Need opinions and I know you ladies will tell me your true thoughts (long)

bobbileighb

Many of you know I have had problems with my ILs and they think I am mean, evil, disrespectful and we should not be getting married.  Everything seemed to be okay again and then last night his sister texted hime something about the conversations that happened 2 months ago and how "that wasnt very nice".  I feel like this is never going to end and their feelings havent changed.  His sister is one of my BMs and asked me to pay for her dress (before they expressed their feelings about me) while we were out to lunch for his moms b-day.  I was caught off guard and agreed.  She has since told my MOH that I am paying for her dress and said those things about me.  I thought she would drop out of the wedding if she felt this way but she didnt.  She texted me last week saying she is going into davids bridal this week to get her measurements and they will be "expecting" my phone call to make payment by the 17th.  Then she brought that stuff up last night and made comments about how they dont know if they can afford the hotel and they dont think they will make the rehersal (she has never been in a wedding or even gone to one).  Fi and I are wanting to ask what her feelings are on us getting married and if they havent changed why does she want to be in the wedding.  Fi thinks its just because she can wear a pretty dress and have her makeup done.  FI is refusing to walk his mother down the aisle with the way she has been acting and at this point I am so fearful that this day I just want to be happy and tears of joy will be the opposite. 

Sorry this is so long and for airing all this drama I just dont know what to do and am wondering how you guys might handle it.

MLandCJ

Flame me, but I'd ask her if she even cares about your wedding or for y'all for that matter. What's the point of her/ you stressing out, spending the money and worry about everything. It already has you stressed out now and I can only imagine it getting worse.

llc2011

I agree that it would be smart for your FI and you to talk to the sister.  I would not be spending money on a dress for someone that doesn't really support my marriage and only wants to get dressed up (for free) and have her hair done.  Good luck, FIL drama is not fun

juliebug1997

In all honesty, I think I would tell my FI that he has to walk his mom down the aisle.  This is something that I told Bill, even when he was at his maddest with his parents.  If things end up working out (and you know what has gone on with mine), then they will regret not doing that together.  If he walks her down the aisle and things don't work out, he can at least feel proud that he did the right thing. 

Now, your FSIL I think is in a different boat.  You have extended charity to her  already in the form of a dress and make up.  She can't really expect you guys to pay for everything for her in relation to this wedding.  I would tell her/have FI tell her that you guys are already stretching your wedding budget by paying for both dresses and you can't really afford to pay for anything else.  Ask her if there's a friend she can stay with in town or, if you are already paying for a hotel room for his parents, let her stay with them. 

Weddings are already so stressful that this kind of stuff makes it the number one reason (in my head) people elope or do a DW and have a reception when they come home. 

FebDallasBride

With that attitude I would have kicked her out and resorted to one BM. Is this the same one that wanted you to change your color palette so that she could get the style she liked?

I'm so sorry his family is giving you grief

MLandCJ

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_need-opinions-ladies-will-tell-true-thoughts-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:102Discussion:b79c9b8e-65dc-4142-b18f-0f348deea3abPost:8048d6f8-6682-437e-b487-b519aeff84db">Re: Need opinions and I know you ladies will tell me your true thoughts (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In all honesty, I think I would tell my FI that he has to walk his mom down the aisle.  This is something that I told Bill, even when he was at his maddest with his parents.  If things end up working out (and you know what has gone on with mine), then they will regret not doing that together.  If he walks her down the aisle and things don't work out, <strong>he can at least feel proud that he did the right thing</strong>.  Posted by juliebug1997[/QUOTE]

I think Julie made a GREAT point on that issue!

fallbride1109

I would have your FI talk to your sister.  My rule was always:  his family, he deals with it, my family, I deal with it. 

I had issues with my father as many of you know.  I finally had to say:  look, this is the deal.  We are getting married and if you cannot stop being negative and accept my husband then we won't be talking anymore.  I tried reasoning, explaining and all that.  I finally had to just say: stop, I will no longer tolerate this.  It was hard but not as hard as listening to the things he was saying.  It worked too, he backed off and things have been fine ever since. 

Sometimes you just have to be firm and give them the choice:  accept it or don't. 

ETA:  I don't know if I agree with Julie although she is probably right.  There is no way I could have let my dad walk me down the aisle although he hinted he wanted to.  I go back and forth though as to whether I did the right thing.

Tiffany618

Random thought:  Do grooms usually walk their mothers down the aisle?  If so, oops.   I'm pretty sure an usher or DH's Dad did that at ours.

Are you guys in different states?  I can't remember.   If not, I'd probably call a big intervention.  Order takeout  and sit and rationally talk everything out with the parents and sister.  Extend the olive branch and see if there is anything preservable about the relationship with his parents. If they are not willing then I guess you can cut ties, but at least you made the last effort.

