Moms and Maids

FMIL sending mixed messages.

My FI and I have been together for 4 years. His mom has loved me up until about a year ago when we started talking about getting a place together. She hardly talks to me anymore. She tried to baby my FI because I think she wants him to live there forever. He rolled over and we are still both living with our parents. For the past 9 months she has been paying for everything for his brother (including his car and she gives him money for cigarrettes) because he "can't find a job". FI said he didn't like his job and she flipped out on him and said if he quit she would sell his car and everything else because she can't afford his bills. WTF? When we got engaged she wanted to show me (and the ring) off to everyone else in the family. She asked FI in public how much he spent on the ring (dumby him, he told her) and she flipped out and told him he got ripped off and she that knows a guy... Since then she hasn't invited us to family parties. She tells me they are having a party but won't give me details like time and stuff. She will call him the day of and then be mad that he can't make it. For some reason he just wants his parents to approve. It seems like the harder he tries to make them happy the worse she gets. I want to encourage him somehow but I don't know how to get her off his back and let her know how much her babying his brother bothers him. She is always hounding my FI for money he owes her. I just want them to have a positive response to our exciting day. We are planning on moving away (he's joining the military) when we get married. I don't know if I should address this negativity with her or just let it go.Plus- My parents have been more then supportive. My mom is being very careful not to do anything without asking me first. They have even offered to let us stay with them until he gets stationed. Thank God for my parents.

Re: FMIL sending mixed messages.

  • edited December 2011
    The more he tries to make her happy the more power he gives her.  Frankly he needs to take a Cool as a cucumber ~I don't care what you think approach and get her to chase after him.  I know it sounds backwards, but it works.  As far as the brother thing, just write it off.  Never compete with a sibling. It just doesn't work.
  • edited December 2011
    I agree with Shelly here.  No matter what you do, you are only in control of your side of a relationship.  His mother is going to be who she is.  Make peace with it and move on.  Have joy in your relationship with your fiance and your family.  When you stop trying and stop stressing, she may come around.  Sometimes they only want the attention.  If not...there is nothing that you can do.  Don't give her the power over your happiness.
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
  • mozzarellamozzarella member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You have a FI problem, not a FMIL problem.  He is way too immature to get married.  Postpone the wedding, go to premarital counseling so he can grow up and learn to set boundaries with his mom, and then once you are certain that problem is resolved, continue with your wedding plans.
  • edited December 2011
    I disagree with mozzarella.  It won't do any good to postpone the wedding if he is going to continue to live with his mother.  He needs to pay off all debts and get out on his own. It will be easier to view himslef as a man and set boundaries if he isn't living with her.  But that doesn't mean he needs to move in with you.  I think everybody needs to live on their own and support themselves before they get married.  Too many people use marriage as an escape from their family home and that is a very bad idea.
  • mozzarellamozzarella member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I should clarify: part of learning to set boundaries with his mom should include his moving out and supporting himself, even if mommy doesn't want him to. Yes, he needs to pay back any money he owes her, get out on his own, and stop allowing her to stick her nose into his business. But I think it is a terrible idea to continue planning the wedding hoping those things will happen- he needs to actively demonstrate that he is a responsible adult who can stand up to his mother and put his relationship first, and then he can talk about getting married. I completely agree that everyone should live independently of their parents before marriage.
  • mob2006mob2006 member
    Knottie Warrior 10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    "...I don't know how to get her off his back and let her know how much her babying his brother bothers him. She is always hounding my FI for money he owes her. I just want them to have a positive response to our exciting day. We are planning on moving away (he's joining the military) when we get married. I don't know if I should address this negativity with her or just let it go."Sounds like your FI is exchanging one "mother" for another.  He needs to grow up and develop an independent adult relationship with his mother - - you can't do it for him.  Don't interfere in their relationship.  You can't make their relationship what you want it to be and you will set yourself up to fight all his battles for him.
  • TruchanaTruchana member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Ok, you need to realize, his mom still views him as a child!!  Probably because you practically are!  First, stay completely out of the situation with his mom.  This is none of your business.  She does not need a 22 year old telling her how to raise her children, which is exactly how it is going to come across.  Wait until you have a much better relationship with her before you ever give her advice on her son.  She will look at you and think I've raised this boy for 22 years, you've only known him for 4 years. Secondly, she's probably having a hard time letting go of him and not babying him because he is so young. My parents still babied me at 22, heck they still do at 27!  They will eventually realize they need to let go.  It just may take time. If you do decide to get married, all you can do is be supportive of him and his mom.  Understand that this will be difficult for them to let go.   Fiance should not compare himself to brother, not sure if the brother is older or younger.  If hes younger, it make sense why they are paying for some of his stuff.   She could have just been having a bad day when she flipped out of your fiance about quitting his job, especially if had just paid all that money for the ring.
  • edited December 2011
    Wow girl. Besides all the stuff about his mom.....and I agree with shellysmom and muffinsmom, let it go, that's one you'll never win....you might want to think about this too. It sounds to me like you're the one who will always be running the show. You'll always be the "responsible" one while he's the "laid-back" one. Exactly how laid-back is he? That can go too far, and cause a lot of trouble. As for his student loans, has he looked into a consolidation loan? That would get his mom's name off it. BTW...how the hell would she sell his car?! Is that in her name too?
  • edited December 2011
    Oh, and Monoxide? That was the best laugh I've had in a long time!!! Not at what you said, but how you said it. You wouldn't happen to be from Philly, would you? :-)
  • edited December 2011
    If he splurged on a ring without making an effort to repay his mom, then I understand why she is upset. He should work out a repayment plan with her and stick with it, before he makes anymore wedding plans. If you support him in his efforts, I'm sure his mom will appreciate it. The brothers financial situation is not your concern. MYOB
  • TruchanaTruchana member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I just reread this post.  I think part of the problem is you, no offense.  If he spent a bunch of money on a ring but owes his mom money...that was disrespectful to his parents and dumb on his part.  If he has college loans wtih her name on it, simply get her name off of it.  My parents freak out on me all the time when I say I wanna quit my job and move back to michigan.  Parents can't always help it, especially when they helped pay for their kids college!  If the brother is 21, get over it.  In todays day in age, 21 is still a baby.   Mothersand their sons are weird.  THey baby them, the dads try to make them stronger.  Moms raise their daughters much tougher. It sounds like are smart and very independent and that your fiance is no so independent.  I hope you realize he is going to simply go right from his mom to you and have that exact depenence issue.  It would be best for him to move out on his own, get his loans in his name, etc.  Time for mom to let go a little and realize he is a man now.
  • lilmurrygirllilmurrygirl member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    After many comments and after thinking about this for a long time I finally found a response. I would appreciate any future comments be on the subject of my FMIL. I did not post this here to get responses about my F. When you talk to your friends about someone treating you wrong you don't expect them to tell you everything you are doing is wrong. I really don't understand the last post about how this is my fault but it doesn't really matter. Please, I would like advice on how to deal with my FMIL and how to be an encouragement to my F.P.S.- Since we have gotten engaged I have not been invited to three family get-togethers at his parents' house, including one for my F birthday.
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