Moms and Maids

FMIL has crossed the line! (long, sorry)

Not sure if this is the right place to post this but after reading a few posts seems like everyone could help give me some advice. I have been w/my FI for 3yrs. now. He is a former drug addict & alcoholic. After meeting me & knowing I don't stand for these things he made a 180 & I am sooo proud of him for the changes he has made for himself & for our relationship. We have been through alot considering his addictions but we are in a better place now & very happy :)His Mother has always like me (she knows that the changes he has made probably would have never happened if it weren't for me coming into his life). We have always gotten along & I was excited to make her a part of our special day. The engagement was fine but after we starting planning she has turned into a CRAZY woman! We chose a place that really suited both our (my fiance' & I's) personalities but she wasn't happy w/it. She basically let us know if wasn't good enough for her or her friends & we would need to choose somehwere else (her suggestion a ballroom or country club) to suite her taste. I compromised & chose to still have our ceremony outside but w/a ballroom reception. I thought this would be a compromise & make everyone happy. Next thing you know, the outside ceremony isn good enough & she wants a church. (I'm not religious & neither is my FI) She literally cried to me holding a cross on her next telling me we need to find God in our lives & who disappointed she is that we aren't living by those standards (we are good people, we live our life how we choose together & are 100% happy w/the way we are). I was VERY offended by this, but have been taught to respect my elders & we were in her own so I listened but was very upset.She has now gone as far to insult me & MY family saying that I will not be a good wife or Mother if I dont live by the Bible or choose for God to be in my life. My parents (whow are the most laid back, kind, selfless, do anything for me or anyone else kind of ppl) are now upset taking offense that this is a reflection of them & how they brought me up & she is speaking down about them & how they've chose to raise me. (Reminder: my FI (her son) is a former drug addict & alcoholic, far from any angel for living by the Bible hmself!)My FI loves his Mother & myself dearly & doesn't want to hurt either of us but has chosen to take my side agreeeing that we like the way we live & she can keep her opinions to herself. I feel like she has crossed a personal line & has messed w/my morals & my family (who by the way are paying for the entire wedding even though the ballroom is costing more than our original venue). I feel like this will always be a problem now. She is not speaking to me & I have a few choice words I'd like to say to her (FMIL). She also wants a 40 person RD @ an upscale rest. which overlooks my ceremony spot, UGH! So everyone will see it the day before our wedding :( She wants to invite all OOT guests to the dinner & doesn't care that I've asked for an intamite dinner w/immediate fam. & WP only. She now says I am making all the decisions not giving anything to her that she wants for our wedding (my parents are paying 100% of the wedding & it's MY day NOT HERS!) I have been having anxiety atacks (something I haven't had in yrs.) over all this mess. I'm sad that I've been good enough for her for the past 3yrs. but now I wont be a good wife or Mother???? I am sooo fortunate to have the parents I do who have made me the good, kind hearted, independent person I am today & that they are 100% allowing me to plan my OWN wedding trusting the good head I have on my shoulders. Just needed to vent & would like to here opinions if anyone has any. Thank you for listening.

Re: FMIL has crossed the line! (long, sorry)

  • edited December 2011
    First, be glad your FI is taking your side!  Second I get the confusion on how suddenly you aren't good enough...I'm there right now but I've come to the conclusion that I'm marrying my FI not her (even though some say you marry the family as well...I get that) and as long as I make him happy, then that's really all that matters for me.  But I've also learned that the only way FMIL is happy is when she gets her way 110%.  I know I wouldn't be upset if my FMIL wasn't talking to me, especially since she only seems to put you down, and if it were me I wouldn't be around her anymore.I got from your post that nothing you do will be good enough so if you don't want the ballroom reception and you have the time to switch it to what you and FI wanted originally then do it!I don't get why it's such a big deal for the RD to overlook the ceremony site; if it's considered tacky or whatever the RD will be a reflection of her, not you if that's what you are worried about. 
  • edited December 2011
    Where to start! OK. You're a better person than me. Your mom's a better MOM than me. If my daughter's FILs started going off about religion, I'd snap. That is an intensely personal decision, and if you and your fiance agree on that subject, then she should shut the hell up. I'm sorry....religious stuff like that just sets me off. Believe what you want, but leave me out of it. Venues....I'm assuming the place she wants is more expensive? And your parents are footing the bill? Tell her to cough up the difference between there and the one you picked. You know what? I'm truly at a loss here. No offense to your FI's family but....this woman's nuts. She's the poster child for going to Vegas. Normally I would say to find some minor thing she can run to her heart's content, just to shut her up, but I don't think that'll work here. Besides, just from reading this, she's pissing me off so I can't make my fingers type it. This is awful. I hate to say this, I really do, but I can't see any way short of an out-and-out fight over this one. You'll NEVER change her mind about this religious stuff---no one ever does---and it doesn't sound like she'll stay out of it. Believe me, big trouble with your kids there. You two just might have to bite the bullet and tell her to shut up. Well, a little more nicely than that. See if you can get him to do the talking! Coming from you, it might be a red flag to a bull, know what I mean? Good luck. Come back and keep us updated.