Ordinarily I'd say drop the sister so fast she wouldn't know what hit her, but unfortunately there are lots of strings attached to that so I'm not so comfortable with telling you that.

shortgirltx

I wouldn't give the sister the opportunity to open up about her feelings- I feel she already does that anyways, so why give her an open platform to dog you even more?  You are just asking to get trampled on and as someone who has been put in that position, it's not fun.  So I would skip that part and go straight to asking why she wants to be in the wedding when she doesn't seem to approve of your relationship.  Some people bring up the past all the time and just cannot let go of it and hold a grudge forever.  Actually I would toss around the idea of telling/asking sister that you don't want people in your BP who don't support you.  "As the date approaches, we are realizing how important it is that we have people up there with us who support our relationship and will continue to do so after the wedding.  It seems that you don't feel that way by your words and actions." 

From the OMH side, it's a rehearsal.  The world will not end if she doesn't show up.  Heck, her absence may lighten things up a bit and you may be able to enjoy it and not be constantly looking over your shoulder.  Someone can explain it to her the day of and she should be fine.

Since she got you to buy her dress, do you think she's trying to get you to pay for the hotel?  If so, no way would I pay for that as well.  I wouldn't acknowledge it by any means.  Don't play into her game and be distant and flat in your response.  You don't owe her a reason or any explanation of why you can't pay.  "I'm sorry to hear that" "I hope you get things figured out" or plain jane "No".  If she threatens to not come because you won't pay, let her threaten all she wants.  If she misses it "because of YOU" well that is on her, not you.  She's an adult- it's not up to you to figure out her mess anymore than you have.  Also, she doesn't HAVE to stay where you do hotel blocks (if you did any).  I got a bunch of rude comments from MIL about the block but guess what?  She's an adult, she could have easily chosen to go stay elsewhere.  No one forced her to stay there.  So if the sister can't afford the block, I'm sure there are much cheaper options down the road.

bobbileighb

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_need-opinions-ladies-will-tell-true-thoughts-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:102Discussion:b79c9b8e-65dc-4142-b18f-0f348deea3abPost:e9d66bd9-b599-46d1-8924-1d8654b8f195">Re: Need opinions and I know you ladies will tell me your true thoughts (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Random thought:  Do grooms usually walk their mothers down the aisle?  If so, oops.   I'm pretty sure an usher or DH's Dad did that at ours. Are you guys in different states?  I can't remember.   If not, I'd probably call a big intervention.  Order takeout  and sit and rationally talk everything out with the parents and sister.  Extend the olive branch and see if there is anything preservable about the relationship with his parents. If they are not willing then I guess you can cut ties, but at least you made the last effort. Ordinarily I'd say drop the sister so fast she wouldn't know what hit her, but unfortunately there are lots of strings attached to that so I'm not so comfortable with telling you that.
Posted by Tiffany618[/QUOTE]

Usually it is ushers (which we are not having) and his mom and dad are currently going through a messy divorce so he wont be doing it which means Matt does or she walks down by herself and I didnt want that.

The whole divorce thing is another reason why this is so hard for me because I feel like I am seeing them at their worst and their emotions are heightened.  They are upset that we are inviting his father with everything going on.  I really want them there but just not in the wedding that will take some stress of them and us but I KNOW this will be held against us FOREVER.  They are the type that will seem like they have moved on after you sit down and hash it out but bring it up randomly two months later.  We had our blow up back in Oct we had a long convo after and smoothed things out (I thought) then last night they start texting us stuff about it like we never moved passed it.  We are suppose to be going down there (they are in east TX) for Christmas and I am so worried will turn into a big deal.  We moved to Dallas because of his family otherwise we would have moved elsewhere so I think that hurts it even more I dont have much family so I thought I was going to get this great extended family and to learn they feel this way about me is very hurtful.

Tiffany618

Gahh... your totally stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Well..is your FI a lay down the law type of man?   Sounds like someone needs to put some fear in them.   Let them know that they are all coming (regardless of their feelings about each other) and they better be on their best behavior leading up to the wedding and on the wedding day or else they WILL be uninvited or asked to leave.

bobbileighb

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_need-opinions-ladies-will-tell-true-thoughts-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:102Discussion:b79c9b8e-65dc-4142-b18f-0f348deea3abPost:2787ff01-e6be-4683-8d86-91e7656b651a">Re: Need opinions and I know you ladies will tell me your true thoughts (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Gahh... your totally stuck between a rock and a hard place. Well..is your FI a lay down the law type of man?  Posted by Tiffany618[/QUOTE]

He usually isnt but the more this has gone on the closer it has made us and the less tolerant he is becoming of their actions.  He keeps going back and forth too but I think if I say I am really concerned about their actions on the day of he will tell them how things need to be to move forward.

juliebug1997

I think what hurts me the most about my relationship with my ILs is that I have such a good relationship with my immediate family/family that lives in town.  I've seen many other friends have great relationships with their ILs and I thought that would surely be me.  I have been told that I am pretty likable, even on some Fridays, so I just keep dwelling on "What have I done?"  While it still hurts and I still struggle with it, I am trying to let things go. 

