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Fiance is having major anxiety (sorry it's long)

This is my first time posting but I need some input. My wedding is in 18 days. My fiance is having major anxiety issues about the wedding and wondering if he is making the right decision. He is to the point where he is not eating and making himself sick. Throughout the wedding planning process we have dealt with so much. We have been put in the middle of others arguments and problems and we were left to be the mediators between people which often lead to arguements between us. We have also done alot of the planning on our own. We have had financial support from our families but we have been the ones doing everything else. I feel like the issues we have dealt with along the way are only adding to the normal nervousness and pre-wedding jitters that most people encounter. My fiance and I have talked alot the last couple of days and I reassure him that everything will be fine and I think he knows that. He tells me what I am saying is making sense. He just doesnt know hope to cope with these feelings. I don't know what else to say or do to help him. Was anyone else in this situation? Or, does anyone have any advice? I told him this morning that I am willing to finish everything that still needs to be done for the wedding. This is stressing me out on top of everything else. All I want to do is help him but I dont know what else to do.....
BabyFetus Ticker

Re: Fiance is having major anxiety (sorry it's long)

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    janedoe1113ajanedoe1113a member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Is he having anxiety about the wedding or about marriage?  If it's about marriage, ya'll need to have a seriously long talk before the wedding and possibly do a little marriage counseling quickly.
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    duckie1905duckie1905 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I ditto navy..is it the wedding that is bothering him or the idea of marriage? This would effect my answer signficantly.
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    edited December 2011
    But why right now?? Why would this all of the sudden come up? I thought things were fine, I just dont understand. He says his feelings for me haven't changed. He understands when I say that we have been through a lot with the wedding. We were put in the middle of everyones arguements and problems. I dont think he doesnt want to get married, I know he doesnt. I just think he sees the issues his brother is having and how unhappy they are and thats going through his head.....
    BabyFetus Ticker
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    ktyd8ktyd8 member
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    edited December 2011
    I don't know what you're problems are that you got pulled into regarding his brother but I will say that his feelings are probably normal if he's been drug into the middle of someone close to him's marital problems.My parents are currently going through a divorce where they fight constantly and I get pulled into the middle of everything. For example, mom and dad are arguing. Mom won't answer her phone. Dad calls me to call Mom to tell her to answer her phone. It is CONSTANT!!! It is still on-going and marriage has gotten this bad vibe from me because of it. It is very hard to see the people you care about and are really close to go through something like that and not have it influence you. I have started counseling and it has helped tremendously. I would encourage your FI to seek some sort of outside help or the two of you do some sort of pre-marital counseling. I know you're much closer to your wedding than I am to mine, but therepy has helped so much! Marriage is a HUGE commitment and his concerns shouldn't be taken lightly. I wish you the best of luck!!
    ~Kaitlyn~
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    janedoe1113ajanedoe1113a member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think there's a lot of details you're leaving out and you need to let us in on them if you want actual advice.
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    duckie1905duckie1905 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    But why right now?? Why would this all of the sudden come up?It probably isn't "all of a sudden."  He's probably been dealing with it for a while and just doing a better job hiding it.Without having more information I would have to guess that his anxiety is not just about the wedding but probably extends into the idea of being married.We need more info and it sounds like he needs some counseling stat.
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    edited December 2011
    How does he feel being the center of attention? That may be the issue. I am having terrible anxiety thinking about walking down with all of those eyes on me. All of those eyes ON ME ALL DAY. It really is a problem for some people. He might just need a rx from a dr to get him through. If you feel it is a deeper issue, possibly from a bad example of marriage presented to him over his lifetime, then I agree with counseling.
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    ktyd8ktyd8 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    like megan said i know my anxiety about marriage stems from my parents never having a great marriage and growing up around a bad marriage. i would recommend counseling asap and maybe even postponing your wedding until he is 100% ready.
    ~Kaitlyn~
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    reddy123reddy123 member
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    edited December 2011
