Texas-Dallas and Ft. Worth

I'm going to punch FI in the face!

Ok, not really. But I'm uber frustrated right now.

We agreed when we picked a venue, that we would keep the guest list down to 150. I communicated this to my parents easily, and they had no problems with that.
We sat down and created a guest list together before we even booked out venue, and we had about 150. Well, FI neglects to share the important bit of information with his family that we are keeping it down to 150. So, his family has gone over the count inviting friends and family from their side.

A side note, my mom is being nice enough to buy, create, print, and send out all the invitations for us. She's done this all at home, on her printer. I asked him to have a guest list together by a certain date. That didn't happen. So he finally got them all together, and it's more than expected. We are going to end up inviting 175 people. Luckily my mom bought a larger set of invitations than we needed, in case she messed some up with the printing or whatnot. Well she used all but 2.

As of today, she has them all finished, put together, and addressed to be mailed out TOMORROW. FI forwards me an email this morning from his father with 5 more people on it that he wants to invite. (5 and guest, so 10 more people). I about blew a gasket. I told him my mom only has 2 invitations left, and he suggested we go out and buy 3 cheap invitations from walmart or something and make them ourselves and send them out. Hm, ok. He doesn't understand you can't just buy 3 wedding invitations, you have to buy a whole box. And then print them all, and make the maps, and buy stamps, etc. All for 3 extra people, that are FI's dad's friends!?!?

So I called my mom, and now she's getting frustrated because she said there were a lot of people that she would have liked to invite, but she didn't because she knew we were keeping it to 150 so she kept it to immediate family on our side.

It irritates me that FI's family is inviting whomever they want to, and my family had to exclude a bunch of people. Don't get me wrong, this isn't FI's family's fault, they didn't know any better. If FI had the balls to communicate with them and say "Hey, look, sorry but we are keeping it at 150" then it would be a little more even, we wouldn't have gone over by 25 people, and my family wouldn't feel shafted.

Also, I feel like FI isn't appreciating all the work my mom has put into this wedding. She has done SO MUCH. He doesn't realize how much work it takes to make your own invitations, and how great it is that she has taken that load off of me.

He's been very involved in all the planning process, but I still don't feel like he's appreciating all the work it has taken and all the details and how it's not as easy as "we will just add a few more people, no big deal" Ok, well let me order some more favors, and have my mom make more programs, and tell the caterer to bring more food, and tell the venue we will have to pay more because our number went from 100-150, to 150-175. Easy enough!

Phew, I feel a little better now. Sorry that was long ladies. I needed to get that off my chest.

Am I being unreasonable here?

Re: I'm going to punch FI in the face!

  • cfibelkorncfibelkorn member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I don't think your being unreasonable at all!

    We split the guest list in half for each of our families (we have about the same size families luckily)

    We about a month ago his mom wanted to add people....I have already made invites as well and the venue is paid for the guest count we originally assumed. Granted she is only inviting 2 people not 5 but still....I feel your pain!

    I told FI he needed to tell his mom if she wanted them to come then she paid for EVERYTHING that came with it b/c we only budgeted for a set amount and I will not go over that limit!

    There was people in my family I had to cut too b/c of budget reasons it is not fair for one to get to invite everyone and not the other...



    In all I think the biggest mistake here is letting future family in laws invite people. They should not invite ANYONE...they can make suggestions to you two but it should be your decision. It looks bad on them b/c what if you said "no" then she would have to go back and univite them :/
  • edited December 2011
    FI email reply to Dad:

    "Sorry Dad, but the guest list was finalized (insert date) and we cannot add any more guests."  

    Love, FI

    Problem Solved. 
  • edited December 2011
    You aren't being unreasonable.

    Would your venue be able to handle more people?
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_im-going-punch-fi-face?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:102Discussion:cc2778cc-b9b7-4ef3-b01f-1c3c94890cccPost:e3c5169d-7c60-4d68-930d-252ac729d2c6">Re: I'm going to punch FI in the face!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I told FI he needed to tell his mom if she wanted them to come then she paid for EVERYTHING that came with it b/c we only budgeted for a set amount and I will not go over that limit!
    Posted by cfibelkorn[/QUOTE]

    hahaha...oh I SO wish that would work with FI. He would never let his mom pay for anything like that. He wouldn't even let the BM's pay for their own dresses!!!!

