Friends and Family?

Sassy28

My bf and I are celebrating our 1 yr anniversary this Sunday and I am sooo happy about that. He's also gone ahead and been able to get a ring for me too!!! (Just don't know when he's popping the question)  Anyways, I'm now faced with a really sad decision and don't know what to do about it.  One of my bridesmaids got engaged this past Christmas and I was really happy for her!  She's even going on a destination wedding with her fiance whom she's been dating for 3 years.  But, she didn't bother telling me that she and him decided on getting married 3 DAYS AFTER MY BIRTHDAY-AND THEY'VE ONLY BEEN ENGAGED 6 MTHS!!! Now, she herself told me that Aaron and I shouldn't rush into things but now I feel that she's being hypocritical and selfish.  On top of that, the only reason I even found out about this in the first place was bc I asked her if she could possibly make it down this Septmeber to go dress shopping with me and the girls. I even suggested she try saving $$ by taking the train up here from Austin-which she refuses to do bc she said she needs her car. (Control freak much?)  I wish her all the best but I'm now starting to wonder if I should even include her in the wedding at all!  She really hurt my feelings by leaving me out of her world and only talking to me when I ask her something-its as if I'm not good enough for her as a friend.  I DON'T WANT THAT!  She's sweet, kind and very outgoing-the kind of friend you always want in your corner.  But again, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! I don't wanna be rude and I especially don't want to hurt her feelings. HELP!

cherrrylll

I'm confused on what the actual problem is here due to the wording. Are you saying you aren't invited to her wedding? Or are you just mad that it's around the time of your birthday. If the former, are all of her friends invited or is it just an intimate family affair? If the latter then, sorry, wedding>birthday.

You aren't engaged yet either, so I'd hold off for a while on deciding who will/will not be invited to your wedding.

KellyLovesJames

I'm so confused by the wording.  I suggest waiting until you're actually engaged until you make plans for your wedding and even bridesmaid selections.  James and I knew WAY before we were officially engaged that we were going to get married.  I thought to "get a jump" on things I'd pre plan a little on the side and then book everything when it was official.  I'm a planner by nature.    Anyway.... once it was official... I didn't want anything I had preplanned AND a girl that I had talk to about being a bridesmaid in the preplanning process.... well, I wish I could take that back.... but you can't.

In short.... don't sweat the small stuff, enjoy your friends big day, remember everyone has an opinion.... and wait until you're officially engaged before worrying about ANY wedding details. 

BanannaP

Um, yeah, I'm a little confused too. Many people have short engagements, and if they've already been together for three years, it's not a big deal. Also, I'm not sure what your birthday has to do with her wedding. My wedding date is my matron of honor's birthday, and she's not getting her panties in a twist about it.

And, you're not engaged yet, so there's no reason to be making plans for dress shopping, wedding party members, etc. You're getting a bit ahead of yourself.

Mariah09202008

Agree with pps.  I would add more, but "if you can't say something nice don't say anything at all".

fallbride1109

I think she's saying she didn't tell her about the actual wedding--she found out about it by accident.  I'm a little confused too though. 

Maybe you should just tell her how you feel--that you are hurt she didn't share the wedding plans with you--and she what she says.

Terriniski

Similarly, I can't tell exactly what you're upset about.  If you're upset because you view her as close enough to be in your wedding but she might not see you two as being as close (and as a result hasn't kept you very informed of her own wedding plans), it's understandable to be upset.  But at some point you just have to accept that people view relationships differently and that's ok.  That doesn't make the people you value any less valuable to you.  There are probably other relationships where you matter more to someone than they matter to you.

llc2011

I agree with the PP (confused on the wording) but I just wanted to say that there is a difference between a couple that has been together for 3 years having a short engagement, and a couple that has only been together for a year getting engaged.

I would hold off on making dress shopping trips and picking the bridal party until you actually get engaged.  Like you are seeing now, friendships may change between now and then. Hopefully everything works out for you! 

Sassy28

Thats just it guys....WE GOT ENGAGED FRIDAY NIGHT!!!!! The ring he choose is gorgeous! (of course) and I love him very much!  But moments after he proposed and I had the ring on my finger, the world seemed to rain on our big night when one of my girlfriends called me to cry on my shoulder. :-(  Then yesterday morning, I sent a picture txt to all my friends showing them the ring and my BM whom I mentioned before is getting married this September didn't even txt me back or call me at all....nothing!  It hurts when friends seem uninterested or too busy to care about anything but themselves. To top everything off, I got a call from one of my closest friends who lives close by us in town and is now in the hospital having to have emergency surgery!  I don't wanna lose another close friend so soon after having lost my best friend four months ago! I love her too much-she's like a second mother to me, not just a close friend. I want her to be around for our big day-to share in the joy of that day with both of us-she finally got to meet my FI even though it was in the hospital.  I'm so proud of her but I don't know what to do about my current BM.  HELP!

tiffnrich2010

I'm still extremely confused??

cherrrylll

Congratulations on your engagement.

