should i let my mom do this?

peanutty2

despite the fact that my main reason for finally deciding to have a wedding (ie. not just go to court like would of been fine with me!) is for our parents, grandparents, family, etc. to have something and do something nice and memorable for them (and i'd enjoy it too :P)... my mom seems to be feeling left out or something.  she can be a little overbearing at times (a year ago when i merely talked about wanting an outdoor wedding one day, she went out and bought 10 large white umbrellas!) so i try to refrain from having her too involved but i still send her ideas, talk to her about the guests, sent her dress ideas, etc. so she knows i still want and value her opinion and help... i even mentioned to her if she wants to throw something (she seems to be dying too) maybe a small engagement party or small rehearsal dinner (as much as she wants too, she doesn't have a lot of money and i do not want her going broke!)... my cousin and aunt have insisted on throwing my shower (they want to and have the means to so i said sure, knock yourself out!) but i think my mom feels left out now...

so anyway, i budgeted low for save-the dates... i got postcards from the destination (it's a winery in the pocono mountains so it's not too far but somewhat of a destination place)... and i was just going to print on the back of them the std info and mail them out.  whole thing would cost me like 20$!!!!  and i like them, they have a pretty pic of the woods in the fall and the waterfalls   but my mom called and INSISTED that i have to have magnets b/c she likes them and that she will pay for them.  I explained they're way more money and more involved and that i liked the postcards idea.  no dice.  she is INSISTING on the magnets and that she must pay for them.  i think she also feels like she has to pay for stuff.

now should i just let her? i mean someone is offering to pay for stuff you just let them right?  or should i insist to her she saves her money for something i need help with if she really wants to spend her money (flowers may be more than i think, i could get a nicer favor than i have planned, rehearsal dinner, etc.) and stick to my original plan? 

LoveMuffins

Since you say your mom is controlling, I'd probably just go with the save-the-dates and let her pay for them, rather than asking her to save up to help with something else - because who knows if you'll agree with what she wants for that something else.

On the other hand, if she's that controlling, then letting her have any foothold could be the pebble that starts the avalanche. It sounds like she wants to be involved, which is great, so it's really up to you to decide how worried you are about her controlling things. Is this the pebble that will start the avalanche, or will letting her have the save-the-dates make her feel useful and she'll be done with it? 

SirJuliusVonHaast

I think the postcards sound cute, and they were what you really wanted to do. I would find something else she can take care of and offer that in the same sentence that you say you want your postcards. 

I think the groom's family traditionally hosts the rehearsal dinner, so you may want to check that FMIL won't be offended if your mother hosts it. 

jerseydevil

With the way you describe your mom, you have two options:

#1 - Let her pay for the magnets and use those for the save the dates instead of your postcard idea (you maybe could incorporate those in something else).

#2 - Decline her offer, but in the same sentance suggest something else for her to do for the wedding. Otherwise, she will just keep coming up with suggestions that you may not be crazy about.

orangecrush32

If you're really set on the STD postcards, then tell your mom you appreciate it, but that you have your heart set on them and you appreciate her willingness to help out, but she could help you in some other aspect.

If you don't really care, then it's her money to waste. She can make these STD magnets and have a fun project for herself.

AutumnFair

Either turn her down on the magnet save the dates or just let her do them. I know you rather use her money on something more useful but really, it is her money and she can pick and chose what she wants to spend it on. 

HappinessByTheKilowatt

If you do decide to go with magnets, I got mine from magnetstreet.com and they were very reasonably priced, and extremely good quality. So good I decided to get my invitations there also.

RebeccaB88

"Mom, I really appreciate you wanting to pay for the magnets.  However, I love the postcards, and I'd really prefer that you save the money and put it towards _____ instead."   (Fill in the blank with something both you and her really want to do.)

LHB2011

Personally, I would let my mom have this one.  I don't have kids, but I imagine that a daughter's wedding day is a big deal in a mother's life, and it's normal she wants to be involved.  Plus, it will give you grounds to oppose another idea she may have down the line that you like less.

FWIW - we are getting married in Maine and I also wanted to do postcards of different lighthouses for STDs, but that became undoable for a variety of reasons. But I loved the postcard idea for a destination wedding.  So instead, I am naming the tables after the lighthouses, and using the postcards as the sign with the table's name. 
Also, you can get magnets in the shape/design of a postcard (though obviously just one side of one).  My cousin did that and she had a super-budget wedding, so I'm guessing it's not crazy expensive.  I can try to dig it up and see if the company's name that made them is on it.

CaseyandSalley

just go for it and do one with a pic of you guys and save the date info. We sent out ours at christmas and everyone loved them!

peanutty2

lovemuffins - you hit the nail on the head!  it's a small thing but i didn't want to open the flood gates to "well i want this, so if i pay for it you'll do it"

happyness - great suggestion!  thank you!!!  i ended up using magnetstreet.

i decided to just let her do it.  she needs to feel like she contributed i guess and was thinking i really wanted to do the magnets or pics or somethnig but i was "settling" for the postcards so she wanted to help me have what i wanted... so of course then i felt bad... so now we're both happy... the magnets are a little nicer... she helped... and i'm out the same amount of $ either way.  guess it works out.

jcamm11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_should-let-mom-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:09173803-aa47-435d-b9ab-f75081127c04Post:8c05d8fb-143c-4f11-8ff1-98f3428d0766">Re: should i let my mom do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]Either turn her down on the magnet save the dates or just let her do them. I know you rather use her money on something more useful but really, it is her money and she can pick and chose what she wants to spend it on. 
Posted by AutumnFair[/QUOTE]

I agree with this advice.  It's fine to turn down your Mom's $$ and help, but don't suggest some other use for her money.  Also remember, those who pay get a say, so whatever else she offers to pay for, if you accept it, she gets a say in the details of it.