Mother of the Bride

greygarnett

Ok, so my mother is 45 years old and looks fabulous for her age, I won't even dispute that. But she wants to wear a short tubtop dress for my wedding! I mean she looks super cute, but maybe for a club? Like this dress is something my 18 year old sister would want to borrow. I think the dress itself is very pretty but not for my wedding on my mom. Am I wrong in this? I just think that she doesn't have to look like she's an old woman cause she's not; I was just hoping for something with a little more...class on my day from her. I told her all of this when she tried it on in the store and she left it but then went back and bought it behind my back a few days later and brought it up to me on the phone like it was nothing. I'm really not a bridezilla; I even let my bridesmaids pick whatever they wanted for their dresses, but THIS is bugging me. What do I do?

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-of-bride-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:025b8a6b-3b31-482c-a517-ee4751ab80b1Post:c2f82f01-63fd-457a-a54d-3fae6997e785">Mother of the Bride</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, so my mother is 45 years old and looks fabulous for her age, I won't even dispute that. But she wants to wear a short tubtop dress for my wedding! I mean she looks super cute, but maybe for a club? Like this dress is something my 18 year old sister would want to borrow. I think the dress itself is very pretty but not for my wedding on my mom . Am I wrong in this? I just think that she doesn't have to look like she's an old woman cause she's not; I was just hoping for something with a little more... class on my day from her. I told her all of this when she tried it on in the store and she left it but then went back and bought it behind my back a few days later and brought it up to me on the phone like it was nothing. I'm really not a bridezilla; I even let my bridesmaids pick whatever they wanted for their dresses, but THIS is bugging me. What do I do?
Posted by greygarnett[/QUOTE]
What is with these posts lately?

You don't get to tell any of your wedding guests how to dress, including your mother.  Hell, especially your mother.  If she wants to look ridiculous, that's on her.  Find other things to worry about.

MairePoppy

This question has been popping up a lot, lately. If you scroll down, you will find several threads concerned with what the MOB, young MOB, MOG etc should wear to the wedding. I think there's even a thread about a grandma wearing white.

In short, they get to choose their own clothes. You only get a say in what the members of the wedding party wear.

LoveMuffins

It would bug me too.

I'd probably just sigh and say something like, "Fine mom. If YOU want to look like an idiot in a completely inappropriate dress that's going to look skanky at a wedding, and have that decision memorialized through my wedding photos for your future grandchildren to see, that's your decision to make. IF you decide you don't want everyone at the wedding judging you, as I will be, that'd make me happiest, but it's up to you. I just want you to know how I see it and how I think others are going to see it." and then say nothing more about it.

SSaltzman87

If the dress is super revealing, then I would say something. But hey, if she's got the body to rock it-all the more power to her!

I'd never outright tell my mom what to wear, my mom has already started asking for my opinion on her potential wedding outfit-I give her my honest opinion but also say that ultimately the decision's up to her. She's a grown woman who can dress herself just fine.

pretzelgrrl

While I agree that a bride can't tell what people can wear to a wedding besides the Wedding Party...I disagree that I cannot tell my mom when something makes her look bad...so I guess I disagree with some PP's that it is not your place to talk to her about it...why are we super honest on these posts with strangers but can't tell our mother the truth...it's not about worrying about the photos its about worrying about how my mom will feel later when she sees them and thinks "oh god I look awful"...just like I asked her opinion on my dress

ekutlus

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-of-bride-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:025b8a6b-3b31-482c-a517-ee4751ab80b1Post:5ef8ceb0-2994-4219-85ea-aabc7c5cc6ce">Re: Mother of the Bride</a>:
[QUOTE]It would bug me too. I'd probably just sigh and say something like, "Fine mom. If YOU want to look like an idiot in a completely inappropriate dress that's going to look skanky at a wedding, and have that decision memorialized through my wedding photos for your future grandchildren to see, that's your decision to make. IF you decide you don't want everyone at the wedding judging you, as I will be, that'd make me happiest, but it's up to you. I just want you to know how I see it and how I think others are going to see it." and then say nothing more about it.
Posted by LoveMuffins[/QUOTE]

BAHAHAHAHAH

Seriously though -- I think you have a right to ask your mom not to wear something that will make you uncomfortable. Unfortunately, you have no control over whether she listens to you.

