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Bridesmaid trouble...

SarahF20SarahF20
100 Comments
in Moms and Maids
I currently have 6 bridesmaids, 5 of whom have ordered their dresses like I requested to make sure we get them in time (and yes, they need to be ordered this early, they take 5 months to come in, and they will be at a shop 6 hours away from everyone so I need time to get them to the girls and have them altered). Needless to say, the 6th bridesmaid has not ordered hers yet. I had questions about asking her (she can be very flaky) and my fiances family did not want her in the wedding (she used to be best friends with the MOH who is my fiance's cousin and needless to say there was a fallout and now my in laws very much dislike her). I don't know what to do about her. I keep extending the day for her to get her order in but she always has another reason she hasn't gotten it done. I don't want to mention it to my MOH or FMIL and ask their opinions because they have already been hounding me about her and I know they will just say they told me so.

I guess my question is where do I draw the line with her and what do I do if she fails to get her dress ordered by the absolute latest date it can be ordered?
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Re: Bridesmaid trouble...

  • lynnmfranklynnmfrank member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Hi, Sarah,
    So sorry to hear that you're having issues with this!

    My first reaction when I read your post was that, given the fact that there are relationship issues with members of your family and wedding party, with this bridesmaid, that she may be dragging her feet on ordering her dress because she senses that she isn't welcome OR feels she'd rather not participate.

    If it were me, I'd take her out to coffee and have an honest chat.  Give her a chance to talk about the wedding and her role in it, and tell her that it appears to you that she is hesitant to purchase her dress and ask her why.  She may just come out and tell you what is happening--she may not.

    By the end of the conversation, if she feels reluctant to participate, give her the chance to bow out gracefully, thanking her for her honestly OR, if she wishes to remain in the wedding, tell her that the dressmaker's final deadline is...? days from now.  If her dress is not ordered at that time, you will be happy include her in the ceremony in another way (guest book, punch bowl, etc.) but that she will not be able to be included in the wedding party. 

    I would also let her know that you won't talk to her about this again,  but you will simply contact the dress maker to see if she has placed her order.  This may take the pressure off of her if she just can't find the courage to tell you she doesn't want to be in the wedding AND takes the pressure off of you so you no longer have to badger her.

    You will, of course, need to find your own way in your own time, but I hope this might give you some ideas of how you might approach it.

    Good luck and congratulations on your upcoming nuptials!
    Lynn
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  • ekilzer1ekilzer1 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    How long have you already draw out the deadline?  Is there maybe an underlying issue as to why she has procrastinating (finances)?

    Since they take 5 months to order I would tell her that the dress must be ordered by December 1. Period. 

    If she buys the dress, great. If not, she obviously doesn't want to be part of the wedding. 
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  • SarahF20SarahF20
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I asked them to have it ordered by Nov. 1, which everyone but her was able to do. I know it's not any of my business how she spends her money, but she choses to spend the extra money she has on going out to the bars, which causes her to not have money for the dress. Money has been an excuse, the dress shop "being closed" by time she called has been an excuse, being too busy to call has been an excuse.

    I have only asked her a couple times if she has ordered it, and have been calling the dress shop weekly to see who has theirs ordered. I would love to just sit down with her and talk about it but I live 6 hours away from 5 of my bridesmaids and 15 hours away from another *she is 6 hours away*. She was my best friend but our relationship kind of changed after I moved (she felt like I was "leaving her behind").

    I just don't know how to say "you're no longer in the wedding party" if she doesn't get it ordered by the end of the month.
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  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-trouble-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:0c33a9e2-810d-4c8d-aa30-2ee147a99baePost:04f41740-4705-4df4-868b-d7e1b2c8eacb">Bridesmaid trouble...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I currently have 6 bridesmaids, 5 of whom have ordered their dresses like I requested to make sure we get them in time (and yes, they need to be ordered this early, they take 5 months to come in, and they will be at a shop 6 hours away from everyone so I need time to get them to the girls and have them altered). Needless to say, the 6th bridesmaid has not ordered hers yet. I had questions about asking her (she can be very flaky) and my fiances family did not want her in the wedding (she used to be best friends with the MOH who is my fiance's cousin and needless to say there was a fallout and now my in laws very much dislike her). I don't know what to do about her. I keep extending the day for her to get her order in but she always has another reason she hasn't gotten it done. I don't want to mention it to my MOH or FMIL and ask their opinions because they have already been hounding me about her and I know they will just say they told me so. I guess my question is where do I draw the line with her and what do I do if she fails to get her dress ordered by the absolute latest date it can be ordered?
    Posted by SarahF20[/QUOTE]

