Grumpy Bridesmaids

TheRealAlysaurus

I'm getting bummed out because 2 of my 3 bridesmaids (includeing MOH) seem disinterested with the wedding, and it's starting to get to me.

I was the MOH in both of their weddings, and now I feel like there's a "been there, done that," feeling with them. I've stopped talking to them about anything wedding or giving them updates. I thought maybe I was going overboard with it and they were getting sick of hearing about it.

Their fittings are this week and the one went first. I ordered the dress kind of on a wing and a prayer with the color because we didn't get much of a preview, and I haven't seen them yet. I asked her to send me a picture of the dress so I could see the color. She said, "I might," and didn't send anything.

I know you're supposed to have only your best and closest with you on that day, and that's why I chose my sister as my MOH, my friend who is practically a sister, and a friend I've known since middle school. My sister and the one who is practically a sister are the two bumming me out! It's like they take it for granted because I was their MOH, so they feel entitled to it. I'm so bummed!

ekutlus

I totally understand how you feel, my MOH is in NC and me and my BM don't get to talk too much and hardly ever about the wedding. I had to even purchase my MOH's dress because she hadn't yet. Fortunately, they've kind of gotten over it (or I have) since we're getting closer to the date. I hope it gets better for you

Davesgrl2011

I totally feel your pain.  My MOH has two kids who are both little and they are totally out of control, and she is always too tired, too busy, or too cranky to want to talk much about the wedding.  When I was MOH in her wedding I was super excited and made myself available to her for any help she needed, and I planned the bachelorette party and the bridal shower, and tried my hardest to be sensitive and helpful in everything.  I was really excited when I got engaged to have that "this is about me!" moment, but it is yet to come.  Every conversation I have with my MOH begins and ends with her moans and groans about what is going on in her life.  It is still all about her!  I don't think it is "bridezilla-y" to want your wedding to be about you.  It is really one of the two times in your life (the other being when you are phyiscally pushing a human being out of yourself) where it is ok to feel that it is about you.  Im not saying that you shouldn't care about what is happening in the lives of your friends/sister, or that you should talk wedding nonstop for six months.  But when things are happening that you really need their input, attention, advice, shoulder to cry on, it is ok to make it about you.  
I would tell your bridal party that your feelings are hurt because they don't seem to care about you or your big day.  I would remind them that they got their time in the sun, and now it's your turn to shine a little.  I would also say that you understand that this is not as exciting for them as it is for you, but that you were hoping for a little excitement.  IDK, it's tough.  Good luck!

graysquirrel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_grumpy-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:0801886e-e43b-4d56-bb3f-b88cb37a0d65Post:fbd84437-167a-4fa3-ba32-ba0709e5e5ac">Re: Grumpy Bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]I totally feel your pain.  My MOH has two kids who are both little and they are totally out of control, and she is always too tired, too busy, or too cranky to want to talk much about the wedding.  When I was MOH in her wedding I was super excited and made myself available to her for any help she needed, and I planned the bachelorette party and the bridal shower, and tried my hardest to be sensitive and helpful in everything.  I was really excited when I got engaged to have that "this is about me!" moment, but it is yet to come.  Every conversation I have with my MOH begins and ends with her moans and groans about what is going on in her life.  It is still all about her!  <strong>I don't think it is "bridezilla-y" to want your wedding to be about you.</strong>  It is really one of the two times in your life (the other being when you are phyiscally pushing a human being out of yourself) where it is ok to feel that it is about you.  Im not saying that you shouldn't care about what is happening in the lives of your friends/sister, or that you should talk wedding nonstop for six months.  But when things are happening that you really need their input, attention, advice, shoulder to cry on, it is ok to make it about you.   <strong>I would tell your bridal party that your feelings are hurt because they don't seem to care about you or your big day.  I would remind them that they got their time in the sun, and now it's your turn to shine a little.  I would also say that you understand that this is not as exciting for them as it is for you, but that you were hoping for a little excitement.</strong>  IDK, it's tough.  Good luck!
Posted by Davesgrl2011[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I disagree with this. Weddings really are not all about one person. They are about having the community come together to witness a couple's love and legal/spiritual union. Treating them like they are all about one person isn't the best way to endear anyone or to get BMs interested. It wouldn't help to tell them that it is now your turn to shine.</div><div>
</div><div>However, I do think that they should have the respect to at least give you a picture of the dresses. I would have a chat with your sister and explain to her that you'd really like to see the dress and why. It sounds like there may be something else going on if your own sister replies to your request with "maybe". Perhaps taking some time with her totally apart from wedding planning would be a good step. Work on your relationship and make sure that it is solid before getting into the wedding stuff again. </div><div>
</div><div>I understand how frustrating it can be to have BMs not be really interested, and it sounds like you're doing the right thing by planning on your own and not involving them overly. Keep being a friend to them and bring the plans up gently when you do. </div>