I have the opposite problem. My mom keeps buying dress after dress after dress because she is worried she is going to look like an idiot (the first dress she bought is abso beautiful) but my mom is TRIPPING over what my FMIL is going to wear (because it's black???). Good luck!!

greygarnett

Thank you to those with constructive comments. I talked to my mother about it agian, and she agreed to find a cute jacket or something to make it a little more "age appropriate".

LoveMuffins

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-of-bride-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:025b8a6b-3b31-482c-a517-ee4751ab80b1Post:5f550b92-31b4-4ada-8876-b54aad988e2a">Re: Mother of the Bride</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow, Lovemuffins. Just WOW. I would NEVER call my MOTHER skanky. I'm sure she'll be just fine with that, and await her daughter's wedding more eagerly than ever.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

I'm guessing your mother would never wear anything like what OP described either =P  I have several friends whose mothers have issues dressing appropriately, and end up severely embarassing their offspring, and from watching these encounters, that kind of response is the only thing I've actually personally witnessed work with someone who wants to wear something like that.

Glad to hear it worked out OP!

Manwaithiel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-of-bride-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:025b8a6b-3b31-482c-a517-ee4751ab80b1Post:5ef8ceb0-2994-4219-85ea-aabc7c5cc6ce">Re: Mother of the Bride</a>:
[QUOTE]It would bug me too. I'd probably just sigh and say something like, "Fine mom. If YOU want to look like an idiot in a completely inappropriate dress that's going to look skanky at a wedding, and have that decision memorialized through my wedding photos for your future grandchildren to see, that's your decision to make. IF you decide you don't want everyone at the wedding judging you, as I will be, that'd make me happiest, but it's up to you. I just want you to know how I see it and how I think others are going to see it." and then say nothing more about it.
Posted by LoveMuffins[/QUOTE]

That's fascinating, LM. When someone's mother bursts into tears because some misguided person took your advice and said awful things to the person who birthed and raised them, I hope you're willing to take resonsibility for it. Geeze.

Licia&Wayne

Sorry, I go out of my way to be kind to the woman who gave birth to me and raised me for 18 years under her roof, no matter what she wears.

I've never known the words, "Idiot" and "Skanky" to line up with any expectation of "love" and "respect" that someone should give her mother.

You're a peach, LoveMuffins. A peach who gives terrible advice.

Licia&Wayne

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-of-bride-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:025b8a6b-3b31-482c-a517-ee4751ab80b1Post:9be64378-5682-4fff-887d-fb7dad789b15">Re: Mother of the Bride</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mother of the Bride : I'm guessing your mother would never wear anything like what OP described either =P  I have several friends whose mothers have issues dressing appropriately, and end up severely embarassing their offspring, and from watching these encounters,<strong> that kind of response is the only thing I've actually personally witnessed work with someone who wants to wear something like that.</strong> Glad to hear it worked out OP!
Posted by LoveMuffins[/QUOTE]

I'm not sure who you personally witnessed use that response, but I can tell you that person is an awful person if she would choose to speak to her mother like that with no other provocation than her mother having bad fashion sense. And even if her mother did provoke her, she should be adult enough to express her frustration in a constructive manner or walk away from the situation.

So, because someone doesn't dress to a certain expectation, they deserve less respect? Ridiculous. There's are such things as tact and resonableness. Get some.

vicki0508

Ooohh LoveMuffins.  This is quite possibly the worst advice I've seen you give.  So, congrats on topping yourself!

