Pre-wedding Parties

Opinions, vent...

    So my bridal shower is planned for a month from today. My mom and sister (maid of honor) are very excited to plan it for me. Invites are going out today. Now, here is some background: My mom called FI's mom to find out if she wanted to invite any of her family, etc and to let her know what dish to bring (it will be at my mom's house). FI's mom told my mom she wasn't sure who else to invite, so my mom asked her to let her know by today if anyone, since invites are going out. 

   Fast forward to today. FI's mom and I are in the car together, she brought up the shower and spoiled the fact that it is going to be a brunch (which I didn't know before).   I asked her to please NOT talk about it with me since I have nothing to do with it besides giving my mom a guest list and showing up. She agreed. 

    3 hours later we are at a baby shower and she comes over to me to say "I am sorry for having an attitude earlier but I am VERY hurt that your mom is not including me in planning the shower." I said, "I don't know what to say but my mom and sister are doing it and you had your opportunity with YOUR daughter, give them theirs since my sister never had a shower.(very nicely of course)" She responded with "I only have ONE daughter." I said "I know but you got to do a shower for her." [Meanwhile I am humiliated, angry and bright red]  She responded with " I don't want to put you in the middle but obviously your mom and I are very different." I said "I am NOT getting in the middle and do not want to talk about this." Then she didn't talk the entire car ride home.

    Also, I failed to mention that she is planning the rehearsal dinner, by herself and my mom isn't calling and asking to be included or talking to me about being hurt that she is not included.  I am so angry that she can't go with the flow and let my MOM and MAID OF HONOR/sister plan this for me. Now I can't wait for it to be over, which is horrible. HELP. I know that she is telling everyone that my mom and I are inconsiderate and not taking her feelings into consideration. I am the bride. My family has the right to plan my shower. If she is hurt she needs to call my mom or let it go and not keep putting me in the middle, right?!?

Thanks for letting me vent. I know this will cause a fight if I talk to FI.

Re: Opinions, vent...

  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    I think you ABSOLUTELY need to talk to your FI about this.

    If it creates a fight with him, then you have an issue with your relationship.  I only say that because you two need to be able to come up with solutions on how to handle in-law conflict.  That's going to happen throughout your marriage.

    What I'd do: 

    Tell him about the events that transpired and how you feel put on the spot.  If she brings it up again, I'd reiterate, "FMIL, I did tell you that I'm not getting involved in something that only involves me as the guest of honor and you need to respect that.  Have you found shoes for your dress?"  Be nice, but firm.  And if it continues, your FI needs to be there to defend you when this wasn't your call.

    The ONLY thing I think that was inapproprate was for your mom to call FMIL and tell her what to bring.  Beyond that,  your FMIL was out of line.

    I also recommend posting this on the Etiquette board.  This one is fairly quiet.
  • edited December 2011
    PP is absolutely correct!! I have my FI deal with his family and I deal with mine. If either family is acting sassy, the son (him) or daughter (me) deals with it. Even if your FMIL didn't get to plan her daughters shower, she still is insane trying to put you in the middle. You are not planning it, you are a guest! She needs to check herself and your FI needs to help her do it.
  • edited December 2011
    If your FMIL wants to be a part of planning, she should plan her own shower for you. I am having 3 different showers. One here in Atlanta hosted by my FMIL. I am flying to Seattle for one on a friday night hosted by my paternal grandma and my aunt (Grandma can't leave my grandpa unattended for long periods of time) for my dad's side and then one the next day in Portland host by my maternal grandma and aunt for my mom's side. Honestly, you are allowed to have more than one shower as long as the guests aren't invited to more than one.

    I do agree with Banana though. You really need to talk to your FI. Communication is key in a marriage and if you can't talk about something like this, what is going to happen when you need to talk about something more important?
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  • izzyjenniizzyjenni member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Totally agree with all PP's.  I am having somewhat of an inner issue with my showers and wanting to make everyone happy.  I realized that it is my wedding and this is supposed to be a fun event.  You are not supposed to be involved in the planning of your showers other than to agree on a date and guest list.  It is a tough one and I think that your FI needs to be involved and talk to his mom.  You don't want to start your relationship with your in laws like this.  Your FI needs to stand up for you and let his mom know she is out of line.  Good luck!  I have to deal with own issue, too!  It'll all work out!
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  • KatyRoseMKatyRoseM member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    I agree you need to talk to your FI, hurt feelings just fester.  As for anyone doing things wrong, people just need to be polite and say things in the kindest way that gets the idea across.  (on a side note, she is right that she should not plan her daughters shower, it is considered rude for family to host a shower for someone.)
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  • WhatawagSBNyWhatawagSBNy member
    Sixth Anniversary 250 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    edited December 2011
       Fi should tell his Mom,  if she wants to throw a shower in addition to giving the RD, that is a fine idea.  It is traditional for FOG to have a small, welcome to the family shower or tean for the Groom's female relatives.

    But if is not polite to push in on other hostesses who want to plan a shower, brides side.

    More than one small shower is so much nicer than one large one.
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