Bobbileigh,
I really sympathize with you.  So many times I just wanted to cut them out of every bit of the wedding.  I don't think there's a one size fits all answer in these instances.  However, if Matt feels this strongly about it, then maybe my advice isn't to be taken.  I just hate to think that they're making him choose and it's obvious who is going to win in this situation and that they're too blind to see it.  And he already chose you once so he's going to do it again. 

bobbileighb

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_need-opinions-ladies-will-tell-true-thoughts-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:102Discussion:b79c9b8e-65dc-4142-b18f-0f348deea3abPost:e4276454-ffb2-4ca8-816e-f2bdc2493b83">Re: Need opinions and I know you ladies will tell me your true thoughts (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I think what hurts me the most about my relationship with my ILs is that I have such a good relationship with my immediate family/family that lives in town.  I've seen many other friends have great relationships with their ILs and I thought that would surely be me.  I have been told that I am pretty likable, even on some Fridays, so I just keep dwelling on "What have I done?"  While it still hurts and I still struggle with it, I am trying to let things go.  Bobbileigh, I really sympathize with you.  So many times I just wanted to cut them out of every bit of the wedding.  I don't think there's a one size fits all answer in these instances.  However, if Matt feels this strongly about it, then maybe my advice isn't to be taken.  I just hate to think that they're making him choose and it's obvious who is going to win in this situation and that they're too blind to see it.  And he already chose you once so he's going to do it again. 
Posted by juliebug1997[/QUOTE]

I think you hit the nail on the head why this is soo hard for me.  I have been called names but never mean, evil and disrepectful.  To think these people raised this wonderful man I would do anything for and they so strongly dislike me is hard for me to accept.  Part of me wants to believe that if I just stick this out once things calm down it will all be better and I can have that bigger family I always dreamed about.  I just dont know if the what if of the future is worth the pain, frustration, and stress right now.

DFWIndian

Ok Bobbie I'm a little late and it seems like most of the girls have given you great advice. I'm one of those people who try to save a relationship above all things. I disagree with the you marry the man not the family because as you can see from the girls on here you have to deal with the families. As much as it sucks it's the truth.

I think you shouldn't back down to your FSIL anymore. Granted you were thrown off by the dress thing, but if you cave this time who knows how many times she'll try to do it. I'm all about talking things out but that's just me. I always say use me statements instead of blaming even if it is what they are doing. If she only wants to be a BM for the sake of the dress and playing princess herself then she's silly.

I'm not much help but just weigh the pros and cons on decisions you make regarding the family. You would hate to alienate them when you have to spend holidays and such with them.

bobbileighb

I have been thinking about this and your suggestions.  I may have come up with a solution that could be as polite as possible and still show them we care. 

I am thinking of telling them that after much consideration we believe it would be best for all parties financially for her to not be in the wedding but still attend.  We can then use the 150.00 we would have used to pay for her dress (and she wont have to buy shoes or come in early) to help pay for their hotel room.  This way they can attend without feeling so much of a burden.  If they choose to not come then it is on them.  Is this still being too nice or does anyone see anything wrong with this proposal?

juliebug1997

I think that's a good compromise but I also think you may be darned if you do and darned if you don't. 

Tiffany618

I think that is a great compromise!! (...as well as a very PC way to get her out of your wedding party!)

serlace

Wow, I'm late.  I agree on the compromise.  All I was going to add was that DH did not walk his mom down the aisle.  Her son-in-law did.  My cousin walked my mom.  DH walked in with the officiant.    That's all.

sarathirza

I think the compromise you came up with is really nice - I haven't been around for long, so I don't think I've heard everything you've gone through, but it sounds like you're a much better person than I am   I don't know if things can get better, but I'll certainly be hoping/praying for you!

DFWIndian

Sounds like you made a good compromise there. I hope she's receptive to it. I agree. I don't think I've ever seen the groom walk the mother of the groom down the aisle either.

bobbileighb

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_need-opinions-ladies-will-tell-true-thoughts-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:102Discussion:b79c9b8e-65dc-4142-b18f-0f348deea3abPost:cde94d40-c62b-4298-b268-c25d79079e02">Re: Need opinions and I know you ladies will tell me your true thoughts (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Sounds like you made a good compromise there. I hope she's receptive to it. I agree. I don't think I've ever seen the groom walk the mother of the groom down the aisle either.
Posted by DFWIndian[/QUOTE]

I am hoping they are receptive too.  There are no brothers, no ushers, no cousins that she has seen in the last 10 years.  If Matt doesnt walk her down I really dont know who will.