Charity Registry: Anyone else do this?

lavieboheme73

My FI and I are both beyond full-grown adults, and this is not the first wedding for either of us.  By the time our wedding date is actually settled upon and happens, we will have been together for  more than 2 years, and have lived together for a good majority of that time.  When you have a household containing anywhere from 1-7 children at any given time, there just really isn't any room for extra stuff.  Not to mention, the purpose of a registry is to help establish a household, and I'd say ours is pretty well established already.

We are both socially conscious and very active people who believe in giving to the best of our abilities, so we thought a charity registry would be perfect for us.  We chose a few charities to which we definitely want to donate, and we have been looking at charity registries.  Now I have a few questions:

For anyone who's done this, or is doing it, how much response has there been?  Do you find that people ignored it and got you gifts anyway?  Are there sites out there other than justgive.org?  I just want to explore all the options before I decide.  And how do you get the word out?

Any input is greatly appreciated!

irshis20

Just my .02: I don't like being told which charities to give to. If you want people to give to charity instead of getting you a gift, let them choose (NOT from a list) the charity. You can put a message on your wedding Web site that says something like, "In lieu of gifts, please make a contribution to the charity or cause of your choice." And spread your wishes by word of mouth. You should not print anything about your gifting wishes on any invitations, however.

I should add, though, that when I've seen this type of thing, I often still give money or something to the couple. I figure that as a just-married couple they could use the money for something. And I like giving gifts to my friends getting married - if I want to give to a charity, I will, but somehow when someone tells me to do it it comes off as patronizing.

kmt_cas

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_charity-registry-anyone-else-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:e1e10ce3-5170-4514-82c8-7ce0c325e348Post:a65c24f6-deda-4e55-96cc-279eb0b6e43a">Re: Charity Registry: Anyone else do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]Just my .02: I don't like being told which charities to give to. If you want people to give to charity instead of getting you a gift, let them choose (NOT from a list) the charity. You can put a message on your wedding Web site that says something like, "In lieu of gifts, please make a contribution to the charity or cause of your choice." And spread your wishes by word of mouth. You should not print anything about your gifting wishes on any invitations, however. I should add, though, that when I've seen this type of thing, I often still give money or something to the couple. I figure that as a just-married couple they could use the money for something. And I like giving gifts to my friends getting married - if I want to give to a charity, I will, but somehow when someone tells me to do it it comes off as patronizing.
Posted by irshis20[/QUOTE]

I couldn't agree more.  I had a complete change of heart a couple years ago when a donation was made to a charity in lieu of favors - the problem was that the charity was something that I do not support and I did not want my name affiliated with a gift going to them.  I was <u>not</u>  happy.

When it comes to donations in lieu of gifts, let your guests pick a charity.  I'm sure most if not all of them have a cause that has affected them that they would like to donate to.  If they don't, chances are they won't donate to any cause you pick anyway.  Providing choices does come off as patronizing.  Even mentioning that you would prefer donations will get you some negative feedback, but I would definitely refrain from picking charities for people.

janedoe1113a

I also don't like being told which charities to donate to.  If you had this as your registry, I would not give anything.

PrincssGS

Maybe you could give them a chose of 4-5 charities to choose from, and keep it to popular ones.  In lieu of favors at our wedding, we are making a donation to the National Breast Cancer Foundation, since FIs mother passed away due to BC.  I think most people would be open to donating to any cancer, diabetes, heart, etc organization since most probably have been affected in one way for another.

Brie2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_charity-registry-anyone-else-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:e1e10ce3-5170-4514-82c8-7ce0c325e348Post:30e21165-0e5b-48ae-9552-88b9c0729082">Re: Charity Registry: Anyone else do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe you could give them a chose of 4-5 charities to choose from, and keep it to popular ones.  In lieu of favors at our wedding, we are making a donation to the National Breast Cancer Foundation, since FIs mother passed away due to BC.  I think most people would be open to donating to any cancer, diabetes, heart, etc organization since most probably have been affected in one way for another.
Posted by PrincssGS[/QUOTE]

This is false.  People may support cancer research, but not certain charities.  I know that many, many people do not support the Susan G. Komen foundation for various reasons.  There will never be a charity that 100% everyone supports. 