TheRealAlysaurus

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_grumpy-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:0801886e-e43b-4d56-bb3f-b88cb37a0d65Post:e3f14882-62c3-4d3e-a6e8-8c261484c57a">Re: Grumpy Bridesmaids</a>:
<p>[QUOTE]Weddings really are not all about one person. They are about having the community come together to witness a couple's love and legal/spiritual union. [/QUOTE]</p><p>I totally agree with this in every other aspect of the wedding. I say "our" and "we" all the time rather than it being "my day" and "my wedding." But these are the Bridesmaids. I'm not asking them to wait on me hand and foot or bend over backwards, just remember how much they enjoyed planning their wedding and know where I'm coming from when I tell them that I found the perfect florist or that I picked out flower girl dresses. I was there for them and even went to  vendor interviews when their FH's couldn't make it! I planned showers and bachelorette parties and coordinated out of town guests and families... but a picture of your dress on the hanger is too much to ask?</p><p>Luckily my third bridesmaid is still excited and I just share with her. Thanks for hearing me vent!</p>

aerinpegadrak

I didn't see three of the six dresses in the wedding until we got dressed to go take pictures.  It's not a big deal, and pestering them to show you pictures of the fitted dress just implies that you don't trust them to make sure it looks right.

beamer84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_grumpy-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:0801886e-e43b-4d56-bb3f-b88cb37a0d65Post:fbd84437-167a-4fa3-ba32-ba0709e5e5ac">Re: Grumpy Bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE] But when things are happening that you really need their input, <strong>attention,</strong> advice, <strong>shoulder to cry on,</strong> it is ok to make it about you.   I would tell your bridal party that your feelings are hurt because they don't seem to care about you or your big day.  I would remind them that they got their time in the sun, and now it's your turn to shine a little.  I would also say that you understand that this is not as exciting for them as it is for you, but that you were hoping for a little excitement.  IDK, it's tough.  Good luck!
Posted by Davesgrl2011[/QUOTE]

What part of wedding leads you to need others' attention? Also, if wedding planning is making you cry, then you're doing it wrong. This is a happy time, and you're planning a party. Just relax and focus on the big picture: you and your FI getting married.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_grumpy-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:0801886e-e43b-4d56-bb3f-b88cb37a0d65Post:fbd84437-167a-4fa3-ba32-ba0709e5e5ac">Re: Grumpy Bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]But when things are happening that you really need their input, attention, advice, shoulder to cry on, it is ok to make it about you.
Posted by Davesgrl2011[/QUOTE]
The person who should be providing these things is your FI.  You know, the other person getting married?  And honestly, anyone who really, really needs the things you've listed in order to plan a party is doing it wrong.

LoveMuffins

I can definitely understand wanting your friends to be more excited for you, because to me that's what friends do - they're excited for you about the good things that are happening in your life. But because weddings can take such a long time to come around to the 'big day', I can definitely understand why some of the excitement wears off for the people around the bride and groom.

