From a Bride: Need outsidee perspective

WildCherry11

My parents divorced about 12 years ago because of another woman and my dad has now married that other woman. My parents get along alright, but my mom (understandably) does not care for my new stepmother. I also now have 2 stepsister (I was an only child) which I'm pretty excited about becuase they both want to help me do wedding stuff. This weekend I am going on my first dress shopping trip with my mom, stepmother and stepsister. I am really excited, but my mom is pretty pissed off that my stepmother is coming. She's the one that suggested the trip in the first place, so I can't very well say I don't want her to go anymore...but I really need my mom to be there for this really special trip. My mom has agreed to go and be civil, but she's really upset about the whole situation. She feels like she doesn't want to share this moment with my stepmother.How do I handle this situation? Do I just go and have fun and hope everything turns out well once we get there? I'd really appreciate an outside perspective on the whole thing. Thanks!

duckie1905

While I think it is great you are on good terms with your stepmother, I can understand your mom being upset.  If she is anything like my mom the dress shopping was very important to her and something she wanted to do with just me.  I'm glad you are willing to share these things with your step mom as well but you have to remember that your mother raised you and because of that I think she's entitled to certain perks (such as the dress shopping).I invited my MIL to accompany me and my mom and while my mom behaved, she was furious.  It was really something she wanted us to do together and I took that opportunity away from her.  I still regret it.I would suggest planning more than one trip if it means that much to your mother.  While I commend her ability to act like an adult and be civil to her ex's wife, she really shouldn't have to share an event like this with her if she doesn't want to.  The fact that your stepmother was basically "the other woman" also makes things more complicated as it is probably a tad more hurtful that she was invited to share this with you.

Truchana

I would just plan more trips.  If you are an only child, I can see how she might feel a little slighted, but on the other hand, if your step mom was the one that brought it up, you can't say no.  Throughout this whole thing, just remember, your mom is your mom and no one is taking that place, not your step mom or anyone else, and remind her of that.  Try and schedule an appt. just the two of you at a salon somewhere after work so that she will get that special feeling of being the first one to see you in a wedding dress.  Bottom line, people get weird when planning weddings and you never know what type of stuff is important to whom.  I would ask your mom now, what is the type of stuff that she wants to be just the two of you.  It might be looking at venues, looking at flowers, etc.  Here's the way I balanced my mom and fmil, not the same I know but it kind of worked.  Fiance and I would pick out our top 3 favorite things , ie, 3 favorite cakes, 3 favorite venues, 3 favorite, color choices, etc, and then ask for opinions from family members.  that way everyone got involved, but in the end the 3 choices were ours!!  ANd in the end, we still pretty much did what we wanted anyways, but they still felt included.Your step mom needs to realize that she is not your mom though and she needs to be careful about overstepping her grounds.

kmmssg

Make this a "looking" excursion.  Plan another trip and just take your mom.  I have 2 bio DDs' and the dress shopping trip was a very special thing between #1 and I.  #2 got strep throat and couldn't go.  We basically have a deal - dress shopping is just for the 3 of us.  I buy their gowns - no one else does, just me.  I don't care what they invite their FMIL's or stepmom to, or anyone else for that matter.  It is a very special moment and to be honest, I would not be happy if their stepmom, who I get along fine with, was there.  She can come for the BM dresses.  Wedding gown is my trip.  My DD's feel exactly the same way. 

ootmother2

I'm with kmmssg on this one.Make it a looking at wedding gowns day, even have lunch with your mom, SM & SS before or after. If you're fortunate enough to have your mom,  share selecting and buying your gown with her alone.

trix1223

I have to say going with my DD to look at/buy her wedding gown was a moment that I had looked forward to for a long, long time.  Had she asked her FMIL, I would have gritted my teeth and smiled, but I would have been very disappointed.I didn't go dress shopping with my dear DIL, nor did I expect to.  That is, to me, M/D moment.  Heck, way back when I got married, my MIL didn't even see my dress until our wedding day.I don't know exactly how you backtrack from this one, but I don't think your mom is being unreasonable.  Sorry.

shellysmom

You've gotten some wonderful advice here.  Multiple trips etc.  If you find the dress of your dreams just sleep on it and then pop back with only your mom.  Let mom in on the plan.  It will be so fun!

Truchana

Plus, if you guys do find the dress the weekend,  everyone is probably going to be so excited at seeing you in the dress.  hopefully mom won't care.

Muffin'sMom

My daughter and I did this.  FMIL and bridesmaids, etc wanted to come...so we planned a trip to Davids foe everyone with lunch after.  FMIL got there 30 minutes early and had picked out 6 dresses for my DD to try on.  She used to work in the wedding industry, doncha know   We tried on everything, smiled, laughed, and had a good day.  A couple weeks later, she and I found the dress.  It was a wonderful moment for us....AND all the others had a wonderful day and felt like part of the process. 

kmmssg

Muffin's mom - wow, that was handled beautifully!  I can honestly say I would have been gritting my teeth thru my smile if FMIL has 6 dresses waiting for my DD. I hope OP comes back and gives us an update on how things have go. I think there is a lot of good advice on how to keep everyone happy here.

WildCherry11

Thank you all so much for all your advice! It finally hit me today that there is only one first time and I would really regret it if it wasn't just me and my mom. So, I talked to my stepmom and she was disappointed, but understood. So I'm taking my mom to lunch before my appointment and it'll be just a mother/daughter day. I'm so excited! Thanks again!

dianenjnj

wow!  remember you have only 1 mother!  i can't believe you could ever imagine that you mom would feel comfortable with your stepmother and stepsister being there...she's a pretty classy lady to ever agree to this...god knows i would never ever go along with that...shame on you!

vitamint

I suggest you do a dress shopping trip with just your mom. You won't regret it. You can do a group trip but do just you and mom first... if you can't do it first, do it soonafter- don't buy your dress with step mom make sure it is with your mom....