Wedding dress search and uncooperative bridesmaids

nicole91

My two best friends and I had a date to go wedding dress shopping for me (first time I've ever gone). My maid of honor is from out of town so she spent the night with my other friend and I, and we had plans to go look for dresses the next day. Well the next day came and they woke up 3 hours later than we were planning to, and then my bridesmaid said she didn't want to go wedding dress shopping she wanted to go back home for the day to visit her parents. We didn't have an appointment, it was a walk-in store but then they start saying how they want to go shopping for their dresses instead. I'm trying to get us all on a good day to go because the place I have decided I'd like to go shopping at requires an appointment but when I mention it to them they just act like it's not a big deal or as if they don't think we're really going to go so they're like "okay whatever." I know I'm way more excited than them about it, after all they aren't getting married, but when I said "How about this day?" they were both saying how they were planning on going back home to visit their parents (we're in college so they go home a lot).

I try not to make big deals out of things so I'm kind of like okay well we'll find a dress we still have time (wedding is in 9 months), but my fiance and another friend of mine says I have to put my foot down and tell them a date when we have to go because they both agreed to be my maid of honor and bridesmaid. I purposely plan it around their schedules so they aren't inconvenienced. It's just not my character to "boss" them around and be a bridezilla telling the when to go shopping with me, how should I approach this to them without sounding mean? I really like things done ahead of time so I don't stress out later, which is why I want to go this early and I hear most people shop this early anyway for wedding dresses.


EDIT:the thing is they really wanna go, and if I say I'm going without them they get upset...but when the time comes for them to come with me they dont wanna go.

aerinpegadrak

Your FI and your friend are wrong.  None of your friends, regardless of title, are obligated to go wedding dress shopping with you.  And trust me, watching other people try on clothing is boring, no matter what kind of clothing or how much they love you.  Personally, I'd probably find an excuse to bail on watching a friend try on dresses, too, especially because my free time is spread very thin, so it's no exaggeration that doing laundry/dishes/other housework might legitimately take priority over shopping.

Just continue trying to work with their schedules.  You don't have to go shopping with both of them at once; in fact, generally the fewer people you take with you, the better.  Maybe another friend or relative would be more interested in helping you shop.  Maybe you could just go alone and have the consultants help you out.  You can take your FI with you if you're not particularly attached to the silly superstition of him not seeing the dress before the wedding (and a lot of women go this route, since he's presumably the person whose opinion matters most to you).

Remember that it's fine for YOU to be planning early and getting things squared away, but you can't force other people to keep to your timeframe.

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_wedding-dress-search-uncooperative-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:06148b32-31c2-4e87-87c7-90aad4f4afe7Post:07dad005-942a-436b-9038-8415dd574979">Wedding dress search and uncooperative bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]My two best friends and I had a date to go wedding dress shopping for me (first time I've ever gone). My maid of honor is from out of town so she spent the night with my other friend and I, and we had plans to go look for dresses the next day. Well the next day came and they woke up 3 hours later than we were planning to, and then my bridesmaid said she didn't want to go wedding dress shopping she wanted to go back home for the day to visit her parents. We didn't have an appointment, it was a walk-in store but then they start saying how they want to go shopping for their dresses instead. I'm trying to get us all on a good day to go because the place I have decided I'd like to go shopping at requires an appointment but when I mention it to them they just act like it's not a big deal or as if they don't think we're really going to go so they're like "okay whatever." I know I'm way more excited than them about it, after all they aren't getting married, but when I said "How about this day?" they were both saying how they were planning on going back home to visit their parents (we're in college so they go home a lot). I try not to make big deals out of things so I'm kind of like okay well we'll find a dress we still have time (wedding is in 9 months), but my fiance and another friend of mine says I have to put my foot down and tell them a date when we have to go because they both agreed to be my maid of honor and bridesmaid. I purposely plan it around their schedules so they aren't inconvenienced. It's just not my character to "boss" them around and be a bridezilla telling the when to go shopping with me, how should I approach this to them without sounding mean? I really like things done ahead of time so I don't stress out later, which is why I want to go this early and I hear most people shop this early anyway for wedding dresses.
Posted by nicole91[/QUOTE]

