FMIL Mouthfull

mstia30

Hello knotties,

My name is Tia and i have been on here for some time just not very active. However i need your input ladies. My FMIL has stated that she may not come to our wedding!!!

background info: FI and i attended HS together but didnt meet and date until August 2009, just recently got engaged. He has 2 children from a previous relationship ages 2 and 8, and that woman has issues!!! Me and my FMIL started off really great, she would invite me over for dinner weekly, bought things for our place together! But once his kids mother displayed anguish over him moving on, his mother did a complete 180. To the extreme of putting me out of her house because the kids mom was upset that i was over there for the holiday last year. It has now been almost a year since we have spoken, i sent a letter as some sort of olive branch and she hasn't responded. She told his God-mother that she may not attend the wedding. My FI of course is upset and told me it doesnt matter if she is there or not...but who really wants to get married without their parents? (his father died of cancer 5 years ago)

My dream would be for everyone to be able to get along and it be a very happy occassion! I have been stressing and crying over this the last few months and I cant control any of it!

So at this point i dont know what to do, especially since my planning is underway and the holidays are approaching....HELP Please!!!

trix1223

Your FI talks with his mom and tells her that it's very important to him to be at HIS wedding.  This should not be your issue, it's completely in the domain of your FI.

Then, you send her an invitation.  If she chooses to come, she's there.  If she declines the invitation, you say "I'm so sorry to hear that you won't be with us.  You'll be missed".

Sorry she's being a pill.

Kristin789

FMIL is FI's mother.  She's HIS business.  So HE can choose to talk to her, or not talk to her about her behavior.

FI's ex is FI's ex-wife.  She's HIS business.  HE can choose how to interact with her and his kids.

As you point out at the end of your message, none of this is under your control.  Move on.

oceana919

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-mouthfull?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:0393b73b-4809-4934-8c00-9a8448802ee2Post:0795e164-adc5-4db5-a497-8ed4acdf4178">Re: FMIL Mouthfull</a>:
[QUOTE]FMIL is FI's mother.  She's HIS business.  So HE can choose to talk to her, or not talk to her about her behavior. FI's ex is FI's ex-wife.  She's HIS business.  HE can choose how to interact with her and his kids. As you point out at the end of your message, none of this is under your control.  Move on.
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

I am Oceana, and I approve of this message.

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-mouthfull?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:0393b73b-4809-4934-8c00-9a8448802ee2Post:0487775a-5730-4dd4-b093-4c884129de71">FMIL Mouthfull</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello knotties, My name is Tia and i have been on here for some time just not very active. However i need your input ladies. My FMIL has stated that she may not come to our wedding!!! background info: FI and i attended HS together but didnt meet and date until August 2009, just recently got engaged. He has 2 children from a previous relationship ages 2 and 8, and that woman has issues!!! Me and my FMIL started off really great, she would invite me over for dinner weekly, bought things for our place together! But once his kids mother displayed anguish over him moving on, his mother did a complete 180. <strong>To the extreme of putting me out of her house because the kids mom was upset that i was over there for the holiday last year.</strong> It has now been almost a year since we have spoken, i sent a letter as some sort of olive branch and she hasn't responded. She told his God-mother that she may not attend the wedding. My FI of course is upset and told me it doesnt matter if she is there or not...but who really wants to get married without their parents? (his father died of cancer 5 years ago) My dream would be for everyone to be able to get along and it be a very happy occassion! I have been stressing and crying over this the last few months and I cant control any of it! So at this point i dont know what to do, especially since my planning is underway and the holidays are approaching....HELP Please!!!
Posted by mstia30[/QUOTE]

At this point, your FI should have thrown down the gauntlet.  You don't have a FMIL problem, you have a FI problem.

NatandIsaac

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-mouthfull?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:0393b73b-4809-4934-8c00-9a8448802ee2Post:0487775a-5730-4dd4-b093-4c884129de71">FMIL Mouthfull</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello knotties, My name is Tia and i have been on here for some time just not very active. However i need your input ladies. My FMIL has stated that she may not come to our wedding!!! background info: FI and i attended HS together but didnt meet and date until August 2009, just recently got engaged. He has 2 children from a previous relationship ages 2 and 8, and that woman has issues!!! Me and my FMIL started off really great, she would invite me over for dinner weekly, bought things for our place together! But once his kids mother displayed anguish over him moving on, his mother did a complete 180. <strong>To the extreme of putting me out of her house</strong> because the kids mom was upset that i was over there for the holiday last year. It has now been almost a year since we have spoken, i sent a letter as some sort of olive branch and she hasn't responded. She told his God-mother that she may not attend the wedding. My FI of course is upset and told me it doesnt matter if she is there or not...but who really wants to get married without their parents? (his father died of cancer 5 years ago) My dream would be for everyone to be able to get along and it be a very happy occassion! I have been stressing and crying over this the last few months and I cant control any of it! So at this point i dont know what to do, especially since my planning is underway and the holidays are approaching....HELP Please!!!
Posted by mstia30[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I suppose it's your FMIL's house and she can do as she wishes, but did your FI at least leave with you. I certainly hope so.

