I need to know if this would piss you off???? and how would you deal?

danni7murphy

So, My maid of honor who has been engaged for years called me and said : We have decided to get married april 27th!(They have not put anything down yet ) Would not be a problem if she didn't know for over a year that we are getting married on march 12th and that we move in april (our lease is up ) and that is my last semester in school. Also, seh doesn't live in texas she lives in denver but is having a destination wedding. So, right off the bat i told her this is going to be difficult  for us . (We are paying for our entire wedding) . I checked flights and they were 400 each  and  i am maid of honor so there will be more things to pay for. This is my very best friend and i want and need to be there but i just cant if its on that date i then have to pay for hotel and etc. its just too much for that time less then a month after my wedding is crazy. So, i told her i looked at all my options even driving and its just too much and she  just said thats BS i am taking a week off  for your wedding and am wearing a dress i cant ever wear again. Blah blah blah Now she will not talk to me ... TEXTED her saying it is very important to me  but, the month and date she wants is just impossible for me .....

nickandmerritt

For me personally I don't think I would be upset because there are so many factors that go into planning a wedding and picking a date.  There are lots of times that are busy for me because of the nature of my job, but I wouldn't really expect anyone to plan their wedding around my work schedule.  From the dates you listed, that's actually over a month after your wedding, so I don't see what the big deal is.  So you will unpack your boxes after your friend's wedding.  Wouldn't you have to pay for the hotel regardless of the date?  I don't know, maybe you are not explaining things very well because you're upset, but it doesn't sound like your friend has really done anything wrong.  I can see why she would be upset that you're saying you can't make time in your schedule for her wedding.

danni7murphy

Financially, is really where i am coming from i lost my job this year and i have all of these changes coming up straight in a row  they all will cost me alot and she know about all of them . I really don't see why she  cant understand how paying for the wedding,honeymoon,school and moving all between march 12th to April 27th would make it difficult  to come up  with an extra 1000 just for travel and hotel . I am not requesting her to change her wedding date.... however, if she wants me there.... it would give me a bit more time to come up with the money  She originally  she was talking about may which would be easier ... I don't want to show up and cut corners on being her MOH ... Does this make more sense ??  + her wedding is on a wendsday ....

TexanTreasure08

I agree with N&M. I wouldn't expect any of my BMs or MOH to plan their wedding around me, just like I wouldn't change all of my plans if they had something come up. If I was finally able to set a date after years of being engaged, as you said she has, I wouldn't want to push it back farther. I did ask all of my BMs before I officially set the date, but I don't think 1 1/2 months after yours is a big enough deal to end a friendship over. Did you explain all of your financial issues to her? I would offer to help a BM pay for things if I was in that situation. Where is hers going to be at? Could it be a honeymoon for you? Earlier when our wedding was set for next April I thought about going to my good friend's wedding in Hawaii as our honeymoon since it would be 2 months after ours. 

Anyways, just breathe and try to think of some ways to make it work. I would think she would try to help you pay for things if it's that important to her that you're there.

TexanTreasure08

Also, How would May be any easier to save for when her current date is at the end of April? I think you may be overreacting a little bit.

MarieSD

I am very conservative about money, so I know how suddenly having to spend $1k would throw me for a loop. I think you're justified in being a little stunned/uncertain/wishing you had more time to prepare and save ... but not in being angry or wanting her to change her date. It's not the most convenient for you, but for many reasons it's an exciting, happy thing for her.

I'm sure she's just mad because she was excited to tell you about the date being set, and you weren't excited. If it was me, I'd call her and explain that you were initially unhappy because you felt you might not be able to afford the MOH trimmings you think she deserves. Hopefully she'll tell you she just wants you there, and she's not expecting you to fund/throw any parties. If she's getting married on a Wednesday, she might not be expecting any pre-wedding hoopla.

If you can afford to be out of school that day, drive to the wedding location, and pay for a hotel room for the night, just be honest with her and tell her you're strapped and can only afford $XX for a dress for her wedding, and that you really can't afford to do much else beyond be there, in that dress. If it was me, I'd completely understand. I hope she does. GL!