OP - you can't tell your mom what to wear.  You've already expressed how you feel, that's all you can do.  If she wants to show up and look ridiculous, that's on her.  People won't think poorly of you because of how she dresses.  At some point, you have to age out of being embarrassed by the way your parents dress.  And if that point hasn't happened yet, it should certainly happen before you make the adult decision to get married.

And FFS, she's your mom, stop trying to control her.  She's done just fine on her own without your help.

immaeetu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-of-bride-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:025b8a6b-3b31-482c-a517-ee4751ab80b1Post:5ef8ceb0-2994-4219-85ea-aabc7c5cc6ce">Re: Mother of the Bride</a>:
[QUOTE]It would bug me too. I'd probably just sigh and say something like, "Fine mom. If YOU want to look like an idiot in a completely inappropriate dress that's going to look <strong>skanky </strong>at a wedding, and have that decision memorialized through my wedding photos for your future grandchildren to see, that's your decision to make. IF you decide you don't want <strong>everyone at the wedding judging you, as I will be</strong>, that'd make me happiest, but it's up to you. I just want you to know how I see it and how I think others are going to see it." and then say nothing more about it.
Posted by LoveMuffins[/QUOTE]
I really, really hope that one day you have the kind of daughter that says something like this to you.

This advice is a steaming pile of horsecrap.  You should be ashamed to have even thought it, let alone inflicted it on other people.

MairePoppy

Stage- I love that picture. When you look back at it many years from now, you will remember your FIL the way he was.

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-of-bride-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:025b8a6b-3b31-482c-a517-ee4751ab80b1Post:5ef8ceb0-2994-4219-85ea-aabc7c5cc6ce">Re: Mother of the Bride</a>:
[QUOTE]It would bug me too. I'd probably just sigh and say something like, "Fine mom. If YOU want to look like an idiot in a completely inappropriate dress that's going to look skanky at a wedding, and have that decision memorialized through my wedding photos for your future grandchildren to see, that's your decision to make. IF you decide you don't want everyone at the wedding judging you, as I will be, that'd make me happiest, but it's up to you. I just want you to know how I see it and how I think others are going to see it." and then say nothing more about it.
Posted by LoveMuffins[/QUOTE]

Every mother I know would have burst into tears at this - not only at the words but that she raised such a coldhearted, narcicistic bitch of a daughter who puts looks above feelings. 

My mom is a busty woman who isn't afraid to show off her cleavage, even at 63.  Guess what.  It's who she is and I won't be saying one word to her.  I'd rather have her wearing what she wants and being happy about it.

@ Stage - love the pic of your DH and FIL.

LoveMuffins

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-of-bride-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:025b8a6b-3b31-482c-a517-ee4751ab80b1Post:32708a48-fa1e-4787-ab5f-9213157f0d1e">Re: Mother of the Bride</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mother of the Bride : That's fascinating, LM. When someone's mother bursts into tears because some misguided person took your advice and said awful things to the person who birthed and raised them, I hope you're willing to take resonsibility for it. Geeze.
Posted by Manwaithiel[/QUOTE]

I'm not responsible for someone taking my advice, they're responsible for listening to it. If she knows her Mom is sensitive and would have that kind of reaction, then she's probably not going to take it. It's up to her... it's not like I'm forcing it on her and saying  "YOU MUST DO THIS" =P So no, I won't be taking responsibility for anyone else's actions... but that's a fascinating view of the world you have over there.