    If I suggested that, he would say "we will just pay for the extra people, a couple hundred dollars won't break us". Well, maybe not, but it's the principle of the whole thing!
  • stephl3055stephl3055 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I would tell him that he needs to tell them that he screwed up.  He needs to tell his family that he forgot to tell them the list was capped at 150, and that because of his screw-up, you can't invite anymore people.  If he gets yelled at or chewed out, it's his own fault.  If your family couldn't invite some people they wanted, then his family shouldn't be allowed to either.

    ETA: It shouldn't matter if your venue can hold them.  Also, even if his family offers to pay extra for these guests out of their own pocket, I wouldn't let them.  You two agreed on a number and it has since gone over that number.  I would say no to the extras on principle. 
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_im-going-punch-fi-face?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:102Discussion:cc2778cc-b9b7-4ef3-b01f-1c3c94890cccPost:1d8f11ce-9fb0-4b2a-9392-5f0fb7fbcd95">Re: I'm going to punch FI in the face!</a>:
    [QUOTE]FI email reply to Dad: "Sorry Dad, but the guest list was finalized (insert date) and we cannot add any more guests."   Love, FI Problem Solved. 
    Posted by Tiffany618[/QUOTE]

    Oh Tiffany, if life were only this easy with FI and his family. He would NEVER say that to his family. He doesn't like telling people no. If I was close enough with them yet, I would do it myself. But we aren't there yet.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_im-going-punch-fi-face?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:102Discussion:cc2778cc-b9b7-4ef3-b01f-1c3c94890cccPost:66c95e2d-35e5-4a07-ab96-5ea3a3648115">Re: I'm going to punch FI in the face!</a>:
    [QUOTE]You aren't being unreasonable. Would your venue be able to handle more people?
    Posted by ezzyv[/QUOTE]

    They can handle up to 200. But it would be really really tight. I think 150 would be tight. As of now, they're expecting us to have 150, and they said for a 150 wedding, they set up expecting 135. So obviously that will have to change if we actually invited 185.
  • edited December 2011
    Oh, I left out the kicker. FI claims now he "doesn't remember agreeing to 150".
  • edited December 2011
    I was just wondering if it could hold more so your mom could invite a few people. I don't think your FI's family should invite anymore people. FI should have told them from the get go that they only had so many to invite.
  • edited December 2011
    I kinda agree with Steph.  FI can't let this continue or else they will be adding people up until the day of your wedding.

    He needs to lay down the law.
  • cfibelkorncfibelkorn member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Oh god!!! hahaha

    My FI used to be kind of a push over when it came to his family too when I first met him...never wanting to hurt anyones feelings :)

    Its a sweet attribute except for when future in laws start acting a "zilla" when the word wedding comes up

    I only agreed to the two extra because our venue can hold up to like 200-250 and we have 40 (we are sectioning it off) so with such a small guest list it wasnt THAT big of a deal, but no more! haha

    Good luck! B/c if your FI doesn't say anything you are pretty much screwed on that deal b/c it would be slightly over stepping your boundaries to say something yourself IMO

    I would just talk to FI and really try to make him understand why this is upsetting...he will come around to avoid you being upset ;)
  • edited December 2011
    He said this was the last of the list.

    Dang, it better be now that we're 25 over. Yell

    But he doesn't understand that the bride and grooms side are supposed to be relatively even. And at this point, there's really no point in arguing that anymore because we can't go back and add more people to our side.
  • cfibelkorncfibelkorn member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Well then I would resort back to the original plan.....and punch FI in the face!

    hehehe :)
  • edited December 2011
    My husband and I sat down and decided what family members to invite, we made it our say not our parents.  We really tried to keep that down.  We then gave each of our parents to invite just a couple of family friends.  

    Coming up with the guest list and deciding who was important enough to invite and who should be left off was probably one of the hardest things regarding the wedding pllanning process.

    I would explain to your DH that it is not fair to invite more people on his side and that you have people you would love to invite but can't per the limitations set. 
  • edited December 2011
    Yeah, I think my orginal plan to punch him in the face solves all my problems, too. ;)
  • edited December 2011
    I'll be honest, I didn't read everyone's responses, but I'd like to play devil's advocate for a second.

    My MIL kept inviting a lot of people to our wedding and I was getting really nervous about the headcount. We never set a number, but the dollar signs were multiplying in my head with every name that was added. We both invited a lot of people, because we were passionate about inviting certain people. And though it annoyed me that she kept adding people and offering to pay the difference, it worked out so well at the end of the day. It was awesome to have so many people at our reception who love and support us. Every one that was there (origninally invited or not) had a great time and it was special to have them all there.

