adult the choice to have them in your life is yours. granted it may cause fallout with the rest of the family but it comes down to sticking up for yourself and letting people know you will not put up with such blatant disrespect, or sucking it up and being miserable for your whole life. I think being a family means you have to accept each others basic and common quirks/faults/annoying habits but it does not mean you are obligated to put up with verbal/emotional abuse or nastiness. good luck!
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    edited December 2011
    redhead, I get what you're saying, and agree with you as far as that if the OP doesn't want to invite them, she should decline the shower.

    The hostess has told her that to have the shower she must invite the stepfamily.  She can't have it both ways.
    image
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    nmcarthurnmcarthur member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    thanks for all the input ladies.

    redhead, i think you definitely can understand where i am coming from. evil step mothers... slash... evil dads wife as i prefer, ruin lives. i am so scarred she's making it her purpose to ruin me and my FI's bg day.

    i know it's childish and immature but the possibility of their presence is looming over my wedding and causing me so much stress. the woman completely humiliated me at our engagement party infront of all our family and friends and after that, i'm living in such anxiety as to what she'll do next if she is indeed included.

    ...i should have eloped.

    anyways.. hopefully one of my bridesmaids can step up and we could just do a very small thing with our friends, and forget about the family (not nice but what other choice?) since my aunt clearly doesn't remember our e-party.
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    edited December 2011
    You have to invite your dad's wife to the wedding, because he is invited. If dad is contributing to the wedding, then he has some say over the wedding guest list, so you may have to include his step-daughter.

    But the shower, IMO, is a different story. If your dad is not invited, you don't have to invite his wife. You should only be inviting your closest family members and friends. The catch is that your aunt , who is the hostess, is giving you an ultimatum. It may be putting her in an awkward position to leave her sister-in-law out off her guest list. So, your choice is to put up with them or decline your aunts offer. I think I would decline.

    Good luck : )
                       
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    nmcarthurnmcarthur member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_step-family-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:5b5987e4-1a4f-4946-bd72-523f46252fb6Post:0826071b-864b-4288-86d0-c7c6783152e2">Re: "step family" at bridal shower?</a>:
    [QUOTE]You have to invite your dad's wife to the wedding, because he is invited. If dad is contributing to the wedding, then he has some say over the wedding guest list, so you may have to include his step-daughter.
    [/QUOTE]

    My father is not contributing to the wedding, we are paying for it ourselves mostly, with a bit of help from FI's parents. He is merely attending as guest, and she as his date.
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_step-family-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:5b5987e4-1a4f-4946-bd72-523f46252fb6Post:003608f1-26f7-4ada-9a4f-286c024bdb6c">Re: "step family" at bridal shower?</a>:
    [QUOTE]thanks for all the input ladies. redhead, i think you definitely can understand where i am coming from. evil step mothers... slash... evil dads wife as i prefer, ruin lives. i am so scarred she's making it her purpose to ruin me and my FI's bg day. i know it's childish and immature but the possibility of their presence is looming over my wedding and causing me so much stress. the woman completely humiliated me at our engagement party infront of all our family and friends and after that, i'm living in such anxiety as to what she'll do next if she is indeed included.
    Posted by nmcarthur[/QUOTE]

    I just had to speak up here.  I know very well what damage can be done by stepparents - or, for that matter, natural parents, as do many people on these forums.  Don't make out like we just don't understand where you're coming from.  We do.  Adults deal with uncomfortable situations.  We may not like them, but we deal.

    And if your stepmother acts like an ass, she'll be the one who comes out looking bad.  But if you refuse to include her, then it's on you.
    image
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    edited December 2011
    nmcarthur, I agree with you. Under the circumstances, your father's wife should only be attending your wedding as his date. You are not obligated to include her in anything that he is not invited to. But since your aunt doens't agree, I would decline the shower.
    I hope your bms throw a shower for you.
                       
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    VRLVRL
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I would always suggest being the bigger person in a situation like this.

    Invite her and her daughter for your Aunt's sake; obviously it's important to her, as host, that they are there. If you've any luck, they won't attend.

    If they do attend, speak candidly with your Aunt. Explain what happened at the Engagement party, and work with your Aunt to ensure neither your step-mother or step-sister have the opportunity to humiliate you again.

    If your step-mother / sister do speak out of line to you, or anyone else, stand up for yourself. Be respectful, but be assertive. Let them know their behavior will not be tolerated.

    Noone has the right to humiliate or degrade you in anyway.
    imageWedding Countdown Ticker
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    suze68suze68 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    It is your and FI wedding, you are paying for it. Invite her if you want or dont invite her if you dont want her there. You do not "have to" invite anyone, including your dad, his wife, her kids, whoever. If your aunt wont host without her and you do not want to be at a party with her, then decline the party. You are an adult and as such can make your own decisions about who you want in your life and invited to your wedding.  Etiquette police be damned, sometimes you just need to do what is best for you and your life.
    image Sept 2011 Favorite Registry Item
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