I would spend some time with them doing non-wedding stuff, and then as it gets closer to the day see if their excitement levels have risen at all... and if they just seem same old, same old, I might say something like, "Look, I know you guys have been here already, but it's the first - and I'm planning on only - time for me doing this, and your lack of enthusiasm is bringing me down a little. Is there anything we can do to get you up to my level of enthusiasm, just for a bit?"

I would also def be bugging my BM about seeing the dress, since you have no idea what it looks like! Maybe just call her and remind her that you have NO idea, and that you'd really like to and it would mean a lot if she could send the pic asap. It might sound a little controlling, but heck... if I hadn't seen the dresses and someone could send me a picture, told me 'maybe' they would, and then didn't... I'd be both peeved and frustrated. So imo, it's acceptable =P

Good luck!

Ladymouse

Yeah...  My bridesmaids...  one made me buy her dress (though my mom offered to buy it for her - she wasn't accepting anything from my parents since my mom said their 6 month old should probably wear a coat when he's outside in -10 temps) but wouldn't tell me her size.  One pushed me to get the previous BM a particular type of dress, scheduled a bach party, cancelled the party, then told me she MIGHT make it for the rehearsal.  The third BM hasn't made a move to get a dress and the wedding is 8 weeks away and she's going to England between now and then (no complaints on BM3 - she was a last minute addition, standing in for her daughter.)  

BM1 and her husband (my brother) are also getting all offended because I asked if they were sure they wanted to DJ/MC, since FI's sister might also be able to do it.  Brother, also a groomsman, waited until the last minute to buy a dress, and she waited so long to buy a dress that it was discontinued.  Not only is she not helpful, but she's actively adding stress.  I wish FI hadn't insisted my brother be a groomsman (we're civil, but not friendly.)

dklapman21

I agree with the both of you. I had to buy my MOH dress for my sister. She is like, I like the dress you picked out but what about J Crew, they have some nice dresses. I'm like are you kidding me?? One of my three bridesmaid is Indian and she has never been involved in an American wedding. She is soo opinionated!! I fought with her every step of the way.

this is my time to get married. I am a nice person and don't like getting confrontationaly but I feel like, everyone has been fighting with me in my bridal party. Expect one, she always reminds me "It's my Wedding".

jcamm11

That's pretty crappy she couldn't send you a photo.  Taking a picture and sending a message is like a 30 second commitment.  I would feel the same way as you.

kmd0501

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_grumpy-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:0801886e-e43b-4d56-bb3f-b88cb37a0d65Post:fbd84437-167a-4fa3-ba32-ba0709e5e5ac">Re: Grumpy Bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]My MOH has two kids who are both little and they are totally out of control, and she is always too tired, too busy, or too cranky to want to talk much about the wedding.  Posted by Davesgrl2011[/QUOTE]

Im sorry but people have lives otuside of your wedding.  The world doesnt stop because your getting married in X amount of months and it is wrong for you to expect everyone to drop what their doing and talk wedding. 

So yes, you are probably blabbing incessantly abotu your plans and no one wants to hear it so they are choosing to ignore you.  So stop talking about you, you, you and ask your friend how her kids are doing?  Does she need help with anything around her house?  Could you offer to babysit while she grabs coffee or does the grocery shopping alone for once?

Also, I fail to see why you felt the need to mention her kids are "out of control"?  Its really not your place to judge other peoples kids or their behavior.  You sound like an absolute brat.

mandi921vh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_grumpy-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:0801886e-e43b-4d56-bb3f-b88cb37a0d65Post:ea398956-de82-428c-b038-d66160ccb537">Grumpy Bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm getting bummed out because 2 of my 3 bridesmaids (includeing MOH) seem disinterested with the wedding, and it's starting to get to me. I was the MOH in both of their weddings, and now I feel like there's a "been there, done that," feeling with them.<strong> I've stopped talking to them about anything wedding or giving them updates. </strong>I thought maybe I was going overboard with it and they were getting sick of hearing about it. Their fittings are this week and the one went first. I ordered the dress kind of on a wing and a prayer with the color because we didn't get much of a preview, and I haven't seen them yet. I asked her to send me a picture of the dress so I could see the color. She said, "I might," and didn't send anything. I know you're supposed to have only your best and closest with you on that day, and that's why I chose my sister as my MOH, my friend who is practically a sister, and a friend I've known since middle school. My sister and the one who is practically a sister are the two bumming me out! It's like they take it for granted because I was their MOH, so they feel entitled to it. I'm so bummed!
Posted by TheRealAlysaurus[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Your wedding day is not as important to others as it is to you. It's possible they are sick of hearing about your wedding. How often do you get together and talk about non-wedding related things?

