Pre-wedding Parties

Bridal shower all wrong... HELP

My FMIL and FSIL are planning to have a shower for me.  The FSIL was planning it as a surprise and the FMIL slipped up about it so I found out.  I told her that I felt like showers were not for second weddings, and her answer was "it is if I give you one."  I really love her and appreciate her caring enough to want to do this, but what can I do to prevent this? 

I am not a stick in the mud about the whole second wedding thing.  I was married at 16 and stayed that way for 23 years.  I have had people tell me I can't do a real dress or a real wedding the second time around.  I don't care what they think about that.  I am marrying the person I should have married to begin with, and I refuse to allow our union to be anything less than the previous ones were.  He and I are on the same page with this.  We are having a church wedding, formal dress, and reception.  This is what we want. 

My problem is, the shower is a gift giving affair.  We are both in our 40's and are paying for our bridesmaids dresses, groomsmen's tuxes, etc.  I don't want our wedding to put anyone else out.  It is to celebrate our union, not to get gifts.  We have all the things needed to comfortably run a household, anything that would not be outrageously expensive.  He says if they want to do it, let them, it will hurt their feelings if I refuse.   I don't want to offend his family, but a shower is a request of gifts and I just do not want to do that. 

Any ideas?

Re: Bridal shower all wrong... HELP

  • edited December 2011
    I think it's fine as long as they are planning the whole thing. The guests will most likely be aware that you did not plan your own party so they won't feel like you are requesting gifts. If they want to have a shower for you and people bring gifts, I would say to graciously accept. Maybe you could suggest to the planner that no gifts be brought or maybe a donation be made instead of gifts to a charity that's important to you.
  • allen31540allen31540 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I had thought about asking her to request no gifts, but accepting the chance to spend an afternoon with his family.  I just had a dreaded feeling that it would still be a shower and they would still bring gifts.  That is all I have been able to come up with to handle the situation though, as I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. 
  • edited December 2011
    I really think it will be fine if you have a shower.  It's really nice of your future husband's family to offer this.  I'd graciously accept.  Good luck with your planning.

    Could you do a small registry of things you need to upgrade for your home? 
  • edited December 2011
    It's okay to have a shower for a second wedding. His family wants to do something nice for you and there's nothing wrong with that. Create a registry with plenty of items in the lower price range. Donate your used stuff to a charity that accepts household items.

                       
  • allen31540allen31540 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thank you all for your comments.  I do love his family and I guess that is about the only solution to keep from hurting their feelings.  I just hate for people to spend money on gifts for us.  I guess I will just go ahead with it and try to not let that bother me.  If I am going to do that I would prefer to register so that I can put a lot of lower priced items on there.  I would be VERY uncomfortable with expensive gifts. 

    Again, thank you. 
  • Kristin789Kristin789 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Family  members don't host showers - that's clearly gift-grabby.

    Your FMIL and FSIL *can* host an engagement party, to introduce you to FI's extended family.

    And an engagement party is NOT a gift-giving event, so that's not a problem either.
  • edited December 2011
    Anyone can host a shower for the bride. Every single wedding that I have been to in the last 20 years, was preceded by a shower put on by either the MOB, MOG and/or siblings. The BMs helped out with some of them and were listed as the official hostesses for some of them. I'm sure the BMs were happy that the moms were willing to help out.
                       
  • marisah83marisah83 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Even if you don't want gifts for your wedding, some people are still going to get you gifts.  It sounds like they really want to do something nice for you by throwing you the shower, so I would just let it be. 
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