Moms and Maids

Ummm, what to do?

I say "ummm" only because I was kind of shocked by this whole thing.  So my FI and I have a large group of friends, most of them being other couples, and recently one of the couples got engaged.  It's great for them and I have no intention of telling people who they should and shouldn't marry, but I really don't think they will last.  I don't want to be mean and judgy or anything like that, but without getting into too much detail these are two people who have an extremely dramatic relationship with one of them being really controlling.  I think it's great if they are happy but it's been hinted at that she will be asking me to be part of the wedding party (I think mostly because I'm part of the group since we are not very close at all).  Is there a polite way to turn her down without hurting feelings or should I just accept if she asks? I really don't want to sound like a b---h, and I'm trying to be supportive by helping out with some of the wedding plans she's asked my advice on, but I just don't know that being a BM is the right thing for me to do. 
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Re: Ummm, what to do?

  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Don't accept the offer to be a BM if you don't really like them that much and you don't support the marriage. Just politely say, "Thank you so much for thinking of me but with everything going on in my life right now I would much rather just attend your wedding as a guest."

    Just be nice and she will probably understand.


  • Ashes_3Ashes_3 member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    You can't be someones BM if you don't like them or say what you said. Just tell her you can't do it as pp said.
    Also - some of the people with the most dramatic relationships are the ones that last forever. My aunt and uncle fight over whether or not the sun is shining or if it is raining. They have been married +30 years. Just keep that in mind!
  • melissamc2melissamc2 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Telling her that you appreciate being asked, and flattered that she asked you, but you just do not feel that you can commit to that kind of role in the wedding but would love to attend.

    If she pushes, just stick with the basics and say you feel that you would be hard pressed to make it to things/be the kind of help that you think a bride should have from her wedding party.  Be vague, yet firm.

    There's no real need to go into the exact reasoning, for reasons you've already mentioned.  It's not your place to tell anyone who they should and shouldn't marry, or why you think it won't work.

    We had an acquaintance on both sides tell my fiance this very thing - and now the relationship with each is strained, at best.  Not so much because they had an opinion, but more because they voiced it, unasked, and actually thought it should matter.

    Good luck.
    10-10-10
  • tldhtldh member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    DItto PPs.

    Also, don't be so quick to judge.  I was at a wedding 14 yearsa go where bets were actually being placed in the back of church as to when the divorce would take place.  Guess what.  They are still a happily married couple.
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    AKA GoodLuckBear14
  • lalap69lalap69 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    "I'm so honoured that you thought of me, but I'm afraid I have to decline."
    Planning Our Wedding - Updated 04/11/11
    imageWedding Countdown Ticker
    "If you can't think of something nice to say, don't say something nice" - Stephen Colbert
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_ummm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:0e5acdc2-7c48-47ea-b764-e8a84672edecPost:90258c2e-762b-47b4-968a-d2e44e9a8ee0">Re: Ummm, what to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]"I'm so honoured that you thought of me, but I'm afraid I have to decline."
    Posted by lalap69[/QUOTE]

    Excellent answer!
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_ummm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:0e5acdc2-7c48-47ea-b764-e8a84672edecPost:76dff173-7708-4c31-8656-cc48215fd374">Re: Ummm, what to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ummm, what to do? : Excellent answer!
    Posted by ichellemay1[/QUOTE]

    Ditto this!
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_ummm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:0e5acdc2-7c48-47ea-b764-e8a84672edecPost:ad093dbc-3fa6-444f-816f-b6fb51106fce">Re: Ummm, what to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE] "Thank you so much for thinking of me but with everything going on in my life right now I would much rather just attend your wedding as a guest."
    Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

    This...
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
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