<div>Ditto to aerin. If this is looking for your dress, then it seems that is not their cup of tea so I would not hound them for a date for them both to be there because technically they don't have to be. The ultimate decision will be yours anyway so there really is no need to extra people to be there unless they want to be there. Like aerin said, you can always just take one then the other if they are interested in going but do not force or guilt trip them into coming.<span style="font-size:10.8px;" class="Apple-style-span"> </span></div>

melissamc2

As the pps have stated, no one is under any obligation to go gown shopping with you, regardless of their "title," including MoB.  With what you've described, I think it seems pretty clear to me that they just don't want to do it.  If they were right there at your house with a planned time to do it and STILL didn't...I wouldn't push the issue anymore.  You'll just seem overbearing to them and frustrate yourself.

I actually don't advocat taking ANYONE with you the first trip out, anyway.  I think it's good for a bride to get a feel for how she feels about different styles on her before dragging in other opinions.

Take a day to yourself and spend it trying on gowns and figuring out what you like.  Narrow it down to three or four and THEN ask for opinions (if you feel you want/need any).  People may be more inclined to go for a "final verdict" look than cold dress shopping.

Good luck and congratulations on your engagement!

quotequeen

I have to put my foot down and tell them a date when we have to go because they both agreed to be my maid of honor and bridesmaid

That doesn't mean you get to treat them like children or like your minions.  Being in your wedding in no way obligates them to go shopping with you for your dress.

They have clearly demonstrated that they aren't interested in going.  Just drop it and go with somebody else or by yourself.

artbyallie

I don't think you should go wedding dress shopping alone, at least when you actually intend to order one. However, only bring people who will be supportive and actually want to come. In my case, I did have a rather large entourage, but my mom, aunt, cousin/MOH, and both grandmothers really, REALLY wanted to be there. If you have to drag someone along, just leave them at home instead.

quotequeen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_wedding-dress-search-uncooperative-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:06148b32-31c2-4e87-87c7-90aad4f4afe7Post:3aae374d-6675-4738-bab8-d140523650af">Re: Wedding dress search and uncooperative bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think you should go wedding dress shopping alone, at least when you actually intend to order one. However, only bring people who will be supportive and actually want to come. In my case, I did have a rather large entourage, but my mom, aunt, cousin/MOH, and both grandmothers really, REALLY wanted to be there. If you have to drag someone along, just leave them at home instead.
Posted by artbyallie[/QUOTE]

I meant to go alone if there's nobody that's excited about going with you.  You're not going to have a good experience if you're dragging the people there.

jessienjeremy

I never get when people say that BM's have no obligation to do anything for you like wedding dress shop... I happen to disagree... I have been a BM's in many weddings and I felt like it was my duty to do more than just show up. That is what friends are for.  All of my bridesmids wanted to go dress shopping and they are all super excited about it all.  My MOH was hurt bc I went and got my dress with my mom and FMIL.  I guess things are just different down where I am from.

If you are BM dress shopping then yes they need to be there. You do need to put your foot down.. If your wedding dress shopping and they dont have an interest.. why would you want them  their anyway?

duckie1905

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_wedding-dress-search-uncooperative-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:06148b32-31c2-4e87-87c7-90aad4f4afe7Post:07dad005-942a-436b-9038-8415dd574979">Wedding dress search and uncooperative bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE] but my fiance and another friend of mine says I have to put my foot down and tell them a date when we have to go because they both agreed to be my maid of honor and bridesmaid.
Posted by nicole91[/QUOTE]

HAHA!  If I were your BM and you "put your foot down" about me having to go shopping with YOU for YOUR dress I'd tell you where to shove it.

Wedding dress shopping for anyone but myself is horribly boring-and I didn't really like shopping for mine, either.

Don't force them to go.  You are perfectly capable of picking a dress without them sitting in the room with you.

heyimbren

Your BMs absolutely do not have to go wedding dress shopping with you. Some girls just don't like it. That isn't part of beign in a WP.

