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FMIL is a momzilla!

I am having a problem with my FI not helping me deal with his mom on any of the wedding issues. She is a momzilla from hell, and she keeps informing me of things she is doing for the wedding. She has never once asked me if I would like her to do something, she just up and tells me... for example she literally said "I am almost done with the addresses for FI list, and I added some" I mean really seriously, who does this woman think she is?! She has been doing stuff like this since we got engaged in January, and I have no patience left for it. My FI will not call her on his new phone becuase he does not want her to have his number, which means I have to deal with her and the wedding issues! Any adivse?

Re: FMIL is a momzilla!

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    KnibletKniblet member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Is she paying for any part of the wedding?
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    banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    This is a FI issue - not a FMIL issue.

    If he's not willing to deal with the issues you two have together, that's a big ol' red flag.
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    tidetraveltidetravel member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-momzilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:07b82b73-7648-4535-9f87-94a29ade8cc1Post:7d6f0e91-6c41-41dc-b2e5-64d57525177b">FMIL is a momzilla!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am having a problem with my FI not helping me deal with his mom on any of the wedding issues. She is a momzilla from hell, and she keeps informing me of things she is doing for the wedding. She has never once asked me if I would like her to do something, she just up and tells me... for example she literally said "I am almost done with the addresses for FI list, and I added some " I mean really seriously, who does this woman think she is?! She has been doing stuff like this since we got engaged in January, and I have no patience left for it. <strong>My FI will not call her on his new phone becuase he does not want her to have his number, which means I have to deal with her and the wedding issues! </strong>Any adivse?
    Posted by jmthomps[/QUOTE]

    Ditto Banana.  The problem here lies with your FI, not his mother.  If he cannot deal with her now, the issues will NOT go away once you are married.  I would seriously reconsider marrying a guy that could not stand up to his parents... oh wait, I did.  Ending that engagement was the best decision I ever made.
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    Beachy730Beachy730 member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Is she paying for any of it?  If not then you have more control.  Just say thanks for getting the addresses for me, we will try our best to accommodate our families guest list wishes. 

    But like banana said, the bigger issue is how your FI deals with her.  You need to talk to him about this and insist he stand up to her and how it will affect your relationship if not.  And if he really wants to be that selfish as to make you deal with her, then next time she calls I would say why don't you talk to your son about it, here is his new number. 
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    edited December 2011
    I agree with pp's. If your FI can't stand up to her, then that is a red flag. I would seriously sit down and talk with him about it.
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    edited December 2011
    Your FI needs to man up and deal with his mother. If he's hiding from her and leaving you to deal with it, that is a major problem. And I can guarentee you it won't improve after marriage.

    Also, if she is financially contributing to the wedding, she does get a say in the guest list.   The only way to retain 100% control over your wedding is to pay for it yourself.
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    edited December 2011
    This is what would happen in my family. My SON (s) would say to me 'Mom, you can only invite 10 (or 5 or whatever) guests because it is costing $125/pp for the reception. That's what our budget will allow. You can invite extra guests, if you would like to pay for them.'  My sons arent' known for mincing words. That's ok with me.
    Tell your fi to man up and deal with his mom.
                       
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    trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    How to fix this:

    Step #1:  Tell your FI to grow a backbone.
    Step #2:  Tell him to use it.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    edited December 2011
    Your fiancee needs to man up.
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    aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If your FI can't tell her no now, he never, ever will.  You'd better get used to her coming first in his life, it's not going to change.
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    lharri12lharri12 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Agree with PPs.  If she is contributing financially to the wedding, she gets some say in the guest list.  Your fiance needs to grow a spine and deal with her.  It's unfair of him to dump this on you, and this could signal more problems to come.  If he refuses to stand up for you or shield you from her wrath, you're in for some major issues in the future.
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    edited December 2011
    Your FI is using you as a shield to keep him from having to deal with his mother.  Huge red flag!  Think about what pp's have said.
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    SAW2008SAW2008 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Well, technically, this is your fiance's issue to deal with. You know by now whether you have a mama's boy or not....and he sounds like a mama's boy. This is not something to break up your relationship over but it is something that you need to stand your ground on now because if you don't it won't get better in the future. You all are getting married which means that YOU are now the number one woman in his life....sorry mom. Unless she is paying for the wedding or is going to pay for the extra guests she is inviting then she has no say. Your fiance needs to handle this and handle it now.
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    edited December 2011
    Depends on if she is paying for part of the wedding.  If she is you pretty much get to keep your mouth shut and smile.  If not then yo and FI have the say on everything, I still wouldn't be rude though.  FI does need to talk to her and explain that it is yours and his wedding not hers though.
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    edited December 2011
    I agree with pp. I think the fact that he won't call his mom on his new phone is a little sad. He needs to man up to his mom.

    On the other hand though, I kind of fail to see the problem with her working on addresses for their side of the guestlist..?? Maybe I just need to hear more of the story though.
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    edited December 2011
    I don't understand why he can't talk to her from your phone?  Or a pay phone?  Or even via email, if he's that much of a wuss?

    Seriously, your fiance needs to talk to his mother.  As everyone else said, if she's contributing then she gets a say, but if she's added 20 people and it's going to blow your budget, he needs to tell her.  He needs to say, "We'd love to invite all these people, but we just don't have the money, which is why we said only [ instert number] of people." 

    Then you can either
    1) Have a B-list and send out those invites only after you've received that many declines (some say this is bad form, but if it's done 8 weeks then 6 weeks before, it probably won't get noticed.  Don't invite anyone two weeks before).

    2) Ask her to cut her list

    3) Ask her to contribute more to cover the extra people she wants to invite


    Not a pleasant conversation, but definitely your fiance's conversation to have!  Call her, hand him the phone, and walk away.
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    edited December 2011
    your FI needs to man up (no offense) it is his mother and he should know how to deal with her and her wanting to run the wedding. believe me i know exactly where you are coming from. i have had to tell my FI's mother to bugg off a couple of times. i know it may sound mean but she expects her daughters who are in my opinion way to old, to be flower girls (will be 10 and 11) and asked my FI's adopted brother if he wanted to be a groomsmen when my FI did not want him in the party. she has tried to run things her way and added 60 more people to her list we never have seen, an i politely told her that my father and I are not made of money an i dont want anyone there we dont see more than twice a year. She will get over it because like i have posted before it is our wedding and not hers. You have to tell her that straight up that it is ya'lls wedding and not hers and if you need her help you will let her know. So stand up for what you want. It ys ya'lls day, not hers. Hope this helps
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    edited December 2011
    Tell her to BACK OFF! Tell her get her own wedding! And that is the nicest way I can put it. Stop answering her calls if she doesn't listen. That is his mother! He needs to tell her that she needs to back off! If he doesn't.....give her his number. If she gave you a check, RETURN IT. You are better off without it. 
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