LoveMuffins

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-of-bride-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:025b8a6b-3b31-482c-a517-ee4751ab80b1Post:d97587a9-7c21-4cd8-a5be-6e920d80eb7f">Re: Mother of the Bride</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mother of the Bride : I really, really hope that one day you have the kind of daughter that says something like this to you. This advice is a steaming pile of horsecrap.  You should be ashamed to have even thought it, let alone inflicted it on other people.
Posted by immaeetu[/QUOTE]

If I wanted to wear something like that and my daughter said that to me, I would probably look in the mirror and conclude that she's correct. I'd much rather have honesty from her than lying just to make me feel good. I appreciate the people who keep me from walking out the door looking foolish, in something I'll probably regret later.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-of-bride-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:025b8a6b-3b31-482c-a517-ee4751ab80b1Post:b3fee8d3-be64-4b41-9400-4f72fa22fed2">Re: Mother of the Bride</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mother of the Bride : I'm not responsible for someone taking my advice, they're responsible for listening to it. If she knows her Mom is sensitive and would have that kind of reaction, then she's probably not going to take it. It's up to her... it's not like I'm forcing it on her and saying  "YOU MUST DO THIS" =P So no, I won't be taking responsibility for anyone else's actions... but that's a fascinating view of the world you have over there.
Posted by LoveMuffins[/QUOTE]
That makes about as much sense as Coca-Cola claiming that they aren't liable for false advertising about the healthy qualities of Vitamin Water because no one could have possibly believed what they were saying.  You don't have to take responsibility for the actions of others, but yes, you should take some responsibility for your own actions, and advising someone to do something where the negative consequences outweigh the positives is irresponsible.

Manwaithiel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-of-bride-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:025b8a6b-3b31-482c-a517-ee4751ab80b1Post:b3fee8d3-be64-4b41-9400-4f72fa22fed2">Re: Mother of the Bride</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mother of the Bride : I'm not responsible for someone taking my advice, they're responsible for listening to it. If she knows her Mom is sensitive and would have that kind of reaction, then she's probably not going to take it. It's up to her... it's not like I'm forcing it on her and saying  "YOU MUST DO THIS" =P So no, I won't be taking responsibility for anyone else's actions... but that's a fascinating view of the world you have over there.
Posted by LoveMuffins[/QUOTE]

You don't know anything about this person. You don't know what her mother looks like. You don't know how the dress looks like on her. With all these unknowns, you make some pretty specific and strong statements in your "advice" that you say the OP should try. If you choose to throw around your words carelessly, then yes, you are partly responsible for what you said. I realize you don't think your actions hold any consequences, but they do. And you could really hurt someone with your callousness.

But go ahead. Say whatever you want and then jump back and say, "I didn't force you to do it, don't look at me!"

As you're not a mother or the age of OP's mother, I don't think you can go around saying how you'd feel about it with any degree of credibility. I know I couldn't. But I can certainly tell you how my mother would feel if I said that to her. And she would straight up cry.

Licia&Wayne

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-of-bride-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:025b8a6b-3b31-482c-a517-ee4751ab80b1Post:ee7611c5-6051-44ad-8ce0-35602396b406">Re: Mother of the Bride</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mother of the Bride : If I wanted to wear something like that and my daughter said that to me, I would probably look in the mirror and conclude that she's correct. I'd much rather have honesty from her than lying just to make me feel good. I appreciate the people who keep me from walking out the door looking foolish, in something I'll probably regret later.
Posted by LoveMuffins[/QUOTE]



So you would want a daughter that tells you that you look like a skanky idiot and that everyone will be judging you? Wow. Well, if that's the kind of honesty you want in your life, then why won't you listen to the people in this thread who are telling you that you sound like an idiot and we are judging you?

Erin Lohr

I don't think theres anything wrong with wanting a little imput and a little decorum here. We don't know much about this brides wedding- if the Bride and WP are wearing short dresses, maybe the dress is appropriate. But I've seen some awful slutty MOBs on some websites that would make me cringe. 

Before my mother and I went shopping for the MOB dress, I told her what dresses I found appalling. Luckily, she was amused and agreed- no high slits and super low necklines at the same time. The dress she ended up getting is full length, but has deep cleavage- it was her idea to get a matching wrap to make that a bit less drastic, and the dress looks really good on her figure. Perhaps, if you can speak nicely and honestly with your mom, she'd be willing to get a wrap, or a scarf, or have some spaghetti straps added to help tone it down a bit and make it more 'mom' friendly?