</div>

shopgrl3177

I feel bad for you.  The wedding isn't all about you, but it is extremely special and important to you and it would be nice if your sister and best friends shared in your excitement.  Isn't that what best friends are for?  When my MOH gets engaged I will be just as excited and happy for her as she has been for me.  I do not think it's out of line or asking too much for your bridesmaids to take a picture of their dresses so you can see them.  I don't see this as not trusting your friends, I see it as being curious about what the final dresses look like.  I'm also going to disagree with your FI being the person there to vent to, cry to or rely on.  During my wedding planning process there have been times when my future MIL and I have disagreed and I've been able to vent to my MOH (aka best friend).  She's my best girl friend and there are things I tell her that I wouldn't tell my FI because I know it's petty and he won't care.  Your friends and family should be there for you now, the same way they were before you got engaged.  Maybe you can plan a girls day out, unrelated to wedding planning and you can all go to lunch, get pedicures, go shopping, etc and just have fun!  Good luck and hopefully your stress ends soon

heinz11msw

Shopgirl, weddings don't need "support." You need "support" and people to be "there for you" during tragedies. A wedding is a joyous occasion. A party. Anyone who gets upset and depressed over planning a party is DOING IT WRONG and needs to take a step back and breathe.

THIS

walshm01

I feel your pain! I chose my sister as my MOH and my sister-in-law (my brother's wife) as a bridesmaid and they are absolutely horrible. Neither of them is doing anything they're supposed to do. I feel like they feel entitled to have the position. The only people doing anything for the wedding are my wonderful parents and my two best friends, who are bridesmaid. Too bad they live out of town. Not only did my sister and sister in law throw a temper tantrum when trying on bridesmaids dresses but I didn't hear from them after that at all. So now I had to plan my bridal shower, bachelorette party, and everything. Luckily, my future mother in law stepped in to help. But I'm pissed. I'm so stressed out because we have less than 2 months til the wedding and this is when I need them the most. And I'm sick of being the bigger person. It's my wedding and I chose them because I thought I could count on them but I guess I can't. I guess at least other support has stepped up but it leaves me feeling bummed, like you! Good luck and I know you'll be a beautiful bride and a great wife!

kristeno90

 I know what you mean! My one bridesmaid (MOH) who happens to also be my fiance's sister is trying to make sure my wedding doesn't outshine hers. I mean how high school can you get? She is trying to make things all about her wherever she can. She has done nothing but TALK when it comes to everything for the wedding. If she wasn't my fiance's sister she would be kicked out of the wedding by now!!  Oh well, does anyone have a blog to help with wedding ideas? Mine is http://sugarnspice4life.blogspot.com/

chickplease

I try not to read a lot of the posts that have "bridesmaid" or "MOH" in the title, because I know the conversation will eventually devolve into "YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG" and "they're only required to show up and wear the dress", etc.

But, there is one thing I have to say to everyone with the knee-jerk "YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG" reaction anytime someone says they need support.  Yes, wedding receptions are parties.  But wedding ceremonies are not.  And the whole shebang often involves navigating a lot of tricky territory like faith, family dynamics, and money, just to name a few things.  So, of course some people would like support during this process.  And while I agree that your fiance should be the first person you turn to when you're feeling overwhelmed, there's no law against also wanting to be able to turn to your sister, best friend, dog, mother-in-law, or whatever floats your boat.

