Advice for a soon to be step-mom

khornack

So, I'm not get married for the second time, but I thought maybe this would be a good place to post. My fiance has two (young) children from his previous marriage. They have joint custody, so I've met them. They are great kids-really sweet and happy. I love to spend time with them. I really want to be a good stepmother, but I have NO experience with divorce, and theirs was pretty bitter. She is teaching the kids to call their step-father 'Dad' and their father by his first name. It breaks my heart, for him, as well as for the kids. That has to be confusing. I suppose I would just like advise on how to be a good stepmother, I really try to be a reasonable person, and understand where people are coming from, but is there anything you wish you had known, or done (or maybe more importantly) or NOT done?

I would like to have an amiable relationship with their mother, but I don't think it's going to be possible. She scowls at me whenever I happen to go with my fiance to pick up or drop off the kids, and my attempts at friendly small talk (honestly, not 'trying' to be nice) are met with stony stares and glares as if I hadn't spoken. And I know she says mean things behind my back, not that I care, but seriously, her infidelity ended the marriage, and she is remarried now.

*sigh* I guess this is part rant too...

2dBride

About the biggest thing I can suggest is a) to make sure the kids get some alone time with their father, even after you are married, and b) to make sure you have a relationship with the stepchildren that is independent of their father's relationship with them.  A stepparent's arrival in the household is always going to be a negative in some ways (everything from meaning there is less physical room in the house to taking up much of what had been "alone time" with their father.  So if you don't want to have World War III going on, you have to find some way to come up with positives to balance the negatives.  For example, if you were to take one of them out one night a week while they are at your house, and the other one out on a different night, each of them would get some one-on-one alone time with their father, which they didn't have before.  And each of them would get some time getting to know you as a person, not just as a competitor for their father's attention.

The other thing that is important is not to put the kids in the middle.  It is perfectly all right for their father to say, "Whatever may be happening at your mother's house, in this house you will call me 'Dad' and [stepfather] by his first name."  Kids can deal with having different rules in different places.  However, it is not ok to say, "The reason your mother wants to have you call your stepfather 'Dad' is that your mother is an evil witch."  The kids will have affection for their mother, no matter how bad she is, and you have to respect that.

If you can manage both of the things above, you will go a long way toward getting the children's affection.  I have seen this with my own children.  I was in a previous relationship that broke up because I couldn't handle World War III between girlfriend and children every night.  With NotFroofy, by contrast, my kids don't even remember that at one point, they were concerned about her moving in, because they love her so much now.

Marrin713

Poster above had excellent advice.

I might add tho with the xW....don't even try to be friends.  If she decides it's time to grow up, she'll make overtures toward you.

Danielle&Nanne

Legally speaking, her training her kids to call their stepfather "Dad" and their real father by his first name is called parental alienation, something family courts take very seriously. 

She may meet you with a stony glare, but I'd just explain to her that you're in this relationship for the long haul, and that as her children's stepmother, you intend on focusing on the kids and what is best for them, and that you are not trying to "replace" her in their lives (which is sadly what it sounds like the situation with the stepfather seems to be)  Since working together as parents benefits the kids, it would be great to discuss rules and whatever so that there is consistency between both houses.

She may feel threatened, or she may just be a b*tch, but either way, you have to deal with this person for quite some time.  I wish you well

Danielle

Sue-n-Kevin

It is never easy being a step parent, OR the parent who's kids are trying to get along with their new step parent. From my perspective, it is all challenging.

2dbride's advice is perfect. Allowing the children to have alone time with both their dad & you is good advice. But, plan things together as a "family", never trying to out-do the Mom & Stepdad, but things that represent what you and your fiance like to do, with his kids.

When you and your fiance are alone, ask him how he "parents", in other words, his philosophy on parenting. Is he strict? Does he want you to "butt out" when he's disciplining the kids? My ex-boyfriend was TERRIBLE to my son (not his), which is why he is an "ex". I'm sure you will not be like that, because you are here asking these questions. But it's important to know what he expects of you when situations arise and you may not agree with how he is handling it. This adds a lot of stress when it come up, and he IS their dad, you will be his wife. When you disagree, wait until the kids are gone and ask him about it. Never come between him and the kids.

