I am marrying a mama's boy *cries*

DaughterOfHelaman2709

Last night, FMIL came home with THE IDEA.  Keep in mind, I was in the midst of canning a year's worth of dill pickles, and when she pitched this idea to Chris and I, I was speechless. 

I know I complain a lot, but truthfully, I love the woman.  She is the closest thing to a mom I've got here, and she really has done a lot for me, especially since I came home and recounted the not-so-great experience I had last week with my own family. 

Anyway... her idea is that she and FBIL, Chris and I move into a townhouse together after we are married! 

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!  If it were just her, I could deal.  I cannot live with my brother-in-law any longer.  He ruins my kitchenware, he complains about the groceries we bring home, and the things we cook for dinner, he refuses to get a job, and I will not live with him any longer than I absolutely have to. 

The problem is, Chris is actually thinking about what it would take for us all to exist peaceably with one another.  Meanwhile, my blood pressure is skyrocketing, and I'm about to lose my mind.  Does anyone else think this is a terrible idea???

Kate

lalap69

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_am-marrying-mamas-boy-cries?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:0ea637ca-ff31-4210-8748-866935f81317Post:d9bbb414-0036-4619-a818-ad81e947f701">I am marrying a mama's boy *cries*</a>:
[QUOTE]Last night, FMIL came home with THE IDEA.  Keep in mind, I was in the midst of canning a year's worth of dill pickles, and when she pitched this idea to Chris and I, I was speechless.  I know I complain a lot, but truthfully, I love the woman.  She is the closest thing to a mom I've got here, and she really has done a lot for me, especially since I came home and recounted the not-so-great experience I had last week with my own family.  Anyway... her idea is that she and FBIL, Chris and I move into a townhouse together after we are married!  NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!  If it were just her, I could deal.  I cannot live with my brother-in-law any longer.  He ruins my kitchenware, he complains about the groceries we bring home, and the things we cook for dinner, he refuses to get a job, and I will not live with him any longer than I absolutely have to.  The problem is, Chris is actually thinking about what it would take for us all to exist peaceably with one another.  Meanwhile, my blood pressure is skyrocketing, and I'm about to lose my mind.  Does anyone else think this is a terrible idea??? Kate
Posted by DaughterOfHelaman2709[/QUOTE]
TALK TO YOUR FI.  He needs to know how you feel.  And if he still wants to do something that makes your blood pressure skyrocket and makes you feel like you're losing your mind...then you have a major FI problem and you should not be getting married until the apron strings have been cut.

AutumnFair

You need to TALK to your FI ASAP! If you do not want this situation to become reality you need to get him on board to what YOU want NOW before the thought sticks to his head. And yes, Red flags should be flying because your FI needs to work with you on what YOU want not what his mom wants.

mkrupar

Worst idea ever! And yes, you need to talk to FI. He needs to understand how you feel and be on the same page as you. I can't believe anyone would consider this as an option for a newly married couple. Why don't FMIL and FBIL go and get a townhouse together that they can afford, and you and soon to be H get an apartment or townhouse you can afford. He needs to cut the stings and be on your side. You're his future wife, all plans that affect your future together should be decided together.

aerinpegadrak

If this is a dealbreaker for you, then your FI needs to know that.  Because if it truly is a dealbreaker, then it's the kind of thing that would cause you to call off the wedding if he insists upon it.

marissa_claire

This would definitely be an area to stand up for yourself in.  I have a cousin that lived with the in-laws for a year after they got married and we all thought she was nuts.  That's time you need between you and your FI - not you two and the rest of the fam. 

They should totally understand, as well, if you request that.  I think if you have your FI explain that you will really want alone time after you get married and will want to focus on your relationship, they should understand.  

Sidenote - and hopefully this isn't your situation, but I tend to feel that if you don't have the money to live on your own w/o parents' help then you shouldn't be getting married.  I see a lot of posters asking similar questions and the only thing I ever wonder aside from the drama is why would you be getting married if you're not in a financial position to do so?  You wouldn't plan on having a baby without being financially ready, so why would plan a wedding if you can't afford to live together?