FebDallasBride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_need-this-would-piss-off-would-deal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:102Discussion:dec0d57e-fed2-43dd-841d-80e42f1fe532Post:2cf3013a-ca07-4a1f-99fe-020c43d57781">Re: I need to know if this would piss you off???? and how would you deal?</a>:
[QUOTE]Financially, is really where i am coming from i lost my job this year and i have all of these changes coming up straight in a row  they all will cost me alot and she know about all of them .
Posted by danni7murphy[/QUOTE]


Not to be a total b*tch, but do you have a job now? If not, maybe you should be the one considering pushing your date back.

nickandmerritt

I can see how it would be stressful if you were hoping to have more time to save, but if you knew these expenses were coming maybe she expected you to budget for it when planning your wedding and honeymoon, like it sounds she did for your wedding. When were you thinking her wedding would be when you agreed? Since you told her it was going to be a stretch financially but since it doesn't sound like you told her you couldn't do it, she was probably thinking you were planning to find a way to make it work. I can see how she would be disappointed now. Is there any way to make it work? I would try not to let something like this destroy your friendship--if she's having a destination wedding she is probably planning on the fact that some people aren't going to be able to come, but if you miss her wedding altogether it is probably really going to hurt your friendship with her. Is there any way that you can make it work? ETA: I just saw that you said you were planning on may. Since this is only a few weeks sooner can you just throw the charges on a credit card and pay it in may when you have the money? Could you also consider taking your honeymoon a little bit later so that you can afford to attend your best friend's wedding or is it already booked?

danni7murphy

Nope i tried to push it back but i would have lost too much money i had already paid  so i kind of had to keep on and struggle through it but we have cut back alot ....

danni7murphy

I just booked our honeymoon last week  and that's what i said to her why didn't you tell me i would have made that our honeymoon but i booked through cheap carrib. and i wont get my money back for the flights which was the most costly part ...

danni7murphy

She never asked me it's sort of well  we always said  we would be each other's maid of honor ... I didn't know it was coming till this week she said may and then chaged it to april  and  because the guy she is marring was still divorcing  up untill a month ago.  knowing how crazy planing is i didn't think it would be that fast .....she is deciding to get married in about 4 months which i didn't think would happen ... I guess thats part of the shock

danni7murphy

I took all of the advise and tried to call ..... she's not picking up or texting me back ..

FebDallasBride

[QUOTE]She never asked me it's sort of well  we always said  we would be each other's maid of honor ... I didn't know it was coming till this week she said may and then chaged it to april  and  because the guy she is marring was still divorcing  up untill a month ago.  knowing how crazy planing is i didn't think it would be that fast .....she is deciding to get married in about 4 months which i didn't think would happen ... I guess thats part of the shock
Posted by danni7murphy[/QUOTE]


Whoa, they've been engaged "for years" and he's still divorcing? This has hot mess written all over it.

nickandmerritt

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_need-this-would-piss-off-would-deal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:102Discussion:dec0d57e-fed2-43dd-841d-80e42f1fe532Post:475ac56e-c18a-43bd-a451-442681f2314b">Re: I need to know if this would piss you off???? and how would you deal?</a>:
[QUOTE]I took all of the advise and tried to call ..... she's not picking up or texting me back ..
Posted by danni7murphy[/QUOTE]

Maybe she just needs some time. Hope you're able to talk soon. I would just email and say that you're really sorry for making it about you, that you appreciate everything she's doing for your wedding and that when she's ready to talk you want to be able to apologize in person and talk to try to figure out a way to make it work. I wouldn't involve her so much in your financial situation at this point, bc she has a lot of other things to worry about and I'm sure she is just going to be thinking about all the money you're spending on yourself right now and wondering why you can't afford to attend hers.  And plus, on her wedding day the last thing she needs to be worried about is that she's putting you out by asking you to be there.

danni7murphy

Yes, It is this may sound terrible but i didn't think they would actually get married ....