Tell them how you and your fiance view your relationship in relation to the one they have with their mom & stepdad. Explain you are not competing for their affection, you both love them, and want what's best for them. Explain they can be honest with you, and expect you will respect their relationship when they are away from you. If you hear negative things about what's happening at their mom's house, don't pry into facts. Instead ask open ended questions like "are you OK?" "Is something bothering you?" Kids naturally want to pick "favorites", whether it is parents or households. Because they are young, you will have a long time to get to know them as they grow up.

The key thing I have found as both a parent and a soon-to-be stepmom is that the kids are PEOPLE. We all have memories of our childhoods, for me they are great, for some, not so great. Every day you are with them you are creating THEIR MEMORIES for their older years. Always make sure they feel like your residence is a "HOME", a place where they can be supported, loved and respected as people, for who they are. Make their memories of their times with you happy ones, whether eventful or just every day life. Have fun, laugh a lot, make silly jokes, inspire them in their dreams and interests.

I remember a quote I heard one time that Jackie Kennedy Onassis said: "If I do nothing else in my life, I will raise my children well", or something to that effect. That has stuck with me always. If a famous woman, widow of a beloved president, married to a billionaire can have that outlook, so can't we all.

Good luck. Come and chat anytime. This is a great board.

khornack

Thank you so much to everyone. I just want to be a good stepmother, and while I realize that I will make mistakes, I really want to get the important stuff right. I realize that at some point as they get older, someone will scream at me "You aren't my mother." I know if won't be easy. But I love my fiance and his children, and I always want them to feel welcome and loved.

If anyone else has experiences they want to share  or tips, I'll always be appreciative of advise! Thanks again to everyone!

deepcovejackie

It's great that you've reached out for advice on this!  You've received some fabulous words of wisdom.  I've been through this, as my FI has assumed the role of stepdad to our 11 and 13 year olds.  It was rough at first, and don't expect miracles from the kids.  It will definitely take time.  Most important advice (all of it was good) but this bears repeating:  talk positively of the kids mom, find something nice to say about her and say it.  Then the kids are "freed" from having to defend their mom and divide their loyalties.

right1thistime

I agree with the bulk of the above.  Fi should be the one to address issues with xW.  Direction to call a biological parent by his given name falls into parental alienation - and your Fi should discuss with his divorce/ custody attorney. 

For your part- I believe that there is an online support group called Step-Together that is available- and I have heard many parents who found it helpful. 

I disagree with defining what the step father is to be called in your house.  I would let the children decide that.  They should not be the ping pong ball in that debate.  If you say he has to be Mike, but 5 days out of 7 they call him Dad, and they "slip", they wil feel bad.  I think its unnecessary. 

I would NOT suggest you do any more than casual greetings, and kid update conversations with her.  Take the high road on this one. Time is the best problem solver in this scenario.  As time goes on, is xW will figure out that having a god step mother for her children is a blessing.  Her petty jealousy will fade.  This truly can work.  ~Donna

Sue-n-Kevin

"I realize that at some point as they get older, someone will scream at me "You aren't my mother." I know if won't be easy."

And when they scream "I hate you", you know you are just like a real parent!

thealphabride

 I agree that you must always take the high road, always. 
I also strongly agree that you do not need to deal with his EX at all that is his job. 
Smile, be pleasant, but let him deal with her on the issues. These are THEIR children and their repsonsibility.  You do need to find out his parenting style, what the rules and boundries are and follow them with him, but whenever possible let him punish and discipline.
My siuation is very different because my FI son is much older now. When we met his son was 11. Fiance and I have never lived together. I kept his son's and my relationship strictly friendly but I did a few things along the way. 
I  never showed up on his visitation nights with his son, unless it was a weekend night and we were invited by my fiance to do something together as a family with my son too. I did not approach his son for hugs and kisses, I waited for him to come to me with affection, which he did, 4 years later. A few times over the years but now he always gives me hugs. he's 16 now, and loves me on his terms, he knows me well. 
FI's son is heavily involved in baseball and FI coaches his team. fi's ex is at every game. out of respect for thier family, I did not constantly show up at son;s games, there are aways a few she doesn't go to so I would go to those. 
Fi's ex is a drama queen, and loves to stir up trouble. I figured that out early on. 
and stayed away if I knew she was going to show up at the house. Over the last 2 years i have seen her exactly zero times. Easy for me to stay out of her frey that way. I realize you cannot do this since the kids are young. I'm sure that fi's son has no problems with me because if he did I would have heard about itby now. His son was happy we got engaged and are getting married. 
I am very different than his mother. To say she is high strung is an understatement and I am very laid back, don't yell and scream etc like she does and I think it's a nice break for his son. Also, I have never disciplined his son. Fi does all of that. 
His son has a mom and dad and I have my own child to raise, who has his own issues of ADHD and is a handful, so her drama, I don't need!!!! It all has turned out well because we decided to wait until his son is graduated from high school to combine our households. I know all of this doesn't apply to your situation but this is how I handled the mean ex wife. Stay out of her way, be nice, and let her and her husband raise their kids. you follow along with their lead.  