    butterflies in stomach & nervousness about the day going well, nervousness/excitement about married life = normal the word "anxiety" "wondering if he's making the right decision" as well as "making himself sick" are huge red flags. These are not emotions anyone should feel after putting so much stress and money into a celebration for the two of you. You should be feeling victorious and proud you got through it together, and excited for your big day. It sounds like there are major family issues getting to you guys and maybe even his perception of marriage has changed. Does he think all couples are the same? Does he see the problem in you, in him, or in the wedding/marriage? Or is it really just the family driving him bonkers and he doesn't want to jump through family hurdles of a wedding ??? I still think you or he is leaving something out. It's time for a DEEP talk between you two.
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    edited December 2011
    I dont think he doesnt want to get married, I know he doesnt.You Just answered your question, you shouldn't get married. its sucks, and i feel bad for you. but why put yourself through so much stress when you know he does not want to get married?
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    edited December 2011
    My Finance gets physically sick when he has to do things in front of people, like weddings. His mother is always a nervous wreck about big crowds, family gatherings ect. So I know Josh gets a lot of his anxiety from that - in fact he was treated for anxiety and depression when he went away to college. I know he'll be nervous about the wedding itself and probably a little sick the day of, but we've had lots of long long talks about his feelings and whether they are about the wedding itself, or being married. HUGE difference. I think you need to have a long long talk about everything.
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    edited December 2011
    Def. talk to him ASAP! I would agree with pp though, if this isn't normal for large activties and outings, it may be something more that he is afraid to tell you. sit down with him and tell him if he's not ready it's okay you love him and are willing to wait for the paper and ring that make you husband and wife. I hope everything works out! GL
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    edited December 2011
    I am truly sorry you have to go through all this drama so close to your wedding. My ex-fiance called off our wedding 8 weeks before our wedding day due to anxiety issues he was having about marriage but never brought them up to me. I really didn't see it coming at all, which leads me to think that your fiance may be keeping things bottled up inside as well. THe advice I have to you rather you do get married or not is talk to a counsler, if he is having issues coping with his feelingsnow, it will only get worse. He needs to learn how to talk to you about them or else to will drive you crazy. Most guys do not like the idea of going to therapy, but really there is nothing to be embarrased or ashamed about. Communication skills are not as easy as everyone thinks they should be. If things don't go has planned with the wedding, there is a website that I found to be both sad and inspirational about other brides that have postponed or canceled weddings. It's just nice knowing you aren't the only one. Check out www.theregoesthebride.com. PS. 2.5 years after my canceled wedding I am newly engaged to a far more wonderful man then before. There is always a silver lining.
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    hollieheidihollieheidi member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Since it's so close to the wedding, what about talking with the pastor/priest that is going to marry you? If you're not the religious type then a counselor is in order.  It's funny how you get caught up in the whirlwind of things and now that it's right here it can be nerve wracking...like it or not the best thing you can do is put off the wedding until he is sure that is what he wants.  DON'T TRY TO TELL HIM WHAT YOU WANT HIM TO WANT.  You say he still wants to get married and you know that, but his words ARE actually saying something different...part of being a couple is communication.  That doesn't mean talking TO him...it also means listening and he's trying to tell you something. He may not feel comfortable talking to you because he might be worried he's going to disappoint and or hurt you.  You need to be supportive and have him talk to someone else besides you and be supportive even if he doesn't want to fill you in on the details because it may not even be about you. Good luck and I hope you take this advice as constructive and not critical...it's only meant to help...good luck!    
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    NukkeNukke member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    update please!  How was the wedding?  How are you both now that you're married?  Does he still have anxiety?
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    Cricket127Cricket127 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Hi! Sorry to hear about the anxiety though I too, have had friends suddeny develop cold feet. One thing I can suggest is to not confront him. Yes let him know that you are worried but if you go on the attack, it won't be of help. Ask if he feels better in talking about these anxieties with a mutual friend or perhaps the minister who is marrying you. Is there a chance you can get away, even just for a day trip and perhaps not talk about anything wedding? My fiancee and I try to do that and it does help at times. Hang in there! One way or another, it'll work out. :-)
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    edited December 2011
    If its not too late, elope. The added stress is unnecessary & if you both are truly committed, then nothing else matters. Elope & leave everything else behind. You, him, & the JP is all you really need.
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