Mother refuses to come to the wedding (long)

ItalianViolinist

Hi ladies,

I'm just venting/trying to calm myself down by posting this. My mother called me earlier today and informed me she was not coming to my wedding in August. She says the reason is because I invited my half sisters and brothers (from my dad's first marriage) and they have been shown enormous animosity towards my mom in the past when my parents got married... 30 years ago. My half sibs haven't talked to my mom at all since then. In fact, last year when one of their siblings died, they actually went through this whole renewal thing where they forgave/said they were sorry to everyone in their lives they had hurt, including my mother! My half brother even called my mom to say he was sorry for the way they treated her in the past. My mom thinks they will be mean to her, make her feel uncomfortable, or even physically attack her. I think she's nuts! I don't think that will happen!

Here's the thing. I asked my mom long ago if it was ok to invite them to the wedding. I figured, if they feel awkward (as my mom does), they'll decline. At least I extended the invitation, and they could decide if they wanted to come or not. I totally made sure it was ok with her before I invited them! She said it was ok! Now she's changing her mind.

My half sister (who is the only half sibling coming) is coming with her 9 year old daughter. It'll be her daughter's birthday on my wedding weekend, so she figured, why not make a trip out of it? The fact that she's coming with her daughter and she's a guest at my wedding really makes me believe that nothing will happen. I really think my mom is being paranoid/ridiculous.

I can understand my mother being uncomfortable, but to completely skip my wedding day all together... I just don't get it. I asked her, "Can't you just hold it together for 5 hours? I'll even seat you at opposite sides of the reception hall. You're going to regret this for the rest of your life." My mom replied that she was at peace with not coming to my wedding.

I am so hurt. I've been a mess all afternoon. Has this ever happened to any of you ladies? If so, what was the result? Did your mom/family member change their mind and come in the end?

SSaltzman87

I'm so incredibly sorry you're going through this. No mother should do that to their child, you shouldn't be 'punished' for something you didn't even do. Maybe your dad could be of help in this. Your mom's obviously not completely over the hurt she experienced 30 years ago, there could be more to the story.

sarah42nd

That totally sucks but one thing I have learned is you can only change your behavior and no one elses . So the only thing you can really say to your mom is ' I understand and the invitation  is always open for you to come to the wedding .' Hopefully your mom  gets 'over it'.

ItalianViolinist

That totally sucks but one thing I have learned is you can only change your behavior and no one elses . So the only thing you can really say to your mom is ' I understand and the invitation  is always open for you to come to the wedding .' Hopefully your mom  gets 'over it'.
Posted by sarah42nd

So true. My dad tells me that all the time.

I see you're getting married very soon! Congratulations!

Thank you both for your sweet words.

sarah42nd

Thanks ! I am super excited . Getting all the last minute touches done. 

MairePoppy

My husband's family members like to play that game. Whenever there is a family reunion, wedding, or funeral, the threats start. This one isn't coming if so and so is going to be there. It's always been that way. In over 30 years, I can remember 2 incidents where fathers, didn't show up for their daughter's weddings. So it happens, but there is nothing you can do about it. Our policy is: invite everybody, if they don't want to come, it's their loss.

If your mom wants to be at your wedding, she will be there regardless of who is and isn't invited. If she doesn't want to be there, she will find an excuse. Tell her you hope she comes to your wedding and you are sad that she is at peace with letting you down.

Good luck.

Catwoman708

Tell her that you are hurt that her spite towards your half siblings is more important to her than her daughter's happiness on her wedding day, and that you will miss her terribly if she doesn't attend.

ItalianViolinist

Thank you all for your comments and advice. I really appreciate it.

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-refuses-come-wedding-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:04fbcaa8-1c08-4941-897e-2ff1e9d04c9dPost:ddf0505c-76fb-4362-9dea-fe0ec1e189e0">Re: Mother refuses to come to the wedding (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Tell her that you are hurt that her spite towards your half siblings is more important to her than her daughter's happiness on her wedding day, and that you will miss her terribly if she doesn't attend.
Posted by Catwoman708[/QUOTE]

This.  It's really too bad when parents can't let go of their bitterness and try to make their children take their "side."  It's heartbreaking when they do it to little kids and just pathetic when they keep the "you're with me or agaisnt me" attitude with adult children. 

NOLAbridealmost

I am willing to bet big money that she'll attend your wedding.  Even if you invite them. I am sure that in her perfect world they wouldn't be there, but I think she is just posturing herself in hopes that you won't invite them lest your mother not show up.  It's very immature of her, and I am very sorry that you are going through this. 

I wouldn't give in to her. It would just further encourage her--a grown woman--to act like a passive aggressive baby.  

ItalianViolinist

NOLA, I completely agree. At this point, I'm just going to keep my distance from her until she comes to the realization that this is completely unfair and absurd, if you ask me. I won't give in, no way. How can you "un-invite" someone? I would never do that... that is so rude, and my mother must know better.

phunluvin82

If I were you, I would write her a hand-written letter telling her all of these things...like that you DID clear this with her first and SHE is the one changing her mind, that only one sibling is coming and surely cannot be planning to initiate a brawl of some sort with her 9 year old, and how upset and disappointed you will be if she chooses to miss one of the most important days of your life.  I say this b/c when I have issues like this with people, I find it much easier to express myself correctly (and without being interrupted) if I put it in writing.  I would focus on the latter part about how upset you will be if she does not come, and stress that it is her choice and you can't force her to do anything, but you hope she will choose to be there.  I agree that you should absolutely NOT give in, or un-invite anyone at this point.  You are not in the wrong...so make sure she knows how you feel and then hope that she comes to her senses.