people inviting themselves

ck9586

Am I crazy for thinking this is insanely rude?I just now found out that FFIL's cousin has invited himself, his wife, and his daughter. FI doesn't even KNOW them. I am NOT HAPPY. The guest list was set according to who we actually knew and how much I can afford (considering that I'm paying for the whole thing), and now, 37 days to go and I find out we have 3 uninvited guests. The bride and groom are fighting over it--the groom's father is just saying he "tried to talk them out of it"--and I'm still at the stunned stage, that anyone would even think of doing that!Then when I tried to talk to my daughter about it she said I can fight it out with groom's dad, she's out of it. I got even more mad, because after a year of "it's my wedding" (did I mention I'm paying for the whole thing?), we hit something that's not fun, and she's out of it? WTF is that?! I've told all of them that it's too late for me to jump in on this one, but if anymore uninvited guests pop up, refer them to me because I'm telling them no. I don't care if his distant (so distant he's never met them) think his FMIL is a cheap B****. Am I wrong here? I shouldn't let the guest list grow like this, should I ?

rhi_rhi

You're def not crazy! Did they receive official invitations? Is it a sit down dinner? How did they find out details of the wedding in the first place? If they didn't receive official invites, then they're not on the guest list and are officially wedding crashers. If its' a sit down dinner then your caterer probably needs numbers ASAP and can't really accommodate any more people at such a late stage. If someone who IS invited told them 'it's probably OK if you come', but didn't ASK the people who are organising and paying, then it's EXTREMELY rude to invite yourself to a wedding. There's a reason they're not invited- because nobody in the WP knows them! Get your Bride to get off her butt and tell them that their guest list has been closed since 'X' date, (before they decided they were coming) and blame your venue, blame the fire code, blame the caterers. Personally, my venue requires a guest list from me with NAMES on it 20 days before the event, because it's a licensed venue and the time-frame of our reception- we even get security guards to bounce people whose names aren't on the list!

mob2006

People should not invite themselves. I don't know why the bride and groom are fighting about this. Does one want them to come and the other doesn't? Ultimately, the bride and groom need to decide who is invited and who isn't. How did these people "invite" themselves - - who did they contact? If its the FFIL and he didn't tell them "no", the bride and groom should tell FFIL he needs to call his cousin and say he's sorry but there's no room for the cousin and his family, or FFIL coughs up the extra money for pay for these guests and pays you in advance of the wedding. (If your venue can handle the extra guests.) If the couples decides in the end to have the extra people at the wedding, you can also tell them the reception is above your budget and they need to pay you for the extra guests, in advance. Either that, or your daughter can find some maturity to handle the problem herself.

trix1223

Ditto MOB.  This is NOT your issue.  Your DD and her FI need to decide whether or not they want these people to attend.  I'd give DD two choices after they decide whether they want these extra guests.  #1)  If they don't want the extras:  SHE and/or FI gets a backbone and calls them to say she's sorry there was a misunderstanding, but they cannot invite additional people due to space/budget requirements.  #2)  If they do want the extras: SHE and her FI pony up the money for these additional guests.  Keep sending her reminders until you have the cash in hand.Please hold her to this.  It sounds like she needs to grow up a little bit and take care of something unpleasant herself.You shouldn't be doing it.

ffmaid

Call them or better yet groom shoudl call them " I am sorry but is simply is not possible to extend the guest list to those not invited. It is wondeful you are excited for bride and groom but it is simply not possible. So how have you been? how is your underwater basketweaving hobby going?" If not told no now they will do it to others in future.

ck9586

Agree with you all.... she can argue it out with her FILs (who are dancing around the issue). And then if it's decided that these people can come, someone's giving me the $$ for them. I don't care who, but someone is.

JaimeeP

Tell your daughter and her Fi that you are not paying for extra guests. If his Dad wants to chip in and your venue can accommodate a few more guests, then okay. But the Groom should be the one to deliver the message to his own family!

Catwoman708

Sorry, but I somewhat disagree. Yes, it's upsetting that your daughter was all "It's MY wedding" until something distastful has to be dealth with, then it's Mom's problem to fix. No, you are not crazy for being upset. It's cowardly of the bride and groom, not to mention rude of the FFIL and the cousin. But, if YOU are paying for it, then YOU are the hostess, so guest list concerns ARE your problem, and under your "jurisdiction" to deal with. Uninvited or "unintentional" guests are such a common problem with weddings, that pre-emptive measure should be taken when the guest list is first being created, and certainly before invitations go out. Just hoping it won't happen, or hoping there will be some no-shows to cancel it out, is not prevention enough. One has to make it clear to all family members and future in-laws that there can be no additions to the guest list, and give them examples of how to handle awkward situations when people fish for inviations. But that won't do you any good now. Because this is partly FFIL's fault, for either allowing cousin to invite himself, or encouraging it, he should be your go-between. I think I'd tell him in no uncertain terms, that you need him to inform cousin that there is limited space and budget for guests that the bride and groom don't know, family or not. OR pay for the additional guests, in advance. Or ask him which 3 members of HIS family should be uninvited to make room for his cousin.

shellysmom

Now this is why I can't stand the $65-100 per person, enough food to choke a horse receptions.  There is almost always a little more room at a simple buffet dinner.  If it was one of my cousins coming from half way across the country I would make room.  If this is some yahoo from 5 miles away that the groom as never met forget it.  But the way to tell them (and this might not work for you) is "Of course you are invited to the church to witness the wedding, but our recpetion site is full." Hey, good luck. People can be such frustrating jerks. 

Truchana

I have a difference of opinion coming from a bride who just had her wedding 2 weeks ago. I would say, in the initial stages of the wedding, yes it is the bride and grooms decision to determine a general number for the wedding, such as 100, 150, 200, 400, etc.  When it comes to these sticky nickel and diming situations, if you are paying for it, it is ultimately YOUR decision if you want to cover these final people since it will hit your budget. No you are not crazy for thinking this is insanely rude. In addition, what is insanely rude is the Father of the groom!This is HIS responsibility to say "I'm sorry, XYZ, the wedding guest list was the toughest thing we had to to work on and the list was tight.  Unfortunately we used the condition that you had to be close with the bride and groom to be invited." Boom, it would've been done.  If he didn't have the guts to say that, he should've called YOU right away and said, these people have invited themselves, etc, would you mind if we added them on the list, WE would be glad to pay for them as we realize this is over the guest count and late additions.Yes it's rude that your daughter did that to you, but don't take it personal.  Daughters often times beat up on their moms a little harder than anyone else because we know you will always be there for us...fair or not.  The  best thing you can do for her in the final few months before the wedding is try to not create more stress for her. She is already going to be emotional and stressed to the max.  This was not her fault, it was the father of the grooms.  Your daughter and her groom are probably fighting about it because she knows you are paying for the entire night, feels guilty that this will cost you more money, and feels as though the dad was stupid.   The groom is probably sticking up for his dad because she told him this.  In the end, it's all because his dad allowed this dumb couple who invited themselves to come...seriously unnecessary drama...