stressed-out bridesmaid (sorry, it's long)

kflemin3

My good friend asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding in the summer of 2009. At the time, I was relatively stable financially (though not rich by any means) and thought that I would be able to easily handle the responsibilities that come with the decision. However, since I have gone back to grad school, which has sapped up not only all of my cash, but also has caused me to move really far away (this wasn't a sudden decision, but one that I had planned for a while and had discussed with her). She recently set a date for the wedding, which will be October 2011.

I think I was trying to be optimistic about really handling the financial aspect of being a bridesmaid, but as it stands now, I don't think I can afford it (in addition to the airfare and accomodation costs of traveling to the ceremony). When I was visiting her over the summer, I brought all of this up with her and tried to bow out (as gracefully as I could), but she asked me to reconsider and see if my situation changes. Also, she implied that if worse comes to worse, she could help me out.

I don't want her to have to pay my way for me -- she's already stressed about her budget and I don't want to contribute to that. The more I think about it, the more I think the best thing to do is step down. My situation is not going to change (the part-time work I do in addition to studying is barely covering rent and tuition for next year). But I don't know how to bring up the subject again. She told me to wait until closer to the wedding (she's a pretty laid-back bride and there aren't matching numbers of BMs and GM, so thats not really an issue), but I think I should bring it up as soon as possible.

Any advice would be appreciated. And I know it's a sucky situation, I didn't plan it to work out this way.

marissa_claire

I would honestly call her as soon as you can and be frank with her.  Explain to her your main concerns:  1) that you can't afford it and that 2) you don't any extra burden to fall on her.  You might want to stress that you wish you could be there.

Even if she said she wanted to know closer to the wedding, I'm thinking of the things that she'll have done by then that would include you in her numbers.  She'll have bought an extra present, bouquet, etc.  The best way will just be to do it soon and just to be honest with her.

LoveMuffins

Ditto to what Marissa said. Since you seem certain that the situation isn't going to change, just let her know that and tell you love her and that you're incredibly honored, but you don't want to stress her financials either, and that you just have to bow out. Since she's laid back, she'll probably understand. It sounds like she was just hoping for the best and didn't want you to feel out in the cold if your situation changed.

graysquirrel

I agree with pps-- call her and explain how you feel. Even though she wants you to wait, I get the impression that this is really bothering you and that you will feel so much better if it gets resolved. Good luck!

FayeValentine69

Well, your friend handled that conversation exactly right, showing that you being there was the important part, not parties or whatever.  But I get why you still want to bow out.

If this is really bothering you, call her and be honest.  Tell her that you couldn't accept her help with costs, because you don't want to put the added stress on her and it would make you feel bad as well.  Be gentle but firm about the fact that you are definitely not going to be there.

And then be okay with the fact that she's probably going to be bummed and a little upset about the fact that her good friend won't be there for her wedding.  Don't take that personally (unless she makes it personal against you).

ambermorley

Ditto everyone. She'll understand and respect your honesty and consideration for her.

If one of your main concerns is affording accomodations - have you looked into sharing a room with another bridesmaid or staying with friends or family in the area? If you are at a point where it is still possible you could afford the airfare and the dress, but not much more, then you could maybe ask for help figuring out the rest..? Obviously, if you're really just not in a place to do it, then don't. These things aren't meant to be a burden!

StephieBow

Totally understand where you are coming from.  That said, as a bride, if I really wanted my friend to be a BM and they couldn't afford it, I would try to pay for their dress etc.  so be prepared that she is going to  bring that up again.

If you really just can't handle the pressure of all of it and you're not even sure you can afford to be at the wedding - just be up front with her about it.  I'm sure she'll understand as up to this point she has been just that.

Good luck!