However, some BMs do like to do that and will go willingly- I'd have no problem doing it for one. However, I'm not obligated to go with a friend just because I'm a BM.

They don't "need" to be there at all- why do they need to be there? Do they "need" to pick out the dress you'll wear? There isn't a single reason that necessitates BMs having to go wedding dress shopping.

But there also isn't anything wrong with them wanting to go.

At the same time OP, I can understand your frustration with them cancelling plans. If they didn't want to do it in the first place, I think they should have said so- but you should have made it optional for them to come or not come. I do hate it when people break plans for "not feeling like it" once they've already said they'll do something.

trix1223

Put your foot down and demand that they come with you to buy YOUR dress?  hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.  ::stops for breath:: hahahahahahahahahahahah

Seriously, darlin'.  Your dress.  Your shopping trip.  No one is obligated to attend.  And how much fun will it be to go dress shopping with people who don't want to be there and are rolling their eyes, sighing loudly, and making snarky comments.

 Because that's exactly what you'll have if you "put your foot down and demand that they come with you."

quotequeen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_wedding-dress-search-uncooperative-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:06148b32-31c2-4e87-87c7-90aad4f4afe7Post:f72f767b-d15e-4361-885b-326667245523">Re: Wedding dress search and uncooperative bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]I never get when people say that BM's have no obligation to do anything for you like wedding dress shop... I happen to disagree... I have been a BM's in many weddings and I felt like it was my duty to do more than just show up. That is what friends are for.  All of my bridesmids wanted to go dress shopping and they are all super excited about it all.  My MOH was hurt bc I went and got my dress with my mom and FMIL.  I guess things are just different down where I am from. If you are BM dress shopping then yes they need to be there. You do need to put your foot down.. If your wedding dress shopping and they dont have an interest.. why would you want them  their anyway?
Posted by jessienjeremy[/QUOTE]

If your BMs happen to <em>want</em> to go wedding dress shopping with you then that's great.  But if they don't want to go, that doesn't make them bad BMs or bad friends.  Same for anything else.  It's really nice if they offer, it's really nice if they are excited, but they aren't obligated.  It's not a requirement to be a BM.  So you can't force them to do it, and whining about how they aren't just makes you look entitled and bratty.

TheCranberry

Are they the type who usually like to go shopping?  Do you guys shop for formal dresses/shoes or other clothes in regular times?  If they don't like to shop, you probably shouldn't be surprised that they don't want to come with you.

I agree that technically your bridesmaids aren't there to help plan your wedding, but let's be honest, you expect your friends to be happy for you and want to help you.  Since you asked them to be your BM's I assume they've helped you with things in the past and you've supported them as well.  Do you think you could be overdosing on wedding stuff?  Take a few steps back.  Remember that not everyone wants to talk about wedding stuff every time they see you.  Try not to get too worked up about things.  You will be able to pick out the perfect dress for you!

Kristin789

Traditionally, the MOB goes dress shopping with the bride.  If the MOB cannot or is deceased, the bride asks an older female relative like an aunt or grandmother or sister.

I have never heard of the bride going dress shopping with the MOH or BMs.  Clearly they're not that into you and your dress. So call your mom or your aunt or someone else.

AlmostMrsStrong

I've been on these forums for about a month now, and all I've seen are heated replies on what the BMs and MOHs are not obligated to do. So...does the wedding party have any responsibilities or not? Personally, if I had someone in my WP who wanted nothing to do with helping me plan my wedding, then they can just be a guest and I'll pick someone to replace them who can actually help me instead of stress me out further.