DaughterOfHelaman2709

No... FMIL and FBIL don't have the money to afford the place they want on thier own, and don't want to move into a smaller apartment.  Chris and I can afford a small apartment, and our money situation will get a lot better once I have more of a client base in my second job (equine massage therapy.) Even now, though, we are making enough to support ourselves and set some money aside.

Cattm42

Two families should not try to live in the same house, except in extreme situations and for a very limited time. You will not be able to develop a "married couple" relationship with as long a mommy is there.  If FMIL and FBIL can't afford a place they should be gettign better jobs, not fidning ways to mooch off you and your FI.

marissa_claire

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_am-marrying-mamas-boy-cries?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:0ea637ca-ff31-4210-8748-866935f81317Post:ebde5a53-1aa0-43f8-9168-dc41fe49e0b4">Re: I am marrying a mama's boy *cries*</a>:
[QUOTE]No... FMIL and FBIL <strong>don't have the money to afford the place they want on thier own</strong>, and don't want to move into a smaller apartment.  Chris and I can afford a small apartment, and our money situation will get a lot better once I have more of a client base in my second job (equine massage therapy.) Even now, though, we are making enough to support ourselves and set some money aside.
Posted by DaughterOfHelaman2709[/QUOTE]

<div>Sorry, but want shouldn't matter on their end - you get what you can afford.  Just from what you said above, they could probably make other living arrangements work, they just aren't willing to.  There's no reason this should be your burden.  I don't make as much as I'd like to, but you know what?  That just means taking PB&J to lunch instead of eating out daily.  </div><div>
</div><div>We've seen a lot of ladies in similar situations where they have relatives that are a financial burden.  My FFIL's family completely relies on him and have for twenty years.  If I were in your shoes, I'd be thinking about that, because if you can't kick them out now... then when will you? </div><div>
</div><div>I'm sure this is a very sensitive subject because it's hard when you have people around that rely on you, but there's just no justification for his family to bring you down when you two are working hard to start a nice life together.</div>

tpender13

Ditto PPs. Terrible idea, and talk to FI about this yesterday!

HeartOverMind

Communicate! Personally, I would die! I couldn't imagine living with my BIL and MIL.  Isn't the whole point of getting married to move on with your life and start a new and PRIVATE life with your new husband?

Edit: Also, you and FI need to talk about what roles your in-laws and your family are going to play in your marriage. You need to establish your own family...alone.

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_am-marrying-mamas-boy-cries?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:0ea637ca-ff31-4210-8748-866935f81317Post:ebde5a53-1aa0-43f8-9168-dc41fe49e0b4">Re: I am marrying a mama's boy *cries*</a>:
[QUOTE]No... <strong>FMIL and FBIL don't have the money to afford the place they want on thier own, and don't want to move into a smaller apartment</strong>.  Chris and I can afford a small apartment, and our money situation will get a lot better once I have more of a client base in my second job (equine massage therapy.) Even now, though, we are making enough to support ourselves and set some money aside.
Posted by DaughterOfHelaman2709[/QUOTE]

All that matters is if you and FI can support yourselves financially to live on your own. Since you say you can (and be able to put money away, yay!) then you two need to move into your own place. I know family is family, but these are grown adults.They need to look at their budget realistically and find a place they can afford, not what they want. If they are allowed to do this now, you will be forever compromising in this relationship. This would be a huge deal breaker for me.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_am-marrying-mamas-boy-cries?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:0ea637ca-ff31-4210-8748-866935f81317Post:d9bbb414-0036-4619-a818-ad81e947f701">I am marrying a mama's boy *cries*</a>:
[QUOTE]Last night, FMIL came home with THE IDEA.  Keep in mind, I was in the midst of canning a year's worth of dill pickles, and when she pitched this idea to Chris and I, I was speechless.  I know I complain a lot, but truthfully, I love the woman.  She is the closest thing to a mom I've got here, and she really has done a lot for me, especially since I came home and recounted the not-so-great experience I had last week with my own family.  Anyway... her idea is that she and FBIL, Chris and I move into a townhouse together after we are married!  NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!  If it were just her, I could deal.  I cannot live with my brother-in-law any longer.  He ruins my kitchenware, he complains about the groceries we bring home, and the things we cook for dinner, he refuses to get a job, and I will not live with him any longer than I absolutely have to.  The problem is, Chris is actually thinking about what it would take for us all to exist peaceably with one another.  Meanwhile, my blood pressure is skyrocketing, and I'm about to lose my mind. <strong> Does anyone else think this is a terrible idea???</strong> Kate
Posted by DaughterOfHelaman2709[/QUOTE]

