Moms and Maids

Father of the Bride Question - From the Bride

Hi all!  I'm new here, and this is my first post.  I have a question for all the parents out there about how I should handle this situation.  My father is a minister and is supposed to be the officiant at my wedding, however recently we have come across a big problem.  My dad, whom I love, has decided that after 36 years married to my mother, and 15 years in the ministry, that he needs to leave everyone and go to Scotland.  Right now it's supposed to be a sabbatical for 8 weeks, and he is supposed to come home in Mid-October, however recently he is saying that he isn't sure he will stay in the ministry, or even stay in the town we live in.  So, I guess my question is, Do I plan on having him as my officiant, give him until October (when he's supposed to return) to decide, or start trying to find someone else to officiate the wedding?  I would appreciate any feedback, because I am at a complete loss.

Re: Father of the Bride Question - From the Bride

  • TruchanaTruchana member
    edited December 2011
    oh honey, this is bigger than the knot!!  If it were my dad, I would also get him into a physical.  This just reminds me of grey's anatomy where izzy had a tumor causing her to see things! (corny I know) but seriously, I'm no doctor but I know that heart conditions can cause major depression and tumors can cause weird symptoms too. I would give up on the counseling.  it sounds like he needs a doctor not psychologist right now. If he's hearing voices telling him to leave his family, that scares me.  I would try to reason with him.  Ask him why on earth God would want a man to leave his wife and children.  Quote scripture about marriage and being a father to remind him about God's meaning of marriage.  It seems like he needs some reasoning to realize something is wrong here.  i can see leaving the ministry if you are having a midlife crisis, but hearing voices telling you to leave your family is entirely different.
  • Kristin789Kristin789 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    >>And I would probably tell my Dad that while I get it's a big deal to leave the ministry, not coming to my wedding for no better reason than a sabbatical is tantamount to leaving me, so I need to know if that's what he's doing. Uh, he's said in pretty clear language that THAT's EXACTLY what he's doing, and he won't consider counseling or conversation about it. He has ALREADY made his choice, and he didn't chose the original poster Jen. There's no need to talk to him or beg him or try to get him to see another point of view. He has already thought this through and he's made his decision. Sure, this is an awful situation. Most long-married men, esp those who are ministers, do not choose to dump their wife and daughter. But my dad did that (not a minister though), and you just have to realize that your dad is an adult so he DOES get to make decisions about his future. And yeah, it's horrible but you have to get another officiant. And consider this: if your dad stays in Scotland until April, and comes back just in time for your wedding in May... do you want to dump the substitute officiant who has graciously stepped in during your time of need? Or do you want to say clearly, "Dad, I'm glad you're going to be there at my wedding. Please understand that when you announced last summer that you were dumping the family, I had to get another officiant to help us build our relationship during the crucial pre-wedding time when you were gone, and so Reverend Smith stepped in and did that, and he'll be doing the ceremony. I would like to dance with you though, at the reception..." or whatever you will allow him to do. When my father dumped my mother and me to run off from Ohio to Florida (coincidentally the same state I currently live in), I had to dump out of a lot of things I was doing to step in and do a lot of the things that my dad would have done around the house and paperwork and get a better paying job to try and support my mom and me. I totally resented my dad's dumping all sorts of unpleasant and mundane tasks on me so he could flit off to the sunny land of eternal spring break. I would never ever have even invited him to my wedding, much less had him involved in some way. As it happened, he passed away before I even met DH, so that wasn't an issue for me. Just sayin'...
  • edited December 2011
    Honey, i am so sorry.  I have painful experience in the parental desertion area.  The hardest thing about being an adult is coming to grips that just because they are your parents does not make them good people.  You have to accept them where they are, and move on.  Say to your dad that you are hurt, and sorry, but you need to take care of you, and you will be choosing another officiant.  You will be happy to see him if he is in the country for your wedding.  Do not give him a reaction that makes him feel more powerful, like we'll wait for you :(  Right now, he doesn't deserve it.  Then, surround yourself on that day with people who love know who they are!love,   phyl
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
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