OP, in this instance, it sounds like your friends like the idea of helping you pick your dress more than actually doing it. I suggest having them look at dresses online with you to help you get an idea of what to show the people who work in the dress shop. Then, bring your mom, MOG (if she wants to go), and one bridesmaid who will for sure show up when you ask her to go. And good luck finding the perfect dress, honey.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_wedding-dress-search-uncooperative-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:06148b32-31c2-4e87-87c7-90aad4f4afe7Post:21c4e490-a9b5-43f5-b7ac-b328026916cb">Re: Wedding dress search and uncooperative bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]I've been on these forums for about a month now, and all I've seen are heated replies on what the BMs and MOHs are not obligated to do. So...does the wedding party have any responsibilities or not? Personally, if I had someone in my WP who wanted nothing to do with helping me plan my wedding, then they can just be a guest and I'll pick someone to replace them who can actually help me instead of stress me out further.Posted by AlmostMrsStrong[/QUOTE]

The duty of the WP is to show up at the wedding and stand up with the couple. It's an honour to be chosen, not an employment opportunity.

Hopefully, most BMs will WANT to help- but not all will want to help in all ways. It's the idea that a lot of brides come on here complaining that their BMs won't help plan their wedding. But it isn't the wedding of the BMs. It doesn't make sense to have them help plan it.

You shouldn't be picking people based on what they'll do for you during your wedding, but it should be based on how close you are to them. Too many brides expect all sorts of ridiculous things from the WP that have nothing to do with them.

As a BM, there are some things I would do for my friend and there are other things I'd draw the line at. But the only thing they MUST do to be a BM is show up and support the couple on the wedding day. Anything else is extra.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_wedding-dress-search-uncooperative-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:06148b32-31c2-4e87-87c7-90aad4f4afe7Post:21c4e490-a9b5-43f5-b7ac-b328026916cb">Re: Wedding dress search and uncooperative bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]I've been on these forums for about a month now, and all I've seen are heated replies on what the BMs and MOHs are not obligated to do. So...does the wedding party have any responsibilities or not? Personally, if I had someone in my WP who wanted nothing to do with helping me plan my wedding, then they can just be a guest and I'll pick someone to replace them who can actually help me instead of stress me out further. OP, in this instance, it sounds like your friends like the idea of helping you pick your dress more than actually doing it. I suggest having them look at dresses online with you to help you get an idea of what to show the people who work in the dress shop. Then, bring your mom, MOG (if she wants to go), and one bridesmaid who will for sure show up when you ask her to go. And good luck finding the perfect dress, honey. :)
Posted by AlmostMrsStrong[/QUOTE]
Riddle me this: would you prefer to have a friend at your side helping happily because she genuinely wants to make you happy and make your wedding special, or do you want her there dragging her feet and rolling her eyes because she just wants to keep you from pitching a fit and telling her how bad a friend she is?

People don't like being told what to do, plain and simple.  Everything I've ever heard (and what I've experienced personally) says that brides who ask the most get the least, and brides who ask the least get the most.

AlmostMrsStrong

I agree that no one wants to be a BM for a Bridezilla, or do anything for said BZ when she pitches a fit. However, I don't think that the WP's only responsibility is to show up and look pretty; I expect that of our guests. I expect (yes, expect) the WP to help me and my FI when we can't me Mr. and Ms. Marvel and do everything on our own. Am I going to demand their help and throw hissy fits? No, I'm not a toddler. I would like to think that if they are in our wedding, they want to help make it a wonderful day to be enjoyed by everyone.

aerinpegadrak

But what if they're not able to help?  What if they'd rather eat a gun barrel then tie a hundred favor bows?  What if things start getting hectic for them and they just can't focus on you?  Do you really want to be one of the brides coming here and bitching that her bridesmaids aren't pulling their weight?

It's frankly irresponsible to be planning a wedding that's beyond what you and your FI can handle together and just expect other people to pick up the slack.  That's when people hire planners, or scale back their plans to what they can handle.  I know personally, my WP are my closest friends, and since I don't expect them to be at my beck and call and assisting me with menial tasks under any other circumstances, I didn't expect it for the wedding.

