Moms and Maids

need an answer

So, my mom is paying for half of school (this is the last year she will be paying since we will be married next year) and I pay the other half. Problem is she doesn't want my FI and I to live together before we are married. But we are paying a TON of money to pay to live in a dorm in separate rooms. It would save us anywhere from $2000-3800 to move into an apartment together. We have five months until the wedding. FI and I are struggling to pay for FI's schooling (once we are married the school's financial aid will pay for it because we make little money). Our original plan was to live in the dorm and then in March when we were married we would move into a dorm that is for married couples. The housing office in the beginning told me that this would be completely possible now they are telling me it is impossible because it is the middle of the semester. So basically if we live in the dorm, we will not live together the first 2 months we are married and the rules are strick so we would only sleep together 6 times during the 2 months. Plus, here are the numbers for three semesters or 12 months of livingon-campus in a dorm separately for both FI and I =$11, 369off-campus together in an apartment =$7500 to $9500We have taken out loans to pay for school and housing. What we don't spend directly to the school we get in a residual check. So all of the money that would pay for the housing would be in a check in my parents names (because my loan and scholarships were processed before my mom's loan). Would you as a mother withhold that check from the daugther in this situtaion?

Re: need an answer

  • edited December 2011
    If you take money, then you have to live with the conditions...harsh but true.  Perhaps you should have scheduled the wedding after school was out.
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
  • headed2yaleheaded2yale member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    The reason it is in March is so we can be eligible for financial aid as a married couple because we cannot afford FI's schooling alone anymore. We need financial assistance. In order to get assistance we have to be married before March 15.
  • handfast4mehandfast4me member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Ok, my daughter graduated from in December 2008.  The first year she lived in the dorms.  The second year, she figured it out, just as you had, that it would be "cheaper" if she and a roommate got a place together.  So I said yes.  Ok, so here's what happened: First, I had to furnish that apartment.  Furniture, dishes, pots and pans, etc.  Big money there.  Food--don't forget about food, becsause in a dorm, you usually have a "meal plan" so the dorms are cheaper that way, too. Then she and the roommate started fighting almost immediately.  I won't go into details, but  my daughter moved out, and the only place available at that time was another 2 bedroom.  So I ended up paying for it all myself for the remainder of that year.  The following year, another roommate, who then got engaged and moved out, I ended up paying again.  Long story short, although it seems on first glance to be a good idea, it's only for 5 more months, and once you're married, you'll see how much more expensive and time consuming it is to have your own place.  Not only do you have to PAY for everything, you now have to clean the bathroom yourself, and cook, etc.  I definitely believe that couples should live together first, but in this case, I'm voting with mom. 
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
  • handfast4mehandfast4me member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    And I forgot to mention in my earlier post about utilities.  That's another expense that you don't have in the dorms. 
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
  • edited December 2011
    You said "we cannot afford FI's schooling alone"  That is not right HE cannot afford HIS SCHOOLING.  This is a bad idea top to bottom and I know of what I speak because I did it!  Getting married to qualify for student aid is foolish, short sighted and immature.  Your grades will go down because you will be doing cooking, cleaning and laundry for two.  Wait until you graduate and get a job.
  • headed2yaleheaded2yale member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    The apartments we are trying to move into might as well be on campus. We will still have to have a meal plan even though it might be smaller, we will still have one. As far as the cleaning and doing laundry for two, he can do his own laundry and typically does mine because I hate doing it. And we both already do cleaning for two dorms because we have separate bathrooms and rooms that we clean ourselves. We know how to be adults. The numbers above include utilities and is completely furnished, besides pots and pans and dishes but we already have all of that. And my FI and I are in this together. So, no WE cannot afford his schooling. I didn't ask if this is a good idea or  if you agreed with us getting married while still in school.
  • headed2yaleheaded2yale member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    And getting married EARLIER for financial aid is not short sighted. We were engaged before we had trouble paying for school. In fact, he is in an engineering program and once he starts his coop he will make at least $16,000 each semester he coops. As long as we pay for the summer semester, he will have all the classes he needs to start in August. We had planned on getting married anyways. The specific date was chosen for financial reasons. Getting married sooner will save us $20,000. So don't tell me I am being short-sighted and immature when I have researched for months on this and talked to many financial professionals.
  • handfast4mehandfast4me member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Glad that the budget you put together includes the utilities, etc.  However, having "been there, done that" with my daughter, I'm still not for it.  One thing I forgot to mention earlier--my daughter also ended up getting a job to help subsidize her apartment and living situation.  This was one thing I didn't want her to do, but since she chose to live an apartment, she chose to suffer the consequences.  I still feel that it would have been better for her, in the long run, if she'd stayed in the dorms.  It definitely would have been better for my pocketbook. As I said in my earlier post, I truly believe that couples should live together before marriage, but I also think that since it's your mom's checkbook, that you should do what she's asking.  It's only for 5 months. 
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
  • headed2yaleheaded2yale member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    It isn't for 5 months. It is for 7. We won't live together the first 2 months we are married if we do it her way. That is what I find unreasonable. And I already have a job and have had one for a while, it hasn't affected me.
  • edited December 2011
    Ok you have two choices Option 1 : take moms money for school and wedding and do things her way which is to spend another 7 months living in dorms. Option 2: forgo all of moms money and do what you like. Assuming you are say 22. You will spend the next 65 years of your life married if you stay together and live a normal life expectancy. That is 780 months. Those 2 months of not living together represent 0.26% of your life together. Seriously not an inssue you will probably spend more time over a long happy married life waiting for your SO to get out of the bathroom then these 2 months matter.
  • mob2006mob2006 member