I know I'll get flamed for this, I just had to say it.

schusshoots

Yeah I'm going to say I completely disagree with this whole "you're doing it wrong" mentality.  I mean, that's great for those people who every decision and step of their wedding is going smoothly, but seriously?  Is it really wrong to be upset if your bridesmaids are putting up a fit when you ask for help?  You pick them as your bridesMAIDS because they are there to HELP you while you are planning this GIANT party.  My mom gets stressed when we have Mother's day at our house, and that's only for 30 people!  I would LOVE to have not had stressful, sleepless nights during my engagement, but there is SO MUCH to do that it gets overwhelming!  Plus, you have to make all the people involved happy, and since 99% of the time, you have to figure out who's opinion is the most important without hurting the feelings of others.  You can't please everyone all the time, and if for those who's planning is going so smoothly, you don't CARE who you please, well then YOU are the ones who are acting like the wedding IS all about YOU.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_grumpy-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:0801886e-e43b-4d56-bb3f-b88cb37a0d65Post:abce8487-1cec-44e4-b128-c0db0ea98ba0">Re: Grumpy Bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah I'm going to say I completely disagree with this whole "you're doing it wrong" mentality.  I mean, that's great for those people who every decision and step of their wedding is going smoothly, but seriously?  Is it really wrong to be upset if your bridesmaids are putting up a fit when you ask for help?  <strong>You pick them as your bridesMAIDS because they are there to HELP you while you are planning this GIANT party. </strong> My mom gets stressed when we have Mother's day at our house, and that's only for 30 people!  I would LOVE to have not had stressful, sleepless nights during my engagement, but there is SO MUCH to do that it gets overwhelming!  Plus, you have to make all the people involved happy, and since 99% of the time, you have to figure out who's opinion is the most important without hurting the feelings of others.  You can't please everyone all the time, and if for those who's planning is going so smoothly, you don't CARE who you please, well then YOU are the ones who are acting like the wedding IS all about YOU.
Posted by schusshoots[/QUOTE]
The "maid" in bridesmaid means unmarried woman (maiden), not servant, and hopefully they've been asked as a way for the bride to recognize her closest friends, not as a way for the bride to get some free labor.

And yes, it's just a party.  Really.  Weddings are not inherently giant, nor are they inherently stressful.  If you can't handle such a GIANT party on your own, scale it back to what you can handle or hire a planner who's paid to care.  It's not up to your BMs to pick up the slack just because you wanted to invite everyone you've ever met and can't handle it.

marinabreeze

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_grumpy-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:0801886e-e43b-4d56-bb3f-b88cb37a0d65Post:cc7cf92d-0370-40eb-877e-1b1dc6909a72">Re: Grumpy Bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]I try not to read a lot of the posts that have "bridesmaid" or "MOH" in the title, because I know the conversation will eventually devolve into "YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG" and "they're only required to show up and wear the dress", etc. But, there is one thing I have to say to everyone with the knee-jerk "YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG" reaction anytime someone says they need support.  <strong>Yes, wedding receptions are parties.  But wedding ceremonies are not.  And the whole shebang often involves navigating a lot of tricky territory like faith, family dynamics, and money, just to name a few things.  So, of course some people would like support during this process.  And while I agree that your fiance should be the first person you turn to when you're feeling overwhelmed, there's no law against also wanting to be able to turn to your sister, best friend, dog, mother-in-law, or whatever floats your boat.</strong> I know I'll get flamed for this, I just had to say it.
Posted by chickplease[/QUOTE]
But you choose what your ceremony looks like.  It's not required.  Just the two people who want to get married, someone certified to marry you, and a couple of witnesses.  If all the other stuff is important to you, like faith-related stuff, parental expectations, etc., that's great, I totally get that.   However, if the wedding planning is stressing you out to the point that you need <em>support,</em> you seriously need to reevaluate the complexity of what you're doing and why you're doing it.