    I know its frustrating, trust me I know, but it is really nice at the end of the day and it makes all the extra work totally worth it. Remember that your MIL or yoru FI aren't inviting more people to upset you or take over, but because they want to include these people to ADD to the excitement and joy of the occasion.

    Good luck!
  • edited December 2011
    And there is no rule that sides need to be even. It just depends on the priorities of your guest list. Family vs friends, etc.
  • edited December 2011
    Does the increase in number effect the cost of food.? Are you paying food per person...that will certainly be my issue...if we had an increase of ppl to invite..
    MelJ Wedding Countdown Ticker image 218 Invited so far!
    image 134 Are ready to party!
    image 17 Will be missing out!
    image 67 Are MIA!
  • edited December 2011
    I agree with Steph.  If you two agreed on a number it, he should have explained that to his side of the family.

    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_im-going-punch-fi-face?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:102Discussion:cc2778cc-b9b7-4ef3-b01f-1c3c94890cccPost:71eae79e-9a04-4803-aad0-5c29b42e2267">Re: I'm going to punch FI in the face!</a>:
    [QUOTE]But he doesn't understand that the bride and grooms side are supposed to be relatively even. And at this point, there's really no point in arguing that anymore because we can't go back and add more people to our side.
    Posted by NMac2010[/QUOTE]

    On the whole even sides... We are so far from it, it's not even funny.  

    My future in laws only gave a list of 3 people beyond their immediate family.  I'll be honest that I was a little upset at first, because I didn't know if they weren't inviting more people for a reason (like they didn't like me or the whole interracial thing), but they said they just "didn't feel the need to invite people that they don't talk to on a daily basis". 

    Oh well, their loss, because my family has more than enough family/friends to still be over our original number.  I guess in the end it worked out better for my parents because they were able to invite more friends because FI's side is so small.

    We won't really have "sides" by the way.  Our parents will be on the respective sides, but the rest of the guests will just fill in so the sides are equal.
  • stephl3055stephl3055 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Like others have said, the even sides thing isn't a rule.  My parents (they're divorced so they contributed different amounts) and David and I paid for our wedding.  His parents contributed nothing prior to the wedding, and were generally uninterested in the whole thing.  I will admit they gave us a very nice monetary gift after the wedding. 

    The sides were probably 40% my side's family/friends and then 60% his side's family/friends.  I admit that I kind of had the thought that the sides should at least be even considering my parents and David and I were footing the entire bill.  Our original cap was 150 and it got pushed to 175 because his family wanted to invite everyone they knew. 

    Anyways, I have nothing new to add.  I just wanted to share.  :)
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  • Jay+MarissaJay+Marissa member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I agree it is unfair, but only 25 people probably means there will still be under 125 there. We invited 310 and got about 165.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_im-going-punch-fi-face?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:102Discussion:cc2778cc-b9b7-4ef3-b01f-1c3c94890cccPost:458e7c8d-b3b0-46b8-9a8b-463a8845d44f">Re: I'm going to punch FI in the face!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree it is unfair, but only 25 people probably means there will still be under 125 there. We invited 310 and got about 165.
    Posted by Jay+Marissa[/QUOTE]

    I hope so!

    And yes, to whoever asked if it would increase our food. We are paying per person.
  • edited December 2011

    Does your FI know that your Mom has people that she wanted to invite but didn't get to? 

    I don't even know you and I feel bad for your Mom, who didn't get to invite her friends. Maybe if your going to buy another invitation set she can add a few members?

    I know space is an issue, but it really doesn't seem fair. 

  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_im-going-punch-fi-face?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:102Discussion:cc2778cc-b9b7-4ef3-b01f-1c3c94890cccPost:9d8e01b3-1188-4e66-90e6-8ba578697978">Re: I'm going to punch FI in the face!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Does your FI know that your Mom has people that she wanted to invite but didn't get to?  I don't even know you and I feel bad for your Mom, who didn't get to invite her friends. Maybe if your going to buy another invitation set she can add a few members? I know space is an issue, but it really doesn't seem fair. 
    Posted by Tiffany618[/QUOTE]

    haha, awe! I feel bad mainly because she's done so much for us, and never complained once.

