Registering and Gifts

What's the difference?

Maybe I'm just being obtuse, but I've seen a few posts that say something along the lines of "Asking for gifts is tacky."  These posts are usually in response to someone contemplating a honeymoon registry or someone looking for a way to avoid having to register for gifts that they don't really want but feel obligated to register anyway.

So my question is: What's the difference?  How is registering for a specific item at a store any different from registering for a spa treatment on a honeymoon?  Both are requests for a gift of some kind.  How is one more rude than the other?

I know that some people do register for honeymoons and then cash them out.  I know that some honeymoon registries do charge fees.  I know that the people on these boards are very opposed to them.  And, I know that six of my 48 wedding guests have specifically asked me to do a honeymoon registry and five others have mentioned that they'll be giving us Disney gift cards because that's where we're honeymooning.

So, can someone kindly explain what the difference is?

Re: What's the difference?

  • Registries are a 'suggestion' of the style that you like and what you would 'like' to get.
    A honeymoon registry is saying 'Pay for a sex fest kplz'

    If you'd rather possibly get giftcards for your honeymoon, just dont register for many items on a gift registry and then spread word of mouth about Disney (even though, IMO I still wouldnt spread word of mouth about a honeymoon unless someone specifically asks you about it).


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  • HM registry really equals asking for money.  That's not cool.  When you register for your HM the guest thinks that they are paying for a romantic sunset dinner for two when really, after the money is given, the couple is handed a check (minus the fee) to do whatever they want with.  That's part of the reason they suck.

    Also, I don't like funding a vacation that a couple couldn't afford on their own.  To me, that feels like encouraging them to live beyond their means because someone else will pick up the slack.  I don't have these feelings when I buy them a toaster.
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
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    edited January 2010
    In Response to Re: What's the difference?:
    Oh and for the other posters, who will no doubt hate my opinion in favor of honeymoon gifts- I am planning on paying for my honeymoon, and have already arranged points and whatnot. So piss off.
    Posted by megandjay
    WTF?  Mature.

    Imagine that someone created a registry at an online store, like Amazon.  So you want to order a gift for your friend, so you go online, you look through the registry, you see the fondue pot.  You remember how the two of you used to love going out for fondue.  So you order the pot, you pay the $49.95 plus tax.  Then you find out later that your friend didn't get the pot.  Instead, she got a check for $45.  Wouldn't you feel deceived?  HM registries are the same thing.  That's why people say they are deceitful.

    There are a lot of other reasons, but it's the deceit of it that really bothers me.

    I just don't understand why people don't just spread the word that they are saving for their honeymoon and use the cash for it.  We didn't do that, but most of our gifts were cash/checks.  We took some of the cash along and used it on the HM.  It was easier, we didn't have to give anyone a cut, and our guests knew exactly what they were giving us.
  • Thanks for the answers guys.  I had a feeling that it had something to do with the tangibility of a physical gift, the potential for deceit, and personal feelings of distaste.
  • Meg and Jay, here's the thing: If you preemptively respond, you're coming across as defensive with retorts.

    You don't need to like the advice stated but generally, the adult debate goes MUCH better when your opinion is supported with fact rather than insult.
  • Megandjay, you're more than welcome to have a pro-HM registry opinion.  The problem here is that you took a civil thread explaining WHY people don't like them and told everyone with a different opinion to "piss off."

    The only "personal and verbal insult" in this thread was "piss off."  Which you said.  The posters before you were just explaining why they, and many others, dislike HM registries, in response to the OP.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
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    In Response to Re: What's the difference?:
    In Response to Re: What's the difference? : I did support my opinion with fact. With the factual example of experiences of my friend who has been giving honeymoon gifts for years. Whereas other posters on this board have responded with things like "tacky, tacky" and "gross" and insinuations that the couple considering honeymoon registry are "immature" and "financially irresponsible", etc. A simple disagreeing response without a personal or verbal insult would be more mature. I on the other hand, have not insulted anyone else's ideas, but merely requested to be allowed to have my own opinion. That seems to be fairly "adult".
    Posted by megandjay
    This thread was full of disagreeing responses without any verbal or personal insults until you came along.  You started with "piss off" out of no where, and then started calling people materialistic. 

    I don't see where anyone attacked you at all.

    Why so defensive? 
  • Since when is telling people to "piss off" acting like an adult, more like grade school.