Yes, I think marrying a mama's boy is the biggest mistake you can make. The rest of your post is irrelevant -- if it's not moving in with mommy and daddy and brother it'll be something else where your opinion means nothing to him. Do you really want a lifetime of that?

Run like hell. If you choose to not run like hell and go through with the wedding to a mama's boy, you lose the right to ever complain about his mama's boy ways. You know what you're signing up for and you're going into this with your eyes wide open.

NickDanielleB

::picks jaw up off desk::

Ok FMIL and FBIL cannot afford to live in the house the want without your help. Sounds like that is more their problem than yours. Sadly life isn't always filled with what we want and actually getting it. I think you seriously need to have a talk with FI and tell him how you feel. If you don't get this kind of thing taken care of now, this will be a repetitive problem in your marriage.

lmcit23

the only thing crazier than her idea is you agreeing to it.

lisaandcorey

Worst idea since Cop Rock.   Can you and your fiance leave the state after you get married?

char.anderson88

Stress to your fiance that after you commit your lives together, you would like it to be just that: TOGETHER. ALONE. Suggest a close-by apartment for your FBIL and FMIL to share that's within a reasonable distance from your own place.

If you are getting married in a church, you can look up scripture that addresses this sort of thing to bring to Chris's attention. Such as leaving and cleaving from your old family to become one flesh with your new wife.

melissamc2

I, personally, wouldn't even be ok with my fiance PRETENDING TO CONSIDER this arrangement to be polite.  This was one that should have been halted before the thought got off the ground.

I hope you can have a calm conversation about it with him and come to an agreeable conclusion for everyone.

I feel bad for you, for sure, but I also feel kind of bad for his Mother because, while it was a stupid suggestion, now she probably has her hopes up.

Good luck.

Muffin'sMom

I agree with CMGr...you have posted quite a bit about the pressure that your families are putting on you.  Your FI appears to have a difficult time standing with you as opposed to agreeing with them.  I have said this to you before...you may be ready for this but I have serious concerns about your FI. 

Be sure...til death do you part is a really long time.

SSaltzman87

If FI can't man up and stand up to his family, then that's a GIANT red flag. Problems like this will continue throughout your marriage if something doesn't happen on his part.

No one likes a guy that can't stand on his own 2 feet and defend himself and the ones he loves.

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_am-marrying-mamas-boy-cries?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:0ea637ca-ff31-4210-8748-866935f81317Post:ebde5a53-1aa0-43f8-9168-dc41fe49e0b4">Re: I am marrying a mama's boy *cries*</a>:
[QUOTE]No... FMIL and FBIL don't have the money to afford the place they want on thier own, and don't want to move into a smaller apartment.  Chris and I can afford a small apartment, and our money situation will get a lot better once I have more of a client base in my second job (equine massage therapy.) Even now, though, we are making enough to support ourselves and set some money aside.
Posted by DaughterOfHelaman2709[/QUOTE]

This is not YOUR problem, it's theirs and tough luck for them.

Stand up and make FI stand up beside you because it will bo downhill from here.

aerinpegadrak

So this weekend, I went to Phoenix for some family stuff, and since we've been talking about moving out of state, the idea of moving there naturally came up.  DH expressed reservations about living that close (as in, within the same metropolitan area) to my dad, because the relationship there is a bit strained.  I assured him that if we did move out there, we'd live on the other side of town and not have to see them all that often.  Even so, that's a major strike against Phoenix as our next move, so we're exploring other options first.

Moral of the story is: your living situation is a major thing, and you need to be happy and comfortable with it.  If you have reservations and 1) you're not willing to express them to your partner, and 2) he's not willing to hear you out and help you come to a mutually agreeable decision, then this really isn't a commitment you should be entering into.