pamila51510

Haha Sue how true!!!

SweetestofMuses

I'm only going to chime in as a child of divorce and remarry. My Dad married my stepmother a couple years after divorcing my mother...he is now no longer with her and with a woman I am comfortable referring to as Mom on some occasions.

The difference between the two relationships I have with these women is very clear. My stepmother never wanted children and felt that we were taking her time from our dad and was in constant competition with us.

You don't seem like that type of woman, you seem more like my wonderful "second mom". She wants us to have a relationship with our dad, she wants us to have time with him (even at our ages) She has three kids of her own and though she would understand if we didn't want to really interact, she was overjoyed that we were able to become a big happy family. Her main focus was and still is being a resource for us and a support to our relationship with our father. She never got to meet my mother, but I'm sure they would have gotten along.

Be loving, be forgiving, be there. When the kids are older they'll appreciate the time and energy you put in to being there. All the advice these ladies have given is great. I just thought maybe you'd appreciate the view from the other side

katieanne85

I am marrying a man who  has a ten year old girl from a previous relationship, I do a lot of what thealphabride did, I let her set the terms of how affectionate we are and never scheduled a visit (we are long distance) when she was with him, and after some time we started doing things just the two of us, mostly cuz I was trying to play it so 'safe' she accused her dad of 'hogging' me.  Lol
It helped that I am the only relationship she has known her father to have besides her mother, I didnt meet her until we were sure this was very serious. Her mother is amicable to both of us, even occasionally friendly, which helps too, I say nice things about her, genuinely, and listen enthusiastically when she talks about her. I dont want her to think I am trying to replace her mother or compete with her mother, I know she talks about me to her.
I also dont discipline her, I uphold her fathers rules but he is the one who does the punishing, he also backs me up, when I ask something of her, help around the house, etc, she knows he and I are together on everything, which works so much better since we have built up our own friendship that is separate from her dad, It makes the whole family situation feel more natural. I am only 14 years older than her so I hope for us to continue relating to each other well but am anxious about the teen years lol

right1thistime

The correct answer to "you are NOT my mother", is something along the lines of:
No I am not, nor will I ever be.  You have a mother.  I am your stepmother, and I love you (if that is the truth).  Part of my job is to work with your father to help to take care of you.  Your father has shared this responsibility with me, and I take that important job very seriously.  Therefore, I...<support the broken rule />. 

The correct answer to "I HATE YOU" is, well, you are not very likeable at the moment, but I love you and I always will. 

The way I explain it to my DH is that children will only push away people that they trust not to abandon them.  For my kids, that means they did not say mean things to their Dad, because he had a habit of abandoning them.  I told DH he was finally accepted when he started getting the I hate yous and the you are not my fathers.  ~Donna

doc1026

I agree with all the previous posts. The one thing that my mom has always said (helped her very much with my dad's two children) was to never no matter what talk bad about their mother around them or where they can accidentally hear.

Good Luck!!

hljanes

My advice comes from the perspective of a kid with two stepparents.  One of the best things you can do is to decide with your FH how to approach discipline in the household.  Is he going to expect the kids to obey you as he expects them to obey him?  Because if you try to discipline them and they don't respect you and he doesn't back you up, it will cause problems.  I'm not saying he should demand they treat you as their own mother, but iron out what the expectations are - of each other, and of the kids.