    Also I have read numerous posts on this and the HM board from people who ask about HM registries to go on a trip they ADMIT they cannot afford on their own.
  • In Response to Re: What's the difference?:
    In Response to Re: What's the difference? : You are right, my response was based on reading numerous previous threads recently, not this thread. I was angry and felt defensive for the poor brides looking for advice and getting ripped to shreds on this board. Maybe my "piss off" was harsh and I should take my own advice and be more accepting, but it was not a personal insult. As the moderator I would have hoped you took a more neutral stance, inviting and welcoming all kinds of opinions and ideas, including those brides whose families and cultures have other traditions- like the "display shower" thread.  Hence the following removal of my posts from this thread. Good luck to you all, I hope that you are able to find a little more compassion and acceptance for people who have different opinions.
    Posted by megandjay
    I don't personally agree with HM registries, but I fully support people who have logical, reasoned, civil opinions in support of them presenting that opinion here.  Ultimately, it's up to a B&G what they want to do, and if it's common in your area people might be totally fine with it. 

    The best way to change people's opinion on HM registries isn't to tell them to "piss off," it's to say, "I'm having a HM registry and this is why.  (List reasons.)"  The simple fact of the matter is that they're a controversial topic on this board, and there will always be people coming out strongly on both sides. 
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  • In Response to Re: What's the difference?:
    In Response to Re: What's the difference? : You are right, my response was based on reading numerous previous threads recently, not this thread. I was angry and felt defensive for the poor brides looking for advice and getting ripped to shreds on this board. Maybe my "piss off" was harsh and I should take my own advice and be more accepting, but it was not a personal insult. As the moderator I would have hoped you took a more neutral stance, inviting and welcoming all kinds of opinions and ideas, including those brides whose families and cultures have other traditions- like the "display shower" thread.  Hence the following removal of my posts from this thread. Good luck to you all, I hope that you are able to find a little more compassion and acceptance for people who have different opinions.
    Posted by megandjay
    You mean showing more compassion and acceptance like your response to the poster asking for opinions and advice about requesting cash gifts.
    "However, do not be surprised if some of your guests think this is very rude (and somehow let you know). I would probably get you a giftcard to McDonald's or something equally as cheesy as your invitation basically demanding money or giftcards!"

    Maybe I am confused but isn't a HM registry basically asking for cash?

  • Um, not sure if anyone actually read my opinion- which obviously is not allowed here, but I do not support HM registries- in their current form. I support the idea of HM registries in theory. And I support the opinion of people who want to do them. As a guest I would not contribute to what basically amounts as a bank account. But as a bride on The Knot, I support other brides.

    I was going to sign off this board, but since other people continue to hammer this issue to death, I am not going to leave. I am here to stay. Sorry. Other brides- post away on your HM registries- I will support you in theory at least!!!


  • Personally, I think HM registries are not in the spirit of wedding gifts.  I know many brides now are getting married older or are not on their first marriage. However, traditionally the idea of wedding presents is that your family and community of friends are helping you get set up in your new household, something that can be a major expense for a young couple.  Even when guest give cash, most couples will thank the guest and note that they are saving for a first/new house. 

    HM registries, however, are asking your guests to pay for a totally frivolous and non-necessary expense.  If I want to go on a fancy vacation, I will save my money and pay for it myself. 
  • In Response to Re: What's the difference?:
    Um, not sure if anyone actually read my opinion- which obviously is not allowed here, but I do not support HM registries- in their current form. I support the idea of HM registries in theory. And I support the opinion of people who want to do them. As a guest I would not contribute to what basically amounts as a bank account. But as a bride on The Knot, I support other brides. I was going to sign off this board, but since other people continue to hammer this issue to death, I am not going to leave. I am here to stay. Sorry. Other brides- post away on your HM registries- I will support you in theory at least!!!
    Posted by megandjay
    Meg, I don't know that anyone is saying you can't post your opinion. 

    However if you do, you need to be prepared that others will post their opinions as well and those opinions will be backed up with reasoning or facts.  When snide comments follow, it creates more of an angry hostile environment than one of healthy debate.

    Also, it's rather hard to read what your opinion is when we need to go find it as a quoted post by other knotties since you deleted your other posts in the thread.
  • For everyone that agrees that HM registries are tacky...

    Do you feel they are less tacky if it is not the only registry? I feel that some of my friends/family will think its a neat idea and would love to contribute to our honeymoon. For those who would rather give a more traditional gift we will have a regular registry set up.
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  • In Response to Re: What's the difference?:
    For everyone that agrees that HM registries are tacky... Do you feel they are less tacky if it is not the only registry? I feel that some of my friends/family will think its a neat idea and would love to contribute to our honeymoon. For those who would rather give a more traditional gift we will have a regular registry set up.
    Posted by melwarner26
    I really don't understand how the existance of a traditional registry would make a HM registry less offensive.  If it is tacky, it is tacky.
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