    <div>First a question. Did you ask her individually what she was comfortable in spending when it came to the dress? If you didn't and just chose a dress, then maybe the dress is too expensive for her and needs assistance since you didn't ask what she was comfortable in spending.</div><div>
    </div><div>Now if you did and selected a dress in the price range you need to call up the shop and ask what the FINAL date is to order the dress. Once you got that date you need to call her up and tell her the very last date (what was told to you by the store) to order, ask her if she needs some financial help or something (its the holiday season people are usually REALLY tight on money) and then leave it at that. If she doesn't order the dress by the very last date then she has removed herself from the WP. So give her the info and leave it in her hands. If she steps out, do not replace her (since the dresses are ordered anyway, you shouldn't be able to).</div>
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  • SarahF20SarahF20
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Yes, I asked everyone what they were comfortable spending and the dresses came to $150 which everyone said they could afford. I am not in the position to offer her financial help since I am a college student and am trying to pay for my own things, nor do I think it would be fair for me to help pay for hers but not the other girls'. The dress shop says the last day is Decemeber 1, which is still a month later than what they preferred since the dresses have to be delivered 6 hours away from where they are coming in, and one dress has to be sent to Atlanta from Des Moines which will take a few days to get there.

    I just don't want to hurt her feelings and tell her she will no longer be a part of the wedding and her think it's because I don't want her as a bridesmaid.
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  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Alrighty, well, call her say, "Hey BM, I just got off the phone with the store and the very last date you can order your dress is December 1. I wish I could help you out financially but I'm really tight with things myself. Just wanted to let you know." Then it is all on her if she gets the dress or not.

    The only other option would be to let her order online since regardless of what the store tells you about having the dye matching it is pure BS. The store works on sales and they want to get as many dresses ordered from Brides/BMs as possible. 

    And unless she is clueless she should know that if she doesn't get the dress then she is not in the WP, so don't say anything to her about being out of the WP. 

    As for the delivery, if it's being sent from Des Moines to Atlanta if it's priority mail it should only take a day (since both cities are regional mailing transports).  And I wouldn't worry too much about alterations, majority of people never get them (I think its another Wedding Party myth).

    Either way, you need to tell her the very last day and just leave it alone, if she doesn't get the dress she has removed herself from the WP.
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  • kellya01kellya01
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    An honest conversation can do a lot of good for relationships with bridesmaids when it comes to issues dealing with $$.  She may not be willing to tell you her personal financial difficulties, but you could ask her if there is anything keeping her from ordering the dress because you want her to be part of the WP.  If she tells you another excuse, I'd say this: well, the WP needs to have the same dress.  I am not in a position financially to help you pay for the dress, and I thought you were okay with the cost of the dress.  Do you still want to be part of the WP?"  People tend to respect honesty as long as you aren't mean about it.  Just my opinion.  good luck! 
    July 16, Our Wedding Day, is also International Juggling Day!
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  • artbyallieartbyallie mod
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Please do not ask her if she wants to bow out of the WP. This will almost inevitably be taken as "I'm kicking you out." However, if she doesn't have the dress in time for the wedding, she has taken herself out of the WP.
    image
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2011
    If they only take 5 months to come in, she could still order by December 1st and she has enough time.

    My advice: find out from the shop when the last date to order dresses to arrive within 3 weeks of the wedding will be.  Then tell your BM, "The dress order is going to be placed by X date.  If you don't order by that date, we're placing the order without you but I'll leave it up to you to deal with the shop."

    That puts the ball in her court.  You could also say, "If you don't order the dress, I totally understand if you'd rather be there as a guest."

    This is one of the few actual BM duties.  She needs to do that one thing.
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  • frogurt814frogurt814
    1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-trouble-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:0c33a9e2-810d-4c8d-aa30-2ee147a99baePost:90617a13-b99b-4614-ba22-aa99461217b0">Re: Bridesmaid trouble...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Please do not ask her if she wants to bow out of the WP. This will almost inevitably be taken as "I'm kicking you out." However, if she doesn't have the dress in time for the wedding, she has taken herself out of the WP.
    Posted by artbyallie[/QUOTE]
    ditto.

