Moms and Maids

Re: --

  • vicki0508vicki0508 member
    1000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mil-oversteps-her-boundaries?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:09b97e8f-33ae-4cd7-9290-b566ba79f300Post:a5a81a77-68ae-401a-9f22-00fc0640a09f">MIL oversteps her boundaries...</a>:
    [QUOTE]My fiance and I have been engaged since June, but only within the last couple of months have we announced it to the rest of the world. One of the people I was concerned about knowing was his mother,for many reasons. First off, she doesn't approve of me because I'm not "saved". She has no idea that I drink, she hates my tattoos, and I had to leave the room once over her comments about gay people, who comprise the majority of my circle of friends. When we informed her that we weren't getting married in a church, she got visibly upset and has repeatedly tried to convince my fiance to convince me that we should. The wedding was put on hold due to some unforeseen circumstances, and she took advantage of the lull in activity to start putting in applications for our wedding at churches of her choice. I was already angry at her for her handling of the afore mentioned circumstances, now I am downright livid. The fiance and I have since decided to invite a select few friends and family and drive down to Florida and get married on the beach, rather than the theatrical (literally) shin dig we were planning. <strong>The MIL is the one who is supposed to help me with all of the invitations and save the dates, and at this point, I don't want her there</strong>. We pay a few of her bills as it is, and we know she will expect us to pay her way and for her hotel room. I do not know how to handle this situation with grace and charm. I won't go into details the circumstances she didn't handle very well, but let's just say she left me to handle a very bad situation by myself, and then attempted to take credit for everything that I did. How does one deal with this?!?
    Posted by Faburaw[/QUOTE]
    First of all, your FI should be stepping in to tell his mom that you both are unhappy with how she is acting.  You and FI should be a united front, and if he can't stand up to his mom now, he never will.

    As for the bolded part, I've never heard that MIL's were supposed to be the ones helping.  If anything, brides think that their bridesmaids should be helping.  When in fact, you should be able to accomplish all of your wedding tasks by yourself or with your fiance.

    All in all, this does sound like a sucky situation, and hopefully FI will address it with her, otherwise you may just have to grin and bear it.
  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Ditto to vicki. It is your FI responsibility to stand up to his mom, he needs to set boundaries right away because her controlling nature will never change if she knows that she can walk all over you.

    Last time I checked the FMIL does not have to be helping you with those things unless she herself is paying for them and if she is paying for stuff I would recommend declining her money and doing it yourself.

    Good luck.
  • FaburawFaburaw member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I say supposed to because she offered to do them. She is very crafty and has all the tools for us to do them without spending a lot of money.
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  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Oh man, invites and STD are not worth you sanity. My suggestion is either take charge of them and do something simple and cheap (so many options on the internet like etsy.com) or just give her your colors and a deadline and let her take full control and be done with it.

    I forgot to mention about her expecting your FI and you to pay for her expenses. Your FI definitely needs to say, "hey mom, we found rates for hotel rooms and fare for you to choose from". Then if she does the "I expected you to pay for it." He needs to say, "I'm sorry but we did not budget for your expenses." She might pull the "well, I guess I won't come" card in which your FI needs to stick to his guns and tell her that she will be missed if she chooses to stay home.
  • edited December 2011
    Your fiance needs to step up and handle his mother once and for all.  She is his family...his problem.  Remove yourself from dealing with her and do not share details with her.  Then YOU and your FI plan the day that you want and that you can produce.  She can either show up and be happy about it, or she can stay home!
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
  • jcamm11jcamm11 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mil-oversteps-her-boundaries?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:09b97e8f-33ae-4cd7-9290-b566ba79f300Post:c59c5ea7-80f8-497b-bf31-78cd4050f8e0">Re: MIL oversteps her boundaries...</a>:
    [QUOTE] about her expecting your FI and you to pay for her expenses. Your FI definitely needs to say, "hey mom, we found rates for hotel rooms and fare for you to choose from". Then if she does the "I expected you to pay for it." He needs to say, "I'm sorry but we did not budget for your expenses." She might pull the "well, I guess I won't come" card in which your FI needs to stick to his guns and tell her that she will be missed if she chooses to stay home.
    Posted by AutumnFair[/QUOTE]

    I agree with this advice.  I wouldn't consider not inviting her an option.  Why are you guys paying any of her bills?  Do you live with her or something?
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  • Catwoman708Catwoman708 member
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I also think FI should be running interference (or preventing her interference). 

    You do not have to involve her in the invitations, or anything else.   I think it's wrong to exclude her from the wedding, but neither are you required to pay her way.
  • edited December 2011
    Your MIL will overstep her boundaries until you (and by you I mean you and your Fi) establish and maintain those boundaries. 

    Okay, she can put applications into churches all day and hassle your FI about why you aren't getting married in a church. After one year of engagement and almost of a year of knowing we aren't getting married in a church my FMIL still asks my FI about.  While it can be annoying, we are sticking to our guns, so it is what it is. 

    My point is she will only expect you to pay as long as you pay for her. Start saying no now! Its only going to get worse.  If you don't want her to do invites anymore, say I am sorry we are going in another direction. ....

    I ditto Muffin's Mom, your FI should be the primary contact for your ILs.  They are his family. 
  • FaburawFaburaw member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    We pay her bills because she lost both of her jobs and her apartment about a year ago. She has since gotten another job, but still expects us to pay for her storage lockers. She knows we can't afford this, and she won't downsize what she has so that it is cheaper for us. I know not inviting her isn't really an option, but sometimes I just want to call the whole thing off because of her. She only recently stopped telling my fiance in front of me that he should marry his ex because he has a daughter with her.

    She isn't going to stop with the church stuff until she gets her way, because, as she says, she raised my fiance "better than that." Nevermind my personal beliefs. There's a lot under the surface that I haven't explained, but I'd like to let her keep her hypocritical private life private.
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  • edited December 2011
    Like you said, she has since gotten a job. It was extremely generous of your FI to help her out when he did, but now HE (not you) needs to say "mom, we can no longer afford this. Unles you would like to pay for it yourself, I will be informing the storage company tomorrow that we will no longer be needing storage next month, so you will need to go get whatever you still feel you need." Honestly, it may seem harsh, but otherwise she is going to expect you to foot the financial burden for the rest of your life. He also needs to be the one to say it alone, otherwise she will think that it's just you being mean.

    FI needs to set these and other boundaries now. His ability to stand up to his mother is not going to magically change once he gets a ring. I told my FI he had to talk to my FMIL when she kept asking us how much money we spent on things - non wedding things, like new furniture, etc - and then getting judgmental when we spent more than $20 on things (including furniture). He told her, independently, that she was asking for information that was none of her business, and that it was stressing us out when we had to buy things in general, and catching her price scanning assessment on the back end was not helping. Since then she's backed off, and our relationship is a lot better. Yes it's an uncomfortable situation, but it needs to be done for the sake of marital bliss. If he refuses - that's a bad sign.

    You can't uninvite your FMIL, but don't ask for her help with any of the wedding things. Inform her of your plans and then present her with a list of hotel rates close to your wedding site, telling her you wanted to show her a lot of options so she can find something that will fit her price range. If she says she won't come if you won't pay, tell her you'll be sorry to not see her there.
  • RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 Figment of Your Imagination member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2011
    Elope.
  • FaburawFaburaw member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    My dad offered us a couple grand a week or two ago to elope...we foolishly declined.
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