If you would like us to give you advice, please go back through and read our responses and answer the questions to clarify what the situation is. As you can see, we're all confused.

Buttercup509

No one is going to care about your wedding as much as you do.

Donnaaries

Well said, Buttercup.

A wedding is one day.  My Matron of Honor (Best friend) got married 2 days before my birthday.  Who cares?  She could've gotten married on my birthday and I could care less.  Our weddings were also within 2 months of each other (mine was 2 weeks after her birthday).  Again, who cares.  We got to stand in as each other's MOH and enjoy our wedding days, and it was a great experience being able to plan our weddings around the same time and have all those same emotions.

MissAngel

Congratulations on the engagement!  

Agree with pp though.. very confused about the wording.  and as pp said... Wedding /> Birthday.  I wouldn't care if anyone got married around my birthday, it's not a big deal... and God willing... I'll have many more of them to celebrate.

The original post was from Friday and he must have proposed that evening... But I still don't understand what the issue is.  Are you upset because no one is getting excited for you?  I remember when we got engaged, it was definitely exciting for us, but I didn't expect anyone to jump up and down... we'd been together for 3+ years before getting engaged and everyone knew we would get married one day.  People were happy for us, but I didn't expect fireworks or anything.

Sassy28

Okay, let me try to clarify things as I do understand that what I was trying to say was a little confusing.  Here's my dilemma, one of my bridesmaids lives and works in Austin, TX-we live in Irving which is about 4-6 hrs away from Austin.  Okay, so I asked her to be my bridesmaid and she said yes!  However, she didn't tell me anything about her plans for getting married in September until I mentioned that I'd like it if she could possibly make it up here to Dallas to join me and the girls in dress shoppping.  Thats how I found out about her big plan to marry her longtime bf of 3 yrs.  Whats got me so upset is that she really doesn't act like she cares to keep our friendship alive and so it doesn't bother me that she's getting married when she is-whats upsetting me is the fact that she doesn't seem to care at all. It's like she only wants to do things when its convenient for her. We've known eachother since we were both 9 yrs old and she was always one of the more popular girls in Girl Scouts.  To top that off, she wouldn't even consider taking the train up here as its cheaper bc she said, and I quote, "I've looked into that b4....I need my car."  Now what kind of friend tells you something like that?  The only time she ever talks to me is when I make contact with her-no emails or phone calls were ever made by her-its always me. SHE DIDN'T EVEN CONTACT ME TO CONGRATULATE ME ON MY ENGAGEMENT!  I envy her greatly bc she's close to her female siblings-I don't have any to speak of and the few female friends I have don't really seem all that interested in doing things bc they've got their lives....I've got Aaron. I don't know if I should keep my friend in the bridal party or if I should just let her go and let her enjoy her life as she seems pretty adament about staying right where she is.  I'm not in her bridal party for her wedding but I also don't have that many female friends. What should I do?

cherrrylll

Ok, thanks for clarifying some.  There are still some random thing up there (does her Girl Scout popularity have any bearing on this relationship/ Why is driving a car a problem?).
But anyhoo--
You can't force a friendship. If she seems disinterested in the relationship, you might just have to let it go. Why try so hard to be someone's friend? Friendships should come naturally with people who click well. There are other friends to be had.
If you think she's going to flake out on you as a bridesmaid, just ask her right now if she's sure she wants to do it (in a perfectly friendly way) and that she can back out now with no hard feelings. It'll save you a headache down the road.

My 2 cents.

MissAngel

Okay, it makes a little more sense now.  About the car thing... honestly, I always need my car ever since that time when a friend told me to just fly in and not worry about renting a car or anything.  I had to depend on her and her husband to take FI and I everywhere and it was awkward and inconvenient.  I felt like I was bugging them if we wanted to do anything outside the house... so we ended up walking to the rental car place to rent a car.

As far as friends go... people change over time.  It's not that they don't like you anymore, but the dynamics of the relationship change as everyone's priority changes.  I wouldn't take it personal and we all grow into different kinds of friendships.  You may want to reconsider have her as your BM if you feel this strongly, but I'm sure you guys just feel differently about each other.

almoyo

Also-- I assume you're too new to have heard us say this before, but it's generally a wise choice to ask friends to be in your bridal party after you have set the date. This is especially important if you are planning to have a long engagement. Things change, and weddings sometimes bring out the worst in people.

Jay+Marissa

Yes--I have one bridesmaid that dropped out because she was studying abroad for a semester. It ended up being a really good thing, even though we are still friends