Moms and Maids

Troubled future step daughter to be BM?

My FI has a daughter who is 16 and has been getting into trouble-running away,etc :(      He sees her every other weekend.

I want to ask her to be my BM, but my FI and I are afraid her mother will not allow her to be in my wedding. In other words "guilt her" from being in my wedding since I am not her mother. Should I just go ahead and ask her and hope evrything goes alright given the issues she has going on as a teenager as well as her selfish and cruel mother??

Re: Troubled future step daughter to be BM?

  • jagore08jagore08 member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    How about your FI ask her to stand up on his side.  This way she's still a part of the wedding but not on your side so maybe her mother won't be so selfish.
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  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2011
    Jagore08 offers an excellent suggestion.  I do think that you and your FI should ask step-daughter to be involved in the wedding so that she knows she is wanted and welcome.  You don't state what type of relationship your FI has with his ex----I am guessing not very cordial?  If it is civil, however, perhaps all of you could discuss this together, and this allows the step-daughter to be involved from the very first step and allow her to see first hand how everyone reacts.  If ex wants her daughter to have nothing to do with the wedding party per se, perhaps the girl could be the bride's personal assistant, or hold some other type of position of responsibility....it might help in reminding the girl that at the age of 16, she is getting a bit too old to run away from problems, etc., and make her feel a bit more of value and treated as an adult.  Good luck!
  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Jagore is so smart.  That's exactly what I'd do.

    And then don't 100% count on her to be there on wedding day.  And if she's not, you'll be okay.  And if she is, you'll be even better.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_troubled-future-step-daughter-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:0fa0137c-17dc-4537-9f86-4b10eac96b23Post:9b446750-3bd5-4d2b-b337-2f69ee078431">Troubled future step daughter to be BM?</a>:
    [QUOTE]My FI has a daughter who is 16 and has been getting into trouble-running away,etc :(      He sees her every other weekend. I want to ask her to be my BM, but my FI and I are afraid her mother will not allow her to be in my wedding. In other words "guilt her" from being in my wedding since I am not her mother. Should I just go ahead and ask her and hope evrything goes alright given the issues she has going on as a teenager as well as her <strong>selfish and cruel mother</strong>??
    Posted by fancieface[/QUOTE]

    PS:  I'm hoping that you're just using the bolded part here with us.  Because saying something like that around your FSD, or writing it where she can see it is never going to turn out well for you.  That's her mom.  Whether you like it or not, and obviously you don't, that's her mom.

    Calling her names isn't going to bring you any closer at all to your FSD.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Tread lightly.  You're going to be her stepmom and, whether you like your FI's ex or not, this is still her mom.  You've accepted a package deal here by marrying a guy with baggage, and I use that term in the most positive sense meaning that you're marrying more than him and this is sort of a take-it-or-leave-it deal.  If you aren't 100% okay with your step-daughter and having contact with her mother, you need to push the pause button on this thing.  Because if you act in such a way as to make your FI choose between you two, you're bound to lose.

    Bottom line: Invite her and make her feel welcome.  Hold your tongue about her mom.
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  • edited December 2011
    Thank you all for your advice.
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