    But, at this point it would increase everything. Since we are already 25 people over, and even if she added 10, that would put us at 35. I've already ordered and made favors for 150, and she's made the programs for 150 too. So, she's ok with it, she'll deal with it and move on. I just hope 150 or less still show up so we don't run out of anything, or have a space issue. Our venue reception site isn't the biggest in the world.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_im-going-punch-fi-face?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:102Discussion:cc2778cc-b9b7-4ef3-b01f-1c3c94890cccPost:7da4b8f6-0a87-42be-ba5e-77238bf3dae7">Re: I'm going to punch FI in the face!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh, I left out the kicker. FI claims now he "doesn't remember agreeing to 150".
    Posted by NMac2010[/QUOTE]

    my FI is the same way!!!!
  • edited December 2011
     NMac2010
    I went to a wedding last month at your venue and they had about 140 and it was a tight fit.  I would def try and keep it to a max of 150.  We even looked at the Country Abbey for our wedding but knew our list would be more like 160-170 and I didn't want to cram that many people in.  When we went and looked at the place they were setting up for a wedding of 165 and the tables were so close and everything looked crowded.  I know things are tough when you have to tell people to cut the list but I made my dad and step mom cut their list down so we could be under 175 and our chapel also hold 200. 
    I'm not a lot of help but I just wanted you to know space is an issue with your venue just from the wedding I went to and the tour I took with them.  HTH

    PS I wanted to punch FI in the face the other day also over the guest list so I understand!!!
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_im-going-punch-fi-face?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:102Discussion:cc2778cc-b9b7-4ef3-b01f-1c3c94890cccPost:efdca5e9-3a9b-44a6-86c0-0aad94e7e7f3">Re: I'm going to punch FI in the face!</a>:
    [QUOTE] NMac2010 I went to a wedding last month at your venue and they had about 140 and it was a tight fit.  I would def try and keep it to a max of 150.  We even looked at the Country Abbey for our wedding but knew our list would be more like 160-170 and I didn't want to cram that many people in.  When we went and looked at the place they were setting up for a wedding of 165 and the tables were so close and everything looked crowded.  I know things are tough when you have to tell people to cut the list but I made my dad and step mom cut their list down so we could be under 175 and our chapel also hold 200.  I'm not a lot of help but I just wanted you to know space is an issue with your venue just from the wedding I went to and the tour I took with them.  HTH PS I wanted to punch FI in the face the other day also over the guest list so I understand!!!
    Posted by danac2010[/QUOTE]

    Hmm...that's really good info to know. I guess we will just have to pray that 40+ people don't show up, which based on everyone's statistics so far, I don't think that should be a problem. The invites go out tomorrow, so it's kind of too late to tweak the guest list. If anything, it would only change by 10 people which at this point probably won't make that big of a difference.

    Hindsight is 20/20, and looking back we should have sat down like PP said and just said "Ok, we have x number of people" and split it evenly.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_im-going-punch-fi-face?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:102Discussion:cc2778cc-b9b7-4ef3-b01f-1c3c94890cccPost:7da4b8f6-0a87-42be-ba5e-77238bf3dae7">Re: I'm going to punch FI in the face!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh, I left out the kicker. FI claims now he "doesn't remember agreeing to 150".
    Posted by NMac2010[/QUOTE]

    That's ALWAYS their excuse! Damn 'faulty' memories.  ha.
  • juliebug1997juliebug1997 member
    5000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I just remember having to invite a couple that Bill swears up and down that he never met before but his parents insisted that they had to be at our wedding.  It turns out Bill was in 4th grade with one of the daughters and, while Bill and this girl were never friends, my IL's were BFF's with this couple after the children graduated from high school.  Strange, bizarre, weird.  They also wanted to invite about 30 more people from Baton Rouge (at the very least) but I told him A) my parents couldn't afford to invite any more people and B) Maggiano's wouldn't hold it.  I don't think they took it too well but we didn't add anyone to the reception other than the priest and the musicians.
  • edited December 2011
    As far as even sides go...our guest is is so far from even!  FI's can count all his family members on his hands while my dad is the youngest of nine and my mother is the 2nd youngest of seven!  We are on a very tight budget so my guest list was severely cut down...we told each set of parents to make a "wish list" of people that absolutely had to be at the wedding. Haven't recieved one back yet and hearing all this feedback is making me nervous!! lol
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