  • handfast4mehandfast4me member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I'm with CK on this one.  This is one of the biggest reasons why my daughter ran off to the County admin building a few weeks ago--because the Groom's Mother was trying to get everything to be HER way.  Have I mentioned I'm Pagan?  So the baptist stuff, oh, well, I was suffering through it for my daughter. But then she realized that the woman was truly not going to be happy until she was making pigs in a blanket for the reception, and the ceremony was going to be IN the baptist church (in Pagan tradition, these sorts of ceremonies are usually outside). Oh my stars! My advice: If you can, without losing too much money, go back to what YOU AND YOUR FI wanted in the first place, because this woman is not going to be happy until she's running the show and you two are suffering like Job.  And seriously, do you want that sort of influence in your future children's lives, if you decide to have kids?  Put a stop to it now.
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
  • edited December 2011
    JMO and I'm only trying to help.  I want to point out that your FMIL has an addictive personality.  Now I am a very religious person.  (I would be very upset if my daughter wasn't getting married in a religious ceremony.  I don't mind it if is outdoors as long as there is a minister.)  But the way this woman went off on you and the way she was so gun hoe about you before and the fact that your FI was a drug addict indicate to me that she (and probably he) runs hot and cold and is rarely in the middle.  You should do a little research on this personality type and learn how to use it to your advantage. Good luck.
  • fxy19rxyfxy19rxy member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thank you all for responding. It's helps to know I'm not the crazy one, SHE IS! ck9586- I agree that religion is a very personal subject & her & I have always been ok but we aren't by any means close (close enough for her to bring up a topic like that) My FI & I let his parents know that the ballroom cost more than our original venue & we'd need assistance, they told us they would pay for the difference. We put a downpayment on the ballroom, then they turn around & say I'm being eleborate & they will help but not pay the whole difference that I need to cut some things in my budget like no favors or only for every couple or my centerpeices (they waited til we commited to the place to tell us we will still be short & have to make up some of the amoutn on our own (basically there goes our honeymoon $ to pay for the part of the wedding she doesn't want to pay for b/c she'd rather spend it on a HUGE RD now) handfast4me- My FI has had all these convo's w/his Mom after the 1st one where she spoke of religion I haven't been involved in the others but let my FI know he needs to make it clear to her that this is not just about the wedding but when we have kids we will raise them OUR way & name them what WE want to b/c I don't want to have this same fight 3or 4yrs. down the road when we decide to have children (she basically said she is scared for my children to grow up in a home w/me b/c I choose not to be as religous as her). My Father is very angry! He is an honest hard working man & no one upsets my Mother or I or they will have Hell to pay! I've tried to settle him down (for my FI's sake, the fact that he is taking my side I don't want my Father to embarass or hurt his feelings over this). I guess I don't know where to go from here other than the fact that I told them never mind I don't want ANY of their $ we are paying for the differece ourselves (my fear is if she pays for any of it she will have say on things) it's putting a stress on us financially & just in general w/our relationship, it's all really sad considering this is supposed to be the BEST DAY OF OUR LIVES, ugh :(
  • Kristin789Kristin789 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    >>she wasn't happy w/it. She basically let us know...I want to know WHEN she's letting you know about things.If she's talking to YOU about her preferences/manipulations, then you need to say right way, each time:  "Mrs. Jones, my parents are hosting the wedding and I'm pretty sure they've made the decisions on that issue already.  But you could call my father directly.  His number is 555-5555 and he's home after 7:00 each night."  DO NOT participate in conversations with FMIL about any of this.If she's talking to FI about her prefs/manipulations, then he needs to say right away each time:  "Mom, FXY's parents are hosting the wedding, and I'm pretty sure they've made the decisions on that already.  But you could call her father directly.......blah blahDirect her to the person who is in charge of what she's talking about.  And if your father is as angry as you say, he will be able to talk to her as a same-age adult, who also has an adult kid getting married.  My personal experience has been that people my parents age have thought that they could manipulate people who are the same age as their own children, by pulling the RESPECT OLDER PEOPLE card.  But when shut down and directed to talk to someone their own age, they do not pursue this crappppp.
