Do I have a right to be upset about this?

JEeyore28

I am chipping in for part of the BM dress for each girl because it is a little on the pricy side, but it is what I wanted.  Now the tricky part is that two of our mutual friends, who happen to be married (and we were in their wedding), are going to be in our wedding.  We discussed way back when we asked them to be in the wedding, we told them we wouldn't be hurt if they had to say no because of finances (which are always tight for them because he works/she doesn't-long story).  They said they would work something out and would be happy to be in the wedding.  So, here it is a little over 5 months until the wedding, and I brought up getting fitted for tuxes and a BM dress.  Well, he asked what the price was for each, and we aren't sure of the tux yet since my fiance has yet to decide (we are going tomorrow night to pick it out) we told him we would get back to him. 

So, after hearing this, I expressed concern to my fiance and I was thinking we basically had three options:

a. They are in the wedding and figure out how to pay for stuff themselves, less the $$ we are chipping in for all of the bridal party.

b.  They are in the wedding and we foot more of the bill than originally planned on to help them out.

c. We give them a chance (before it is too late) to opt out of being in the wedding. 

Now, also add in this....tonight over dinner the husband and wife in question were talking about purchasing authentic NHL Winter Classic jerseys, which if you know anything about sports jerseys, they are not cheap!  And, they are going on a trip to Pitt to a NHL hockey game in February.

I don't particularly feel like chipping in more than I was originally going to if they are spending money on other things such as jerseys and trips.  All in all, I am a little hot about this subject!  So, what does everyone think?  Do I have a right to be upset or am I wasting my energy?  My feeling is that I want to confront them about this.

Summer2011Bride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_right-upset-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:00f337f0-aa91-411b-b9b1-85650351908cPost:f54426f4-1dab-45e7-b8fb-b341c0a224a3">Do I have a right to be upset about this?</a>:
[QUOTE]I am chipping in for part of the BM dress for each girl because it is a little on the pricy side, but it is what I wanted.  Now the tricky part is that two of our mutual friends, who happen to be married (and we were in their wedding), are going to be in our wedding.  We discussed way back when we asked them to be in the wedding, we told them we wouldn't be hurt if they had to say no because of finances (which are always tight for them because he works/she doesn't-long story).  They said they would work something out and would be happy to be in the wedding.  So, here it is a little over 5 months until the wedding, and I brought up getting fitted for tuxes and a BM dress.  Well, he asked what the price was for each, and we aren't sure of the tux yet since my fiance has yet to decide (we are going tomorrow night to pick it out) we told him we would get back to him.  So, after hearing this, I expressed concern to my fiance and I was thinking we basically had three options: a. They are in the wedding and figure out how to pay for stuff themselves, less the $$ we are chipping in for all of the bridal party. b.  They are in the wedding and we foot more of the bill than originally planned on to help them out. c. We give them a chance (before it is too late) to opt out of being in the wedding.  Now, also add in this....tonight over dinner the husband and wife in question were talking about purchasing authentic NHL Winter Classic jerseys, which if you know anything about sports jerseys, they are not cheap!  And, they are going on a trip to Pitt to a NHL hockey game in February. I don't particularly feel like chipping in more than I was originally going to if they are spending money on other things such as jerseys and trips.  All in all, I am a little hot about this subject!  So, what does everyone think?  Do I have a right to be upset or am I wasting my energy?  My feeling is that I want to confront them about this.
Posted by JEeyore28[/QUOTE]

I don't see the problem here....maybe I'm missing it. He asked the price of the tux and you said you'd have to get back to him. So you don't even know if he can't afford it yet? Did I misread this?

Did you get their budget beforehand (i.e. what specifically they could spend on a dress and tux?) If not, get it before picking a tux. You should definitely keep their budget in mind. I think if you want something more expensive than their budget and you won't budge on the clothing, you should pay the price difference. I don't think option A is too nice. "Figuring it out themselves" seems kind of selfish. You asked them knowing they had money issues, and now it seems like you're saying "Oh well, too bad."

If you don't want to chip in a bunch, find cheaper dresses and tuxes!!! Simple solution. Or let the guys wear suits they own. Or let the girls pick dresses off the rack at a dept. store in the length and color you want. If you want pricey, you'll have to chip in. It isn't fair to ask them to step down b/c of it.

And lastly, you have no right to judge how someone else spends their money. You don't know their life. I certainly hope none of my friends would critique the purchases I make and judge whether or not they're "OK."

Catwoman708

You have a right to feel any way you want, reasonable or not.  But you don't have a right to act any way you want.  LOL.

You already told them you wouldn't be upset if they had to back out because of finaces.  If they do back out, and you get an attitude, then it will appear petty of you.  Their reasons don't really matter.

Just tell them how much they will need to pay for the balance of their attire, and let them decide if they can afford it or not.  They don't have to answer to you on how they manage their finances.   If they decide they can't afford it, then let them gracefully bow out, and don't offer to pay extra for them. 

If they do decide they can afford it, then great, no problem.

lalap69

I don't understand why you need to figure this out right now.  If they choose to step down, does it really matter when they do it?  I mean, you don't even have to worry about even sides (even though they're not necessary) since it sounds like it would be both or neither of them.