And if you are wanting to talk, vent, whatever, your friends or whoever else other than your FI aren't obligated to drop everything and do that for you all the time.  They do have lives outside the wedding, and they can't be expected to make your wedding just as important to them as it is to you.  It doesn't mean they don't support what you're doing, but it's a milestone for YOU and YOUR FI, not them.

oceana919

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_grumpy-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:0801886e-e43b-4d56-bb3f-b88cb37a0d65Post:aea1c07f-62f8-4278-ac5e-1b060e2b03de">Re: Grumpy Bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel your pain! I chose my sister as my MOH and my sister-in-law (my brother's wife) as a bridesmaid and they are absolutely horrible. Neither of them is doing anything they're supposed to do.

<strong>What exactly are they "supposed" to do, other than wearing the dress, showing up on time, and smiling in the pictures?</strong>

I feel like they feel entitled to have the position. The only people doing anything for the wedding are my wonderful parents and my two best friends, who are bridesmaid. Too bad they live out of town. Not only did my sister and sister in law throw a temper tantrum when trying on bridesmaids dresses but I didn't hear from them after that at all.

<strong>Define temper tantrum. Like, they didn't want to try dresses on at all and pitched a fit? Or they weren't meeting your standards for the way they were supposed to behave?</strong>

So now I had to plan my bridal shower, bachelorette party, and everything.

<strong>Bridal showers and bachelorette parties are not automatic parts of a wedding. They are supposed to be <u>gifts</u> from someone (a bridal party member, a female relative, a friend) to the bride. It is considered EXTREMELY rude (and very gift-grabby) to throw your own shower or bach party. </strong>

Luckily, my future mother in law stepped in to help. But I'm pissed. I'm so stressed out because we have less than 2 months til the wedding and this is when I need them the most.

<strong>Any assistance a BP member offers you (whether it's going to your fittings so she can bustle your dress, helping you make programs, whatever) is for the BP member to <em><u>offer</u></em>, not for you to demand. If you've got a list of things to accomplish and you and your FI (who are really the only people who are responsible for <em>your</em> wedding) do not have enough time to accomplish it, you need to re-evaluate your priorities and drop some of the less-necessary tasks. That, or you need to graciously ask people for help and accept whatever they are capable of giving you.</strong> 

And I'm sick of being the bigger person. It's my wedding and I chose them because I thought I could count on them but I guess I can't.

<strong>Unless they are flat-out refusing to purchase a dress or indicating they do not plan to come to your wedding, I don't know why you can't count on them.</strong>

I guess at least other support has stepped up but it leaves me feeling bummed, like you! Good luck and I know you'll be a beautiful bride and a great wife! =)

<strong>The simple fact is that your wedding will not be as important or as exciting to anyone else as it is to you and your FI. If you have people around you who are excited for you and are willing to help you in what needs to be accomplished, then you should be thankful for that and utilize it as you can. Assuming that your sister or FSIL are worthless BP members because they're not overly excited or offering to help you at every turn is an unfair assumption.

I have one BM who lives locally, and has been by my side for every decision, because she <em>wanted</em> to be. She's offered help, even when I didn't necessarily want to ask for it. I'm incredibly thankful for everything she's done and I'm so thankful I've been able to share in this experience with her, and I can't wait to do the same for her when her time comes. My MOH (my sister), on the other hand, lives 2000 miles away. We both work two jobs, I'm in grad school, she's newly married and in the process of relocating for her husband's new job, and we barely have time to talk. She's showing up the day before the wedding, because that's what she can do. That doesn't make her a sh*tty MOH. I don't love her any less, or am any less thankful that she's my MOH. She's not failing in her "duties". That's just how life is.