  • atlcatloveratlcatlover member
    Seventh Anniversary 500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I had something similar happen with my welcome party which was in lieu of an RD.MIL wanted something that would have been much more elaborate than our reception, and I told her no way.  I told her if she wanted to invite everyone then it could be appetizers and drinks only.  Ultimately it was still at a location that sort of didn't fit with the rest of the weekend but at least we didn't have a full reception the day before the reception.  Perhaps somethign like that can work for you.As far as not speaking, don't let it get to you.  I have only spoken to my MIL once since my wedding and it's all because of how she acted during the wedding planning.  I decided I wanted nothing to do with her.
  • mob2006mob2006 member
    Knottie Warrior 10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Sorry but I disagree with Kristin789. Your and your FI need to deal with his mother. You shouldn't have your parents deal with her. Adults deal with their own issues; they don't have their parents do it for them. (I think you know this, but I'm mostly responding to Kristin789.) I agree with the others that your FMIL is a handful. She will never be happy with any compromise you provide because she wants it all her way. My MIL is the same and my husband and I no longer have any contact with her. As long as your FI and you are on the same page and just keep telling her "no", that may be the best you can do. If you don't want the RD she is planning, your FI can tell her "no thanks". Then I suggest you host your own RD, even if it's very small and simple. I also suggest you attend Alanon meetings. I think it's great that your FI is sober, but I get the impression you may not know much about addiction. He will always be an alcoholic/addict, even if he's sober, and Alanon can help you understand more about it. I don't know if your FI is getting support for his sobriety through a 12-step program, or other program, but if not, it would be worthwhile for both of you to look into support programs. Good luck.
  • Kristin789Kristin789 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    To the responder who referenced my post, which advised that the bride and groom re-direct questions about the guest list and other event details to the hosts of the event: If I was hosting a dinner party, and invited my daughter and her husband, and the husband's parents... and the husband's mother was hounding my daughter about details of the event I was hosting... that would clearly be inappropriate. First, the husband's mother should not be sticking her fingers into my dinner party, suggesting that I serve baked potato instead of mashed or suggesting that I seat the party inside at the dining room table instead of out on the deck, or insisting that we start with a prayer grace of some kind that we don't use... Secondly, why is she asking my daughter about the details? If she must comment/complain/manipulate, she should be dealing with me - because I'm hosting the event. If you're still reading, you'll see that this girl's FMIL should be contacting the girl's mother or father who are the hosts of the event.
  • edited December 2011
    Hang in there. Be true to yourselves. Just smile and say no thank you to the bible thumper. Have faith in yourself and your parents/ upbringing. If you can, cancel the ballroom, the lost deposit will be worth it and have the wedding you want. Let FMIL host a welcome reception. Have FI plan a small and simple RD. Make sure you and your FI get some support addiction is a disease and its always there hiding, forever, waiting to reappear. It also touches everyone, every family, no one is spared, despite what people pretend to believe. Don't forget to breathe, you should be enjoying this time in your life.
  • edited December 2011
    Kristin and mob2006 both make valid points.  Parents hosting weddings is the smart way to go to keep stress down and Bridezillaness to a minimum. But everybody knows that it is all about the bride and referring MOG to the FOB does look like a dodge and sets you up for more crap on the next topic the MOG wants to control. FI is the proper person to "handle" his mother.  And if he can't handle his mother then he needs to learn how.  It is part of the growing up process and good preparation for "handling" teenagers, business matters, rotten neighbors, etc.
  • fxy19rxyfxy19rxy member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thank you all. I agree w/both have points. My parents are hosting (guess i should have clarified, they are paying but have handed the wedding planning 100% over to me, they want it to be MY day) yet if matters get worse my parents may step in but they have always taught me to be an independent person & stand up for what I feel/who I am with or without them there by my side. My FI is growing up quickly based on this issue, he sees now that I will be the woman in his life before me it was always his Mother & how she wanted everything.Thank you for the advice regarding the addiction. I know "once an addict always an addict". I know he struggles each day to keep sober & clean & I'm proud of him for sticking by what he knows is right. He has seen a therapist but refuses the 12 step program & refused rehad, he quit on his own, I know he should have prob. done these steps but he's an adult & I can only make suggestions I can't force him into anything, however he has said that if he ever in the future has an issue he promises to get help the Alanon way not his own way & I trust he will. (He has changed the things in his life which would cause a relapse: he quit bartending has a good day job now, dropped the loser friends he did the drugs & drinking w/& he can openly admit he has a problem & needed help, this I think has made the difference) P.S. Only his Mother lives in the fantasy land that he doesn't have a problem & he's an angel who doesn't need help (she almost acts like none of it ever happened or was an issue, my family on the other hand knew about his problems offered him help & encouragement & don't judge him for his past but the husband he can be to me in the future (through this I truly appreciate my parents 100% & know I am fortunate to have them!)
