Moms and Maids

Difficult Moms of any kind (long)

I am speaking to this because I have been there.  I wanted to share my experience in the hopes that it will help someone elses heart to ease.My mother is "difficult".  She is selfish, snobby/rude, mean spirited, and considers everyone elses opinion to be beneath hers.  It's not loud or profane, and always cloaked in country club manners...but lethal just the same.When I got married nearly 30 years ago, she took over my wedding and spent the months planning making me feel ugly, uncool, and clumsy.  Unfortunately, I was only 21, and had not yet found the courage in our relationship to just say no.  So, instead of emerald green BM dresses and black tuxes I wanted, we had cream tuxes and pastel yellow dresses, "because they will all look prettier than you and no one will be looking at the bride."  I had a long sleeve, high neck dress because, "You just don't have the looks or body to pull off something more hip."  Her MOB dress was the last straw....wait for it...emerald green slinky knit.  (She is only 17 years older than me with an amazing body.)It took me a long time to walk away from the hurt.  I raised my daughter differently, and have always loved and trusted her...well except for a few high school boyfriend choices.  But hey...I'm a mom!So, she gets engaged, and it starts again.  We tried to go there, drove 18 hours, to work out a way to include her in the experience.  She hugged, we'll start over, hug, kiss.  It lasted 4 months and then the crap started again.  Why is she doing this?  Why are you spending that?  Not getting married in a church?  Where is she going to find a dress that isn't awful? (my daughter is a 20, not a 10...something my mother is unable to stand).  When she found a dress that she looks beautiful in (Venus Bridal Woman #868018) my mother said it was probably the best she could do.So, I'm done...again.  My daughter is hurt, and I am tired.  She and I discussed options and this is what we decided.  She will get an invitation to everything, but no more phone calls, no more sending photos.  I told her that if she could not be positive and loving, I would cut her out of my life.  It hurts me more than you can imagine.  Even after all of this time, and my advanced maturity, it hurts.  But, it is what it is, and I am finally done.  My daughter has been done for a while, and only kept trying becuase she thought it was important to me.Lesson learned?  Be loving, be fair, and don't let anyone highjack your memories.  You will carry this time for many years.  Will it be perfect?  Probably not, nothing ever is.  But make it full of love and joy.  Make the memories you want.  Your answers to unwanted advice?  "We are happy you care and thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and ideas."  Then you smile graciously and change the subject.  If they say they won't be there, you smile graciously (sensing a theme?) and say, "We are so sorry, we'll miss you very much."Without being a is the day for you, your husband, and the people who support you.  The others can stay home.From a mom who learned the hard way :)
My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!

Re: Difficult Moms of any kind (long)

  • ang0072ang0072 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My FMIL just last night, was criticizing me on how I wasn't planning my wedding right and she'll show me how a wedding should go (she didn't even have a wedding they went to the courthouse). She also had the nerve to tell me who needed to be in the ceremony! After about 30 minutes of her ranting I had finally had enough and said we are done with that part of the wedding and what's done is done.Not to mention she bought her wedding outfit before my mom (who doesn't wear dresses) so she will be more dressed up than the MOB. One of my colors is green and she bought an solid green dress with solid green shoes.....and the green doesn't even match the green in the wedding....I'm just so mad at her right now. She wasn't involved in the planning in the first place but now I refuse to talk about it in front of her. Her one and only job is to show up.
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