This also reeks of "we're SO much better than everyone else who registers for selfish gifts for themselves."

I would just not register or make a small registry of upgrades.  People will give you money and crappy white elephant gifts if you do.

lavieboheme73

"Maybe you could give them a chose of 4-5 charities to choose from, and keep it to popular ones.  In lieu of favors at our wedding, we are making a donation to the National Breast Cancer Foundation, since FIs mother passed away due to BC.  I think most people would be open to donating to any cancer, diabetes, heart, etc organization since most probably have been affected in one way for another."

See, that's what we had planned...we had chosen the John Wayne Cancer Foundation, because both of us have had a number of relatives with various types of cancer, Faithtrust, an organization that helps train clergy people and lay ministers to assist with support for domestic violence victims, because I'm a domestic violence survivor and we are both active in our church's children's ministry and have been involved with children of domestic violence, The National Kidney Foundation because I have kidney disease and FI's mom died from it, The National Parkinson's Association because my grandmother who died recently had Parkinson's, and the National Diabetes Association because it runs in our family.  We had no intention of demanding that people donate only to these charities, only to offer them as suggestions in lieu of the gifts we don't need anyway, should anyone feel moved to do so and want a suggestion as to where they might donate.

It never entered our heads that anyone might perceive us as being "better than" anyone else...anyone who really knows us knows that is nowhere near our style.  We just looked at it as a way to help people out while saving others the trouble of picking out a gift that, quite frankly, will probably get donated to a domestic violence shelter or homeless mission anyway, because we already have at least 2 of everything we need to keep house.  I never realized it would be something people would take issue with.  Glad I brought it up BEFORE I offended all my guests!

shauni27

I think, regardless of what everyone else is saying, that it is a great and commendable idea.  I remember my sweet 16 ten years ago and instead of gifts I required everyone to bring canned goods for the food shelter.  I say, good for you.  Your friends and family know you and will most likely enjoy giving to a charity that has such meaning to you and your fiance, and since they all love and know you, they will certainly not think that you two think you are better than anyone else. 

MargoH09

I have not been at all offended by people registering at charity registries. It's a chance for the bride and groom to say "these are the causes we believe in" and is a lovely alternative to just registering for material things. 

And no one is being forced to donate to a charity they don't support. If Aunt Sally doesn't support Save the Wild Monkeys for whatever reasons, she can always make a donation to another charity she supports, buy you guys a small gift or send cash.

ETA: We're thinking of doing a charity registry (plus a BB&B registery).

squirrly

I just said this in the other post, and I'm going to say it again here:

I don't like charity registries, and I wouldn't give to one.  I want to give YOU a gift.  I don't care if you don't NEED it.  And - if you had a charity registry, I wouldn't give you cash either.  AND if you sent me a TY card saying you had given my gift to you away, you can rest assured I will not be giving you other gifts in the future or treating you if we're out to dinner together, etc., as I would see you as being ungrateful.

Please accept that your guests may prefer to give you a gift.  Using cash toward a house or a fabulous trip is perfectly ok in my book - it's something you'll enjoy.  Just giving it away defeats the purpose of the gift.

noelle24

[QUOTE]Your friends and family know you and will most likely enjoy giving to a charity that has such meaning to you and your fiance
Posted by shauni27[/QUOTE]

Wrong. For example,  I would NEVER donate money to the Red Cross. Ever. No matter how much the bride and groom cared about it.  And I'd be extremely angry if I was essentially being told  that I had to give them money.  The couple would get a card... maybe.

lavieboheme73

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_charity-registry-anyone-else-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:e1e10ce3-5170-4514-82c8-7ce0c325e348Post:3eab79d4-aa61-4d24-b5a9-e31d6cc6cf47">Re: Charity Registry: Anyone else do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wrong. For example,  I would NEVER donate money to the Red Cross. Ever. No matter how much the bride and groom cared about it.  And I'd be extremely angry if I was essentially being told  that I had to give them money.  The couple would get a card... maybe.
Posted by noelle24[/QUOTE]