  • edited December 2011
    Hey FXY, hope today isn't a bad one! Agree completely about the AlAnon for you. I'm an addict too (29 days! Not much but a start), but I do the 12-step meetings, mostly to get support from other addicts. Even if he's doing fine, and it sounds like he is, you might benefit from talking to other support people. Just a thought. Your dad sounds like my dad (yes I'm 42 and my dad would still hunt down whoever dared to upset his daughter). But I agree, don't direct her to him. Openly feuding families would just be an added headache. When's your wedding? Do you have time to get your deposit back, or is it too close? If she's refusing to cover the difference for the place she wanted, I'd change it if possible. Screw that. You're also right that if she's paying for anything, she's going to try to run the show. Just sounds like that kind of person (she's everything else, so why not that too). Giving up a honeymoon for a venue that'll make her happy? No no, get out of it if you can.I'm sorry. I still don't like my ex in-laws and I've been divorced for ten years. But we're all here for you if you need us!  
  • edited December 2011
    Oh yeah. It was mentioned earlier..."don't forget to breathe". Definitely. That's the most important thing. Every now and again, sit back, turn the phone and the computer off and don't answer the door (just in case) and do whatever it is that relaxes you. Read, bubble bath, eat, drink....all of the above....throw things (my speciality, the Jersey girl in me). Whatever, just do something that's you and you alone. Go buy shoes. Great boots work for me too :-) Anyhow, you need this. And it's easy to forget in the madness, that this IS your day, you ARE marrying the man you love, and that's ALL that matters. The rest is just details. Details that might raise your blood pressure, but details nonetheless. So take a deep breath, curse her like a sailor in your head, and remember the whole purpose of the day.
  • fxy19rxyfxy19rxy member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thank you ck9586! Today is a bit better, I've had a few days to cool down, went shopping & bought shoes like you said lol I agree that the meetings might help me even if he isn't willing to go, he said stress like this makes it hard to stay sober, so the past two days we've been relaxing & putting everything else aside (he will be sober for 1yr. in Dec.!)I'm not only the daughter but the only child so I am my parents world, my Dad doesn't stand for ANYONE's crap when it comes to my Mom or I & I'd honestly be afraid for him to handle it b/c he wont be nice or respectful & it will probably make matters worse, so I'm just taking day by day & telling myself w/or w/out her in our lives we will be just fine. P.S. congrats on the 29 days :)
  • edited December 2011
    Yay shoes! Here's a phone # for him. 800-698-5148. That's actually a local one for my area but it's not like they'd turn him away. If he really thinks he's losing it, it could help to talk to someone who's "been there done that". Not pushing a program :-) Also, most cities have crisis hotlines. Try that too. And if he wants, wouldn't feel too weird, I'd be happy to "talk" to him. [email protected] Take care, talk to you later  
  • edited December 2011
    I'm sure this very religious lady, must have a pastor/religious adviser. Please talk to him/her and ask him to counsel her. I don't believe any minister would want to force a couple into a religious ceremony, if they don't even have the same religious beliefs. I know for sure that mine would not! You should have stuck with the venue that you, your Fi and parents had chosen, that was within the budget. When you changed the venue for her she got the impression that everything is negotiable.If she wants to plan the RD, she should PAY for it. Otherwise, do not even discuss it with her. I would advise you to not discuss any more wedding plans with her at all. Bottom line, you really need to be firm, now! Imagine what she will put you through when and if her first grandchild is born.Good luck to both of you!
  • TruchanaTruchana member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Ok I'm late in posting this but I hope it helps.  I just got married and while my situation was aboslutely no where near what you are saying, my grooms family did but a couple ultimatums out there and made us feel guilty for not doing a couple things, etc.  I would agree with Kristen 789.  First I would say that you try to handle it on your own though, as you have.  Then if that doesn't work, I would deflect her to your parents since they truly are the ones paying.  Planning a wedding is a very special time for a lot of daughters and her parents, and can be for the groom and his parents as well, but when the brides family is paying for everything, grooms family needs to learn the phrase, "that will be wonderful." regardless if they agree.  The grooms family should not ruin this for you guys and you shouldn't let her. Quit involving her anything wedding related. It's just none of her business.  If she starts asking you stuff, you say, oh we have it under control and drop it.  Give her full control of the Rehearsal Dinner if she is paying for it.  If she wants to make it something crazy, who cares. I would be a little annoyed that she wants it at the rest. over looking the ceremony, etc, but in the end, who cares. Maybe she's the reason her son became an addict!!! If she brings up religion one more time, you say, "You know, I really find faith to be a personal decision, one in which your son and I will determine together."Good luck!
  • newly_nauglernewly_naugler member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Screw her! She's not paying for anything, she has no say. I wouldn't include her in any of the planning either. You've done very well to not say anything to her. I wouldn't have been as nice!
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