</div>

mstia30

I agree ladies its HIS issue to deal with. We have talked about it and he has stood up for me, but that has equaled him and his mother noit talking and him not visiting her like he use to. I just dont want to be the reason behind all this, but I guess it is what it is!

Thank you ladies for yout advice!!!

mstia30

Yes he left with me and I havent been back since!

NatandIsaac

Well, it sounds as if you and your FI are doing the best you can under the circumstances. You extended the olive branch, but you can't make her take it. "You can't cure crazy." Anyways, it's her loss; she is the one is alienating herself from family.

ichellemay1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-mouthfull?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:0393b73b-4809-4934-8c00-9a8448802ee2Post:37c178e4-487d-4fea-9af9-4ccdfc89e76f">Re: FMIL Mouthfull</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes he left with me and I havent been back since!
Posted by mstia30[/QUOTE]

That is good he supported you at that time.  I agree with PP invite her and if she comes to the wedding, great.  If not, that is her choice.

waltzingmatilda13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-mouthfull?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:0393b73b-4809-4934-8c00-9a8448802ee2Post:a7074113-03cf-4918-be83-25bb0960b0b5">Re: FMIL Mouthfull</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree ladies its HIS issue to deal with. We have talked about it and he has stood up for me, but that has equaled him and his mother noit talking and him not visiting her like he use to. <strong>I just dont want to be the reason behind all this,</strong> but I guess it is what it is! Thank you ladies for yout advice!!!
Posted by mstia30[/QUOTE]

It sounds like she would have reacted this way to any woman who came along.  As long as your FI is on your side, then you should just move on. At this point she's just acting like a child and hopefully she will see the error of her ways when she realizes that her over reaction is not going to change anything.

lisab613

i have no advice to give, but i'm really sorry this is happening to you. i hope you can try not to let it dampen your enthusiasm for your wedding. as pps have said, it's clearly her problem, and there's nothing you can do.

roaaoife

There's very little you can do here. Your FI has stood up for you and is still marrying you.  He has clearly picked you as more important, and really that's the way it should be.  In time, FMIL will either realize that if she wants to be involved with her family, she will have to grow up, or she won't, and that will be sad, but it's her choice.  

And let me be clear: YOU ARE NOT THE CAUSE OF THIS. SHE IS.  It is her choice to refuse to talk to you.  It is her choice to not come to the wedding.  You re not responsible for her or anyone else's choices.  

kellya01

The only logical thing I can think about how your FMIL is acting is this:  

In some highly conservative families or religions, even if the divorce is legal according to your municipality and/or state, if one of the partners wants to get back together to reconcile the relationship, the family may support the couple "Trying again" on their relationship, and will do everything in their power to keep the other partner from "moving on" until they know that every resource to reconcile the relationship has been exhausted.  

It doesn't make much sense to modern culture, but it does if you think early 1900's and pre-1900's.  

It could be that after the children's mother expressed some "anguish" (your words) about the father moving on romantically and possibly getting married again... the FMIL interpreted this as the mother of the children is still interested in reconciling the relationship with the father of the children.  Your FMIL could be harboring some resentment for the fact that he got married, had children, and got divorced.  She could have some underlying feelings of "what did I do wrong" which may be contributing to her attitude now.  Some moms feel like that when their children do things that they consider wrong, even if in the eyes of the law, they did nothing wrong (does that make sense?).  

The logic behind such belief is a little twisted, especially when it is clear that your FI moved on from that relationship and is now with you and you're planning a momentous wedding for the two of you.  You'll be a stepmother for those children, if he has any kind of custody arrangement.  However, this could all be contributing to why the FMIL has gone so crazy on you! 

Keep supporting each other, and if FMIL won't support the wedding, that's her choice to make.  You may not want her at the wedding if all she's going to do is talk about the previous wife, the kids, and why her son shouldn't have gotten married again.  Who knows... someone harboring resentment can do some really illogical things sometimes. 

mstia30

Thank you ladies fr the advice and the support. I really appreciate it!!!

Muffin'sMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-mouthfull?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:0393b73b-4809-4934-8c00-9a8448802ee2Post:b6f97311-51c2-4d7a-bf56-740ec7808af4">Re: FMIL Mouthfull</a>:
[QUOTE]There's very little you can do here. Your FI has stood up for you and is still marrying you.  He has clearly picked you as more important, and really that's the way it should be.  In time, FMIL will either realize that if she wants to be involved with her family, she will have to grow up, or she won't, and that will be sad, but it's her choice.   And let me be clear: YOU ARE NOT THE CAUSE OF THIS. SHE IS.   It is her choice to refuse to talk to you.  It is her choice to not come to the wedding.  You re not responsible for her or anyone else's choices.  
Posted by roaaoife[/QUOTE]

This......