    Also, I paid for one of my BMs dresses because she hit a rough financial situation and couldn't afford the dress at the time.  I didn't feel I was being unfair to any of my other BMs because I purchased a dress for one of them and not all of them. 

    Like you said, it's not up to you how she spends her money so quit thinking about it.
    image
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  • SarahF20SarahF20
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-trouble-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:0c33a9e2-810d-4c8d-aa30-2ee147a99baePost:c41264a1-4930-46ac-ad02-e7e00b1f073e">Re: Bridesmaid trouble...</a>:
    [QUOTE]If they only take 5 months to come in, she could still order by December 1st and she has enough time. <strong>My advice: find out from the shop when the last date to order dresses to arrive within 3 weeks of the wedding will be</strong>.  Then tell your BM, "The dress order is going to be placed by X date.  If you don't order by that date, we're placing the order without you but I'll leave it up to you to deal with the shop." That puts the ball in her court.  You could also say, "If you don't order the dress, I totally understand if you'd rather be there as a guest." This is one of the few actual BM duties.  She needs to do that one thing.
    Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

    I would love to be able to only have 3 weeks from the day of the wedding until the day they get their dresses, but this is not possible in my situation. I live in Des Moines and all but 1 of my bridesmaids lives in St. Louis and I will be picking their dresses up and taking them to St. Louis with me to save them the money on shipping (the shop wanted a ridiculous amount to ship them to the girls), therefore,3 weeks just isn't enough time for us to get them and get them to the girls.

    For the alterations part, I have 3 girls that are like a size 6 bust and waist but like a 10 or 12 hip, so their dresses will have to be either taken in or let out depending on which size they chose to order, so we need time for alterations.

    I think I have decided to just let her make up her mind on when to order her dress, I have told her it needs to be ordered by December 1st and that is the latest it can be done. If she hasn't placed her order by then I will just deal with her no longer being part of the wedding party if she brings it up herself.  Thanks for the advice everyone!
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  • The Mel and Todd ShowThe Mel and Todd Show
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-trouble-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:0c33a9e2-810d-4c8d-aa30-2ee147a99baePost:067db0e0-719b-4c5d-bfda-a6aba06bc7f6">Re: Bridesmaid trouble...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid trouble... : We had a punch bowl.  But it was at the reception, not the ceremony, and as it neither did tricks nor had a reputation for wandering off and playing in traffic, we did not feel it necessary to assign an "attendant" to it.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    My punchbowl juggles. 
    Photobucket

    Bloggy Mel.

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  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-trouble-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:0c33a9e2-810d-4c8d-aa30-2ee147a99baePost:eb80bfd5-44c5-418a-b34c-cfdd64e77ab7">Re: Bridesmaid trouble...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid trouble... : I would love to be able to only have 3 weeks from the day of the wedding until the day they get their dresses, but this is not possible in my situation. I live in Des Moines and all but 1 of my bridesmaids lives in St. Louis and I will be picking their dresses up and taking them to St. Louis with me to save them the money on shipping (the shop wanted a ridiculous amount to ship them to the girls), therefore,3 weeks just isn't enough time for us to get them and get them to the girls. For the alterations part, I have 3 girls that are like a size 6 bust and waist but like a 10 or 12 hip, so their dresses will have to be either taken in or let out depending on which size they chose to order, so we need time for alterations. I think I have decided to just let her make up her mind on when to order her dress, I have told her it needs to be ordered by December 1st and that is the latest it can be done. If she hasn't placed her order by then I will just deal with her no longer being part of the wedding party if she brings it up herself.  Thanks for the advice everyone!
    Posted by SarahF20[/QUOTE]