But even if you're chipping in, you should still find out everyone's budgets first.  Find out what they can all afford.  Your budget maximum is whatever the smallest budget is plus whatever you want to kick in.  The fact that you're contributing doesn't mean that their budgets no longer matter.

hlq2011

You need to figure out your wedding parties' budgets first, and meet the lowest or cover the difference between the dress you pick and what each is comfortable paying.  Your definition of affordable won't necessarily equal everyone else's.  And just because all but one of your BMs is cool with the cost, doesn't mean that the one is out of line.

And how other people choose to spend their money is no business of yours.

AutumnFair

I do not get what the big deal is? You are helping out with the BM dress and the guy asked about tuxes and you said you will have to get back to you. Is there something more to this story? Did you promise to help with more expenses?

I say stick to your original plan of helping with the BM dress and just tell the GM what the tux will cost. It is up to both of them to get their attire so I assume so the ball will be in their court to get it. I'm sure they can get both the Jersey's and attire, but if they choose to drop out then that's their choice. But don't mention the "are you sure you want to be the WP?" question because you already had the conversation once, it does not need to be discussed again.

JEeyore28

Summer2011Bride:  Ok.  So I asked about budgets originally, and they never ever gave me an amount.  I told him originally that the tux would be around $100, the dress would be about the same and he said that was fine.  However, the impression he gave me when we talked about just the other day was that they might not be able to afford it at all since he is paying for a tux and the dress.  I don't mind chipping in, but can't afford to pay for all of their wedding attire....they knew this was coming up and feel they didn't plan accordingly.  I kind of feel like they shouldn't have accepted in the first place if they thought they would have problems.  And of course, I don't want them to not be in the wedding!  So, I am hoping that isn't what they choose.

Catwoman708:  No attitudes here.  Just disappointment if they can't share in our day like I had originally hoped. 

RetreadBride:  We're not ordering tomorrow....just choosing what the tux looks like.  Orders will be placed later, but they did suggest to place them a little ahead of time since it is a June wedding and prom season has begun.

lalap69:  Budgets were discussed when we initially asked them to be in the wedding.  I would just be really disappointed (as I am sure anyone else would be) if they can't be in the wedding. 

SSaltzman87

You have absolutely no right to judge how other people spend their money. Surely you can disagree with it and be upset for a few minutes, but it certainly should not sway whether you'll chip in your part.

Also, if the dress YOU wanted was too expensive- you're sort of doing the right thing by paying part of it- but you (or BMs) really should've picked a less expensive dress so you wouldn't feel the need to chip in at all. They're only wearing it for one day.

MairePoppy

You should stick with the first option (a). They are adults and should be able to figure out their own finances. If they can't, they will tell you.

If you don't want to chip in more $$ to help your friends (b), don't. You are not obligated to do so.

Do not ask them again if they want to opt out (c). They already know that and it will seem like you are urging them to step down, which is the same as kicking them out of your wedding party.

You are probably concerned that you may end up making her dress deposit and she will drop out. But you are the ones who offered to help out and you can't retract the offer now. If she can't pay off her dress, you will just have to write it off. But thats's better than damaging your friendships.

They may spend their money however they wish. That is not anyone else's business.

Summer2011Bride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_right-upset-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:00f337f0-aa91-411b-b9b1-85650351908cPost:bcf9ee3a-eb52-40f9-a627-c6c7191843b6">Re: Do I have a right to be upset about this?</a>:
[QUOTE]Summer2011Bride :  Ok.  So I asked about budgets originally, and they never ever gave me an amount.  I told him originally that the tux would be around $100, the dress would be about the same and he said that was fine.  However, the impression he gave me when we talked about just the other day was that they might not be able to afford it at all since he is paying for a tux and the dress.<strong>  I don't mind chipping in, but can't afford to pay for all of their wedding attire....they knew this was coming up and feel they didn't plan accordingly.  I kind of feel like they shouldn't have accepted in the first place if they thought they would have problems.</strong>  And of course, I don't want them to not be in the wedding!  So, I am hoping that isn't what they choose. Catwoman708 :  No attitudes here.  Just disappointment if they can't share in our day like I had originally hoped.  RetreadBride :  We're not ordering tomorrow....just choosing what the tux looks like.  Orders will be placed later, but they did suggest to place them a little ahead of time since it is a June wedding and prom season has begun. lalap69 :  Budgets were discussed when we initially asked them to be in the wedding.  I would just be really disappointed (as I am sure anyone else would be) if they can't be in the wedding. 
Posted by JEeyore28[/QUOTE]

It's possible that since you originally asked them their financial situation has changed. They may not tell you everything, as I wouldn't if it regarded finances. Perhaps they accumulated extra expenses or are bringing in less cash? Either way, I think if you want them in the wedding and you care about them, you should try to work with them. For the BM dress, you can find dresses less than $100. You can buy off the rack at some dept. stores; it doesn't have to be labeled "bridesmaid" to be worn as a BM dress.  I understand disappointment if they do drop out because of finances, but don't bring up that option; if they need to back out, let them say that to you and then tell them you understand.

Catwoman708

"Catwoman708:  No attitudes here.  Just disappointment if they can't share in our day like I had originally hoped."

Of course you would be disappointed.  But if you are also bitter about why they can't afford it, it will come across a little.  They will sense it, unless you are a really good actress.  

They can still share in your special day without being in the wedding party. 

joiner521

..SO they can afford to go to sports events but your wedding means crap to them. That is so rude of them. I say find somebody else. I would ask them if they can afford the gas to even go to your wedding. Sorry to hear they are being wishy washy.

trix1223

OP:  please ignore the troll aka joiner.