I honestly think you need to re-evaluate what's really important here.
</strong>
Posted by walshm01[/QUOTE]

mikeynkrib2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_grumpy-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:0801886e-e43b-4d56-bb3f-b88cb37a0d65Post:99d1a146-0911-4c05-a4ac-717b6c92b0e5">Re: Grumpy Bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel bad for you.  The wedding isn't all about you, but it is extremely special and important to you and it would be nice if your sister and best friends shared in your excitement.  Isn't that what best friends are for?  When my MOH gets engaged I will be just as excited and happy for her as she has been for me.  I do not think it's out of line or asking too much for your bridesmaids to take a picture of their dresses so you can see them.  I don't see this as not trusting your friends, I see it as being curious about what the final dresses look like.  I'm also going to disagree with your FI being the person there to vent to, cry to or rely on.  During my wedding planning process there have been times when my future MIL and I have disagreed and I've been able to vent to my MOH (aka best friend).  She's my best girl friend and there are things I tell her that I wouldn't tell my FI because I know it's petty and he won't care.  Your friends and family should be there for you now, the same way they were before you got engaged.  Maybe you can plan a girls day out, unrelated to wedding planning and you can all go to lunch, get pedicures, go shopping, etc and just have fun!  Good luck and hopefully your stress ends soon :)
Posted by shopgrl3177[/QUOTE]

couldn't have said it better myself!  just because a friend is now a bridesmaid doesn't mean that you have to stop relying on them when you need them!  personally, i found wedding planning fun.  but it was also time consuming and stressful during certain points.  if i didn't have my friends (who were also bridesmaids) i might have gone nuts!

walshm01

can't believe you responsed to every single word i said but yes they are refusing to by the dress. luckily my mom talked them into it. the dress, showing up on time is pretty much all I asked of them but i did want help when throwing these parties. my sister in law starting yelling and causing a scene at the shop when we were trying on dresses because she thought that the dress made her look bad and she wasn't going to wear anything that made her look bad. i came on here to vent because i felt like some other people were feeling the same way I was. I was just trying to explain my situation. i'm overjoyed with my wedding. doesn't mean it isn't stressful and that i didn't wish my sister and sister-in-law would want to do more and be a bigger part of it. i don't assume that they would be as excited as i am about my wedding but i wish they were. and so what if i want help, i am stressed and there is a lot to do. what's wrong with wishing that they would help more? i really do not need to reevaluate anything. i just wish that they had more time and we could do more together and I'm sad at things that have occured in the process. i'm not allowed to be, or to vent on a discussion board where i thought other brides were doing the same?

walshm01

and i'm not throwing the parties myself. my mom and future mother in law are throwing them but they have me helping out with most of it. all i meant was that i wish i had my sister and sister in law (who live in the same town) would help. i really wish i was celebrating with them by my side. i'd be happy not having any parties until the wedding but my mom and fmil really want them, they are both busy at the same time and need help i.e. sending out invites, getting decorations, etc. 

E_SquaredPA

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_grumpy-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:0801886e-e43b-4d56-bb3f-b88cb37a0d65Post:d847f405-9df4-421a-8b74-9110157a6a46">Re: Grumpy Bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]and i'm not throwing the parties myself. my mom and future mother in law are throwing them but they have me helping out with most of it. all i meant was that i wish i had my sister and sister in law (who live in the same town) would help. i really wish i was celebrating with them by my side. i'd be happy not having any parties until the wedding but my mom and fmil really want them, they are both busy at the same time and need help i.e. sending out invites, getting decorations, etc. 
Posted by walshm01[/QUOTE]

As one of the out of town bridesmaids I feel compelled to defend my friend right now.

1. She isn't throwing any party for herself. They are hosted by her mother and her FMIL. The fact is, though, that the 2 BMs who are local weren't willing or able to offer any assistance, not even to answer questions about possible locations, tastes, times, anything. The MOB and FMIL turned to the bride to ask her help with those things because her sister and SIL didn't offer theirs., and the bride has been nothing but gracious the entire time.

2. I'm sorry, but there are few things lamer than a grown-ass woman flat out refusing to try on a dress just because she doesn't think it looks good in the catalogue or on the hanger. I know plenty of brides that wouldn't bother to go out of their way to find a time when everyone could come to the bridal shop and try styles on; the bride was being as accomodating as she could, especially given the price constraints of myself and the other BM as we're both in grad school.