Several people are saying "well, I think that's ungrateful, and I wouldn't give anything at all.  So there!"  as if the withdrawal of the "privilege" of receiving a gift that was never wanted in the first place is this huge punishment.  If it's so offensive to someone to donate to a charity, DON'T GIVE.  It's that simple.  Nobody said it was a requirement.  It's a SUGGESTION.  On the flip side of this coin, why would you force a couple who so clearly is against receiving any more stuff they neither need nor want to accept something they were so clearly against?  Isn't that kind of forcing something on them, which, if I'm not mistaken, is the very thing everyone's complaining about?  The fact of the matter is, I don't support the custom of giving me things I don't need just because I happened to fall in love.  Whoopee...I made a commitment to someone I care about.  Sure, it's grand, but it's not like it requires a huge amount of skill or talent on my part.  I also don't believe I deserve birthday presents just because I was born and continue to breathe.  If you want to give a gift, great, but it's not my thing.  Frankly, it makes me uncomfortable.  Maybe it's weird, but it's the way I see things, and I would hope that my friends and family care enough about my comfort level to set aside their "right" to give gifts. 

It's not that I don't appreciate the weighing in, both from those who agree and those who disagree, and I definitely support anyone's right to express their opinion, whether it's the same as mine or not, but can we please get back to the original purpose of the topic?  I asked to hear from brides who had done this and hear how it worked for them.   Thanks! <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" />

noelle24

I didn't mean that as a punishment. I meant that as I wouldn't give the couple anything because they clearly don't want anything.  I wouldn't want my cash gift going to their charity, so I wouldn't give the couple a check either.  I wouldn't want to get them a random toaster or picture frame either.  So they'd get nothing, besides maybe a card.  I don't usually give cards at weddings.

The bottom line is, It's a WEDDING. Regardless of whether or not you want gifts, people feel obligated to get you something.  When you sign up for a charity registry, there is a lot of pressure on your guests to give,  whether or not you intended it to be.  So it's not as simple as saying "well, just don't give if you don't like it!".

If you want to give money to charity, don't register for anything. You'll likely get cash.  And then donate that money to your charity of choice, quietly.  A wedding is not designed to be a fundraiser for your personal causes. 

lavieboheme73

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_charity-registry-anyone-else-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:e1e10ce3-5170-4514-82c8-7ce0c325e348Post:dcb08716-70fe-4b05-a23d-8d7b1ae41e6e">Re: Charity Registry: Anyone else do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]I didn't mean that as a punishment. I meant that as I wouldn't give the couple anything because they clearly don't want anything.  I wouldn't want my cash gift going to their charity, so I wouldn't give the couple a check either.  I wouldn't want to get them a random toaster or picture frame either.  So they'd get nothing, besides maybe a card.  I don't usually give cards at weddings. [/QUOTE]

You weren't one of those to whom I was referring.  I didn't read your post that way at all.

janedoe1113a

People want to give you a gift.  That's the nature of weddings.  People go to weddings and bring a gift. 

Even if you have a charity registry, people are going to give you gifts and they're probably going to be stuff you didn't need.  So you'd be better off making a registry of stuff you'd like or need and be done with it.

squirrly

I give to charities regularly - the ones that match my ideals, anyway.  I also give gifts at weddings.  I do not intend for the two to overlap.  If you had a charity registry, I wouldn't donate to it (regardless of whether it's one I agree with or not), and I wouldn't give you cash.  If I'm giving you a gift, I want you to enjoy it.  I don't care if you NEED it - I wanted to give it to you.  I'd rather you'd be open to an awesome vacation, or buying yourselves something totally frivolous, or even paying the wedding bills with it.  I don't want my gift to either be given away, or be used to pay everyday bills.  So, in your situation, I'd give you a physical gift, entirely of my own choosing.

I really think charity registries are horrid.  It really defeats the purpose of gift giving.