    <div>I believe that you always go with the largest measurement which is their hip (usually), plus it is a lot hard/more expensive to take stuff out then let in. </div><div>
    </div><div>As for driving all the way to St. Louis and back, unless you going for something extra wouldn't it be cheaper to just mail them priority flat rate box (heck I've gotten a dress in the flat rate envelope). I guess it depends on how many BMs you have but just a suggestion for you to save some cash (since your a college student).</div>
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  • frogurt814frogurt814
    1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-trouble-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:0c33a9e2-810d-4c8d-aa30-2ee147a99baePost:013d77ec-b5e8-4442-8697-f7c4f085aaf9">Re: Bridesmaid trouble...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid trouble... : I believe that you always go with the largest measurement which is their hip (usually), plus it is a lot hard/more expensive to take stuff out then let in.  As for driving all the way to St. Louis and back, unless you going for something extra <strong>wouldn't it be cheaper to just mail them priority flat rate box (heck I've gotten a dress in the flat rate envelope). I guess it depends on how many BMs you have but just a suggestion for you to save some cash (since your a college student).</strong>
    Posted by AutumnFair[/QUOTE]
    Ditto.  I really do not understand why you would need to drive to St. Louis to give them their dresses.
    image
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  • SarahF20SarahF20
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-trouble-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:0c33a9e2-810d-4c8d-aa30-2ee147a99baePost:013d77ec-b5e8-4442-8697-f7c4f085aaf9">Re: Bridesmaid trouble...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid trouble... :<strong> I believe that you always go with the largest measurement which is their hip</strong> (usually), plus it is a lot hard/more expensive to take stuff out then let in.  <strong>As for driving all the way to St. Louis and back, unless you going for something extra wouldn't it be cheaper to just mail them priority flat rate box</strong> (heck I've gotten a dress in the flat rate envelope). I guess it depends on how many BMs you have but just a suggestion for you to save some cash (since your a college student).
    Posted by AutumnFair[/QUOTE]

    The girls did order the larger sizes for their hips, but a dress that is the most fitted at the bust that was ordered 3 sizes larger because of the hips will have to be taken in or it will be too large everywhere else. Every bridesmaid dress I have bought I have had to have altered since I am proportioned weird also.  

    As for "cost efficiency" and driving the dresses back to St. Louis...The way we have it organized is the dresses will be in about a week or two before I am going home for the bachelorette party and family bridal shower, so I am already going to be driving there. Also it only costs me about $75 in gas to drive there and back, and shipping all the dresses was going to be more expensive than that.
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2011
    Shipping yourself won't be that expensive.  Flat rate by the USPS won't be that much at all.
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  • ckonidakckonidak member
    Sixth Anniversary 100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    How you get the dresses to the girls is clearly your prerogative. No need for additional comments on that. But as for your original situation, I think Lynn's first comment was the best. I'd listen to that. Have an honest and open chat with her (over the phone, in person, whatever) but just let her know that you sense something is going on and you want to be able to support her. Maybe giving her another role if she doesn't get the dress ordered? Something along the lines of "The dress needs to be ordered by ____. If it isn't ordered by then, we couldn't have you in the bridal party, but I would love to involve you by _________" This could be guest book, this could be reading a poem, etc, You asked her for a reason, give her a chance to make it right, and if not, also give her a gracious way to back out.   At least, this is what I would do. I wish you luck!
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  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-trouble-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:0c33a9e2-810d-4c8d-aa30-2ee147a99baePost:abf45e68-08db-4f8b-a2c3-c26536419995">Re: Bridesmaid trouble...</a>:
    [QUOTE]How you get the dresses to the girls is clearly your prerogative. No need for additional comments on that. But as for your original situation, I think Lynn's first comment was the best. I'd listen to that. Have an honest and open chat with her (over the phone, in person, whatever) but just let her know that you sense something is going on and you want to be able to support her. Maybe giving her another role if she doesn't get the dress ordered? Something along the lines of "The dress needs to be ordered by ____. If it isn't ordered by then, we couldn't have you in the bridal party, but I would love to involve you by _________" This could be guest book, this could be reading a poem, etc, You asked her for a reason, give her a chance to make it right, and if not, also give her a gracious way to back out.   At least, this is what I would do. I wish you luck!
    Posted by ckonidak[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Please PLEASE do NOT give stupid jobs like guestbook. There stupid, awkward jobs that have NO MEANING!

    </div>
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  • ckonidakckonidak member
    Sixth Anniversary 100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Sorry, been away from the boards for a few days. And to the both of you who said my advice is horrible, I think it's a bit high-and-mighty of you comment like that. If you dont want someone standing at the guestbook (which I understand is not nearly as fun as being a BM), doing a reading is still just as important. Grouches!
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