3. The bride has never, not once, been demanding or asked anything of us other than to buy the dress and wear silver shoes. She isn't demanding certain accessories, hairstyles, makeup, anything. But that doesn't mean that she can't hope that her own sister and SIL will offer to help in some way. Everyone here knows how stressful wedding planning can be; and having family to count on is just not an unreasonable expectation. If my sister refused to help me with my wedding, I'd be hurt too.

oceana919

Walsh...

1) Based on your original post, you made it sound like you were throwing your own shower and bachelorette party, not that other people were throwing it for you, but had asked you for help with invites, etc. Huge difference. It's lousy that your sister and FSIL aren't helping, but unfortunately, it sounds like (based on their stellar behavior as of late) you really don't want their help.

2) If your BMs are being brats, throwing temper tantrums and flat out refusing to purchase the dress, then they are effectively removing themselves from the wedding party. That is one of the few things that could be considered a "duty" of a bridesmaid - wearing the correct dress. If they are genuinely concerned with how they're going to look in a certain dress and can't agree on a style, maybe consider giving them a certain color/length/fabric and letting them pick their own dresses. Yes, you'd be giving in to their behavior, but if it makes your life easier and diffuses drama, it might be worth doing.

3) No, there's nothing wrong with wishing that your bridesmaids were more excited about your wedding, or were more hands-on with the preparations aspect of it. There is something wrong with expecting it, which your post seemed to portray you as doing.

Look, we can only go off of what you write. Your explanation after your original post paints a much clearer picture. Nine times out of ten, when you see a post like yours, it's usually the worse end of the spectrum (a bride throwing a temper tantrum over unrealistic expectations) rather than the better end (a bride that's disappointed/frustrated by the situation, for relatively reasonable reasons).

Unfortunately, you can't control how your sister and FSIL are going to act. Right now, they're acting like brats - maybe they're jealous of your happiness, maybe they wish they were in your shoes, maybe there are other things going wrong in their lives and they're channeling that frustration at you...maybe they're just immature brats that need the spotlight to be on them. All you can do is try to ignore their behavior, do what you need to do to get to your wedding day in one piece, and enjoy the time/bonding that you get to share with the people who are active and excited in the planning aspects of it.

They'll either come around and realize that their behavior is hurting you, or they won't. But don't let it bring down what should be one of the happiest periods of your life. I know - easier said than done - but that's all you can do.

walshm01

Honestly, I was taken aback at your reply to my original post. Seeing my post broken up into sections was jarring. I just wanted to get my point across in one way, vent, and maybe just get some good advice. I see now, after your stellar advice, that you were just taking it as you saw it. I'm happy that I was able to clarify myself more. I just wish I could have gotten my story across correctly the first time. Thank you from your advice

oceana919

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_grumpy-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:0801886e-e43b-4d56-bb3f-b88cb37a0d65Post:7dcfe556-3500-4e22-8127-27f7a3a3d581">Re: Grumpy Bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, I was taken aback at your reply to my original post. Seeing my post broken up into sections was jarring. I just wanted to get my point across in one way, vent, and maybe just get some good advice. I see now, after your stellar advice, that you were just taking it as you saw it. I'm happy that I was able to clarify myself more. I just wish I could have gotten my story across correctly the first time. Thank you from your advice
Posted by walshm01[/QUOTE]

Sometimes it's easy to address each point. Glad my (and other PP's) advice could help, and sorry your BMs are being so difficult. Just focus on the other people/BMs in your life who are helping you/celebrating with you and enjoy their company and their friendship - when the dust is settled, those are memories you'll appreciate.

Sarahkayfa

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_grumpy-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:0801886e-e43b-4d56-bb3f-b88cb37a0d65Post:a966217d-f4ce-4b4e-84cf-0fb91c761e67">Re: Grumpy Bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]I didn't see three of the six dresses in the wedding until we got dressed to go take pictures.  It's not a big deal, and pestering them to show you pictures of the fitted dress just implies that you don't trust them to make sure it looks right.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]
agree.