danni7murphy

Yes , I did it's my reception venue (which is where i have spent the most) tht is being difficuly they are saying that the minimums will be diffrent since they have since remodeled after i booked and that iff i pull out to go to another venue i will loose all the money spent .... trust me i  would love to have pushed it back even a little bit ... I already  have lived with my fiance for 5 years so it's not like im in too much of a hurry

FebDallasBride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_need-this-would-piss-off-would-deal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:102Discussion:dec0d57e-fed2-43dd-841d-80e42f1fe532Post:8925bf09-056f-4f1c-bfc1-b8748232540e">Re: I need to know if this would piss you off???? and how would you deal?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes , I did it's my reception venue (which is where i have spent the most) tht is being difficuly they are saying that the minimums will be diffrent since they have since remodeled after i booked and that iff i pull out to go to another venue i will loose all the money spent .... trust me i  would love to have pushed it back even a little bit ... I already  have lived with my fiance for 5 years so it's not like im in too much of a hurry
Posted by danni7murphy[/QUOTE]


How drastically would their minimums change, did they say? Honestly if it's not too much more and it buys you more time (and your deposit is transferrable to the new date) it might be something to consider given the circumstances. I would also encourage you to read the verbiage in the contract you signed with the venue. How much was the deposit you put down, or did you put more down than the necessary deposit? Only reason I ask is that if you put down more than necessary you might be able to get back the difference based on what you signed.

bsn1752

OK - reverting back a few posts to the honeymoon you've paid for... weren't you the knottie that her FIL's pay for their honeymoon?  If so - that's hardly an argument.

I am going to say this without trying to sound too mean here - but you sound like a Bridezilla.  I say this not knowing you, your situation or your MOH.  But I think that you have no right to pretend like everyone should cater around your budget/wedding/finances... any of it.  If this was my best friend, I would be there - no matter what.

Also, keep in mind that you have a tax return coming.  Maybe set aside some of the money for that.  Is her DW in Colorado?  You can drive and save money.  Whatever you must do - if you're a good friend and she means that much to you - you need to figure out a way to get there and NOT burden her with your finances because if anyone should know who stressful wedding planning can be, you should.

I would also tread lightly on the subject of them "not following through on marriage" or anything of that nature because it's their decision, not yours. 

Tiffany618

I hate to say it, but I agree with PP.  Suck it up and deal with it, your being a brat.

Jay&Marissa

My FILs paid for our honeymoon--maybe you are thinking of me?

Personally, yes, I would be a little pissed, though May does make it different than April.

I guess it just depends how much you value her friendship...I used to be one of those people that did everything to hold on and at this point I'm ready to let a few go for the better...

bobbileighb

I can see how initially it would be a little over-whelming but it really does come down to how you value the friendship.  If you truly are best friends work together, cut corners, and make the necessary arrangements to make it happen.  I can some what relate with me and my best friend she is in your situation with being strapped financially and having to travel and has even changed her own wedding plans.  Knowing that she has done that I am in turn trying to do as many things as I can to show her how much I appreciate her sacrifice.  Best friends work through these sort of things.  It may not be easy but you guys should be able to make it happen.

TexanTreasure08

I also wouldn't be complaining about my finances when I'm having a "a multi course  dinner and a passed champagne cocktail hour" at my wedding. Seems a little excessive for someone stressing about not having money after losing their job.

http://forums.theknot.com/default.aspx?path=http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_food-cakes_cocktail-hour-only-passed-champ

FebDallasBride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_need-this-would-piss-off-would-deal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:102Discussion:dec0d57e-fed2-43dd-841d-80e42f1fe532Post:8f8b623a-d42d-4a08-b3a7-bf080a248a36">Re: I need to know if this would piss you off???? and how would you deal?</a>:
[QUOTE]My FILs paid for our honeymoon--maybe you are thinking of me? Personally, yes, I would be a little pissed, though May does make it different than April. I guess it just depends how much you value her friendship...I used to be one of those people that did everything to hold on and at this point I'm ready to let a few go for the better...
Posted by Jay&Marissa[/QUOTE]