    Knottie Warrior 10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Would you as a mother withhold that check from the daugther in this situtaion?It doesn't matter what I would do because I'm not your mother!  I get the feeling you are wanting us to agree with you so you have some ammo against your mom.  This is really between the two of you.Here is another option, although I don't know if it's feasible cost-wise:  can you live in the dorm now but your FI live in an off-campus apartment?  You can then join him when you are married.  It may not save you money but it appears your biggest issue is not being able to live together the first two months of your marriage.
  • duckie1905duckie1905 member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    If you want her money you've got to live with her terms. Simple as that. Why not worry about your own housing and tuition and let him worry about his.  Regardless of the fact that you are getting married you obviously are not financially stable enough to be worrying about paying for his education.
  • edited December 2011
    I still don't think it is a good idea, but have you considered going to a JOP in Jan and doing the wedding in March.
  • TruchanaTruchana member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Well, interesting and difficult question.  I'm not a mother, but yes, I would probably personally ask for that check back and keep it, but it would depend on our families personal monetary situation as well.  if we the reason?...not to mean to my daughter, but because if you are able to be married, than why would you be living off of your parents money?  As a daughter, I would probably offer to pay that back to mom regardless.   Again, if your parents need the money, and this is extra cash that does not go towards your schooling, but rather your living, it should probably go back to the parents. In no way am I saying to cancel the wedding, sounds like you have a lot going for you with scholarships and if your fiance is going to be an engineer, you guys will be fine once school is over, but I will say, be prepared to struggle, and I definitely commend you for thinking through all of your finances ahead of time.  I know of two separate couples that got married when i was in college and separated with in a couple years. ARe you fiances parents helping him pay for school?  I think if I was you, I would be prepared to take out another loan in your own name and just plan on living together before marriage.  Why is your mom so against it, religious reasons?  how much is the risidual amount?If it makes you feel any better, I just got married 3 weeks ago.  I live in Houston, my husband lives in Michigan.  It has been like this for a a year and 2 months and will continue to be like this until Christmas when he graduates from grad school...Is it ideal? No...But looking at the bigger picture, it isthe right decision. Good luck!
  • headed2yaleheaded2yale member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Well she understood the situation and agrees that since I pay for half of school, we can assume that I pay for where I live and what I eat. She pays for books and tuition that is it. So everything worked out and I signed the lease today. The only reason the check was in her name was because my financial aid went through before her loan did.
  • Kristin789Kristin789 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Yes.  The check comes to ME in MY NAME to help ME fund my daughter's education.  My funding would be influenced by my own morals and values which guided the ways in which I raised my daughter.It's not your money.  You can't control it, no matter how much you stomp around and whine, "But I want to have more sex" - which you know is disrespectful to throw in your mother's face.That said, you need to go back to the housing office director or secretary or whoever told you that moving into the married student dorm in mid-March "would be completely possible."  And get the forms to fill out.  Even if that dorm is full now, they will have drops between now and mid-March.
  • TruchanaTruchana member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    headed2yale - fyi - some of the people on this board can be harsh.  While yes you are young, to me, I think you are trying to think through things logically.  If I understood right, you did not decide to get married so your fiance could get financial aide, rather the actual wedding date was simply somewhat affected by this.  I would personally be getting very defensive as well if I was you.i'm glad your mom is willing to still give you the $$.
  • headed2yaleheaded2yale member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Truchana, you are absolutely right. We decided to get married for emotional reasons, we love each other. The date was affected by logical reasons. To pretty much everyone else, I didn't ask for your opinion on whether I should be getting married. I asked what you would do in this situation as a mom. And if we get a divorce, I will still have an education and a brain. The loans (other than one that has both of our names on it) we have taken out are individual loans. So he will pay his and I will pay mine. But somehow I don't plan on getting a divorce. I don't know anyone that plans on getting a divorce. But thanks for the positivity! You are right I am young. I am 21.
  • handfast4mehandfast4me member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Shellysmom suggested going to a JOP in January, and having a "wedding" in March.  Do NOT do this. It's totally disrespectful to your guests. I get so tired of women saying "we didn't have a REAL wedding" because they went to a JOP and now want a do-over big ceremony and reception.  It's also disrespectful to those of us who did a similar thing (DH and I got married on a beach, just the two of us, no guests, no attendants) and we KNOW it was a wedding.  If it was a legal ceremony, it is, in fact, a wedding.  Further, I don't think that would solve your problem.  Your problem is that you want control over your life.  I understand that. But if you need your mom's support financially, then you can't have control yet.  You get control when you support yourself completely.  Who is paying for your wedding and reception?  If that's you, then maybe the solution is to scale back, and use that money for your education and living expenses.  Again, I disagree with your mom; I believe ALL couples should live together before marriage, but since it's her checkbook. . . 
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
  • TruchanaTruchana member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Whether or not you should get married is for you to know and no one elses business.  A good friend of mine got engaged at 21 and married at a young 23.  They are still together and more than happy!  The groom works for the govt and is getting his MBA from U of M and the bride will be graduating with her doctorate in Physical therapy.  They even own their own house and are planning on trying to get pregnant now.  That is a lot of stress and debt ( a lot of debt!!) to work through, but it's been almost 5 years now.  I think if you make an effort to work through your problems, have respect for eachother - even when you disagree - realize marriage isn't lovey dovey and the excitement will one day pass, and realize the odds are against you unfortunately, you will be great! Have fun with your wedding, graduating soon from college and finding a job!  sounds like mom is being helpful by letting you keep the money, which I like her train of thought in how the expenses were laid out.  Although you may not be 100% able to support yourself, I think it's awesome and makes it so much easier when you have supportive parents.  I know I woudn't have been able to go to college, grad school, move to another state, and have a wedding without my parents financial and emotional support.  Let me rephrase that, I'm sure I could've, but i'm glad I didn't have to!!!
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards