MOH drama

kayla21elaine

i love my MOH to death really she is great but this wedding planning thing has been so hard on the relationship i think.  I feel like she is mad at me! It is a touchy situation.  She and her BF have been dating for like 6 months and talking about marriage for about 4 of them, so when my Fiance' who i have been dating just shy of a year and a half proposed i feel like it made her mad at me.  Things were fine because I actually had to wait about 2 months to get my ring so she believed she would have her proposal/ring combo before me, but when my ring came in last week it seems like things have changed.  So now i feel like i cant talk to her about the wedding because my wedding is a hassal for her and that is really hard for me to deal with i don't wanna be a bridezilla by any means, but I want my bff to be happy for me.  The drama comes from the fact that she has no idea what she wants for her wedding and while she is awaiting her proposal she is planning her wedding and while doing that she has changed like every aspect of her wedding from the original plan, the whole time telling me i cant use things i want to use and such when she ends up not using it in the end! it has been so frustrating like i found the bridesmaid dresses i wanted the 1st day i began looking and i was told i couldnt use them because they were exactly like hers and now 2 months later my wedding is fast approaching and i was forced to settle with a second choice and she has changed her mind 17 times since then! How do i polietly tell her to back off i mean i love her and dont want to hurt our friendship but the more this goes on the harder it is to even talk to her! I dont want my wedding to be a hassal to her i want her to be happy for me and i dont want to change my wedding plans to suit her it is my day and i want it my way! It's causing problems for myself and my fiance because i am allowing her to dictate things to me and he hates it! I dont know how to balance being a good friend, but not getting walked on...

Also i would really like input here...is it wrong for me to be upset that she now wants to get married on my birthday, i know it seems juvenile, but for the 2 of us birthdays are a huge deal every year we make it like a birthday week every year and our birthday is always a big deal and all about that person, so it hurt me to hear that she wanted to get married that day, because that means she will not be celebrating with me for the rest of my life :-( do i have a right to be upset about this or do i just sound like a brat?

KatyRoseM

She isn't actually engaged yet, don't worry about the birthday thing, it might not happen.  You can tell her that you two can have similar weddings, no one will notice. 

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-drama-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:0318d55b-2836-4d83-b1b1-8e8c3064dee7Post:a558ac0a-8d59-437e-bf61-a79577c84e75">MOH drama</a>:
[QUOTE]i love my MOH to death really she is great but this wedding planning thing has been so hard on the relationship i think.  I feel like she is mad at me! It is a touchy situation.  She and her BF have been dating for like 6 months and talking about marriage for about 4 of them, so when my Fiance' who i have been dating just shy of a year and a half proposed i feel like it made her mad at me.  Things were fine because I actually had to wait about 2 months to get my ring so she believed she would have her proposal/ring combo before me, but when my ring came in last week it seems like things have changed.  So now i feel like i cant talk to her about the wedding because my wedding is a hassal for her and that is really hard for me to deal with i don't wanna be a bridezilla by any means, but I want my bff to be happy for me.  The drama comes from the fact that she has no idea what she wants for her wedding and while she is awaiting her proposal she is planning her wedding and while doing that she has changed like every aspect of her wedding from the original plan, the whole time telling me i cant use things i want to use and such when she ends up not using it in the end! it has been so frustrating like i found the bridesmaid dresses i wanted the 1st day i began looking and i was told i couldnt use them because they were exactly like hers and now 2 months later my wedding is fast approaching and i was forced to settle with a second choice and she has changed her mind 17 times since then! How do i polietly tell her to back off i mean i love her and dont want to hurt our friendship but the more this goes on the harder it is to even talk to her! I dont want my wedding to be a hassal to her i want her to be happy for me and i dont want to change my wedding plans to suit her it is my day and i want it my way! It's causing problems for myself and my fiance because i am allowing her to dictate things to me and he hates it! I dont know how to balance being a good friend, but not getting walked on... Also i would really like input here...is it wrong for me to be upset that she now wants to get married on my birthday, i know it seems juvenile, but for the 2 of us birthdays are a huge deal every year we make it like a birthday week every year and our birthday is always a big deal and all about that person, so it hurt me to hear that she wanted to get married that day, because that means she will not be celebrating with me for the rest of my life :-( do i have a right to be upset about this or do i just sound like a brat?
Posted by kayla21elaine[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Stop telling her about your wedding plans.  Just plan the wedding you want with your FI.  Being the MOH doesn't mean she needs to know every single detail, or that she gets to give input on any wedding details.  The only people who knew all th details of our wedding were me, H, and my mom.  The more people know about your wedding, the more ideas and opinions you will get, and the more confusing it will be.  It doesn't matter if you have the same dresses, or even the same venue.  They are 2 different weddings on 2 different days with 2 different guest lists.</div><div>
</div><div>As for the birthday, you really have no control over it.  I would be flattered if my friend had her wedding on my birthday.  And as for birthdays being a big deal, you both are soon to be married women.  I would hope the priority for birthday plans would shift to your soon to be husbands.  You have no control over the date she picks, and she should have no control over anything you pick for your wedding (except opinions on your BM dresses if she is in it).  </div><div>
</div>

aerinpegadrak

She could have a wedding with every detail identical to yours the very day after yours with the same complete guest list, and I'd be surprised if anybody (not currently planning their own wedding) made the connection.  You're putting way too much stock in how much people are going to be paying attention to that stuff.  Guests are there for the food, the booze, and the company.  Everything else is background noise.

How old are you?  Because I've never known anyone who really cared about their birthday once they got past 21.  My wedding was the same week as three family birthdays and the day after MOH's birthday, none of them cared.

MairePoppy

Stop sharing your plans with your MOH. It's that simple.
The birthday thing is silly. She probably did say that just to bother you. But so what? Do you really think the two of you are going to want to spend your 'birthday weeks' together for the rest of your lives? Probably not.

mehgan11

I say you need to sit down and talk to her about it, tell her how its making you feel.  Escpecially if she isnt even engaged yet, tell her this is your wedding and if you want something done the way you picked you shouldnt have to feel like you cant.  Also she needs to not make you feel bad for being engaged, its not a competition.

deepcovejackie

Like pp's said, stop sharing wedding plans with her.   Stop changing your plans to suit her wishes, otherwise you'll just grow a whole heap of resentment.

You'll need to let the birthday thing go too, her wedding trumps your birthday.   Your birthday is not really that big of a deal, is it?

jcamm11

It's understandable you had to share with her what BM dresses you were planning to have.  I don't think you should've caved on that, but it's too late now.  All you can do at this point is, as pp's said, stop talking wedding with her. 

Once you get married and start having families, you'll want to spend your birthday with them anyways even if you are still best friends.  It's okay to be sad as your life enters a new phase and you say goodbye to things like crazy fun birthday week, but you shouldn't be upset with her for nudging the process along.  It's going to happen.  When you're late teens to early twenties, your friends are your family, then you get a family, and your family is your family, and friends are just friends.

Muffin'sMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-drama-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:0318d55b-2836-4d83-b1b1-8e8c3064dee7Post:abc9c7a3-ed02-428f-a826-be24fd1e54be">Re: MOH drama</a>:
[QUOTE]Like pp's said, stop sharing wedding plans with her.   Stop changing your plans to suit her wishes, otherwise you'll just grow a whole heap of resentment. You'll need to let the birthday thing go too, her wedding trumps your birthday.   Your birthday is not really that big of a deal, is it?
Posted by deepcovejackie[/QUOTE]

this...

ckonidak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-drama-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:0318d55b-2836-4d83-b1b1-8e8c3064dee7Post:76e65575-ba1d-4d3d-8fe5-020490d07a86">Re: MOH drama</a>:
[QUOTE]Stop sharing your plans with your MOH. It's that simple. The birthday thing is silly. She probably did say that just to bother you. But so what? Do you really think the two of you are going to want to spend your 'birthday weeks' together for the rest of your lives? Probably not.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

This.  Also as PP have mentioned, she's not engaged yet. Do not change your plans just because she has an idea that she likes for her own wedding.  Don't let someone (anyone) treat you worse just because you got engaged. Do your best to be her <em>friend</em> first, and <em>bride/moh</em> second.

jms1019

It's not wrong for you to be upset about her wanting it to be on your birthday, but it would be wrong for you to say something about it. I'd be upset if my friend did that too, but focus on the fact that you and your husband will get to celebrate your birthday every year together, plus if and when you have kids it will be more a family affaire and anniversaries usually just involve the married couple, so it's not like you'll use mutual friends. Like many of the wise pp have said, plan it the way you want, let her know the dress she needs to get, wheither it looks like her planned one or not, and focus on the happy times.

Enami

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-drama-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:0318d55b-2836-4d83-b1b1-8e8c3064dee7Post:ab87c052-52d8-49f6-99c1-6e48ac868437">Re: MOH drama</a>:
[QUOTE] How old are you?  Because I've never known anyone who really cared about their birthday once they got past 21.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

Random side note, but everyone in my family celebrates birthdays. From my youngest cousin (5) to my grandmother (83). I know everybody's birthday months, if not the dates, and that's for about 60 people. Maybe my family is just weird?

kayla21elaine

ii never said anything about the birthday and it like every other plan she has made...it changed, and i am 20 so maybe that is why this is still a big deal, but had it been anyone else i wouldnt care its just that she is my person, my family, and it just sort of hurt to realize that it's changing.  I agree that as you get married and grow older the way you celebrate birthdays changes and i appreciate the comments because it really has helped me understand her point of view...its just that i know her fiance and birthdays will still be my area for her to make sure hers is great and so i sort of assumed that it would be the same for me, but i guess i realize that i am going to want my birthday to be with my fiance and include her if possible....i just didnt like the option of never having her involved.

Also i have stopped letting her know the wedding details and i was sort of upset about that at 1st but i realized that it's my day and i dont have to check in with her every time, i think i was doing that because i dont have my mom to share all this with, and i was trying to use her to fill that void, but things are better now i have realized as the day grows closer how little i care about the wedding and how excited i am to marry the love of my life!  So thanks for all your comments some of them really helped me realize that this was a juvenile thing, it hurts but i suppose things change as you grow up. Now my focus is on my new life and the exciting things that are going to happen!

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-drama-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:0318d55b-2836-4d83-b1b1-8e8c3064dee7Post:fbe02eae-b81e-4787-aae0-a2298ffb9982">Re: MOH drama</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH drama : Random side note, but everyone in my family celebrates birthdays. From my youngest cousin (5) to my grandmother (83). I know everybody's birthday months, if not the dates, and that's for about 60 people. Maybe my family is just weird?
Posted by Enami[/QUOTE]
DH's family will usually all go out to eat for someone's birthday, but that's the extent of it.  My family's more spread out, so it's usually just a phone call/text message/Facebook wall spam on birthdays, and that's just for immediate family.  I've heard from multiple people in having a similar discussion that birthdays don't really matter as much once you can legally drink.