No, Marrisa, this was a few weeks ago: <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_maybe-im-being-brat" rel='nofollow'>http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_maybe-im-being-brat</a>

nickandmerritt

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_need-this-would-piss-off-would-deal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:102Discussion:dec0d57e-fed2-43dd-841d-80e42f1fe532Post:ce93a021-981d-4864-b48e-6fbd32e162c4">Re: I need to know if this would piss you off???? and how would you deal?</a>:
[QUOTE]I also wouldn't be complaining about my finances when I'm having a " a multi course  dinner and a passed champagne cocktail hour" at my wedding. Seems a little excessive for someone stressing about not having money after losing their job. <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/default.aspx?path=http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_food-cakes_cocktail-hour-only-passed-champ" rel='nofollow'>http://forums.theknot.com/default.aspx?path=http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_food-cakes_cocktail-hour-only-passed-champ</a>
Posted by TexanTreasure08[/QUOTE]

I feel really bad for the OP's friend, honestly.  This would hurt me a lot if I were her.

TexanTreasure08

Yea I take back my suggestion of talking to her about it so maybe she'll offer to pay.

bobbileighb

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_need-this-would-piss-off-would-deal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:102Discussion:dec0d57e-fed2-43dd-841d-80e42f1fe532Post:ce93a021-981d-4864-b48e-6fbd32e162c4">Re: I need to know if this would piss you off???? and how would you deal?</a>:
[QUOTE]I also wouldn't be complaining about my finances when I'm having a " a multi course  dinner and a passed champagne cocktail hour" at my wedding. Seems a little excessive for someone stressing about not having money after losing their job. <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/default.aspx?path=http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_food-cakes_cocktail-hour-only-passed-champ" rel='nofollow'>http://forums.theknot.com/default.aspx?path=http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_food-cakes_cocktail-hour-only-passed-champ</a>
Posted by TexanTreasure08[/QUOTE]

This is pretty bad.  I still go back to my original statement if she means that much to you then you may need to make some sacrifices.

bsn1752

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_need-this-would-piss-off-would-deal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:102Discussion:dec0d57e-fed2-43dd-841d-80e42f1fe532Post:49fbcbdd-4d7e-4b74-82ce-50346d293d7f">Re: I need to know if this would piss you off???? and how would you deal?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I need to know if this would piss you off???? and how would you deal? : I feel really bad for the OP's friend, honestly.  This would hurt me a lot if I were her.
Posted by nickandmerritt[/QUOTE]

Me too... and I wouldn't want to be part of a wedding for someone who can't be happy/excited and willing to make things work for my wedding in return.

danni7murphy

yes, I ended up having to add on to what they gave us for the honeymoon because we couldnt find much only spending what they gave us .Which we really tried not to do but since i am in school we had to go during a certain time.

Next, I wasnt saying they won't follow through i was saying i originally didnt think they would jump right into planning because just a month ago they seperated  and he had just gotten divorced and they werent even talking about having a wedding . Also, the reason why i posted that was to esplain why i had not started saving for her wedding .

danni7murphy

Just wondering why do you have so much time on your hands to go look at my previous posts. Seconadly , as i stated above i have cut back and changed alot of things since losing my job which just recently happened.

danni7murphy

I wouldn't ask her to pay that's kind of ridiculous .

danni7murphy

Honestly , I wasn't looking for a specific opintion that would make me happy I really just wanted to see how people would handle it(I was looking for advise on a isolated question not amything else). However , With the exception of a few of you  this hasn't been too helpful. I am sort of confused why some of you jumped at the oppourtunity to make personal judgements and assumptions  about someone you don't know. I expected mixed opintions and thoughts but, i didnt expect people to attempt to reaserch me . Next, time you think you know what my wedding plans are ask me like BSN1752 did because it may have changed . I am not having a super extravagant wedding my guest list is small and the least expensive package includes things such as passed champgne and is actually cheaper then  a buffet(at this venue ) .