quotequeen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_wedding-dress-search-uncooperative-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:06148b32-31c2-4e87-87c7-90aad4f4afe7Post:c9cc49f5-d7de-42e8-9d07-702841ca22bf">Re: Wedding dress search and uncooperative bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree that no one wants to be a BM for a Bridezilla, or do anything for said BZ when she pitches a fit. However, I don't think that the WP's only responsibility is to show up and look pretty; I expect that of our guests. I expect (yes, expect) the WP to help me and my FI when we can't me Mr. and Ms. Marvel and do everything on our own. Am I going to demand their help and throw hissy fits? No, I'm not a toddler. I would like to think that if they are in our wedding, they want to help make it a wonderful day to be enjoyed by everyone.
Posted by AlmostMrsStrong[/QUOTE]

They (hopefully) want to support you in your marriage and stand next to you and be your friend.  But they are not bad friends or bad BMs if they are unable or unwilling to go dress shopping with you, stuff envelopes with you, or tie bows on favors for you.

If you choose your WP based on what they can do for you rather than how close they are to you, and then you kick your friends out of the WP because they aren't doing enough for you, then you are a bridezilla, plain and simple.

melissamc2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_wedding-dress-search-uncooperative-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:06148b32-31c2-4e87-87c7-90aad4f4afe7Post:c9cc49f5-d7de-42e8-9d07-702841ca22bf">Re: Wedding dress search and uncooperative bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree that no one wants to be a BM for a Bridezilla, or do anything for said BZ when she pitches a fit. However, I don't think that the WP's only responsibility is to show up and look pretty; I expect that of our guests.<strong> I expect (yes, expect) the WP to help me and my FI when we can't me Mr. and Ms. Marvel and do everything on our own</strong>. Am I going to demand their help and throw hissy fits? No, I'm not a toddler. I would like to think that if they are in our wedding, they want to help make it a wonderful day to be enjoyed by everyone.
Posted by AlmostMrsStrong[/QUOTE]

There is absolutely nothing necessary involved in planning a wedding that the bride and groom "can't" do on their own. 

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_wedding-dress-search-uncooperative-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:06148b32-31c2-4e87-87c7-90aad4f4afe7Post:c9cc49f5-d7de-42e8-9d07-702841ca22bf">Re: Wedding dress search and uncooperative bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree that no one wants to be a BM for a Bridezilla, or do anything for said BZ when she pitches a fit. However, I don't think that the WP's only responsibility is to show up and look pretty; I expect that of our guests. <strong>I expect (yes, expect) the WP to help me and my FI when we can't me Mr. and Ms. Marvel and do everything on our own.</strong> <strong>Am I going to demand their help and throw hissy fits? No, I'm not a toddler. I would like to think that if they are in our wedding, they want to help make it a wonderful day to be enjoyed by everyone.</strong>
Posted by AlmostMrsStrong[/QUOTE]

<div>OK, so if you are "expecting" them to help and they don't, what are you going to do? Are you going to harbor negative feelings over a friend over a stupid favor or not throwing you a Bridal Shower? Usually most people like to help their friends and family with wedding stuff because like you said, they <em>want </em>to help you. But sometimes weddings aren't some peoples things and to harbor negative feelings because you "expected" them to do something is a childish mindset. </div>

tpender13

OP, if they really want to go, they'll make the time. I would pick a date that works for you, think about what might work for them, and let them know when you're going. If they show up, awesome. If not, don't be too pissed, because you can't control anyone's actions but your own.

lalap69

My understanding of the situation is that you're looking to shop for your wedding gown, that your friends have expressed that they really want to do this with you, but when you try to actually go, they have other ideas for how they want to spend that time.

Based on that understanding of the situation, this is my advice to you.  Set a date to try on dresses.  Make an appointment if you can.  And let the girls know the date.  And then go on that date.  If they can make it, great.  If they choose not to, that's their business and I guess they weren't that excited after all.

Caitsidhe

while they definately dont HAVE to be there, I think considering that they get angry that they arent there, seeing that edit, maybe you should be frank. Give them that option. "Okay guys, I know that you arent as excited about my wedding dress as I am, and you'd rather try your own dresses on, but I need to get a move on with my wedding dress. Id love to schedule a date where you could come, but either way, I am trying on dresses."