Pushy Mother

healedandfree

My groom-to-be and I are very laid back people and are getting married in October, 2011. Every time I talk to my mother on the phone, she always brings up the smallest details about our wedding and nit-picks my decisions to death! She thinks because she's paying that she can do whatever she wants. Examples: she wants a string-quartet for the ceremony (refer back to the fact that my fiance and I are laid back!), she wants me to make my brother's girlfriend a BM and we aren't close at all, etc...But it's always something! Can I please get advice on how to nicely tell her to stop pushing things on us as we plan our wedding? I don't want to be stressed for the next 6 months!!

TeresaB2011

I can't give you advise on how to nicely tell mom to back off but I can give you another thing to think about...although it may be aggravating to you at least you have her to plan with and pay for your wedding.  Try and see the brighter side of this.  You could always have what I have...a mother not at all interested in her daughters wedding and oh yes, not coming because she cannot afford a plane ticket (which is bull). 

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_pushy-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:05df0a0a-eef1-4307-9527-8a3919bce71dPost:469ed428-ccc0-4737-b8d5-c4639213060e">Pushy Mother</a>:
[QUOTE]My groom-to-be and I are very laid back people and are getting married in October, 2011. Every time I talk to my mother on the phone, she always brings up the smallest details about our wedding and nit-picks my decisions to death! <strong>She thinks because she's paying that she can do whatever she wants. </strong>Examples: she wants a string-quartet for the ceremony (refer back to the fact that my fiance and I are laid back!), she wants me to make my brother's girlfriend a BM and we aren't close at all, etc...But it's always something! Can I please get advice on how to nicely tell her to stop pushing things on us as we plan our wedding? I don't want to be stressed for the next 6 months!!
Posted by healedandfree[/QUOTE]
Sorry to break it to you, but that's pretty much how it works.  The person paying sets the rules, not the person accepting the money.  If you want to take back control, decline her money and pay for your party yourself.  You can try talking to her and explaining what sort of wedding you want to have, but ultimately, she gets to decide how her money is spent.

LoveMuffins

If you're that laid back of a bride, then why not just let her have what she wants on the details? I call myself a laid back bride, but that's because when my Mom, who is graciously paying, wants me to research mini flower pots because she thinks they'd be cute place card holders for our plantable place cards, even though I can't imagine a way in which it wouldn't look kinda cheap and possibly tacky looking, I say "Ok mom" and then send her an email with a bunch of mini-flower pots as well as a bunch of fall-themed place card holders that I tell her "I think these are pretty and would go really well with the decor, let me know what you want.". And then when she writes back saying that her co-workers think things will look prettier without place card holders at all, so she doesn't think we should do them anymore, I just say "Ok."

That's a laid back bride. What's wrong with a string quartet? That sounds beautiful. Although, I can agree with putting your foot down about choosing your own bridal party. Paying or not, that's one thing she doesn't get to do. But for little details... if you're truly laid back then why fight her on them? Esp since she's graciously paying?

If you don't like her nitpicking, and are only putting up with it because she's paying, then graciously decline her offer of footing the bill and pay for it yourselves. I don't think you mean to sound ungrateful or like you're just as pushy as she is, but you do a little.

earnshaw1000

Really, the only thing she doesn't have a say in is your bridesmaids.  So I wouldn't feel obligated to have you brother's girlfriend as a BM.  But as for everything else, yes she has a say.  Having said that, the way I would handle it is to let her handle it.  If she wants a string quartet, then fine...let her book one.  If she's telling you all these details and expecting you to book it all, then you could just "forget" or claim misunderstanding (gee Mom, when you said you really wanted the string quartet, I thought that meant you would be booking it.  Oops, looks like it's too late now!).

SSaltzman87

I don't think OP is saying that her mom shouldn't have an opinion, but how she's expressing it is the issue.

I think having an honest talk with her is necessary, also the art of compromise would be a good idea. If you're able to contribute more financially, that might give you an upper hand as well.

AmberLafo

I'm kinda in the same boat.  While I am paying for everything else, my mother is paying for the reception hall rental, and the meal.  We agreed on 100 guests.  Now, my mother is trying to cut me back to 75 or fewer, and now insisting since she's paying, I can no longer invite my aunt and uncle becuase she doesn't want them there. 

What's more horrifying, is that she is airing our family's dirty laundry about this to my bridal party, and everyone who will listen.

When I ask my dad, he tells me to invite who I want (up to the agreed 100 people) and don't worry about it, but I'm afraid last minute, when I don't have the extra cash to foot the bill, she will pull her money out.

I feel your pain!

TootsieK

Amber, can you tell your mom to scale back the reception menu to a price where she can afford 100 people?

AmberLafo

It's honestly not a matter of affording it. I was planning on paying for it myself before she offered to pay.  My dad said the same thing.  It's a matter of she wants to take over and have her friends.  This is becoming a social event for her rather than being "my" day.  (Apparently a common occurence on that side of the family.)

She's been telling everyone that she's paying, so she's saying who can and can't attend.

Just an update:  I have since told her if she didn't like my decisions, then I would pay for it myself and she didn't have to attend.  She wasn't happy, but at least I feel a bit better.  We shall see how it plays out.  She is intentionally hurting many people by being like this and I refuse to let her.

OuachitaTrixie

OP : i get what your saying ( i think).  My FI and I are also "laid back" and we want our wedding to reflect our style.  My mom wants us to have a "Cinderella" wedding that rivals (and beats) all of her friends' daughters' weddings.  If she has her way it will be stunning, but it won't be US.  We will feel like actors in a play instead of feeling like the whole day is honoring us.  My mom also controls the finances.  We are currently quite annoyed with each other.  :P