And, to echo what was said before, try to build a relationship with the kids independent of your FH.  I got close to my stepmother only once she started involving me in her life outside of just things we did as a family.  Now I'm closer to her than I am with either of my natural parents.

And, yeah, they will eventually yell at you that you're not their mother.  It's typical of children.  Just like kids, as was said before, will eventually yell at their natural parents that they hate them.  They'll probably yell that at you too.  And it will be hard but just remember that it doesn't mean anything and try not to take it to heart.

SonaliPop

Whatever you do, just be civil. Take the high road. Remember she may not always be nice, but give respect - and expect it in return. You are not to be dumped on but you're probably a classy, self-respecting woman who wants the best for these kids and doesn't want to get in the way by creating drama with her. Good luck and hang in there.

MrsKevers

I can tell that you really  have your heart in the right place and I feel for your situation. One of the biggest pieces of advice I can give is that when it comes to picking up and dropping off children from a previous marriage the new spouses should never be involved. This only invites trouble and backbiting. When there is any animosity in the remains of the relationship it only provides an opportunity for parents and especially step-parents to be presented to the children in a bad light.

One of the most challenging things any parent faces after a divorce is to never ever say anything negative about the Ex or the new spouse- especially when it is deserved. Children are innocent and will unwittingly be messengers, carrying comments back and forth. I have always respected my ex and his new wife, trying always to only call when absolutely necessary, say or ask only what is needed and respect privacy when it is 'their' time. My children are much older now and I can tell you that this practice has paid off in spades. Don't get me wrong there have been times I have litterally had to bite my tongue. Its the hardest thing you will ever have to do, sharing a child and deviding up a life. But if its done with almost superhuman maturity and love the rewards in the end will be greater than you can imagine. Be a lady, follow your heart, do what is right and all of you will be fine. I hope this helps at least a little. The very best of wishes to you and your new family!

jaimed99

The part about his xW teaching the kids to call her hubby "Dad" and their bio dad by his name really rubs me the wrong way...I wasn't aware of the whole "parental alienation" thing before this post, but I would ask FI to bring it up with his attorney as well...

My daughter also has a stepmom...my xH and I are still on very good terms, SM and I are very good friends (she is actually my matron of honor)...I know this isn't always the case...as a matter of fact I've seen very few situations like ours, and I feel blessed.  My point, however, is that she would never have my daughter call her "Mom" (although she does call her Step-mommy) and I would never dream of having her call my FI "Dad" (my xH has expressed issues with this before, and I've had to reassure him that no one can take her daddy's place in her life...and I refuse to let anyone do so)

Work with your FI, as far as parenting...watch how he takes care of his kids, and support what he does.  Don't step in unless he feels that it's appropriate for you to do so, or until your family is at the point where you feel more comfortable as the stepmom. Leave the issues between FI and the xW between them...chances are you may or may not have any kind of positive relationship with her, but interfering will not help the situation.

HTH

khornack

Just wanted to say thank you again! This is really helpful. I've spent some time talking with my fiance about his parenting style and have brought up that certain...issues should be brought up with his lawyer. I think the kid's stepfather realizes that I am around to stay and has been quite friendly to me lately. I think his ex-wife is still in denial that she could ever be replaced (as a wife, not as a mother, I would never even attempt to do that). I

t's going to be a long road, and I think there will be a lot of friction, but my fiance and I have talked a lot about it: we've made promises not to speak ill of their mother when they could overhear, he never has to ask 'permission' if the children need him (the answer is yes, he and I will just have to figure out a way whatever it may be), and to be the bigger people. I really think that in the end, they will recognize that and we both love them and are doing the best we can, and they will always be loved.

SheDiva4

I'm really glad that I read this post...I have a son and my FI has 3 children.  His ex is really trying to push my buttons.  She tells thekfids that now their dad is getting remarried he will not have time for them cuz he has a new family. 

My FI and I have taken the high road and have not responded.  Instead we have and will continue to take all the kids house hunting.  We plan to live somewhere between 1-5 miles away from his children so he can really have joint custody.  The fact that we are getting a house with bedrooms for all the kids has quickly diffused her argument.

I still worry about how she will continue to try to effect my ability to build a relationship with the kids.  The youngest told me one day when just he and I went to get ice cream "Mom was wrong you don't say mean things about her or use bad language."

CCaJC

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